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Major life events after an affair


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Old 13th March 2014, 10:47 AM   #1
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Major life events after an affair

After over a year, we talked for the first serious time about ending the affair at the end of January.

Just to bring anyone up to speed on my sitch, we live next door, share a business, share a connected yard, I care for their kids on an almost daily basis. We have been fairly low contact despite all that though. Seeing each other only once a week for the last couple weeks, just the way it's been with work and neither of us encouraging family dinners just based on the idea we've been busy.. Only explanation our spouses have needed and it's not likely to last because the closer summer gets the more we'll all spend time together.

For now it's been a little break. A needed break. We haven't talked alone at all.

Other than when he's picking up the kids, we will have a very safe dialog .. Smiles, definite longing looks.. And maybe 5/6 texts in the last 6 weeks only discussing plans and nothing at all inappropriate.

Well yesterday was kind of a very specific date for me. People are aware of it and I had people contacting me all day, texts, calls, social media.. To talk to me or just let me know they were thinking of me.

I lost two very important people in a very brutal way.. That's another story, but yesterday was a long hard day.
I had wondered a few times if he would say anything to me about it. Wasn't expecting it but I did wonder.

When dinner rolled around.. I figured he wasn't going too, not going to lie it hurt a little but just brushed it off. I tried to just put it out of my mind. I know logically he didn't forget the day.. If this day had not happened I don't think the affair ever would have either, and I believe he knows that.

Then right before bed I got a text.

Said "I hope you are doing ok, thought about you all day."
Then about 5 minutes later "after watching you last week. There's still feelings. Sorry."

I just said thank you.

And again the silence.

I know I'm over thinking.

I always do.

But I would just go over it all in my head a million times, because I have nobody I can talk to about it, so writing this out has already felt like a weight lifted.

Not sure if this was a set back but to me it made me feel stronger. Inside I feel stronger and more capable to keep moving forward.
However I also feel if he hadn't sent anything at all, I would have hardened towards him a bit more maybe.. Making moving on easier in the long run?

What do you think?

Please save your judgment.
Save it.

I'm not interested in judgment, I've heard it all before and I tell myself it over and over again and it's pretty useless. I'm not looking to restart my affair. And I already know it was wrong.

Last edited by LaylaSings; 13th March 2014 at 10:51 AM..
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Old 13th March 2014, 10:56 AM   #2
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I should also make it clear.. There was NO DDay. Nobody knows of the affair except the two of us.

I guess I wanted to open the discussion about all these special / milestone days in a persons life. Be it tragedy, death, birth, or birthdays and holidays, how do you feel about contacting them and did they contact you..


I wonder if him saying there was still feelings.. Is that an explanation he was giving for the late message? He waited until the day was almost over. That could have just been convenience since I know he was busy all day but I still knew he absolutely knew what day it was. I wonder if he struggled with the decision to say anything to me or not.

God. I over analyze everything!

Last edited by LaylaSings; 13th March 2014 at 10:59 AM..
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Old 13th March 2014, 11:39 AM   #3
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Oh, Layla. I'm so sorry about what I'm sure was a really tough anniversary for you (for a lot of reasons, it sounds like).

I overanalyze everything. I deleted almost all of the emails from my A, otherwise I'm sure I would do nothing other than sit around all day re-reading them and trying to make sense of it all. So, I so understand that instinct.

I'm not sure how I would feel in your shoes. I'm sure I would have wanted to hear from him, even if I knew it probably wasn't for the best in terms of "moving on". But, in your situation, moving on is such a different thing than for a lot of other people. Your lives are so intertwined. NC obviously isn't an option, so you need to find some way to live with this, some type of middle ground where the A is done, but you're both able to compartmentalize it and live with what it was and what your current relationship is.

It sounds like he probably did struggle with whether to reach out to you or not (based on the late message and the delayed follow-up). I'm sure some people will think it's terrible that he mentioned still having feelings - and it does definitely make it harder for you to move on - but if it's the truth, it's the truth, you know? I know you're both trying to move on, but I'm not big on denial. You have ended the A, and are trying to keep your distance. But again, your lives are so tied up with each other that there's no way to just sever ties and move on. I obviously don't think you should restart the A (I know that's not what you want either) but I don't necessarily think there's much to be gained from repressing everything and pretending you both aren't hurting.

(yes, it's possible I'm projecting quite a bit here...)

As to your original question: his birthday was during the A, mine is coming up pretty soon. I already know I'll be hurt if I don't hear from him, but he's also terrible with dates, so I wouldn't be surprised anyway. In general, holidays have been hard. We've been in minimal contact since the A ended in October, so we've had a bunch since then, obviously. We sort of gloss over them, to be honest. It's hurt though.

Last edited by Waverly; 13th March 2014 at 11:42 AM.. Reason: I didn't actually address the topic. :)
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Old 13th March 2014, 12:23 PM   #4
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Thanks. I don't think him saying he still had feelings meant anything more than really maybe a little insight into why he's been keeping his distance the last couple weeks, and also maybe why he waited until he was the last person to contact me that day..

I don't think he was fishing. I don't think he wants to restart the affair.

I think that he just wanted me to know. I mean we both clearly know even if it's unspoken that feelings don't just disappear. Especially tugs quickly and I doubt they'll ever be gone between us.. But right now at this point in time every things is just still very fresh.

Hard to just be friendly and keep things simple.. when you love the person and have so much you want to say.
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Old 13th March 2014, 12:33 PM   #5
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Not going to lie.. The *"after watching you last week" .. "There's still feelings, sorry"

Is what really made my heart jump. I barely saw him last week. When I did I think I even mentioned I can feel him watching me. I study his face. I felt like he was avoiding me because he didn't have feelings, or because he was becoming angry or upset ... Every day I think something different.

I know I'm supposed to stop thinking about it but it's really hard.
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Old 13th March 2014, 12:47 PM   #6
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Thanks. I don't think him saying he still had feelings meant anything more than really maybe a little insight into why he's been keeping his distance the last couple weeks, and also maybe why he waited until he was the last person to contact me that day..

I don't think he was fishing. I don't think he wants to restart the affair.

I think that he just wanted me to know. I mean we both clearly know even if it's unspoken that feelings don't just disappear. Especially tugs quickly and I doubt they'll ever be gone between us.. But right now at this point in time every things is just still very fresh.

Hard to just be friendly and keep things simple.. when you love the person and have so much you want to say.
Yes he was. Yes he does.

So sorry for your losses.
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Old 13th March 2014, 1:34 PM   #7
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Yes he was. Yes he does.

So sorry for your losses.
I guess I feel if he wanted to restart it he wouldn't be keeping his distance.

Thank you. It's been three years now and some days I feel like it was forever ago and other times feels like I woke up to the news just that morning.
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Old 13th March 2014, 1:49 PM   #8
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I wonder if him saying there was still feelings.. Is that an explanation he was giving for the late message? He waited until the day was almost over.
Yes, I wondered about that, too. I'm leaning more towards the, "oh crap, look what day it is . . ."

There will be lots of "firsts." It is probably wise that you ask him NOT to share "feelings" comments. It doesn't help you towards your goal and it doesnt' change anything. Refraining from sharing such comments would show respect for your decision to move on.
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Old 13th March 2014, 2:04 PM   #9
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Yes, I wondered about that, too. I'm leaning more towards the, "oh crap, look what day it is . . ."

.
Oh no chance he was blindsided about the day.. He was with my husband for most of it, and his wife and my closest friend for the other half, not to mention the day was significant for all four of us. It was just more personal to me because it was about a family member and very close friend to me.. But all of us went through it together at the time.

But maybe he was thinking "oh crap.." Not being sure what to say if anything at all.. Really he's one of my closest friends so if he hadn't acknowledged it at all his wife and my husband would have thought that a little weird. It would have hurt but I would have understood why he didn't say anything if he hadn't.

I of course deleted only the second text, not the first. And felt guilt for doing so. First message since we ended it that I've had to delete.

Last edited by LaylaSings; 13th March 2014 at 2:07 PM..
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Old 13th March 2014, 2:12 PM   #10
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And felt guilt for doing so.
And, that's my point, there's no good to come of sharing such messages. You're trying to move this to an acceptable friendship and doing anything that sabotages that sets you back.

Sometimes people break-up because they want to re-establish the relationship with different expectations and parameters. If you know what you want, which is a friendship where you can co-exist guilt free with your respective spouses then you need to look at what boundaries need to be in place to make that happen. You know those boundaries better than anyone because you know yourself, and you know him.

Articulate those boundaries and then respect them and demand respect for them. Following that, the only thing that helps is time and it feels like it can't pass quick enough.
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Old 13th March 2014, 4:17 PM   #11
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I do feel that having another conversation about the affair with him at all would be wrong at this point would be useless and only cause more pain.
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Old 13th March 2014, 4:44 PM   #12
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Said "I hope you are doing ok, thought about you all day."
Then about 5 minutes later "after watching you last week. There's still feelings. Sorry."
So about this text...let me just say that as my xMM tried to transition to "friendship" with me I sent a few of these texts to him. While I can't speak for your xAP when I sent them it meant .... I still need space because I'm still struggling to be your "friend" and that I might screw-up as these feelings are crowding my judgement. So maybe he wanted to reach out earlier in the day or wasn't sure if he should reach out at all or something along those lines.

For me it was almost a quasi-apology or at least an explanation as to why I was behaving the way that I was. That behavior was an antithesis to what I was previously with him. The statement was never to begin anything again but just an explanation. As in, this sucks but I still have feelings for you and I don't know how to act. Your xAP may be different but, to me, this was just an explanation of fact and for him not to be angry/hopeful over anything that I might have done or not done.
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Old 13th March 2014, 6:05 PM   #13
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So about this text...let me just say that as my xMM tried to transition to "friendship" with me I sent a few of these texts to him. While I can't speak for your xAP when I sent them it meant .... I still need space because I'm still struggling to be your "friend" and that I might screw-up as these feelings are crowding my judgement. So maybe he wanted to reach out earlier in the day or wasn't sure if he should reach out at all or something along those lines.

For me it was almost a quasi-apology or at least an explanation as to why I was behaving the way that I was. That behavior was an antithesis to what I was previously with him. The statement was never to begin anything again but just an explanation. As in, this sucks but I still have feelings for you and I don't know how to act. Your xAP may be different but, to me, this was just an explanation of fact and for him not to be angry/hopeful over anything that I might have done or not done.
I think you are very right.
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Old 13th March 2014, 10:29 PM   #14
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When it comes to your friendship with him, what are your boundaries? Have you had time to really think about that? To you, what is, and what is not, acceptable contact between the two of you?
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Old 14th March 2014, 12:02 AM   #15
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When it comes to your friendship with him, what are your boundaries? Have you had time to really think about that? To you, what is, and what is not, acceptable contact between the two of you?
Anything we wouldn't do or say in front of our spouses or anyone else, we won't do.
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