Complicated situation

[chameleongirl]

Hi everyone, I just discovered this website tonight and realized that this is just what I need right now. I've read some of the threads and discussions, noticing that there are a lot of others going through similar situations to mine. What's great to see is a lot of non-judgmental responses and support.

 

Ok, here's my story...

 

I'm a MOW that has been seeing a MM for almost 2 years. It began online and progressed from there. The first year was great. Lots of chatting, web cams, getting to know each other. Everything was upfront and straightforward: both of us M with families, not getting intimacy from our partners and needing/wanting to fill that void. Aside from being in an almost sexless marriage, I also have specific kinks and fantasies that were completely in sync with the MM (I won't go into detail here). Numerous chats that spanned over hours of discussion helped us understand one another's needs and wants, desires and fantasies.

 

In time we decided to meet, and from there the relationship progressed into a very intensely sexual one. Both online and offline, but mostly online and through cam. This was due to the nature of our busy lives and geographic distance (that most of our relationship was online). It was great. There was a lot of chemistry and fulfilling each other's fantasies, and we took it very far in what was a satisfying dom/sub relationship.

 

At times there would be breaks in our contact, mostly due to vacations, family events, work, etc. Maybe one week or sometimes up to two weeks, and often we would message each other, to let the other know. I found myself becoming addicted to each session, and the longer the gap, the harder it became to wait.

 

I knew he was interested in someone else, either an OW or MOW that worked closely with him. This is something I learned to accept and appreciated him being honest about it. I also had a brief tryst near the beginning of our "relationship", and later became plutonic friends with this person. Just as the MOW did, I also divulged my tryst. Everything seemed fine and we kept progressing, making plans to meet again in the future.

 

In the last message I received, the MOW was very eager and excited to plan things in the new year for us. I was too. We had talked it over many times, and he detailed, over many hours and sessions, different ideas and finding the best time(s) to meet. In my response, I gave him a few specific dates and times, which was something he expected, according to our last conversation...and then....

 

Nothing. No response, no emails, messages.

 

Sometimes it happens when his career is stressful and other things have happened in his life (personally) that have occupied his time. This I can totally understand, and I never expect rapid responses from him every time.

 

This time, however, seems different to me. It has been over two weeks now and NC from him whatsoever. In the past, he's even messaged me from work to let me know he'll be busy and unavailable...but this time...not even a "hi". Just complete radio silence.

 

I know this is a long story, and that inevitably, this relationship is doomed, but I have always accepted that reality and can handle it. It did seem like the nature of our A was fairly open, and that if and when there was something going on, we would let the other know about it. I'm just not sure what to think now...

 

I've checked out other sites, "places" he's been online where we've shared mutual chats and conversations...no activity...I've also sent him one more email tonight, just a quick "hello, I hope you're ok, missing you" message. Nothing yet...

 

I'm usually good at handling NSA relationships, having been involved with swingers, and having had safe, casual sex prior to my marriage. My emotions have always been well guarded and I was able to have fun without getting attached....until now.

 

The advice I'm looking for, as silly as it seems, is this: do I simply move on and forget him all together or try one more time to reach out? He has been respectful of boundaries, straight-forward with me and I am wishing that soon he'll reply with his usual messages....but at the same time, I don't want to hold my breath...

 

I did ask him if his interest in the OW would eventually lead to and stop our A, to which he replied no. He had known her for a very long time and wanted to keep both A's going...

 

This is all crazy and complicated...

 

I hate not knowing. Is he ok? Did something traumatic happen to him, or is he avoiding/dumping me for something or someone else...

 

In the meantime, I do want to cope and try moving on. I am thinking of waiting one more week, then sending a final message, wishing him all the best in life if he chooses not to contact me again...then going NC if that results in no response.

 

Any thoughts?

[Saba]

Morbid thought but I would probably check the obituaries.

[ForevaMC]

How much you know about him? I mean him as a real person, like where does he work, his home, home phone number, etc.

I think you should try to reach him there...

[Lady2163]

Morbid thought but I would probably check the obituaries.

 

I had the same thought.

[Realist3]

A more likely possibility is that he got busted.

 

They guy was juggling two affairs, that is a lot of room for error.

[whatatangledweb]

I agree with Realist. Sounds like he had a d-day.

[scatterd]

Maybe on vacation, working out of state, or a D-day. I would go on with my life.

[Scott Thomas]

There are numerous reasons that could explain his absence. On a further note, is there any chance your trysts might be discovered by your H?

[chameleongirl]

Thanks to all of you for your input and advice. Right now I'm keeping myself busy and trying not to dwell on all the possibilities.

 

How much you know about him? I mean him as a real person, like where does he work, his home, home phone number, etc.

I think you should try to reach him there...

 

What I do know of him is very limited, and for good reason. Both of us are with families and careers that would be devastated or at least damaged to a degree, should there be too much information floating around. There is possibly a way in which I could reach him, but there is no guarantee it would be successful and likely end in frustration. At this point, I see no benefit and it could seem as though I'm crossing the line.

 

We have even gone as far as using aliases. Crazy, but I think it's the best thing for keeping everything secret. The only downside, which I'm experiencing right now, is loss of contact and not knowing why. This was something I had considered, and now that has happened.

 

D-day - very possible. He did mention that he was almost "caught" a few times, one of those while we were on web cam.

 

The whole morbid idea of checking the obituaries - he is a risk taker and does a lot of sports, outdoor activities. I don't know how far he would go, but sadly I've thought of this...

 

Travel, working somewhere else - this has happened from time to time also, but usually there was a follow up message or he's mention it beforehand. This time, nothing.

 

The fact that he was having two affairs (myself included, that I know of, and maybe more?) combined with his love of risk taking can spell a lot of trouble. He was very energetic and exciting, a fun person to be around and converse/chat with.

 

I agree with moving on. This is what I'm working on right now. The grieving process (if that makes sense) has already begun, and I think it's healthy to look forward and move beyond this whole experience. If anything, he left me with some fantastic memories and good times.

[Scott Thomas]

If it's only a matter of time before your affair is discovered, why not take pre-emptive action?

You mentioned that your family will be destroyed. Well, we've got only one member to blame for that impending mess.

Some posters might suggest that you confess and work on your marriage? Is this an option, considering that there's a high chance you'll get discovered eventually? If no, then are there any specific reasons?

[Pastypop]

This guy is a player. When players are done with the relationship, they just disappear. They don't give explanations or say goodbyes. More than likely that's the case here. He is probably still on those sites but has created a different profile.

[Owl]

A more likely possibility is that he got busted.

 

They guy was juggling two affairs, that is a lot of room for error.

 

Agree with this. His wife caught on to his activities, and insisted he stop if he wanted to remain married to her.

 

So...he did.

 

Your best bet is to move on...focus instead on whatever improvements or changes you can make in your current marriage. If it can't be fixed, then is it worth keeping?

 

Your best bet would be to resolve that situation one way or another FIRST and FOREMOST...then, you'll either have an improved relationship that meets your needs, or the freedom to seek one that will without limitations.

[chameleongirl]

If it's only a matter of time before your affair is discovered, why not take pre-emptive action?

You mentioned that your family will be destroyed. Well, we've got only one member to blame for that impending mess.

Some posters might suggest that you confess and work on your marriage? Is this an option, considering that there's a high chance you'll get discovered eventually? If no, then are there any specific reasons?

 

I've tried working on my marriage, and my spouse and I do have a civilized/workable relationship. It is a sexless marriage. There is also a "don't ask/don't tell" approach to things in our relationship, which is best. It's hard to explain why, as there is a lot of history and reasons, but it's what works for us.

 

If I was up front about the affair, it would be like throwing it in his face, or at least this is how he would see it. I'd rather keep the peaceful relationship we have, work on our family, raising our family and my career. There are a lot of things I can improve on and work on to keep my mind off of the MM and move on.

 

Was the MM a player? Absolutely. Even if his wife found out, I get the impression (from what I've learned about him) that he would lie low for a while and then go back to his old tricks. He enjoys the conquest. He's a professional and likes to have control. It was this characteristic that I enjoyed in the dom/sub roleplays we did. Would I ever want a full relationship or marriage with him, if in some parallel universe it could happen? No, because it would not work. I'm a submissive in the bedroom, but not in my life.

 

The reason for staying in my marriage...it's complicated. I've weighed the pros and cons. There are many personal reasons that I won't get into here. I've tried counseling, talking with my spouse, etc. In the end, we decided to stick it out in a civil way. I know this isn't the best solution, but it works for now.

[chelsea2011]

I've tried working on my marriage, and my spouse and I do have a civilized/workable relationship. It is a sexless marriage. There is also a "don't ask/don't tell" approach to things in our relationship, which is best. It's hard to explain why, as there is a lot of history and reasons, but it's what works for us.

 

If I was up front about the affair, it would be like throwing it in his face, or at least this is how he would see it. I'd rather keep the peaceful relationship we have, work on our family, raising our family and my career. There are a lot of things I can improve on and work on to keep my mind off of the MM and move on.

 

Was the MM a player? Absolutely. Even if his wife found out, I get the impression (from what I've learned about him) that he would lie low for a while and then go back to his old tricks. He enjoys the conquest. He's a professional and likes to have control. It was this characteristic that I enjoyed in the dom/sub roleplays we did. Would I ever want a full relationship or marriage with him, if in some parallel universe it could happen? No, because it would not work. I'm a submissive in the bedroom, but not in my life.

 

The reason for staying in my marriage...it's complicated. I've weighed the pros and cons. There are many personal reasons that I won't get into here. I've tried counseling, talking with my spouse, etc. In the end, we decided to stick it out in a civil way. I know this isn't the best solution, but it works for now.

 

If that works for you thats good. And as long as you are above board with anyone you have an affair with - meaning they understand and you don't manipulate them in the beginning to get hooked - then enjoy.

[chameleongirl]

If that works for you thats good. And as long as you are above board with anyone you have an affair with - meaning they understand and you don't manipulate them in the beginning to get hooked - then enjoy.

 

You make a good point. I think being straight forward and realistic about the situation with the MM is important. We were both up front about being married with families. Looking back, the affair was probably drawn out longer than it should have been, for both of us. I am likely over-analyzing, but there was a point where we should have let it go...perhaps sooner....I suppose now is the time.

 

Right now I'm focusing on the future, and working through the "loss", if that's what it's called. This is how I see it: I didn't "lose" him because he was never really "mine", if that makes any sense. Everything we experienced was a bonus, outside of our regular lives. It is another one of life's lessons...