LeftAlone83 Posted January 11, 2014 Share Posted January 11, 2014 Hello LS, I am currently 2 days after my D-day with my MM, which ended a very passionate A after a little over a year. I'm preparing to move back home, which is clear across the country knowing that I am weak, and would have a hard time fighting the temptation to see him again if I lived within the vicinity of him. (I would make the 1 hour commute to visit him near his home) My question is.. is it possible to have a friendship after such a passionate A? We agreed to having NC for a while, until we can both heal, which I overstepped this morning by sending an email for additional closure. (Our last conversation was very angry and emotional due to my coming clean to friends I've directly lied to about the A, and I wanted to say my parting words now that I wasn't so hurt, angry, and distraught.) Is there enough time that can pass where we would be able to speak to one another again if I was not accessible physically?? I feel we were able to build a friendship throughout the time we were lovers, and I would like to resurrect that when we're both able and healthy. Is this a rational want.. or just not a good idea at all??? Has anyone been able to successfully be platonic friends down the line without crossing the line again?? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 11, 2014 Share Posted January 11, 2014 Nope. All it will be is a passionate emotional affair. You won't get over him. Your heart and your feelings will still be fed, preventing you from letting go, grieving him and finding a new love. NO man could ever be in your heart as long as exMM is in your life. Also, it would still be a secret and hidden from his wife. Your friendship (aka emotional affair) threatens his marriage as well. No good could come of this as it's just selfish of both you and him to even consider keeping in touch and having a friendship. Imagine you being married and your husband cheated on you - Would you allow him and be happy, give him your blessing to continue a 'friendship' with his ex affair partner? My guess is no. You may always love him and you'll miss what you two once shared. He isn't yours to have, even as a friend. Because of the affair... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LeftAlone83 Posted January 11, 2014 Author Share Posted January 11, 2014 I completely understand where you're coming from.. and maybe it's because it's still so freshly new for me and my MM to be done with our A.. but I can't help but fear that I'm going to think about, and want him for a very long time with or without friendly contact. I'm certainly not saying that we should message each other all day, every day like we did while in the A.. but something to let one another know that the other is doing all right.. seems like it would help with the blow of the way it had to end, and the fact that we don't belong to each other. Link to post Share on other sites
wanting more Posted January 11, 2014 Share Posted January 11, 2014 I don't think you can. An A is so different than a normal relationship. Aside from a few examples, As end ugly. Not good. Mixed emotions. Hurt. Longing. What ifs. I think if there is any kind of contact, it keeps things alive. The good feelings or the bad. I don't think it's a good thing to try and hold on to something that wasn't meant to be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 11, 2014 Share Posted January 11, 2014 I completely understand where you're coming from.. and maybe it's because it's still so freshly new for me and my MM to be done with our A.. but I can't help but fear that I'm going to think about, and want him for a very long time with or without friendly contact. I'm certainly not saying that we should message each other all day, every day like we did while in the A.. but something to let one another know that the other is doing all right.. seems like it would help with the blow of the way it had to end, and the fact that we don't belong to each other. The bigger picture? You're better off detaching and going NC. Any contact will still feed your feelings. Ask any OW on here how hard it is.. I get you're scared of the pain of letting go, never hearing from him again but if he really is going to stay married, any contact with you two is not fair to his wife. If he promises his wife no contact forever, then that's how it has to be..Even though it'll hurt and be hard, it's something that has to be done. Right now you can't think that far ahead, but in a year from now you may not want to hear from him after healing and feeling better. Your A is over and he won't be in your life anymore, really best to try to focus on other people in your life and find 'you' again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LeftAlone83 Posted January 11, 2014 Author Share Posted January 11, 2014 You'll have to forgive my misinformation.. I am new to the forums and the jargon of LS. I thought that "D-Day" was an indication of when the affair broke up, not that the BS had discovered or found out about the A. His wife is still unaware that anything ever happened between me and MM. Does that make being friends when we are so far apart a possibility in the future.. or is there no chance whatsoever for us to ever communicate on a friendly level?? The idea of losing him completely from my life forever seems to break my heart all over again.. Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted January 11, 2014 Share Posted January 11, 2014 The truth is that you risk having your heart broken over and over and over again if you try to remain friends. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 11, 2014 Share Posted January 11, 2014 D-Day means discovery day of the affair by the BS. My advice still stands. Any friendship is damaging to you and will prevent you from moving on. Affairs are not like regular relationships, people tend to habour feelings for a long time, sometimes forever because of the fantasy and addictiveness of the feelings felt. This is why for your own sake, NC is best. It's your life, you can try to be friends but it won't be easy nor you will let any man close to you as long as exMM is still in your life. NC is for you to heal, grieve the loss and move on. Not a way to punish him or hope some day you two can be friends again. doesn't matter if his wife knows or not, the friendship is still hidden and a secret, a self serving one.. hope this makes sense. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted January 11, 2014 Share Posted January 11, 2014 Agree with what other posters are saying, no friendship after the A. For the sake of you, him, his W and the man you'll one day meet and be with forever! I wouldn't want to bring a new man into my life while still communicating with an exMM. Not fair, not healthy! Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted January 11, 2014 Share Posted January 11, 2014 (edited) Hello LS, I am currently 2 days after my D-day with my MM, which ended a very passionate A after a little over a year. I'm preparing to move back home, which is clear across the country knowing that I am weak, and would have a hard time fighting the temptation to see him again if I lived within the vicinity of him. (I would make the 1 hour commute to visit him near his home) My question is.. is it possible to have a friendship after such a passionate A? We agreed to having NC for a while, until we can both heal, which I overstepped this morning by sending an email for additional closure. (Our last conversation was very angry and emotional due to my coming clean to friends I've directly lied to about the A, and I wanted to say my parting words now that I wasn't so hurt, angry, and distraught.) Is there enough time that can pass where we would be able to speak to one another again if I was not accessible physically?? I feel we were able to build a friendship throughout the time we were lovers, and I would like to resurrect that when we're both able and healthy. Is this a rational want.. or just not a good idea at all??? Has anyone been able to successfully be platonic friends down the line without crossing the line again?? Does he plan to stay married? If so, I do not think it is wise or healthy for him or you to be friends with each other. Unfortunately, when you cross the line you most times cannot uncross it and go back to how things were. Although I guess you weren't friends before but developed a friendship during the A as it is in most Rs. The friendship we develop in romantic relationships often cannot be divorced from the relationship, and usually when one ends so does the other. The good thing is that with time your perspective may change. You should focus on healing and worry about friendship later, reason being is that 9/10 times when you're healed and a lot of time has passed you aren't as concerned about being friends as you were 2 days post the end. Almost everyone wants to remain "friends" with their ex in the beginning, it's like a reflex almost. But most people get over that desire with NC and when time passes. This is regular breakups though, for affair partners, unless they divorce or are no longer with who they were cheating with you on, then it's just very inappropriate for them to try to rekindle a "friendship" with their former AP. Focus on healing, the rest will work itself out out. Edited January 11, 2014 by MissBee 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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