Why is moving on from a married person harder than a single person?

[PurpleCardigan]

I've searched through many of threads but haven't been able to find an answer. Why do you think that the relationship with the MM or MW is harder to walk away from? Or was it harder or just as hard with single people break-ups for you?

 

I've dumped and been dumped by other (single) men in my life and none have effected me the way that my xMM has. Was it because I felt like it was "love"? Was it that I was single again and he was back in his marriage and I'd never be able to compete? Was it because with the single guys there was always a chance we could re-connect versus someone who is married? Was it the lies and future faking that I really didn't know who he was? I'd felt the love chemicals before and never felt this pull before. I still have ex-boyfriends who pop back into my life and I can easily ignore them, even ones that I once pined for. Yet xMM is different. (I'm not going back, so please don't reply that I should just stay away.)

 

Anyone know why? I guess that I don't buy the chemical/addiction theory and am searching for other answers on why I feel like I do.

[Woggle]

Because people who have affairs tend to be addicted like the affair is crack.

[txgrl]

I believe I've read it somewhere on this forum .It's the unfinished business , the 'what ifs'. You never have an out in the open , honest relationship , it doesn't run a natural course like other relationships . The fantasy remains and continues .

I know it still hurts , even after all these explanations and answers . Best.

[Popsicle]

It's not been harder for me, it was just as hard walking away from my single ex.

[Realist3]

There used to be a frequent poster here named Pierre. This subject came up often. He could tell you exactly why. I don't know if he was a psychologist, but he had the psychology down. I won't even pretend to speak as eloquently as he could on the subject, but his bottom line was that the MM/MW relationship was/is far more intoxicating to the AP than any single person could ever hope to be. Maybe try a search of his name.

[jwi71]

Why do you think that the relationship with the MM or MW is harder to walk away from? Or was it harder or just as hard with single people break-ups for you?

 

"What-if"

 

Sometimes hope is poison. A vile thought pushing to greater lengths of...what if.

 

What if...he wasn't married...then we could make it. The only failure not "ours" but hers (the BS). Future denied. Paradise lost. No fault of mine...or his...its the situation...what if.

 

What if the kids were older! More able and mature to see how happy he is with me. What if.

 

What if she weren't so ill. She could be stronger and he could leave...she would be ok...we would be together...what if.

 

What if the greedy biatch didnt want half...taking his hard earned assets...controlling him with her greed (his really but I digress)...what if.

 

Its rare to see an A become an M...but what if we are one of those...we are, after all, wholly special and unique...what if...can't give up now...

 

An A is half an R...stolen moments laced together in deceit. No, not deceit of the BS...of each other. Taking the fantasy and projecting it out as if it could be real...well, maybe...what if....

 

(yes, I know, there are exceptions...and they are exceptions because the rule is not those experiences- hence calling them exceptions).

 

And the what ifs have no answer. The future is inherently undefined (read my sig below) and we substitute the scary unknown for the perfect fantasy. The deceit AP's share of the promise of tomorrow (which, btw, never arrives (yes, see caveat above))...the hope that it can be. The investment too great to leave now...what if I do and he was "the one"...I waited so long in the shadows that I fear leaving now means the bus comes as I walk away...and I miss it....what if...

 

With the single guy...the what if, while present, isn't constrained by the other never, but always, present party. You KNOW you have all the single guy. He has no "other" to restrain him. To provide a boundary to overcome. Its him. And you. Doesn't work...you know it didn't work because...well, you two didn't work.

 

The MM...well...you don't have all. You can't. By definition.

But what if you did....

 

And the thoughts spiral from there...and you feel robbed. Robbed of a potential that while feeling real never was (ok, 99% wasn't likely to happen). And, dammit...now I feel played. He wouldn't play me....what if he did...what if...what if...what if...That's not the man I know he wouldn't do that...oh but he is...just not TO you...what if its true, is he playing me...dammit...now I'm mad again....what if what if what if.....

[PurpleCardigan]

"What-if"

 

With the single guy...the what if, while present, isn't constrained by the other never, but always, present party. You KNOW you have all the single guy. He has no "other" to restrain him. To provide a boundary to overcome. Its him. And you. Doesn't work...you know it didn't work because...well, you two didn't work.

.

 

Thank you...this has given me more to think about! The part I excerpted was especially insightful. You are right, especially at the end that "what if" question tormented me, and I can't say that "what if'd" my single relationships as I just accepted that we didn't work.

[PurpleCardigan]

There used to be a frequent poster here named Pierre. This subject came up often. He could tell you exactly why. I don't know if he was a psychologist, but he had the psychology down. I won't even pretend to speak as eloquently as he could on the subject, but his bottom line was that the MM/MW relationship was/is far more intoxicating to the AP than any single person could ever hope to be. Maybe try a search of his name.

 

Realist3 -- thanks for replying! I've read many of Pierre's posts, but they didn't resonate with me. I'll go back and try again though. I'm in a different space now, so perhaps it will yield a different result.

[MissTakes]

It's funny, because when it comes to many relationships I've had in my life, my attitude is quite healthy (I know - the irony): I'm not interested in being with someone who isn't interested in being with me.

 

With my MM, though, I know he wants to be with me. Or at least it feels like he wants to be with me. Or at least he tells me that he wants to be with me. And it doesn't seem fair that the person who wants to be with me somehow can't be. It feels like all the things we've been told about love being enough aren't true. It's not just the "what ifs," because I don't know what I would realistically want out of a relationship with him: it's that we're not even being given the chance to try one, even though we both wish we could. It's the moment in "My Best Friend's Wedding" when Julia Roberts and Dermott Mulroney are on the boat dancing with each other and your heart physically hurts because he's so perfect for her, and she's giving him up. It's the thought that ghosts are those who die with unfinished business, and he may always be yours: neither of you wanted an ending, so you didn't really have one. And because it's still an open wound, unlike the scars of our other heartbreaks, it never really heals.

[PurpleCardigan]

It's funny, because when it comes to many relationships I've had in my life, my attitude is quite healthy (I know - the irony): I'm not interested in being with someone who isn't interested in being with me.

 

With my MM, though, I know he wants to be with me. Or at least it feels like he wants to be with me. Or at least he tells me that he wants to be with me. And it doesn't seem fair that the person who wants to be with me somehow can't be. It feels like all the things we've been told about love being enough aren't true. It's not just the "what ifs," because I don't know what I would realistically want out of a relationship with him: it's that we're not even being given the chance to try one, even though we both wish we could. It's the moment in "My Best Friend's Wedding" when Julia Roberts and Dermott Mulroney are on the boat dancing with each other and your heart physically hurts because he's so perfect for her, and she's giving him up. It's the thought that ghosts are those who die with unfinished business, and he may always be yours: neither of you wanted an ending, so you didn't really have one. And because it's still an open wound, unlike the scars of our other heartbreaks, it never really heals.

 

Oh my goodness, Miss Takes...^^^^ this!!! He always said that he loved me but was choosing to walk away by refusing to see me in person or talk on the phone. It was text only at the end. We were co-workers who hardly saw each other but when we were LC and he'd see me he'd withdraw for a week or so just to put that distance despite the protestations of loving me and missing me. That ghost analogy is so fitting of unfinished business. I just have to let go of my ghost, once and for all.

 

I'm indebted to you . And you are not alone, I was in the same ironic position in your first paragraph. I wish you the best.

[Eggplant]

My theory is that we're puppets being controlled by a really smart subconscious who looks at the situation, calculates how big the obstacles are between you and the person it wants you to be with, and then adjusts the strength of the infatuation accordingly. If it wants you to be with an unavailable guy, that's a huge obstacle, so it will ramp up the volume. This same puppeteer will watch the relationship, and once you're stable and married, it will dial down the infatuation. The end result being you feel the most heartache for people who are unattainable.

 

Regardless of what is really going on in your brain, I think this is a good model to predict how you fall in love.

[chelsea2011]

I'm going to play devils advocate and say it's harder because the Mm/MW won't leave you alone or let the single AP go. Why be with another MM/MW that is having sex with their spouse when you can manipulate a single person into only being with you. You get the best of both worlds. Disgusting scenario, but probaby more true than one realizes. If you stay after knowing their truth it's on you.

[PurpleCardigan]

My theory is that we're puppets being controlled by a really smart subconscious who looks at the situation, calculates how big the obstacles are between you and the person it wants you to be with, and then adjusts the strength of the infatuation accordingly. If it wants you to be with an unavailable guy, that's a huge obstacle, so it will ramp up the volume. This same puppeteer will watch the relationship, and once you're stable and married, it will dial down the infatuation. The end result being you feel the most heartache for people who are unattainable.

 

Regardless of what is really going on in your brain, I think this is a good model to predict how you fall in love.

 

Very interesting! Definitely some truth in this -- we tend to want what we can't have. Thank you!

[gettingstronger]

I don't mean this as harsh and as a BS I know I start in the hole with some of you but is it possible its because you were not truthful with yourself or your AP about what you really wanted from the A- I only ask because in our situation-our OW said she was fine with it being just a fling type thing- when dday hit she (I think) had lots of regrets on how she played the situation- I think she felt like she should have been more honest about her intentions all along-I think she thought they both felt more than they admitted and in the end they would end up together- do you think that a relationship where you can not fully be yourself, where you have to accept things you normally would not fills you with so much regret that it makes it hard to get over?

[scatterd]

I have to agree that we want what we can not have. The challenge to get someone can intriguea person more.

[txgrl]

in the veryfew cases , for whom an A turns into reality and they come together, very very few work outside of the A bubble... another thing to always keep in mind. makes getting over it just a li'l bit easier.

[Waverly]

I will say this: during my A, the intent was always that we would both leave our marriages and be together. Always. But, even when I was in the midst of it all, I would occasionally panic and just think that I'd never be able to do it, that he wasn't really going to be worth it. But now that it's over? Now that there is no chance we will ever actually be together, I'm totally fixated on the idea and convinced that this was the only person I was ever meant to be with. Even as I do it, I know it's insane. I'm thinking this way because he's completely unattainable.

[Goodbye]

For me it was "imperfect" closure. Can't say there wasn't closure. It is over...so that is closure. It was left up to me to end it and that is a very hard role for me. I did it, because that was the right thing to do, but he didn't make it easy, even though he wasn't leaving his wife.

 

In addition, there was a very thick coating of future faking that my exMM layered on our time together. There were tons of promises that went unfulfilled. For quite a while, I had been encouraged to imagine a beautiful life together with him. Those thoughts were hard to leave behind. And the future faking continued right up until our last conversation...with him swearing he was going to get a divorce after "X,Y and Z" and that then we could live out our lovely, perfect romance. Hard to walk away from as a single mom.

[carhill]

Why is moving on from a married person harder than a single person?

 

My main takeaway was the dynamic of 'unfinished business', but I don't see that as unique to interactions with married people, in my case MW's. It could happen in any relationship. I often see it occur in family relationships, like siblings or parent/child. There is unfinished business and one of the people dies and the 'business' lingers on in the psyche of the remaining person.

 

In the case of affairs, where the relationship isn't allowed a normal and healthy death, the psychological aftermath is different from those which are.

 

Personally, I've had a few 'single' relationships where there was difficulty in moving on too, for the same reason, so I dismissed the dynamic as being related to the marital status of the person.

 

The one area where I've seen complete closure? Where both parties clearly communicate their desire to have no further contact with the other; no outside 'reasons', simply mutual desire to end things. Second best has been when one party clearly communicates the same thing unilaterally. 'Desire' was the key. 'Go away'. OK, gone. Ambiguity? If there is, the potential for unfinished business and the attendant psychological processes can exist, making it harder to 'move on'.

[jwi71]

I have to agree that we want what we can not have. The challenge to get someone can intriguea person more.

 

This is puzzling.

 

Because...from the AP PoV...you "have" him. You love him and, per him, he loves you.

 

Please keep in mind it takes TWO to be together...we have one party choosing to be so...and the other party choosing NOT to be.

 

It is not an impossible scenario - It simply isn't chosen.

 

(by whom?)

[wasntlooking]

Well said carhill

[txgrl]

ambiguity!!! thats the word that i was looking for. The 'what ifs' give u ambiguity. Theres' no clearcut " we tried, it didnt work out". AP feel that they HAD to stop because of outside factors and not because they desired to.

 

Its very interesting to me that you pointed out that this applies to other relationships too , not just romantic. I can think of one recent death in the family with some 'unfinished business' that is not letting one of my family members move on.

thanks for the perspective!

[Nattie]

I think two things to consider are, the fact that in getting over an affair, you are alone. You flirt, get attached, fall in lust/love in secrecy. When it ends, a lot of times you're suffering in secrecy as well, and being trapped alone in your own head can be pretty rough.

 

Also, there's sometimes that feeling within an affair, "he's/she's married but they're choosing ME. Risking it all for ME, this connection must be stronger than normal, we can't resist each other etc" it can literally become a romeo & Juliet tragedy in your mind.

[MissTakes]

I think two things to consider are, the fact that in getting over an affair, you are alone. You flirt, get attached, fall in lust/love in secrecy. When it ends, a lot of times you're suffering in secrecy as well, and being trapped alone in your own head can be pretty rough.

 

Also, there's sometimes that feeling within an affair, "he's/she's married but they're choosing ME. Risking it all for ME, this connection must be stronger than normal, we can't resist each other etc" it can literally become a romeo & Juliet tragedy in your mind.

 

Nattie, these are both such good points. With most relationships, you have your girlfriends to talk it over with, and they're there with a pint of Ben and Jerry's when it ends. With an A, you're completely on your own. Even if you do have friends who knew about it - unlikely - they probably aren't going to be terribly supportive... much more likely an "I told you so!" attitude.

 

And yes, that's fair. But it doesn't help!

 

The second part... that I struggle with. There's some degree of that, for sure. There's also some degree of "OMG I'm involved with a crazy person. Why on EARTH would he ever even THINK about putting at risk everything he has, so much of which is built around her, especially when she's such an amazing person?"

[Nattie]

There's so much lust and intense desire in an affair too, you get hooked on the rush. I would be willing to bet a few years of picking their dirty underwear up off the bedroom store and running to the drugstore for their athletes foot spray tends to change that. I don't have to deal with any of my MM's flaws.