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Love addiction and being the OW?


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 24th January 2014, 2:16 PM   #1
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Love addiction and being the OW?

Quick poll... how many of you OW identify as love addicts?

I am certainly a love addict, and I believe my MM picked up on that that going into our A. Anyone who was 'normal' in their approach to intimacy would not accept this type of arrangement.
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Old 24th January 2014, 2:35 PM   #2
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I wouldn't say I was a love addict... I just found the one I was supposed to be with after I was already married, and him the same. I never thought I'd be the OW type, that I'd get a divorce, or that I'd not be 100% faithful in a marriage until just one day... I wasn't.
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Old 24th January 2014, 3:26 PM   #3
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I don't think I'm a love addict.


But won't rule out na´ve and ignorant at certain times that's for damn sure lol
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Old 24th January 2014, 3:33 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by Anne Boleyn View Post
I wouldn't say I was a love addict... I just found the one I was supposed to be with after I was already married, and him the same. I never thought I'd be the OW type, that I'd get a divorce, or that I'd not be 100% faithful in a marriage until just one day... I wasn't.
This sounds exactly like me. Not a love addict, but can't believe I found someone I should be with.

Anne - what finally made you get a divorce and how did you explain it to your husband?
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Old 24th January 2014, 4:00 PM   #5
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I'm certain I was/still am addicted. Whether it is a love addiction or one of the other addictions, I do not know. All I know is I die inside when we don't talk and I'm anxious and worried he won't care about me "tomorrow."

I have also NEVER allowed someone to treat me the way he does. Meaning, it's all about how he feels and what he wants, so I have told myself what I want and need doesn't matter as long as he will see me and even when I leave him and am feeling "empty." If not some sort of addict, then I'm some sort of "sick."
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Old 24th January 2014, 4:38 PM   #6
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Anne - what finally made you get a divorce and how did you explain it to your husband?
I was one of the very, very, very lucky ones. My marriage was not great and we had been drifting apart for awhile. In hindsight, seeing how things all ended up, I'm almost positive he was having an affair too. Not an excuse or justification, I certainly didn't suspect it at the time, but kind of shows you what was going on for us.

My D-Day came after I already had moved out and we were separated. It was because I needed space, which wasn't a lie. I didn't move out to be closer to the guy I was having an affair with, though truth be told, that was a side effect of living on my own (for better or for worse) and I knew it. Anyway, my husband said he wanted to meet me at the park, which I did, and he showed me some emails I'd sent the man I was having an affair with. He knew my passwords to my email (I use the same password for everything) and he went through it, he said because he was trying to keep tabs on me, but he found an email I'd sent to the other man when we'd started one of our NC periods.

I wasn't mad, and he wasn't either. I had that burning panicky feeling when I saw the emails, but after that split second, it was just... OK. He was hurt, I was hurt, but we both knew what we were hurting over, so there was kind of a common bond there that meant something. It sounds weird, but we'd had so little that meant anything for so long, that even something like this, to have that common ground again... It felt strangely good for both of us. But just a lot of relief. I don't think I even cried, I'm pretty sure he didn't.

I walked back to my house after that meeting and he sent me a text if I wanted to try and work it out... I said yes... Only because the man I was having the affair with (who had his D-Day months and months earlier, almost at the very start) had initiated a NC period and we were on a break... Whatever that means when you're in the midst of an affair neither want to give up, right? But anyway, I said yes to my husband about working it out. I didn't move back in with him, but we did have dates. He came down to my place for my birthday, flowers and cupcakes, and we watched "17 Again" on my couch where we sat like familiar strangers. He went home that night, nothing happened. Maybe a hug when he left. He'd come down for the Farmer's Markets, he'd buy food, we'd make it. But still, no real contact, no real talking, just a lot of getting-to-know-you's.

Last time I saw him was on our wedding anniversary... I drove down to the town he lived in (45 minutes away) and we had a nice dinner at a place that was in a round-about sort of way mildly significant at one point in our life together. We it was awkward at first, but then we shared some old memories, genuinely had fun... But in that way that we knew this wasn't the first step to fixing it and forever, it was the goodbye. And so, after we finished, we stood outside, gave a last hug, a last "I love you" and I walked to my car and he to his. And that was it.

My husband, he was a fighter, but he didn't fight too hard in this one. He knew the man I was having an affair with and I did it all but right in front of him. He wasn't surprised and he actually told me it made sense. He said he saw the click there between us. He wanted to know if he made me happy, and I think my honest answer ("I don't know... I think he could" as opposed to a gushy, indignant "he does") helped him. He even asked how we were going to work around the issue of his wife... My husband knew her too and he suspected that if the guy I was having an affair with left her, it'd be a train wreck. Which it was. We had one, mild blowup when I came home with the guy I was having an affair with as my husband was waiting for me in the parking lot to talk. My husband told him to go inside, he said no (my husband was a big guy, the guy I was cheating with was worried for me), but I told my husband to leave and the guy I was having an affair with to leave too. My husband left and never came back, the guy I was cheating with drove up and down the road a few times, parked far away, then walked through the woods to get to my house 30 minutes later.

So that was in October, then that spring, he started moving my stuff out of the house, to mine. Then mid-spring, he served me with divorce papers. I remember crying alone in my car, even today I'm not sure why... Maybe because I knew that safety net was gone, like really gone, and everything about everything depended on just me for the first time in my life (the man I was having an affair with was still dealing with his issues with his wife)... But I had my good cry, that was it. A few days later, I met my soon-to-be-ex at the same park where he showed me the emails he found, we walked to the town office, got our papers notarized, he sent them off and we were divorced about a week after he filed (no kids, no contest, worked out everything, waived our right to see a judge).

Like I said, really, really, really, really lucky with my D-Day. Almost nobody gets as lucky as I did. But it's only because we both knew the marriage was over, we just never told each other, and we were both just kind of... Resolved. It was the other shoe we had been waiting for. And for as "easy" as my D-Day and divorce was, the guy I was having an affair with had one much harder than most. Because I was with him and he wanted to be with me, I kind of went through his D-Day as well, and all that went with it. That was miserable... Not saying so out of pity or trying to co-opt his experience, more of me admitting that an aspect of two people leaving their spouses for each other means you have not just your D-Day to get through, but your partner's as well... If you're serious about making a go of it.

Last edited by Anne Boleyn; 24th January 2014 at 4:45 PM..
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Old 24th January 2014, 8:34 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by proseandpassion View Post
Quick poll... how many of you OW identify as love addicts?

I am certainly a love addict, and I believe my MM picked up on that that going into our A. Anyone who was 'normal' in their approach to intimacy would not accept this type of arrangement.
I think I am.
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Old 24th January 2014, 9:36 PM   #8
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Anne - thanks so much for your story. You were certainly lucky and I wish you all the happiness in the world. These situations are never easy, on both people, and I don't like it when the situations drag on and on and on. But that's another topic lol.

I'm glad it worked out for you
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Old 24th January 2014, 9:41 PM   #9
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Thank you, and I do know I was really, really lucky and my experience with my ex isn't typical. My husband now, the man I had the affair with, I think is more the norm. And the road was still crazy, hard, and full of despair and heartbreak. But I don't want to derail this thread. If you want to open another thread, just tag me in the title and I'll check in.

Take care.
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Old 24th January 2014, 10:09 PM   #10
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huh. No. I think I'm a glutton for punishment lol

I am, and have always adored my MM. We were best friends for years (premarriages) then stayed in loose touch, then in the darkest periods of my life during my second? Third? most impactful Dday with my STBX I fell for him and started an EA. So I guess to be honest I've always been kinda attached (addicted) to MM. For a couple decades.

Romantic or tragic? I guess that's all POV at this point.
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Old 25th January 2014, 8:30 AM   #11
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I think I am.
After I had a nasty break up with my ex MM, I was questioning myself a lot.
Then I found a very helpful book to read, "Addiction to Love, overcoming obsession and dependency in relationships" by Susan Peabody.
This book helped me a lot to brought back my confidence, and dignity.
And with my new MM now, the relationship is so much different.
I handled things so much better than before... and my MM is also such a loving and caring man.
Sometimes we, women, unconsciously become more clingy to our partner. Every now and then, we have to reminding ourselves about our dignity. Don't expect happiness from other person, happiness has to come from within.
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Old 25th January 2014, 8:51 AM   #12
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I think I am.
After I had a nasty break up with my ex MM, I was questioning myself a lot.
Then I found a very helpful book to read, "Addiction to Love, overcoming obsession and dependency in relationships" by Susan Peabody.
This book helped me a lot to brought back my confidence, and dignity.
And with my new MM now, the relationship is so much different.
I handled things so much better than before... and my MM is also such a loving and caring man.
Sometimes we, women, unconsciously become more clingy to our partner. Every now and then, we have to reminding ourselves about our dignity. Don't expect happiness from other person, happiness has to come from within.
After your nasty breakup with exMM did you have any trepidation or concern about getting into another OW/MM relationship?

It is hard for me to understand how one would put herself into such a painful situation, knowing how, frankly, awful it is to be with even a wonderful MM. The guilt. The time deprivation. The deceit. So much is so unpleasant. The first time a person gets into one of these it can happen so subtly but forever after it seems one would be on vigilant guard against it happening. Wasn't it a little scary to go into such a relationship after recovering from one?

Please understand I'm not trying to accuse you or make you feel bad. I'm just trying to understand what your thinking is in reentering another such relationship with eyes wide open.

Last edited by Speakingofwhich; 25th January 2014 at 8:53 AM.. Reason: clarity
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Old 25th January 2014, 9:15 AM   #13
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After your nasty breakup with exMM did you have any trepidation or concern about getting into another OW/MM relationship?

It is hard for me to understand how one would put herself into such a painful situation, knowing how, frankly, awful it is to be with even a wonderful MM. The guilt. The time deprivation. The deceit. So much is so unpleasant. The first time a person gets into one of these it can happen so subtly but forever after it seems one would be on vigilant guard against it happening. Wasn't it a little scary to go into such a relationship after recovering from one?

Please understand I'm not trying to accuse you or make you feel bad. I'm just trying to understand what your thinking is in reentering another such relationship with eyes wide open.
Actually, for me, I don't expect more than I can get from the affair. I did entering this relationship with my eyes wide open. Just to let you know, I have no intention to leave my marriage, so I don't expect him leave his also.
Each relationship is unique, and so does mine.
And you said about "painful situation", honestly I don't find my relationship is painful, even the one with my ex, the break up wasn't because of me wanted more from him.
I am not talking about affairs in general though, but for me, I feel happy with my relationship with my MM.
So I think, you shouldn't stereotype or generalize, every relationship (including affair) is different...
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Old 25th January 2014, 9:28 AM   #14
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Actually, for me, I don't expect more than I can get from the affair. I did entering this relationship with my eyes wide open. Just to let you know, I have no intention to leave my marriage, so I don't expect him leave his also.
Each relationship is unique, and so does mine.
And you said about "painful situation", honestly I don't find my relationship is painful, even the one with my ex, the break up wasn't because of me wanted more from him.
I am not talking about affairs in general though, but for me, I feel happy with my relationship with my MM.
So I think, you shouldn't stereotype or generalize, every relationship (including affair) is different...
Right, wasn't stereotyping, I realized something about you or your situation was different than what I experienced.

That's why I was asking you questions about it; to learn what was unique about you or your situation that would allow you to have another A after successfully getting out of one and how a person who either thinks and/or feels differently than I do, functions.

There is nothing troubling or negative for you about being married and having an A with someone else's H? No guilt about lying?

Last edited by Speakingofwhich; 25th January 2014 at 9:31 AM.. Reason: clarity
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Old 25th January 2014, 9:33 AM   #15
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I don't know about "love addiction" but I pretty sure believe that other women and men do have some sort of insecurities that make them think they are not worth more than being the third person in a relationship and getting only what's left from the person they love, rather than everything.
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