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Sending a letter to the Wife


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I didn't want to hijack the other thread on which I started to discuss this situation, so I decided to put this out there for you guys.

 

Brief summary: I am divorced. I started seeing a man from long ago (college) in 2012. He represented himself as separated/divorcing. Long distance R...trusted him and shouldn't. After months and questions from me, he confided that that was not true, he wasn't divorced, and his wife had no clue about our R. After our last and final visit in March 2013, I insisted he tell his W. He claimed he did and then went NC. That lasted a short while and then he'd periodically start calling me, suck me back in...you know the ugly cycle. I demanded NC in September of this year...told him he could only call me when he was divorced. He started calling, messaging in Dec. I blocked him...told him again not to call me...threatened to inform his W.

 

Prior to his recent contacts, I had been doing quite well...moving on. Even had a date. Not obsessing or replaying the relationship over and over anymore. Recently he contacted me again by letter...YES, I read it. Again, professing his love, his intentions to leave his wife...but not yet because he didn't have a stable income and because of his son, blah, blah, blah.

 

Since then I've been ripping angry. I made the mistake of looking at his FB page and found a picture of him with his W on a vacation which he'd lied to me about, claiming it was a "guys weekend." Am I shocked? Hell no. If he lied that much to her, of course he is lying to me...I get that NOW.

 

I've drafted a letter to his wife. I don't have her email, and he is at home all day so any mail sent to the home will be intercepted, I am quite sure. I plan to send it to her office, which is less that great, but don't see any alternatives.

 

It is a pretty cut and dry letter. I open by saying it is my understanding from her H that she already knows of the affair, but if she doesn't, I am very sorry to be telling her this way. I outline our time together...when and where we met up...no other details. I did tell her he lied to me about the status of their marriage. I did tell her he professed his love for me and promised me a future. I offered her email, vm, photos if she wanted. I stated that I would not contact her again, but if she wished to email me that was ok. I told her I would not contact him again either. Finally, I said I was sorry for the role I played in his affair, but that I was working with a very distorted understanding of his/their realities.

 

What do I expect to happen? Nothing, I suppose. I guess I'm hoping this will end things, once and for all. I guess I know it will close the door permanently...this will anger him and I will no longer be his "love object."

 

On some level, I feel she should know. I do feel this man is a masterful liar, and well...if she doesn't know that already, she will now. I suspect she won't do anything about it, other than perhaps get mad at him for a while. I guess I'll never know. I wish I could say I'm doing this only to help her, or because I'm so very sorry...but there is a big part of me that wants to hurt him, once and for all, for putting me through this.

 

I will send it Monday...unless you guys talk me off the ledge. I wish I could just delete him from my head, as I had done this fall.

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Attach in the envelope the letter(s) he's sent to you.

 

Leave your name and number as well so she can talk to you if need be.

Talking to her will relieve some of what you're feeling and also so you'll forgive yourself for making some bad mistakes.

 

He's scum.

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I think you're incredibly strong. I also happen to think you're doing the right thing for her, and for you. If I was her I would want to know...you've given him fair warning that this would happen if he didn't maintain your requested NC. Its time to follow through...good luck, we are here for you and please kup

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Please don't forget to write "Personal & Confidential" on the front of the envelope and underline it. It would be embarrass her if someone else read it.

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Yes, don't do anything to disrupt her life while she is at work. Find a way to do it outside of work. That's not fair.

 

 

Goodbye, you have wanted to do this for so long that I think perhaps you should, it may be the only way you can move on.

 

 

But please, go in gently. I don't think she will need a great deal of detail or anything, and DO make sure you apologise for your part in it.

 

 

What happens after that is up to them.

 

 

Good luck. But read some of my past threads about what happened after I disclosed.

 

 

Its still dragging on. He broke NC this morning. Damned affairs.

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Goodbye, If you have nothing to gain in sending the letter why send it now. I feel you are acting out of resentment. You could very easily write on the letter he sent you return to sender, or not at this address. I see a lot of people on here who are gung ho on telling the wife, husband or whatever.

 

 

No one can be sure of another's mental state. How do you know you won't be the cause of this women acting irrationally or him becoming violent. "you don't" but if you can sleep at night by all means go ahead. For that matter all of you that say to TELL. Even if you tell, it doesn't mean that she is going to leave him, as most women don't leave.

 

 

From what you wrote, you could careless about him, so why bother. I say silence is golden.

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yellowmaverick

Send it, but leave out the part where you said that you were working with a distorted reality, because this just weakens the apology.

 

I agree with the recommendation to mark it "personal and confidential" or to send it certified. Resist the temptation to tell the MM that you are sending the letter because he will just pre-empt you and make it sound like you are a nut job.

 

I really hope that you send it. She needs to know the reality of her life.

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What happened to all the empathy here? You honestly believe having a poor innocent woman breaking down in front of work colleagues is the right way to go? It maybe the lesser evil but evil is still evil...... I would never ever put someone in that position and what give you the right to treat an innocent bystander in this fashion? Oh so you had an affair with her husband but end of the day all you are hurting is her and not him.

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AlwaysGrowing

Along the lines of my other post.

 

I would not view this as trying to hurt him, it is you enforcing a clearly stated boundary. He chose it.

 

Women have a more difficult time in giving consequences when boundaries are crossed. We are much more likely to just keep repeating ourselves. We have to learn to back up our words.

 

The time for words is over.

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She will absolutely not get it if it is sent to her home. He'll figure out a way to intercept it...this I know.

 

I have no other way but to send it to her office. Maybe I'll just not send it. I don't know. I suppose her ignorance is her bliss...

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What happened to all the empathy here? You honestly believe having a poor innocent woman breaking down in front of work colleagues is the right way to go? It maybe the lesser evil but evil is still evil...... I would never ever put someone in that position and what give you the right to treat an innocent bystander in this fashion? Oh so you had an affair with her husband but end of the day all you are hurting is her and not him.

 

 

 

Whatever Wambo. You are the type of poster who also would jump on the "tell the whole truth" "she must know" bandwagon. I'm not the evil one here. Spare me.

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She will absolutely not get it if it is sent to her home. He'll figure out a way to intercept it...this I know.

 

I have no other way but to send it to her office. Maybe I'll just not send it. I don't know. I suppose her ignorance is her bliss...

 

Send it. She deserves to know what her husband is.

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PLEASE don't listen to anyone's post here about whether or not you should send this letter. This is ENTIRELY up to you. There is no right or wrong answer here.

 

It's a tough situation to be in and I understand both sides. On one hand, why bring this woman pain and heartache by telling her the truth? But on the other, why let her remain in the dark about what kind of person her H is? Shouldn't she, too, have the opportunity to find someone who will treat her RIGHT? Many MM have this mentality of "what she doesn't know won't hurt her". It's an extremely selfish stance. Whenever I think, "the OW should definitely NOT tell the BS"...I then think, "but what if I was the BS...wouldn't I desperately want to know the truth?".

 

I suppose, "do what you would want done to you". If you were her, what would you want? Good luck - I know it's a tough predicament to be in. So unfortunate. I wish you the best in whatever choice you make.

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If you do decide to tell her, please be honest. While you may not have been aware in the beginning that you were an accessory to cheating and you have ended the affair, the truth is that you did allow him to "suck you back in" after knowing the truth.

 

Will it make a difference to her? Maybe, maybe not...but by telling the truth, you will be able to move on with a clearer conscience. Also, if she confronts him accusing him of deceiving both of you only to have him reveal that you did know, it would undermine your credibility and she may turn her angry toward you and blame you instead of at him.

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Don't do it. You want to hurt him, not the whole family and everyone else involved. Yes, your feelings are hurt and you're angry. The best way to hurt him is to tell him one day you'll be sending her a letter. He'll be a mess worrying about it for a long time. What if he is a great Dad. It's not worth it. Make the threat and walk away. His wife will eventually see his faults and do what she has to.

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SunshineToday

So torn here but my general stance is no one deserves to be cheated on and should always be given that information to be able to protect themselves from an STD.

 

But I hate the thought of someone finding at work. :/

 

No matter the BS deserves to know and please give the truth.

It's the right thing. Agree with including the letter as proof positive. Will help prevent him from gas lighting her.

 

Best of luck.

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PLEASE don't listen to anyone's post here about whether or not you should send this letter. This is ENTIRELY up to you. There is no right or wrong answer here.

 

It's a tough situation to be in and I understand both sides. On one hand, why bring this woman pain and heartache by telling her the truth? But on the other, why let her remain in the dark about what kind of person her H is? Shouldn't she, too, have the opportunity to find someone who will treat her RIGHT? Many MM have this mentality of "what she doesn't know won't hurt her". It's an extremely selfish stance. Whenever I think, "the OW should definitely NOT tell the BS"...I then think, "but what if I was the BS...wouldn't I desperately want to know the truth?".

 

I suppose, "do what you would want done to you". If you were her, what would you want? Good luck - I know it's a tough predicament to be in. So unfortunate. I wish you the best in whatever choice you make.

 

 

You know what? If she came upon an old email exchange between the exMM and myself and she thought "Wow...that loser OW REALLY believed that shyte??? Little did she know we were NOT separated, and we were making love every night and he was planning our romantic vacation"...and if she then decided to enlighten me with the truth: that their marriage was functional and well in her eyes...I honestly would have appreciated it. Would have found it to be a relief to some of the nagging questions I had about some of the "ambiguity" in the situation. I guess I'm like that...the dark scares me, I'd rather shine a light on that corner and see what is in it.

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If you do decide to tell her, please be honest. While you may not have been aware in the beginning that you were an accessory to cheating and you have ended the affair, the truth is that you did allow him to "suck you back in" after knowing the truth.

 

Will it make a difference to her? Maybe, maybe not...but by telling the truth, you will be able to move on with a clearer conscience. Also, if she confronts him accusing him of deceiving both of you only to have him reveal that you did know, it would undermine your credibility and she may turn her angry toward you and blame you instead of at him.

 

 

He only "sucked me back in" emotionally in my own head/heart. I didn't see him or engage in communications back to him other than to tell him to leave me alone.

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He only "sucked me back in" emotionally in my own head/heart. I didn't see him or engage in communications back to him other than to tell him to leave me alone.

 

I'm sorry, I misunderstood. Your fortitude is admirable...and all too rare.

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No matter the BS deserves to know and please give the truth.

It's the right thing.

 

I agree. Who knows what she really knows?

Wouldn't you want to know if you where the BS?

 

Agree with including the letter as proof positive. Will help prevent him from gas lighting her

 

No doubt, he will he will try gaslighting her, lying seems to come easy to him

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Why are you reading his letters or going on his fb? I'm not trying to be mean , just trying to understand .

 

He lied, I understand but he never said he was divorced right?

do whatever you want to do with the letter to the W but do think it through . You are angry ( understandably) and in general , decisions made when you're mad come back to haunt us .

Best

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I'm not condemning her in any way . I was just trying to understand .

I'm an xMW. Who am I to condemn anyone?

Edited by txgrl
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