2yrs of life invested for nothing. Where to go from here?

[drmrconfused]

Hello, I’ve been reading topics around here for some time and finally decided to ask for some reflection on my story. We’ve been together for more than 2 years. Working together both married, in 30s and without kids. At first it was affair but after about year we started talking seriously about leaving our partners and marrying. At the time we were in NC and I was offered job abroad. She broke NC and begged me to stay. In her words, they agreed to file papers in two months as her H had to leave for two months business trip. After lot of thinking I turned down job offer and gave her chance. During this period I grew apart from my BS and we contemplated divorce. Strangely, it was my MOW that insisted for me to wait with divorce until she does it. To some extent, this seemed ok with me. I am not very rich so I used this time to prepare financially for divorce. My MOW was familiar with every step and with all preparations that I am making. We also spent a lot of time together so she had no reason to doubt I have some feelings for my BS.

 

After her H returned I waited some 6-7 weeks for her to do something about divorce. Finally I asked her is she planning to do anything. After lot of tears she told me that she does not have strength. Crushed and in tears I walked away once again. For next three months we were NC, I continued preparing financially for divorce. I even handled divorce papers to my wife. She signed reluctantly. However, I was leaving for a business trip to China in three days so we agreed not to file until I return. At the same time MOW reappeared. She said that she made mistake due to fear. After hearing that I am heading for divorce she said that she will initiate her divorce while I am away and knowing my financial situation said that she could then contribute to solving of practical issues for our future life (e.g. I managed to save enough to buy small apartment for myself and she said that she will contribute with furniture etc). I showed her my signed divorce papers and told her all details of my plan.

Over next four weeks she was talking a lot about future but there was no mentioning of solving things. She did not file for divorce and could not explain why. Few days later, while I was still recovering from jet lag, she came to my office and told me that she gave him papers and he signed. Yet, when I asked she did not want to show me papers. She did show me a picture of these papers month later and there was signature on them but not the original document. Next weeks passed in my attempts to finally detach from her and her attempts to buy some more time by calling me and setting new deadlines for submission. When each of these dates would arrive she would just forget about it.

 

This lasted until New Year's Eve. We were together and she told me that her H is leaving again, this time for four months, and that she did not file her papers. It made me furious. I felt betrayed and said in calm voice that this cannot continue like this and that I am not her doormat. Her words were that she cannot live without me, that I am her soulmate and she loves me crazy. Yet, whenever I said that we have to sort this situation and file for divorce she would go silent or say “why cant you stop talking about it, don’t you see that it is counterproductive”.

 

Since then we only had one conversation initiated by me. She talked for few hours how she loves me and cant live without me. When I finally pressed her she asked why is it so important for me to file for divorce and said that she does not consider this as important issue. After hearing this I said goodbye and left.

 

I am so confused and don’t know what to think about all of this or where to go from here. She is scared person and part of me wonders whether she was reluctant to file for divorce waiting for me to do it first. Yet, she was all the time one asking me to wait for her to do it. She knows that I am not financially strong enough to leave my marriage at this moment alone and that I am working hard to be able to leave and I have provided her quite a few evidence over last year about what I am doing to leave my marriage. I am contemplating to file now even though she is not with me but I know that I will be in much better position in six months or so and if I leave now this could devastate me financially. She is familiar with this and she knows that only option for us to be together now was if we leave together.

 

I could use some oppinions here. Was this my fault? Could it be that she is saying how she wants to do it first but secretly hoped I would do it first or was this way to buy herself some more affair time? Where to go from here? Accept that it is over or try again?

[whichwayisup]

Seems your MW is happy enough staying married and having an affair. That's pretty much it. I do believe she does have strong feelings for you and is very attached to you but not enough to end her marriage and start a new life with you. It's easier to say and wish for it to happen but rarely do both affair partners follow through, it's usually one who balks and changes their mind (makes excuses).

 

Walking away is the best thing since she is having her cake and eating it too.

 

Glad at least you set your wife free so she can now find love with someone who will only love her... Though my fear for you is, you gave up on your marriage without trying to fix it, reconnect with your wife..That you may regret one day.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

This is certainly the opposite of what we see most times on these boards. She is not ready or willing to make the decision to leave her marriage. As sad and hard as it may be, you need to be the strong one and walk away. This is for your protection. I wish you well. My heart breaks for you.

[WordvAction]

Having her cake and eating it too. Drop her like a bad habit. She's going to always tug at your heart strings as long as you stay in touch with her

[blue963]

I guess she has proven that her words cannot be believed or trusted. Use this to make your decision.

[drmrconfused]

Grrrrr I am so angry now that I could bite...

 

I am trying to remove her from my life but I cannot block her completely as we work together. There is this project I am running and within it I am organising a workshop next week. The topic is completely unrelated to her. Out of her field of interest, expertise or whatsoever. And I intentionally set the date on Friday as I now that she is usually not in office on Fridays. But guess who registered for my workshop first. It is her. I am so so angry now. Why cant she just leave me alone? I do not initiate contact, I respect her decision to stay at home and avoid her completely. Why this? Why now if she decided to stay there? On the top of that, this morning I noticed that her signature on skype is something related to us.

 

I honestly dont know what to do. I can't tell her not to show up as it is corporate event but I am soooooooooo furious.

[Confuddled1983]

I wouldn't normally suggest playing games of any sorts but I would probably say I'm going to start dating as this clearly isn't progressing and see what her reaction is to that. the fear of losing you completely may jolt her to make a decision one way or the other. Good luck.

[Scott Thomas]

1) Do you 'want' her?

A. You could tell her H (anonymously)about the affair and ensure that the marriage ends.

However, I wouldn't recommend this option. I wouldn't go down this lane either.

 

2) Do you want an honest and caring woman in your life?

A. Go back to your wife or find someone else.

[drmrconfused]

1) Do you 'want' her?

A. You could tell her H (anonymously)about the affair and ensure that the marriage ends.

However, I wouldn't recommend this option. I wouldn't go down this lane either.

 

2) Do you want an honest and caring woman in your life?

A. Go back to your wife or find someone else.

 

No, I dont want her anymore. After two years and everything I did for her I finally opened my eyes and realised that this woman treated me as doormat and that I deserve more. I am angry because she obviously does not respect me and my explicit wish to leave me alone. I mean, come on, you don't want to be with me but you are trying to follow me around. Why?

[whatatangledweb]

She wants you and she wants to stay married to her husband. Do not speak to her in any way unless it is work related. Ignore her and walk away if she makes it personal. She will continue to tell you what she thinks you want to hear but will not follow through. If she continues to try to continue you. I would send her a last email and say if you contact me again , I will contact your husband. That should stop the contact.

[Speakingofwhich]

Grrrrr I am so angry now that I could bite...

 

I am trying to remove her from my life but I cannot block her completely as we work together. There is this project I am running and within it I am organising a workshop next week. The topic is completely unrelated to her. Out of her field of interest, expertise or whatsoever. And I intentionally set the date on Friday as I now that she is usually not in office on Fridays. But guess who registered for my workshop first. It is her. I am so so angry now. Why cant she just leave me alone? I do not initiate contact, I respect her decision to stay at home and avoid her completely. Why this? Why now if she decided to stay there? On the top of that, this morning I noticed that her signature on skype is something related to us.

 

I honestly dont know what to do. I can't tell her not to show up as it is corporate event but I am soooooooooo furious.

 

Angry=good place for you to be to be able to move on emotionally! Obviously, she's not ready to let you go.

[violet1]

Grrrrr I am so angry now that I could bite...

 

I am trying to remove her from my life but I cannot block her completely as we work together. There is this project I am running and within it I am organising a workshop next week. The topic is completely unrelated to her. Out of her field of interest, expertise or whatsoever. And I intentionally set the date on Friday as I now that she is usually not in office on Fridays. But guess who registered for my workshop first. It is her. I am so so angry now. Why cant she just leave me alone? I do not initiate contact, I respect her decision to stay at home and avoid her completely. Why this? Why now if she decided to stay there? On the top of that, this morning I noticed that her signature on skype is something related to us.

 

I honestly dont know what to do. I can't tell her not to show up as it is corporate event but I am soooooooooo furious.

She's trying to get you to fall back into the affair. She doesn't want a D, but she doesn't want to let you go either. She wants the best of both worlds. Don't let her have it. Do not discuss anything with her unless it's work related. If she tries to discuss personal things, be cold to her. I don't have a Skype account so I don't know how it works, but can you block her?

[violet1]

Here's another thing you can do that I just thought of. This isn't something I'd normally suggest btw. If she doesn't leave you alone tell her that you will tell her H everything. This might scare her away because she's obviously made it clear that D isn't in her plans.

[drmrconfused]

I am not sure if this is pathetic or hillarious. She saw me passing corridor yesterday. I did not say hi or anything but just passed. After this she started blowing my phone. At first there were messages such as "I love you", "I miss you", "I adore you", then she started sending links to songs such as "Without you" or "When I need you" and then another round of "I love you" texts. She also changed her skype picture into picture that has special meaning to both of us (and it is picture of the two of us)". This morning she started at 6.30 am with "I love you" and then few hours later "I need you".

 

I ignored it all and managed to maintain my NC. At first I was angry but now I feel sorry for her and see these actions as pathetic attempts to lure me back into affair. I mean, come on, this is woman in her 30s using some teenage tactics to provoke reaction from a guy and at the same time maintain control and dictate conditions. Some of you will say "why can't you just block her?". The thing is we work together and she writes on my corporate phone. I do not want to react in any way also as I believe that this is her intention, to get any kind of reaction, even if it is negative one. Guys, do you think that this is becoming a bit of psycho behaviour?

[Spark1111]

I am not sure if this is pathetic or hillarious. She saw me passing corridor yesterday. I did not say hi or anything but just passed. After this she started blowing my phone. At first there were messages such as "I love you", "I miss you", "I adore you", then she started sending links to songs such as "Without you" or "When I need you" and then another round of "I love you" texts. She also changed her skype picture into picture that has special meaning to both of us (and it is picture of the two of us)". This morning she started at 6.30 am with "I love you" and then few hours later "I need you".

 

I ignored it all and managed to maintain my NC. At first I was angry but now I feel sorry for her and see these actions as pathetic attempts to lure me back into affair. I mean, come on, this is woman in her 30s using some teenage tactics to provoke reaction from a guy and at the same time maintain control and dictate conditions. Some of you will say "why can't you just block her?". The thing is we work together and she writes on my corporate phone. I do not want to react in any way also as I believe that this is her intention, to get any kind of reaction, even if it is negative one. Guys, do you think that this is becoming a bit of psycho behaviour?

 

Yes. She doesn't love you enough to leave her marriage....she doesn't want the affair to end, and it seems to me, the closer you get to divorce, the more she ramps up her antics to keep you hooked.

 

Which means she doesn't want anyone else to have a go at you either.

 

How about this, whether you divorce or not: Tell her you are giving your marriage a full out try and no longer want ANY romantic overtures by her....ONLY work related convos and texts from this day forward.

 

Start talking of your wife using her name in the workplace. Start your training class with an anecdote about you and your wife.

 

DO NOT entertain any talk anymore of the two of you.....or you will still be in limbo two years from now.

[drmrconfused]

This is getting more and more weird. After all professions of love and failed attempts to break my NC she now switched to angry mode with 'how dare you' and similar texts. Where does this stop?

[Spark1111]

This is getting more and more weird. After all professions of love and failed attempts to break my NC she now switched to angry mode with 'how dare you' and similar texts. Where does this stop?

 

Ignore, ignore, ignore....

 

You are angry. You need to break up. break up, and ignore all these over the top dramatic ploys designed to get you to re-engage with her on her terms; secure husband at home with you and the affair drama on the side.

 

It stops when you stop responding, defending, counter-arguing....and falling for it all.

[proseandpassion]

This is getting more and more weird. After all professions of love and failed attempts to break my NC she now switched to angry mode with 'how dare you' and similar texts. Where does this stop?

 

sounds like a narcissistic fit after she's realized the seduction approach won't work and you're gone for good.

[whichwayisup]

I am not sure if this is pathetic or hillarious. She saw me passing corridor yesterday. I did not say hi or anything but just passed. After this she started blowing my phone. At first there were messages such as "I love you", "I miss you", "I adore you", then she started sending links to songs such as "Without you" or "When I need you" and then another round of "I love you" texts. She also changed her skype picture into picture that has special meaning to both of us (and it is picture of the two of us)". This morning she started at 6.30 am with "I love you" and then few hours later "I need you".

 

I ignored it all and managed to maintain my NC. At first I was angry but now I feel sorry for her and see these actions as pathetic attempts to lure me back into affair. I mean, come on, this is woman in her 30s using some teenage tactics to provoke reaction from a guy and at the same time maintain control and dictate conditions. Some of you will say "why can't you just block her?". The thing is we work together and she writes on my corporate phone. I do not want to react in any way also as I believe that this is her intention, to get any kind of reaction, even if it is negative one. Guys, do you think that this is becoming a bit of psycho behaviour?

 

Yes she wants to know that you are still "into her", she is/was looking for you to stroke her ego. This is NOT love at all. Not even genuine care, this is all about her and how you make her feel, a crush/addictive feelings that are felt during an A. Good for you for ignoring her! Keep going! NC NC NC!

[whichwayisup]

This is getting more and more weird. After all professions of love and failed attempts to break my NC she now switched to angry mode with 'how dare you' and similar texts. Where does this stop?

 

Next from her is, "an emergency" she needs you - A health crisis or an emotional one and she will be asking for a shoulder.

 

She is trying to get a reaction out of you, whether it's a positive one or a negative one, she wants it. She can't stand that you're ignoring her and the silence is making her lose control the situation.

 

Just keep on with the silence. Sooner or later she will realize she's making a fool of herself.

[drmrconfused]

Next from her is, "an emergency" she needs you - A health crisis or an emotional one and she will be asking for a shoulder.

 

She is trying to get a reaction out of you, whether it's a positive one or a negative one, she wants it. She can't stand that you're ignoring her and the silence is making her lose control the situation.

 

Just keep on with the silence. Sooner or later she will realize she's making a fool of herself.

 

Actually, now that you mention, this happened during one of our earlier breakups. I left and ignored her attempts for few weeks. Then she started with e-mails how she has serious health problem. I caved in that time.

[whatatangledweb]

Can you put an app on your phone so you can block her number? A good one is Mr. Number. Can you go to your HR department? You have to continue to ignore her. She sounds obsessed. I would have to out the affair to her husband now.

[Spark1111]

Actually, now that you mention, this happened during one of our earlier breakups. I left and ignored her attempts for few weeks. Then she started with e-mails how she has serious health problem. I caved in that time.

 

There you go. WWIU is so wise.....

 

The damsel in distress emergency will come next. Prepare for it....and plan to ignore it.

[Wambo]

This is getting more and more weird. After all professions of love and failed attempts to break my NC she now switched to angry mode with 'how dare you' and similar texts. Where does this stop?

 

 

Why would she stop? You need to remember you are dealing with a woman who thinks it's acceptable to be unfaithful to her husband and string you along. She wants things back to the way it were and she will be testing you from time to time. As long both of you work in the same environment, she can wait and strike at anytime.

[drmrconfused]

UPDATE

 

Last Friday she showed up at my workshop. At the same time her sister was giving birth and her friends were commenting how she is crazy for coming to my workshop in such a moment. During sessions she stared at me but I just ignored it. Then the message came "do you have a moment" which I also ignored. During lunch break she came to my office and said "I know I did lot of wrong and hurt you in the past. I will accept if you say it is too late. I am sorry and want to make it right, if you still want me I will file for divorce first thing next Tuesday (Monday was holiday in our city and courts were closed).

 

At the moment I did not buy it and just said that I do not trust her and that it is just one of her games. She just said "I cannot run away from you or from myself anymore. I will show you that this time I mean business". This morning she shows up in my office telling me she is on her way to court. I still did not believe any of it. Hour ago she returned with court stamp on her divorce papers. She filed for divorce.

 

I am surprised and don't know what to think. I gave up on her after this last break up. Part of me feels that this is some kind of game. Her H is away until April and hearing can take place earliest in April. She wants me and tells me if I want her to file for my divorce whenever I am ready and that she will wait for me. And I want her and want to be with her. It's just I am not sure whether I should leave her to finalise divorce and then start fresh or be with her from this moment?