Love yourself and always put yourself first

[endingpage]

New to LS (silent reader for about half a year now) and have to give my huge thanks for all the insight from posters here. I have successfully gotten myself out of the OW position and wanted to share my story (pretty long, sorry) because it's rather cathartic, I'm proud of myself for doing it, I want to make sure I can stick to it, and I hope some other posters in the same position can see they can do it too. If I can do it, you can too!

 

I'm 28, recently started my residency (am in a pre-lim medicine year then off to do 3 years of anesthesiology residency) this past June. I am hardworking to a fault and, while I don't regret it because I matched into a great program and have a bright future and career ahead of me, my social life has been pretty dead all these years. I'm not anti-social; I have good friends that I enjoy being with but they're busy doing their own things and none of us are needy so I had time for myself. I'm also very introverted. Always had my head in the books. I've never had a boyfriend before, not even in high school or college. My parents taught me to do things myself instead of relying or depending on someone else. I was emotionally and financially independent. Sometimes I felt lonely and wished I had a boyfriend but those times were rare because I was always so busy and I quite enjoyed my own time and doing things on my own terms.

 

Then I started residency this past July. I had moved away from my family and was in a brand new place, brand new start. Had more breathing room and didn't feel like I had to study as much, so I had more time to go out. I got involved with another resident who was funny, kind, charming, handsome, and very married. The story is typical; we hit it off immediately as friends first since we have similar interests and then it eventually became an EA for another month, then it turned into a PA. He's been married for three years to another resident (who was doing her residency in the same state, but about 1 hr away). He told me he was very unhappy, that his wife had her own EA with her ex, etc, what I now know to be all the stuff from the cheaters manual. I knew it was 100% wrong and I knew I should have been smarter to resist but I didn't. I was all alone, in a tough residency, and very lonely. I liked how he made me feel and he would tell me things like, "You're funny, smart, and sexy" and all these other things and like a fool, I got high on all of it. I only think I'm funny because I know how to laugh at myself, smart is debatable, and I have never thought I was sexy... so to have this kind of external validation from a handsome guy was exhilarating.

 

At first, it was lots of fun. We texted each other all day everyday. I was finally going to dates for the first time in life, lots of eating out, going to the movies, we even spent a long weekend in Napa valley, which was when I lost my virginity. He was reluctant to take it but I was so in my fog at that point I didn't care. Sex was really fantastic. I think he loved that I was a blank page and willing to experiment and do stuff his wife probably never let him do.

 

Then I noticed he was starting to get lazy/pull away. I was initiating most of the texting, I was the one planning our dates, and I was the one waiting for him to call or to be available. He stood me up twice. I called him out on it and he just told me he forgot and that I should stop being so crazy about it. And there was another time where I cancelled plans with friends so I could wait for him to call... but he didn't, of course. I allowed myself to be a booty call. I realized I had become the girl that I had always told myself I would never ever be: the doormat!

 

I read so many posts on LS about OW that allow themselves to be the doormat and I empathize because I was in that same situation for 6 months, but now I read those posts and think, "Girl, get yourself out of there!" I highly recommend Sherry Argov's book "Why Men Love Bitches". Read it!! It's not exactly written for the OW, but I think most OW are guilty of a lot of what she mentioned in the book: being too available, being too forgiving, etc. I read the entire thing in one sitting and the one rule that resonated with me the most was the last one:

 

100. The most attractive quality of all is dignity.

 

I had thrown away all my dignity for this guy. My parents raised me better than this and they would be so disappointed to know I fell this far down and compromised everything they raised me to be for a married, unavailable guy who would treat his wife and me like this. I feel horrible for ever doing this to another woman.

 

I have been NC with him for about 3 weeks now and it has been absolute hell. I had a lot of firsts with this guy. I miss the closeness a lot. I regret getting into this kind of messed up situation, but on the other hand, it has been a good learning experience for me. I know what to do in my next relationship and I look forward to it because I no longer want to be alone, it will be a real relationship, with no hiding, and I'll never make myself this easy again.

 

I know I will see MM at work again (thank goodness we are not in the same programs, but we do work in the same hospital) and I have been preparing myself for it. I will be cordial and professional, but all my walls will be up. It will be hard. We are both very well-liked at work and known for being happy people. People know we are really good friends so it will be awkward if we act unfriendly or awkward around each other. But I'm not going to indulge him anymore. He knows the effect he has on me and if I'm honest, I do love him a lot and wish we just stayed great friends (we had a lot of fun together) instead of crossing that line, but I love myself more.

 

So! Love yourself and always put yourself first. Don't waste your love and life and time on someone who will put you second. Easier said than done, of course, but I am doing it and it was hard at first, but I feel so much better already. I don't need any more external validation from him because I have finally realized it in myself. I finally have my head on straight again and am back to be the happy, tough girl that my parents raised me to be, and I like who I am now. I have good family and friends who support me and enjoy being with me, that's all the validation I need.

 

Thank you for reading

Edited January 22, 2014 by endingpage

[Appreciate]

I'm sorry you lost your virginity to a man who used you, but I'm happy that you were finally smart enough to realize what it was all about. Take your lesson learned and never get involved with a married man again.

 

28 is pretty old to be losing one's virginity these days. What's the story behind that?

[awkward]

You are a really strong woman and your dignity remains in tact. It sounds like you have a very promising future. You really handled this in a good way and learned a valuable lesson that will be helpful to you in the future.

[awkward]

So! Love yourself and always put yourself first. Don't waste your love and life and time on someone who will put you second.

 

You do have to love yourself first. If you don't, why would anyone else.

 

When someone makes you an option, make them history.

[sunburned]

Congrats on learning a valuable lesson fairly early. I am a physician as well which goes to show you're never too educated or too smart to do something stupid. All that time with our heads in books ... Our hearts are in the clouds. I am glad you took back your power and your dignity and walked. Keep up the NC. Contact only fuels the fire, the feelings. Thank u for sharing your success story.

[chameleongirl]

Thanks for sharing your story. I had a very similar experience when I was 19. While working in an office as a temp, I was pursued by one of the managers. He told me he was single, and at the time I was unattached. Two weeks into a very sexually intense affair, he admits to being married with two kids. I was crushed.

 

What bothered me most wasn't that he was married, and while I didn't appreciate being lied to....I continued to see him. I let him use me as a doormat for whenever he wanted some action.

 

Eventually I did stand up to him and ended the affair. I'm sorry you had to go through this experience, but it will strengthen you in the long term. You seem very intelligent with a lot to look forward to. I wish you all the best!

[endingpage]

@ Appreciate,

I will never ever make the same mistake again! Never ever! I was so wrapped up in the whole situation because it was so new and exciting (in addition to it being an affair, it was the first time I had been with a guy like this so, I was all kinds of crazy this past six months). But I am smarter now and I would shoot myself in the face before I ever do something this stupid again. Also, I am a very shy and introverted person by nature; it is hard for me to trust people or get close to them. And I studied a lot back in the day. Kind of lame excuses, but I just really never had time for or interest in a relationship back then and I wasn't going to have no strings attached sex. I now know relationships (the real kind) can be an awesome thing and I look forward to meeting someone new and awesome and very single in the future.

 

 

@ awkward,

Thank you for your very kind comments! It has certainly been a rollercoaster of highs and lows but I have mostly felt like absolute crap for the last few months of it and I am glad I could get myself out of this mess. It was really hard. I love what you said about not letting someone make you an option. So true! I wish I were a stronger person in the beginning to never let myself get too deep but I really caved when it turned from an EA to a PA because it was all so new to me. I craved the highs. Now that I know how much heartbreak and emotional turmoil I had set myself up for, my resolve is steel. Never ever doing this again.

 

 

@ sunburned,

Hi! I know right, for all the book smarts we have, I can't believe I was foolish enough to get involved with a married man. I think I was in a very vulnerable position; had just moved away from family, in a new big city, intern year is tough, very lonely, and I clung to him like a lifeboat even though I knew he was bad for me and would let me drown. Never ever doing this again. I also never dated before so I am more socially awkward than most and didn't know what I was doing. Now I know the barebones breadcrumbs version of fake relationships, I can look forward to having a real one.

 

 

@ chameleongirl,

Thank you for your comments! I am brand new to relationships and wish this first one wasn't such a fake messed up one but on the other hand I am glad I made this stupid mistake early because real relationships can only be so much better after this. No more hiding and lies! And believe me, I pride myself of being fairly independent (I have traveled all around the world alone, financially independent since college, etc), but I really let this guy walk over me. I would cancel plans to be with him. Sex anytime he wanted it because I was so afraid of losing him. I knew I was being used and that I was becoming this person I didn't like, but I couldn't stop! I look back at that now and get so angry at myself. I hold onto that anger whenever I miss him and so far I have been doing well at maintaining the NC. No guy is worth my dignity. Thank you for your well wishes!

[endingpage]

Update:

 

So I ran into him at work a few times last week. It was all I could do to not hug him and talk like we used to... but I didn't! I was just cordial and polite and I knew he sensed I was different, that he no longer had any control over me. He knows I just went on a weekend trip with some friends and kept texting asking how it went and what did I do but I just ignored him. He then blew up my phone with a bunch of texts about "I thought we were friends", "Thanks for making me feel like ****", "You didn't use to be this mean", etc. The kicker is that he accused me of purposely making him think that I was seeing someone new and just enjoyed him wondering about it, because friends would tell each other everything! How could I destroy all that friendship?! /sarcasm

 

That has always bothered me about him, that stunning passive aggressiveness and ability to twist things around and make me look like the awful, uncaring, manipulative person. It is none of his business if I am seeing someone new, he just wants to make sure I haven't moved on that quickly.

 

I was so tempted to reply how dare he pull the friends card (please, he hasn't even treated me as a friend in months, just as a booty call) on me and to just leave me along and go focus on his wife, but I didn't and I hope he is even angrier at me. I eventually hope to get to a point of indifference where I no longer care what he thinks about me and when I can see him at work and feel nothing at all, no sadness or anger or hope. I admit that I felt a sick sense of satisfaction about the whole ordeal tho. Let him wonder! i am moving on. And I am doing pretty well on my process of healing!

 

And the best part is that I really have been seeing someone new (the weekend trip had nothing to do with it though), who is single, who makes me a priority, and who I get to do things with and not feel guilt or worry about getting caught. It is awesome!! And I never would have done it if I were still addicted to the breadcrumbs.

 

Will leave this quote about complacency:

"When you are used to having nothing, nothing becomes your everything, and you never really want for anything. But it is a double edged sword, because there's the danger of becoming complacent, becoming too happy with that nothing, because you've never known anything better. Complacency is the death of dreams, and freedom."

 

Complacency is poison. Don't settle because you DO deserve better!

[Popsicle]

Great opening post, and just remember, you're the only person who will look out for you.

[sunburned]

Great to read your update!

 

 

Sounds like a complete asshat. Good job standing your ground!

[endingpage]

Wow I messed up horribly!!!!

 

I've been doing well for almost two months now. Focusing on work, going out with my friends, and even seeing someone new. He has texted me breadcrumbs all in the vein of "Where are you? Are you alive?" and I have not replied to anything. He's even called a bunch of times, which he hasn't done since we first got together, and I let all of those go to voicemail or I would decline the call. He began to step up the texting and calling and messaging and emailing... I ignored everything. I was feeling good and strong. The last thing I told him two months ago was that I was tired of him treating me like crap and I didn't want to, and couldn't, be friends with him anymore.

 

That all came to a head when we were both on call on the same day at the hospital. We hadn't seen each other in two months. I tried to be cordial when we were discussing patients and otherwise tried to avoid him as much as I could. I hid in my call room for two hours! Which is pathetic! And throughout the day, he kept texting me that I was being mean for ignoring him.

 

Finally, he ended up cornering me in one of the workrooms and wouldn't let me leave, talked to me about how could I be so mean and just ignore him, that he was just trying to see how I was doing, because we were ~friends~ and all, I was stupid for saying that he didn't care, etc. The same blame shifting he always does. I felt so overwhelmed, I just started crying. Nooooooooo! I was so embarrassed..I wanted to show him I was strong enough to ignore him and get over him and clearly I'm not . I asked him why he couldn't just leave me alone, I had been doing so well in NC for two months.

 

I don't think he was at all prepared for me crying because then he started to backtrack and say he didn't know how to deal with all of it and he thought it would be better to make me mad at him than for me to be sad. That he never meant to hurt me, he didn't know how much I cared about him so much, he didn't think I would get hurt because I am such a strong person, etc. Except I'm not a strong person at all, I'm a weak person that let him walk all over me AGAIN! I didn't even know what to say back to him, just kept crying until finally I just pushed my way past him and ran into the girl's bathroom where I knew he definitely couldn't follow me.

 

I feel like I'm right back at square one because 1) now I know without a doubt that I never meant anything to him, 2) I am a weak fool who still hasn't gotten over him and me crying definitely showed him that too, and 3) I still can't stop crying and missing him.

 

I wish I could just hit the anger phase.

[whichwayisup]

You need to just tell him that you do not want to be friends and he MUST stop texting and emailing you, calling etc.. Ask him to please respect your wishes if he does care at all about you.

 

He is a manipulative and passive person, not worth having in your life. Don't think you're not strong, you are. It isn't normal to have to put up with someone constantly bombarding you like he has, it's pathetic of him to NOT leave you alone.

[Hope Shimmers]

First of all, you ARE strong. It resonates with every word in your first posts. I loved them!

 

This guy was a complete asshat who treated you like crap and hurt you. It is HARD to get over that. Don't beat yourself up!!!! Just keep going the way you have been before this, and forget about this last interaction with him. It doesn't matter what he thinks - he sounds like someone who doesn't care about anyone but himself anyway.

 

I'm sorry he hurt and used you. BTW, there are a few residents and physicians on this board who are/were OW which I find interesting. I am one as well. Sometimes I think it is even harder in that position because we are seen as too independent, self-sufficient, smart, whatever... to get in this position. But maybe the opposite is true, at least in my case. Hang in there and let this loser go - be glad you aren't his wife.

[Spark1111]

darling, the only way to get these manipulative passive-aggressives to back off is with fire!

 

You have a BF and it would be unfair to him if you continued to talk and entertain an X...SURELY, he can understand how disrespectful that would be to someone in his life.....like HIS WIFE????????!!!!!

 

You no longer wish to have anything but a professional relationship with him. IF HE TRULY CARES about YOUR FEELINGS, he must get this, no? back off BUD.

 

Throw the ball back into his court, into his conscience.

 

IF he still pursues, tries to manipulate with how mean YOU ARE, well, then, he is selfish, selfish, selfish....and does not give a rat's patootie about you and your feelings.

 

THEN you should get good and angry......and SLAM the locker room door on him.

[lollipopspot]

I tried to be cordial when we were discussing patients and otherwise tried to avoid him as much as I could. I hid in my call room for two hours! ...

 

I asked him why he couldn't just leave me alone, I had been doing so well in NC for two months.

 

If you really want to, here's how to get him to leave you alone: tell him that if he doesn't, and he goes beyond anything strictly professional, you'll tell his wife.

 

1) now I know without a doubt that I never meant anything to him,

 

What tells you this?

[endingpage]

Thank you for all of your replies; it really means a lot to me that you took the time to read and to give some advice. No one tells you affairs are so very isolating; have kept this totally bottled up inside and it feels good to just tell someone...

 

@ whichwayisup

That was the last thing I said to him two months ago, that we weren't friends, we had nothing else to talk about, and he shouldn't text/call/email me ever again. He continued to do all of that, even ramping it up, but I maintained NC that whole time until he just finally wore me down with the "let's stay friends" BS and then cornering me at work and godddd I am so mad at myself for letting him to this to me AGAIN! I will tell him again in clear terms and I hope I am strong enough to resist any of his efforts to suck me back in. Thank you for saying I am strong; I don't think I am but now I am even more determined to prove it to him, but mostly to myself! He won't do this to me again, I will not let him!!!!

 

@ Hope Shimmers

Thank you for saying I am strong; I wish I were! I will def try to be in the future! It is almost cruel how nonchalant he is about this whole thing and I don't think he realizes at all how much he hurt me. He KNOWS he meant a lot to me and that I adored him but he still blame shifted onto me until I just couldn't deal anymore and cried. I hardly ever cry and I am so embarrassed he saw that he still has this huge hold over me. And that is interesting, what you said about physicians being the OW. Yeah, no one ever tells you that despite being book smarts, you can be so stupid in love. I never even really had time to date in all my schooling. This was my first real "relationship", first kiss, the guy I lost my virginity to, the first time I ever felt butterflies. It REALLY SUCKS. But this is why I am having such a hard time letting go even though I also know he is toxic for me.

 

@ Spark1111

I always really enjoy reading your replies on these forums as I find them very direct, great advice, and full of empathy. Thank you for replying to me! Unfortuntely things with the other guy have cooled off somewhat as we are both busy and have decided to keep it mostly casual but I agree, I have told him before that we are NOT FRIENDS and we no longer have anything to talk about. He just kept pushing and pushing until I finally was so worn down that I did talk to him, only for him to continue to blameshift, make me cry, and then ignore me again. It is like he just wants to "win", to know that he still has me under his thumb. I absolutely hate that he still has this hold on me and that I keep letting him tear me down, over and over again. Hate it. I am trying to get to the anger stage... i really want to be there. But I still just feel very sad and very hurt by everything. He is a master passive aggressive manipulator, always has been even when things were "good".

 

@ lollipopspot

I have thus far tried to avoid making threats but if he continues to do this, maybe I will tell him that. I don't think I would ever tell her though. I know LS always says that the BS deserves to know and I hope she eventually finds out that her husband is a real piece of work, but I am too cowardly to ever tell her. She is an innocent person in all of this and I hate to hurt her more than I already have. As for your second question, it was just how flippant he was about the whole thing, telling me he never knew how much I cared about him and that this was just a "little thing" that got out of control. To his credit, he never future faked. But I know he could conpartmentalize me and that in the end, all I was good for was sex.

 

 

I am so very afraid of running into him at work again. So afraid. I don't know how I will react, will he try to talk to me again, what does he think about me now that he saw me cry, will he just be more hurtful to get me to "hate him instead of feeling sad", etc. I don't know. Just wish he would leave me alone. I was fine and recovering for two months! And now I feel even worse than ever.

[mimi53751]

Ending Page this thread has brought me life. I am SO SORRY you had to go through this with such a man! It's so crazy... you and I are so much alike, and sadly, share the same sad story. I too am a physician (graduated last year). I am 27 years old. My guy wasn't married... but was in a 2+ year committed relationship.. THAT I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT. He promised me a future, told me he was crazy about me, told me we were together... but just like your guy... he too became distant and unattached. And that's when everything unraveled into a mess :-(. The relationship lasted all but 5 months, but just like yours, I was on such a high and my feelings for him were deep. We clicked on so many levels and before my eyes POOF it was all gone. That was a year ago. It took me 6 months to stop crying... it was horrible. But like you, I know my WORTH. Once I realized my WORTH and that I was a beautiful woman, an intelligent woman, a woman of substance that any guy would die to have, I stopped crying over that assclown who I allowed to take my self-respect away. I have claimed it back! And I am stronger for that experience. I don't cry anymore... when I think of the experience sometimes it does sting, but it doesn't hurt because in reality I'm glad I didn't let it drag on for any longer than it did... if I had, who knows in what kind of emotional state I would have been in now!? I learned to never make a man a priority who only considers you an OPTION... or much less, TRASH! I walked away with dignity.

 

Remain strong, Ending Page. You will find yourself having bad days and good days. But use this as a learning experience... it will equip you well for your future. I know your heart is pure and your intentions were good... you will one day find a man that would do ANYTHING for your love and NEVER HURT YOU! And never knowingly enter a relationship with an attached man... 99.9% of those relationships end in disaster... just chalk it up to experience and walk away with your dignity... that's something he can never take from you. And I too am working in the same hospital with my "taken guy"... when I started in last July I couldn't bare to see him because knowing myself, I would have probably started crying or run away from him... which is actually what I did (sad to say) a few months last year. But now, I see him and don't even flinch. He isn't worth it. And I'm proud of that.

[endingpage]

I am really embarrassed at the contrast between my very first post and the most recent one. Have to get back to how strong I felt when I made that first post. Thankfully, we'll have geographic distance between us after June so it will make it easier for me. Time and distance!

 

@ mimi53751

I am also really sorry that my first "relationship" had to be this one (he was my first everything, basically). I hope he hasn't ruined me for further relationships because this was seriously traumatic. I really enjoyed reading your reply and you give me hope that I can get myself out of this funk. I've been out of it at work lately and people have been noticing... and given how hard I've worked to even get this far in my career, that's unacceptable! I will focus on myself and work and the things that make me happy :-).

 

I think that's enough time wasted on a man who never cared about me. Onward! I hope the next time I post an update here, I'm in a much better place. Thank you everyone for reading and for your replies; they mean more to me than you know.

[endingpage]

Welp.

 

I have not moved on as much as I would have liked but I felt myself getting there. A few setbacks with stupidly replying to some breadcrumb texts but I finally shut that down. Took me the better part of 2014, even after June when there was finally geographical distance between us.

 

But this was huge for me: a week ago I found out who my exmm's wife is. I didn't know her name or what she looked like before. But having a name and face helped me tremendously because now she was not just "the wife" but a person who is wicked smart and pretty. And she looks like a really kind person. Just really nailed in the realization that there was nothing wrong with her, he was just an insecure douche and I was the girl who fell for it. Never again though. We never had a d-day and she doesn't know but I find myself thinking about his wife more than him these days and just feeling horrible that I ever did this to someone I don't even know.

 

I feel myself falling back down the rabbit hole, not that I want to contact him ever again, but all those feelings of feeling insignificant, rotten inside, used, etc. And I know I am having an especially hard time because he was my first and I loved him, but I am sure I didn't mean too much to him since his wife is perfect and clearly a much better person that I am. The guilt and self hate are just crushing. I just wish I could forget we ever happened.

[Popsicle]

Forgive yourself, darling. And keep dating other men. It'll happen.

[Josmatjes]

You seem like such a nice girl. He should be ashamed for what he did to you.

 

You should block him from your phone and if he finds other ways to contact you....you must threaten him to tell his wife. They don't have kids yet so someone needs to let this woman know what a slime this man is! If you can't do it maybe send her a message or something but if she really is as sweet as you say then that means she is being screwed over too, just like you were.

 

You are doing so great and unfortunately learned a really harsh life lesson. I did also! But you can turn it around and use this to your advantage. You are stronger now!! You are wiser!!

 

Your posts are inspiring!! ?

[Broom]

Welp.

 

I have not moved on as much as I would have liked but I felt myself getting there. A few setbacks with stupidly replying to some breadcrumb texts but I finally shut that down. Took me the better part of 2014, even after June when there was finally geographical distance between us.

 

But this was huge for me: a week ago I found out who my exmm's wife is. I didn't know her name or what she looked like before. But having a name and face helped me tremendously because now she was not just "the wife" but a person who is wicked smart and pretty. And she looks like a really kind person. Just really nailed in the realization that there was nothing wrong with her, he was just an insecure douche and I was the girl who fell for it. Never again though. We never had a d-day and she doesn't know but I find myself thinking about his wife more than him these days and just feeling horrible that I ever did this to someone I don't even know.

 

I feel myself falling back down the rabbit hole, not that I want to contact him ever again, but all those feelings of feeling insignificant, rotten inside, used, etc. And I know I am having an especially hard time because he was my first and I loved him, but I am sure I didn't mean too much to him since his wife is perfect and clearly a much better person that I am. The guilt and self hate are just crushing. I just wish I could forget we ever happened.

 

These insecure guys do that. Despite having a beautiful wife, they feel unworthy and inadequate in that relationship. So this makes them seek EA/PA from others in order to feel more worthy and validated.

 

When you withdrew from him and cut it off abruptly, it was like rejection to him. His ego that you fluffed up over time was suddenly deflated back to 0 and he could not handle that. That's why he was texting/calling/trying so much.

 

He wanted only to get you back under his control because his ego was damaged that he had lost you from his sphere of influence. He never cared about you (only what you could do for him).

[Poppy47]

Congrats on learning a valuable lesson fairly early. I am a physician as well which goes to show you're never too educated or too smart to do something stupid. All that time with our heads in books ... Our hearts are in the clouds. I am glad you took back your power and your dignity and walked. Keep up the NC. Contact only fuels the fire, the feelings. Thank u for sharing your success story.

 

There are so many intelligent, well educated people on this forum.

 

Maybe we are so intent on being educated that our emotional intelligence doesn't develop and we become unbalanced as adults.

 

Just a thought,

 

Poppy.

[endingpage]

All of this was a crapton of painful lessons for me but the one I'm really thankful to learn is ... empathy.

 

I would like to think I know what empathy is (I am a physician so I hope I have some!), but now I think I really understand it now. I really believe it is one of the most important (maybe THE most important) qualities to cultivate and practice every day. Not just in relationships, but in friendships, at work, everything.

 

So that's what I'm trying to do and it's pretty great. For anyone who is still struggling, I highly recommend it. You know what it is and you already do it, but to mindfully practice it is pretty eye-opening.

 

I think about the BS and how she would feel if she knew and I know I don't ever want to hurt someone I don't even know like that. (I never comment but I read through the Infidelity board and the pain is so darn palpable, I never want to do that to someone or to experience it.)

 

And I don't want to be with my exMM anymore because I know I could never be with someone lacking empathy.

 

I'm rambling now but I just want to say, I see so much pain on this boards. I know what it was like. It took me a long time too but I'm seeing clearly now. You can do it too.

[Poppy47]

Don't ask him anything.

 

You need to tell him without a doubt that you don't want to hear from him or have any personal interaction with him again.

 

You have a wonderful career ahead of you. It could very well be ruined if a work colleague is involved with you. Don't risk what you have worked so hard for.

 

Forget the old "FRIENDS" crap... that means he can contact you whenever he wants. This man is not your friend at all . He just wanted to use you.

 

YES, look after yourself. How wonderful to be training for such great work.

 

Poppy.