gettingstrong Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 Hello... I have been subscribed for a time and reading other people's situations has helped put mine in perspective. I now need advice and/or talking off the ledge. It's taken me a long time to decide to post. I keep waffling, but I am at the end of my rope. I will try and be brief. I am single, wasn't when we started. Was in the process of breaking a long term R (not married). Not because of the A, the break had been in the works for some time. Had to save money and get my affairs in order. Me and MM met through working in the same industry. Several years of knowing each other. Then had to work closely on a job and BOOM... nothing has been the same. It's not the typical A. He spends 4 to 6 days/nights with me. He is at my home more than his. We have weathered hard times together. He has gone to counseling. He has been supportive of me when I have needed him. He has been demonstrative of his affection, in front of people he knows with me. We travel together. Several of his friends, my friends and our collegues know about us. Many have said that they have never seen him smile more, be less stressed, be as happy as he is with me. Many have said that they cannot wait for us to be together. He has told me that the W has an idea that there is someone else, but he has protected me from her. When his W shows up or says she is, he gets stressed, mad, sad. Then she doesn't show at all, or if she does, she gets a little out of control and her behavior becomes really bad. I have witnessed her putting their child in the middle. Making the child responsible for comunicating the household and the childs needs. He has left job sites, just so he won't see or be around the W. I have witnessed this before and during our A. I am not friends with the W. When she does touch base with him, he gets depressed and can't shake it for a time. He has never not once, not kept up his financial and daily responsibilities. He pays all the bills, does the maintenance around their house. He wishes he never got married. But the fact is, he is. And as bad as all that sounds, he still hasn't pulled the trigger and separated/divorced. Which brings me to last week. He called and said he was going home. He then said when he comes back to me, tomorrow it will be for good. He said he is telling his wife. He is just scared of her reaction and the fall out, and his reaction when she goes out with someone else. but he knows he cannot have the two of us and wants a life with me. He has texted me. He has called. He is terrified that her vindictive nature may come out and what that will do to him and in relation to us. He has admitted he is a coward. He did not made the break. His W pulled another guilt trip on him. You don't spend enough time with your child. What she is forgetting is that the only time she wants him to spend time is when she leaves the house or wants something. She doesn't schedule, she blindsides him. Or the kid contacts him and says I am doing this, can you come get me? That is sad...Don't get me wrong. He can spend as much time with his kid as he wants. I have more often than not, encouraged it. What I don't understand is why, after the the child goes to bed and the W comes home does he stay? Why can't he schedule times, so I am not blindsided? He gets upset when I make plans with friends. I have told him, you have a family. I do not. My friends for the last 20+ years are my family here in this city. What do you want me to do, sit at home and wait on you? Why can't he grow a pair and tell the W, Hey, I will pick xxx up from school on these days and take xxx to practice on this day. Then when it's done, he comes back. I don't understand why it's so hard? He works in an industry where the entire job is planning how people need to come together. We talked all day and it was a normal day, until 4:30, I got an email that he was taking his child to a sports practice and he would call me later and tell me whats up. When he did call, I was out with friends, he got upset, I calmed him down. He even said, I knew about the practice... I asked if he was coming to meet me, he said, What do you want me to do, bring my child? I was confused and asked if he was staying at his house and he said yes that his W wasn't there. She wanted to go out. She knew that would make him crazy. I know she has to work today. Then I get a text later that just said OK. I texted him back that I was almost home. No response. Called, no answer. Called 2x this morning, no answer. Is this NC? DDay? I'm so confused. I am not contacting him again. As I type, I'm saying this in my head like a mantra. We shall see if it works. He has always told me to call him, text him, whenever I need or want to. I never initiate when he is with his other life. Just out of respect. I know that seems hypocritical as I am sleeping with a married man but hey, you have to stand somewhere and that's my stand. Please, don't judge. However, if he initiates, I respond. I do love him. It's borderline obsessive. I think about him constantly. All I want to do is take care of him and give him the love he hasn't had for years. He said he felt like a dying plant and I came into his life and he started to flourish. And he has. He has gained weight, he smiles and laughs with his guys. He has started writing music again. His business has picked up. We plan our future together as one. I dream of him when we aren't together and he dreams of me. We have had the same dream on the same nights, when we were in two separate places. I'm scared and an emotionasl wreck, but realistically I know that he can go back to his other life anytime as he is not committed to me and that is the chance I chose. I know I will be OK without him. But that doesn't stop me from being terrified that I will never see him again and all our dreams will go away and I will be starting over... So not brief, but out there. Just need to know/appreciate any advice if you have been in similar and how you dealt with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Snipercatt Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 I know that he can go back to his other life anytime Gently - He hasn't left. He hasn't. That is your reality. He isn't the babysitter of his own child. He is their father. Fathers and mothers do things with their children simutaneously. If he stays on after the mother comes home, so be it. As you have described the situation, and his personality, it doesn't sound like he is going to leave his M. You must direct your attention to other things besides this relationship. It is like a leaky bucket and you think that if you keep filling it up that it will, someday, hold a full amount. All the while the bucket is leaking like a sieve. Fill you life with your interests and your friends. Don't worry what he thinks about it, he isn't in a position to provide you an alternative. Whether the two of you ever get together, or not, you need to have a strong support system and varied interests. Pursue them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author gettingstrong Posted January 10, 2014 Author Share Posted January 10, 2014 Thank you. Everything you have said I know, deep down. Even though it hurts to hear, I appreciate it. It's so hard facing the reality. So freaking hard Link to post Share on other sites
blue963 Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 Honestly it sounds like he truly loves you and does intend to be with you. Kids are difficult sometimes because there is alot to do regarding them. (I have 4...so I know). Trust that this will work out. It doesn't sound like he wants to go back to his marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cozycottagelg Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 It isn't fair for him to be upset when you are with your friends. You have a life too. How is he with you so many nights? Where does his wife think he is? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 There are only two reasons why people will change their actions/behaviors. To get something that they want, or to get away from something that they don't like. In his case, he's got both combined reasons, and yet they're still not strong enough for him to change his actions. That tells you a lot. He's not going to change. He's going to stay right where he's at, doing what he's doing, for as long as he can...until someone else changes. In light of that...it's up to you. Do YOU continue on the way things are...or do you change YOUR behaviors? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Snipercatt Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 Honestly it sounds like he truly loves you and does intend to be with you. Here's a fact. It doesn't matter what something sounds like. It doesn't even matter what a person intends. It matters what a person does. Cut through the white noise of words and focus on what a person is doing - that is where the truth lies. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 The guy is afraid of change, he's passive and a coward, all of which you know. You won't like this but my advice to you, as hard as it's going to be, give it some thought -- End it and walk away. Tell him you love him and want a life with him but until he divorces and has been on his own for a while, then you'll date him in the proper way. He can't and shouldn't end his marriage, blow up his family unit and then immediately move in with you and try to start a new life with you. That's so unhealthy and will do more damage all around. He isn't leaving, he's comfortable and used to how things are right now. Also, you may think you know all about his marriage, making his wife out to be the bad guy all the time but you've only seen snippets here and there, you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors and how things are between them. He shouldn't be putting all this on his wife, and neither should you. You can't see his flaws like she can though I do hope your eyes are open enough to see that there is another side of this. Actually three. His side, her side and the truth. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 Here's a fact. It doesn't matter what something sounds like. It doesn't even matter what a person intends. It matters what a person does. Cut through the white noise of words and focus on what a person is doing - that is where the truth lies. While I agree with you, there are some people, myself included, who don't act until they have thoroughly processed the idea of whatever it is they plan to do. And they are the only ones who know when the time of process is mature and needs to be acted on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Snipercatt Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 Yes, you're right, we agree. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gettingstrong Posted January 10, 2014 Author Share Posted January 10, 2014 "How is he with you so many nights? Where does his wife think he is?" They have started the separation process. She hasn't asked and he hasn't said. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 Here's a fact. It doesn't matter what something sounds like. It doesn't even matter what a person intends. It matters what a person does. Cut through the white noise of words and focus on what a person is doing - that is where the truth lies. Period and point blank really. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author gettingstrong Posted January 10, 2014 Author Share Posted January 10, 2014 Thank you all for all the advice and replies! It is helping to clear my mind. I don't feel as though I am in the middle of a panic attack. He has tried to contact me and so far, I have ignored it. When we talk it will be on my terms, when I want and how I want to. I need to process and "go through the noise" as someone so succintly put it. Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 My heart broke for you reading your story. Accept him for who he is. If he said he's a coward, he is. I haven't read of one single story, mine included where the man said that and he magically transformed and fought to be with the OW. You might get him if the w doesn't want him, but do you want that? He'd go back to her wiggling bid tail any chance he'd get. Sleeping at their house equals sex and talks about their R. Make your plans accordingly. He also sounds like a possesive guy. Red flag. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 It sounds like he & his wife have been doing a dysfunctional dance for a long time. That dynamic can be a very powerful bond. You want him to see how much better his life could be. He stays nights at your house. He knows your friends. He spends more time & your house than his. He is fully aware of what you have to offer him, and yet he still goes back home. Did you ask him what he discussed in counseling? My take is that whatever dynamic he has going on with his wife- even though it may be unhealthy for him, even though it may stress him out, even though he says he hates it- meets a need for him in some way. Some of the strongest attachments are the most unhealthy. So if I were you, I would look at his actual character and decide if this is someone you really want to be with. This affair could be all about them & their dyfunction, and not really about the bond between you & him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author gettingstrong Posted January 13, 2014 Author Share Posted January 13, 2014 So far, things are better. I'm getting better. Went out with friends over the weekend. I refuse to sit around and wonder. Strong words today. Just taking it one day at a time. He knows what he needs to do and so do I. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author gettingstrong Posted January 21, 2014 Author Share Posted January 21, 2014 I broke NC. We talked. Someone on my previous post said something about a person processing something completely before taking action. He is that type of person. He is taking steps to completely separate. He is moving items from his house and putting them into storage. He is not moving them into my home. He knows he needs his own space for a while. I feel like I need to give it another chance. He is so much farther along than he was even 6 months ago. I feel if I dont, I will always wonder what may have been. Has anyone else been through this? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 I just read your other thread. You're still bordering on obsessive. You have to stop comparing what you're going through, to what he's experiencing. You guys are like ham and eggs. Ham comes from the pig. Eggs come from the chicken. The chicken is contributing. The Pig - is committed. He's the chicken, in case you hadn't figured that one out..... He could care less what you're doing, because he has everything he wants, to fall back on if needs be. you? Quit focussing on him, and turn your attention on to yourself. And leave it there. Without exception. Time this "Pig" committed to herself, and herself only. (And the term 'pig' is by no means meant pejoratively, in any way.) Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 I agree with Tara's post, except for the 'he doesn't care what you're doing' part. But really, you should focus on yourself. Make sure you are healthy and happy so that you will be okay no matter what he decides. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 He doesn't care enough to 'connect'. Any man like him, in his position has what I would term a selfish streak. When a man takes a lover and treats her this way, that's the only way to descrie him. (Of course, the same could be said of a Mwoman taking a lover; but I'm focussing on the specific genders involved here.....) Link to post Share on other sites
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