When you are the fly on the wall

[LaylaSings]

I am doing my best to end my affair. I'm under no delusions that I could be doing more but in my current situation I really do believe I'm trying my best.

 

I am in love with my OM. Not quite two weeks ago we agreed to end our affair.. We haven't spoken alone since then; only in situations with other people or alone for brief periods of time where we just don't act any different than we would with any other friend. We had been low contact for 8 weeks before that.

 

Thing is I do still love him, I do still care for his and his wife's children on a daily basis. We all still see each other almost every day socially we are pretty much extended family. We have connected backyards.. And my husband and him work together daily, his wife my best friend.

 

His wife has always been an oversharer. Just very detailed.

Since we ended things officially she has told me he's angry out it nowhere at times. Excessively so, and he's a very even tempered guy normally, I've never even witnessed him angry in my life. They have not had sex in three weeks.. Meaning the last time he had sex was with me.

 

Small facts, like I know what he values the most is being a parent and so do I. He watches me take care of his kids, has told me he wishes I was there mother.. And this was all ages ago of course but knowing that now and trying to just pretend things are fine is really driving me crazy.

 

He always said everything he wished his wife was, I am. Not like he doesn't love her because he does. I guess a lot of other women at the end of an affair wonder if the things the married man said to her were true or not or just to get in her pants.. For me, I have his wife telling me how he feels and what he's said, confirming all the things he has said.

 

I wish I didn't.

 

I'm trying to put this all behind me, I don't want to, I would love to resume things today if I could but we have kids! And our spouses would be more than devastated. This is all a huge mess.

 

When she tells me some things.. I almost want to immediately contact him and say I miss you too!! But I won't.

[Kalee35]

If it's an emotional affair I believe a lot of what they are telling you is the truth. If it's a serial cheater then they simply lie to get what they want which is sex.

[LilGirlandOW]

Wow you really are like a fly on the wall of their marraige. Its going to be hard to end this A without leaving your job, I wish you all the luck, hugs and hope the support youre going to need here or IRL gets you through xoxo

[whichwayisup]

Wow you really are like a fly on the wall of their marraige. Its going to be hard to end this A without leaving your job, I wish you all the luck, hugs and hope the support youre going to need here or IRL gets you through xoxo

 

Or moving! Their backyards connect so basically they are neighbours as well.

 

Tough situation to be in, but this is for the best. So many innocent people could be extremely hurt and devastated if the affair is exposed.

[SugarHibiscus]

I wish we could private message. Our stories are so similar. I'm not as far along as you in ending my affair. I can't really offer advice, but I can surely commiserate.

[whatatangledweb]

I wish we could private message. Our stories are so similar. I'm not as far along as you in ending my affair. I can't really offer advice, but I can surely commiserate.

You can send and receive private messages after 50 posts and a month of having joined. You both just need a few more posts.

[LaylaSings]

Not only would we have to move but we own a business together. We are neighbours yes, but not even just that.. We are family for life. Not just friends. I can't imagine any situation where one of us would move or change jobs. Unless this all came out.

[LaylaSings]

I wish we could private message. Our stories are so similar. I'm not as far along as you in ending my affair. I can't really offer advice, but I can surely commiserate.

 

I'm not so sure how far along I am in ending it. We agreed not to cross the line again but if anything it's made the attraction towards each other stronger. I do feel a sense of confidence and peace finally that we are trying to end the physical right now but I'm not sure yet. We have seen each other everyday.

But not alone.

 

I watch their kids almost daily and some of the things he had said to me before the affair began, like two years ago, was how he admired how I was a mother, I chose children over career which is what him and his wife had agreed to do before getting married but she had changed her mind, and now works full time.. No ill towards her, she's still a great mom, she just doesn't do the things he pictured.. Reading stories, kissing owies, appointments and all the kid things.. the every day things a stay at home mom does.. I do with their kids as well as my own.

After the affair had first started he told me he dreamt of what our kids would have looked like. He at one point even said he wished I was their mother.

 

There has been times when we are all together, their kid will hurt themselves and run to me for comfort.

The other day he picked them up from me and things seemed normal but that night she told me that they got into a huge fight about parenting and he was comparing her to me. She wasn't upset about it but it had my head spinning. It's not just parenting styles either.. They will have arguments where he tells her what he feels he's missing.. And it's always things that he has said he values in me. I had been trying to convince myself that some of what he said was just in the affair fog. But she confirms it's things he's trying to work on in the marriage.

 

I feel at times he's even trying to train her to be more like me. If that makes any sense. He has also said things to my husband that take me to a weird place.

 

He could be saying things knowing they'll get back to me but I don't think that's his intention.

[cozycottagelg]

I can't imagine how painful that must be.

 

What made you decide to end the affair? Is it in a thread, could you link me?

 

Do you think if your husband vented to a friend about your marriage (as she does to you) that he would say similar things? Do you think he notices something is off? Do you feel like you act differently?

[Realist3]

Not only would we have to move but we own a business together. We are neighbours yes, but not even just that.. We are family for life. Not just friends. I can't imagine any situation where one of us would move or change jobs. Unless this all came out.

 

 

Wow! Talk about a tangled web. Given all you have said I doubt it will really ever end. It will just be up and down for a good long while. How do you end something that is always right there in your face?

[Trimmer]

The other day he picked them up from me and things seemed normal but that night she told me that they got into a huge fight about parenting and he was comparing her to me. She wasn't upset about it but it had my head spinning. It's not just parenting styles either.. They will have arguments where he tells her what he feels he's missing.. And it's always things that he has said he values in me. I had been trying to convince myself that some of what he said was just in the affair fog. But she confirms it's things he's trying to work on in the marriage.

Wow. Are you sure she won't eventually put two and two together? Especially when he's laying out the evidence right there for her to see?

 

The one thing that will tend to prevent her from putting it all together is the sheer and utter "impossibility" that you two would ever do anything so outrageously inappropriate. That will actually help keep her in the dark for a while longer, because if she ever tends to suspect you, she will immediately disregard it and deny it as ridiculous. As her suspicions get stronger, she may even question her own sanity: "How could I ever imagine this, there's no way..."

 

Which, when she eventually discovers the truth, will just add extra layers to the betrayal by both her own husband, and close friend. Tangled indeed.

[LaylaSings]

Wow. Are you sure she won't eventually put two and two together? Especially when he's laying out the evidence right there for her to see?

 

The one thing that will tend to prevent her from putting it all together is the sheer and utter "impossibility" that you two would ever do anything so outrageously inappropriate. That will actually help keep her in the dark for a while longer, because if she ever tends to suspect you, she will immediately disregard it and deny it as ridiculous. As her suspicions get stronger, she may even question her own sanity: "How could I ever imagine this, there's no way..."

 

Which, when she eventually discovers the truth, will just add extra layers to the betrayal by both her own husband, and close friend. Tangled indeed.

 

I completely understand what you are saying. Having an affair or lying at all really is something totally opposite of my character and not anything anyone would ever suspect.

I need it to be over.

It's not just me and him that are close, her and my husband are very close as well. It's not out of ordinary for him to talk about me to his wife and she does not and will not ever see that as evidence, he talked to her about valuing all of these things before I ever came into the picture. I just happen to embody those things.

[LaylaSings]

I can't imagine how painful that must be.

 

What made you decide to end the affair? Is it in a thread, could you link me?

 

Do you think if your husband vented to a friend about your marriage (as she does to you) that he would say similar things? Do you think he notices something is off? Do you feel like you act differently?

 

I can try to find the link for you yes, I only made a few threads. I want it to end because if we are discovered it would hurt so many people, mostly our kids I think about. I don't want it to end at all but it's so messed up. I need it to be done.

I don't vent a whole lot about my marriage to anyone. My husband, if he did, would to the OM. And when he complains about me to him or to his wife.. This is where it's tricky, the things he complains about, are the same things she complains about her husband (my OM) and vice versa.

We are each more like each other's spouses.

[LaylaSings]

Wow! Talk about a tangled web. Given all you have said I doubt it will really ever end. It will just be up and down for a good long while. How do you end something that is always right there in your face?

 

The emotional connection may never end in this situation but we could stop ourselves from doing anything physical. We could put that in the past I am hoping.

[XenoMouse]

Layla it sounds like you are in a really difficult situation. Good for you for trying to end it although i will agree that given the proximity of the situation it sounds almost impossible.

 

I don't know how old your kids are but what happens if they start to notice something about the way you and your OM interact with each other. Children can often be very perceptive of things like this. I know it doesnt help extract you from the emotions you feel but just some food for thought if the A were to continue.

[violet1]

Layla,

 

I know my posts to you seem harsh, but I just don't want you to go through a D Day. They absolutely suck. I want you to know I'm proud of you for sticking to your guns. I know it's hard ending an A. Continue doing what you're doing and don't let yourself be alone with him. You're stronger than you think. You can do this! You sound like an excellent mommy. I'm pleased you are putting your kid's needs first. How is your marriage btw? Is your H being nicer and a bit more affectionate to you?

[LaylaSings]

Layla,

 

I know my posts to you seem harsh, but I just don't want you to go through a D Day. They absolutely suck. I want you to know I'm proud of you for sticking to your guns. I know it's hard ending an A. Continue doing what you're doing and don't let yourself be alone with him. You're stronger than you think. You can do this! You sound like an excellent mommy. I'm pleased you are putting your kid's needs first. How is your marriage btw? Is your H being nicer and a bit more affectionate to you?

 

My husband is trying real hard to be affectionate towards me. I have a hard time accepting his affection though, it seems fake to me. Sounds harsh but I do feel that way. He feels our problems are mainly my past depression and thinks he needs to treat me like glass or I'll break.. He still blows up every so often but is working on fixing it, not really because he thinks it's an issue but because he knows I need it to change. He does love us and I do love him though. I'll just continue to focus on getting him to try marital counselling.

[violet1]

My husband is trying real hard to be affectionate towards me. I have a hard time accepting his affection though, it seems fake to me. Sounds harsh but I do feel that way. He feels our problems are mainly my past depression and thinks he needs to treat me like glass or I'll break.. He still blows up every so often but is working on fixing it, not really because he thinks it's an issue but because he knows I need it to change. He does love us and I do love him though. I'll just continue to focus on getting him to try marital counselling.

My H is very similar to yours. He's got a horrible temper and can be extremely verbally abusive. He's getting better and marriage counseling has been our life saver. Research therapists in your area. Ours is experienced and very affordable. I picked a male because my H wasn't comfortable speaking to a female about our problems. It helps a lot. He's was always against therapy before.

[Trimmer]

My husband is trying real hard to be affectionate towards me. I have a hard time accepting his affection though, it seems fake to me. Sounds harsh but I do feel that way.

Is it possible that your perceptions are being colored by your affair? It seems that often when people are involved in an affair, one of the "symptoms" is that they are especially sensitive to faults, real or imagined, in their partners, as a coping mechanism to justify or explain their betrayal. Is it possible that something like this is at work here?

 

He feels our problems are mainly my past depression and thinks he needs to treat me like glass or I'll break..

Again, don't you think he's greatly hampered by not knowing what one of your major "real problems" is? You probably are inexplicably sensitive, secretive, closed, hard to read, and inconsistent in your behavior as a result of hiding your affair, and your emotions surrounding it. Is it any wonder how he might be having trouble putting all of this into a coherent picture - when he doesn't have a most important piece of the puzzle? So he takes the odd evidence he has in front of him and he puts it together, the best he can, with what he does have available.

 

Can you really fault him for coming up with what you consider to be the wrong conclusion, when you are feeding him the wrong information?

[LaylaSings]

Is it possible that your perceptions are being colored by your affair? It seems that often when people are involved in an affair, one of the "symptoms" is that they are especially sensitive to faults, real or imagined, in their partners, as a coping mechanism to justify or explain their betrayal. Is it possible that something like this is at work here?

 

 

Again, don't you think he's greatly hampered by not knowing what one of your major "real problems" is? You probably are inexplicably sensitive, secretive, closed, hard to read, and inconsistent in your behavior as a result of hiding your affair, and your emotions surrounding it. Is it any wonder how he might be having trouble putting all of this into a coherent picture - when he doesn't have a most important piece of the puzzle? So he takes the odd evidence he has in front of him and he puts it together, the best he can, with what he does have available.

 

Can you really fault him for coming up with what you consider to be the wrong conclusion, when you are feeding him the wrong information?

 

Yes of course I've considered all that and still do. My very first post is all about that. I understand the affair had made me over sensitive to what he was doing and how he was treating me but all of those issues started long long before OM was ever in the picture in any way. I am not trying to justify my affair to anyone here or in my own head, it was horrible to a lot of people besides just my husband, no matter how I spin it, the affair was the wrong choice. I know that.

[SugarHibiscus]

You can send and receive private messages after 50 posts and a month of having joined. You both just need a few more posts.

 

Thanks! I was wondering what the deal was.

 

I'm here lurking but haven't had time to respond. More soon!

[SugarHibiscus]

I'm not so sure how far along I am in ending it. We agreed not to cross the line again but if anything it's made the attraction towards each other stronger. I do feel a sense of confidence and peace finally that we are trying to end the physical right now but I'm not sure yet. We have seen each other everyday.

But not alone.

 

We tried to end the physical too, but I swear, people can feel the electricity between us from miles away. We've gone out alone as "friends" every other weekend for the past month or so. But as far as I know, friends don't make out in public like 17 year-olds. Are we trying to fool ourselves? We've abstained from actually sleeping with each other but barely. (Mostly, because I won't. I want to, but we're "just friends" now and I don't want to cross the line.) The weekends we are not alone together we are with what we call our "others". (I'm sure you can relate.) Last Saturday, he secretly kissed me several times with the others in the next room. Yikes!

 

I watch their kids almost daily and some of the things he had said to me before the affair began, like two years ago, was how he admired how I was a mother, I chose children over career which is what him and his wife had agreed to do before getting married but she had changed her mind, and now works full time.. No ill towards her, she's still a great mom, she just doesn't do the things he pictured.. Reading stories, kissing owies, appointments and all the kid things.. the every day things a stay at home mom does.. I do with their kids as well as my own.

After the affair had first started he told me he dreamt of what our kids would have looked like. He at one point even said he wished I was their mother.

 

I'm a stay-at-home mom too. I have a MA from Northwestern but after my second child was born I choose to leave my career to stay home. I'm the minivan next to yours. lol. He admires my tireless attention to my kids, my selflessness and my natural caring for them. (Nothing against working moms. My mom was a working mom and she was, and is, as good as moms come.) He tells me that I have the hardest job in the world. When I have a parenting dilemma, my husband just groans at me, but my AP will talk out our options. He and I have identical views on how to rear children. He has a 14 year old son from a previous relationship and another on the way.

 

 

There has been times when we are all together, their kid will hurt themselves and run to me for comfort.

The other day he picked them up from me and things seemed normal but that night she told me that they got into a huge fight about parenting and he was comparing her to me. She wasn't upset about it but it had my head spinning. It's not just parenting styles either.. They will have arguments where he tells her what he feels he's missing.. And it's always things that he has said he values in me. I had been trying to convince myself that some of what he said was just in the affair fog. But she confirms it's things he's trying to work on in the marriage.

 

I feel at times he's even trying to train her to be more like me. If that makes any sense. He has also said things to my husband that take me to a weird place.

I do this to my H about OM. I wish my H was more like OM. In fact, I wish my H was OM!

 

He could be saying things knowing they'll get back to me but I don't think that's his intention.

 

I seriously doubt he's doing this to manipulate you. I'm sure he really means what he says.

[SugarHibiscus]

The emotional connection may never end in this situation but we could stop ourselves from doing anything physical. We could put that in the past I am hoping.

 

IMO, the emotional connection is the important part of any meaningful relationship.

 

My AP and I have been doing a lot of thinking about this lately. As long as we're "honest" and not sleeping with each other anymore, then everything's OK. Right? Just walk the tightrope and don't fall into the physical part of our relationship. I have serious doubts about our ability to balance for an extended period of time.

 

In my mind, the betrayal is the emotional intimacy. He gets me and I get him in a way that our others don't. When something happens, I want to tell HIM before anyone else. I want his counsel. I want his laughter. I want his affirmation.

 

"Just friends" don't talk to each other morning, noon and night. (We talk to each other three times a day at least. Literally, morning, noon and night.) If my H had a "friend" that he talked to so much, I would certainly call it an EA.

 

In my opinion, the physical part is just the corporeal expression of our emotional intimacy. Even if the physical is not there, the real connection still is.

 

IDK, like I said we've been thinking about it in relation to our A. I think it's going to be impossible for us not to cross the line. It's just a matter of time.

 

Does that make sense? Sorry I'm so long winded. Jeez.

[Scott Thomas]

So why not marry?

You get one shot at life, and happiness. Is this how you want to spend it, by not commiting to either the OM or your H?

[SugarHibiscus]

So why not marry?

You get one shot at life, and happiness. Is this how you want to spend it, by not committing to either the OM or your H?

 

My OM shares your view. He's all YOLO about it. In the end we're just chalk lines on the concrete. He's asked me to marry him a few times.

 

I don't have time to get into the particulars about why I'm staying with my H. (I've tried to articulate it in a different post.) It boils down to finances and children. My OM says he wants to support me and my kids financially though. That seems like a disaster waiting to happen and I'm already en broiled in one of those.