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What was your breaking point?


happy stillmore

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happy stillmore

Reading another thread made me think of what led me to end my relationship with xMM. I am curious to what led to others ending their relationships too. I copied and pasted from another of my posts the following situation:

 

My breaking point was actually minor but it was the straw the broke the camel's back. Hearing about MM doing errands with his W. It was the spring, they were getting gardening stuff which was always something we always talked about. Having our own garden behind our house (a.k.a future faking). They were acting like a married couple (duh, I know they are married), not as two people who were knowingly separating as he presented to me. His actions were not supporting his words. I just didn't see our future as a reality.

 

I sometimes wonder if xMM even understand why I got fed up. After hearing about them grocery shopping and buying stuff for the garden, I realized that he wasn't making an effort to leave. He was acting like the happy husband. After several texts, I finally snapped and said I guess we weren't meant to be. I also said now he can do whatever he wants with his wife and I won't get annoyed. It was at this moment I realized he was playing both sides. In my mind, I thought he was miserable and depressed at home. When I look back, I find irony that something this minor ticked me off while there were other things that made me feel worse and I put up with. This moment was when I knew I had to end the charade.

 

Was there one event that led to your breaking point?

Edited by happy stillmore
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My breaking pint was a sequence of events....about 3 weeks ago he mentioned a family trip they have planned for march..that's 3 months from now and would mark 1yr of our A. That was an eye opener to me. I knew I couldn't continue like this for another 3 months. Then, the whole hotel thing...then the messages I saw to his ex OW pushed me over the edge...they were that proverbial straw.

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Hmmm well to start with he told me that he had changed his mind and decided to stay because of his moral and spiritual beliefs (which I guess finally kicked in after 3 1/2 years :sick:) BUT he was still okay with continuing the A.

I ended it.

Then he decided he could continue to reach out to me and tell me about his future endeavors with his work, his wife, his life and seemed quite happy (laughing at times) to do so, while I was dying inside, starving myself , feeling broken, sick and hurting like hell!!

The last time he called and I heard him giggle, I flipped my lid, told him I'm DONE, DONE, DONE, don't call, don't text, don't breathe............The End.

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happy stillmore

It is interesting how MM talk of their undying love for you and the great future ahead. Then when forced with reality, they suddenly remember the promises they made. My MM said "I promised to take care of my wife and my girls." Meanwhile, his wife is the breadwinner and his girls are adults. Grrr.

 

I couldn't stand the talk of future family vacations. That was another thing that led to my breaking point. Summer was coming and I knew his wife would want to go on a vacation. It was too hard for me.

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It is interesting how MM talk of their undying love for you and the great future ahead. Then when forced with reality, they suddenly remember the promises they made. My MM said "I promised to take care of my wife and my girls." Meanwhile, his wife is the breadwinner and his girls are adults. Grrr.

 

it's so true.

 

the married man who claim i am the only true love in his life, can do anything for me, who ask me many times, "do you want I get divorce?"

when the reality come, they just say "i want to be a good man", and the wife need him.

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I wish I could like this 1000 times!

 

Oh believe me, it took me a long time to get there. I still miss him, love him but really, it was making me insane. It was that moment of extreme pain and anger that allowed me to do it. It's sheer will power and stubbornness to feel better that's keeping it. I'm really tired Nothisgirl, aren't you?

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These types of relationships take so much energy out of you. You can't tell anyone, you cant have a normal relationship, you are waiting for a few moments of time together, you are always questioning what is taking place, etc. Makes you wonder why.

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Oh believe me, it took me a long time to get there. I still miss him, love him but really, it was making me insane. It was that moment of extreme pain and anger that allowed me to do it. It's sheer will power and stubbornness to feel better that's keeping it. I'm really tired Nothisgirl, aren't you?

 

Tired? I'm exhausted! Like emotionally and physically drained...and I agree the anger and determination are assets right now. He's already sent me numerous messages. Jerk. Tomorrow I'll figure out how to block him (just got a new phone) because it's so tempting to respond..but why?? to engage in the same bull**** dialogue that's not going to get us anywhere? No thank you

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These types of relationships take so much energy out of you. You can't tell anyone, you cant have a normal relationship, you are waiting for a few moments of time together, you are always questioning what is taking place, etc. Makes you wonder why.

 

AMEN! So so true..never ever again

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Rollercoaster Rider
Oh believe me, it took me a long time to get there. I still miss him, love him but really, it was making me insane. It was that moment of extreme pain and anger that allowed me to do it. It's sheer will power and stubbornness to feel better that's keeping it. I'm really tired Nothisgirl, aren't you?

I am with you on this 100%!! Tired of being unhappy... waiting for a stupid phone call or text...tired of lying..tired of seeing everyone around me laugh and be happy while I am dying inside. That is what keeps me going...the desire to be ME again.

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happy stillmore

Yes, I just got tired of it. Simple and true. Tired of wanting something I couldn't have. Tired of trying to figure out every angle in order to have a life together and not finding an answer. Tired of the guilt. Tired of the stress. Tired of the secrets. Tired of the uncertainties. Tired of the weight on your shoulders. It just slowly builds up and then, BAM! It hits you on the head. You realize this relationship is more bad than good. You miss the old you. What is it about this MM that makes him worth all of this? What am I getting out of this? The toll on your psyche is too much.

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Yes like today MM said (we are both married) Im trying to figure out how to see you in the next two weeks over the holidays....im not holding my breath. Feel like im not of importance on the totem pole. He has no children but I have 4

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happy stillmore

Moments like that frustrated me too. Holidays do not seem as happy in this relationship. They are meant to be with ones you love. You can't be with xMM holidays. That stink, stank, stunk. (The Grinch) :mad:

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When he told me had 15 minutes to let me sit in his truck because he had to be somewhere - we used to sit there for hours. And it was like he was gracing me with presence of royalty and I should kiss his ring or something.

 

Though I was headed there anyway after the hospital shenanigans.

 

I remember waking up from a deep sleep thinking '64' He is 64! I AM 49! in ten years he'll be 75. . .there's just no time..

 

I started to get resentful too. All summer, I drove to one of his beaches every single day to meet him when he was done making his rounds.

He wanted me there so we could swim and suntan and stuff - but gas takes money. Finally I said if you WANT me here every day the least you could do is buy me gas. He did.

 

Altough I miss him some days - some days really a lot - I'm happy to be free. I can have a piss without carrying my phone with me. Although he still calls I don't care, it makes me feel empowered. No siree mister, you will not buy me with hundred dollar bills.

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I realised it when four months in he was still all talk and no action whilst I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. Ultimately it was my birthday coming up that was the turning point. I told him I wanted to be with someone who I can share the entire day with, not just a few stolen hours or a risk of being let down completely. It might have come across as an ultimatum to him but I genuinely could not face my birthday sharing someone else's man which gave him a deadline really.

 

He did the typical panic, told his wife with an intention of leaving, then went quiet on me, then told me he couldn't leave her and I had the worst birthday and break up ever :-(

 

That was three years ago and I don't feel any emotion towards it now but the memory of the events is unpleasant.

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Hi Amelia,

 

my age is similar as you, and now been though similar path you been 3 years ago.

 

now i am in a hard time, it good that see you get though it, because you say, you don't feel any emotion towards now.

 

how long this healing process will take and when you find out you can start love another person again, i just want to believe myself that i can really fine one day and have the healthy relationship again.

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happy stillmore

So many "little" things lead up to the breaking point. I try to remember them in order to remind myself of how bad this relationship was. I remember my last birthday. We spent the day in a small town with shops. He didn't buy me a present so he noticed I was looking at a little calendar in one of the shops. He bought that for me as a birthday present. He couldn't go shopping for a present because his wife would go ballistic. (She knew about us.) I never used that calendar because I always thought it was a lame gift. But, us OWs tend to overlook these things because we are so "understanding" of his situation. We think he is trying to change his situation but in reality he is not. We do want to believe the MM.

 

Just as it takes a lot of these little moments to finally give the OW strength to tell the MM that she can't do this anymore, her heart is breaking because the OW realizes the MM could not be the man they wanted to believe in. They lack the courage (or simply didn't want) to make the changes in their lives. The MM is a coward and a liar.

 

At any rate, when the breaking point is reached, real decisions have to be made. We know how that usually end. :mad:

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It was when I realized there would never be an equilibrium in give-take. I can't give mm myself, my thoughts, kindness, and care without taking from it. The old givers and takers. I like to take as much as I like to give. My ego will not hold strong consistently giving and not having a return. It is bad business. Why short change myself willingly.

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Summer Breeze

Oddly enough DMM and I were happier than we'd ever been when I ended it with him. He'd told me he would never leave home and he didn't. I loved him and I never doubted his love for me but he had reasons in his head why he couldn't leave. We went on a vacation and had a great time. A couple days after we got back I was looking at photos and remembering things. We sent some messages back and forth and then he called. It dawned on me right at that moment I wanted more. I had accepted it for what it was and then all of a sudden it wasn't enough. We were seeing each other a few days later. I walked into the restaurant and told him I loved him and he made me happier than I'd been with anyone else. And that it was over. We talked for about 10 minutes and I left. No ultimatums and no demands. The only thing I could change was me and that's what I did. It was tough but it was the right thing for me. Just happened at a really strange time in our R.

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happy stillmore

Isn't it interesting that OP tend to tiptoe around the big question with the MM/ME? I knew just raising the questions that I was likely not going to get the answer I wanted. I knew his personality. He was a gentle person but totally an avoidant personality. He was not a "take-charge" kind of person. He wouldn't even talk politics. Passive is a good word to describe him. In fact, I asked him why he was so passive about his life. He never could answer.

 

I knew finally asking him bluntly to make a choice to at least show some signs that he was separating from his wife would be the end of our R. I knew he was going to take the safe road. It would require too many decisions on his part. He is used to others making his decisions. No wonder he was so depressed. He never felt like he was in control of his life.

 

I decided to control my fate and finally ask the tough questions when I reached my breaking point. Why did I willingly give this weak man my heart? I can't believe I believed him when I knew our life together would not happen. If he didn't have the courage to be 100% honest with his wife, why would I think he would have the courage to change his life?

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happy stillmore

Intensity,

 

I'm sorry he did that to you. At that moment, you realized his true colors. You are better off without this man who was willing to lie to you. Let him be happy with his wife. His poor wife has to put up with this lying piece of crap. I suspect he is not capable of truly loving anyone but himself. You are better off without him.

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He was sleeping with multiple women and was too emotionally intense with me. He would still meet with me even though I wouldnt let him penetrate and will make out. I was not going all the way since at times, I felt guilty, didnt like his roumors with othe woman and yet it felt the most real thing. He showed intensity that I never felt with any other available men. it felt complete. Was it me or it was indeed complete or was I too much in love and understand him beyond all his mistakes. I didnt even expect him to leave his wife and was just happy to be in those stolen moments.

 

I broke up nice and moved on and he came back again after 6 years just to do the same. Give minimal, be emotional intense and all the way sex this time. I let myself go finally. and than I heard during those 6 years he still had rumours with same other OWs and he was travelling on business with them. When I asked him he said he loved me and thats all should matter. All these OW shouldnt matter since its not important.

 

AM I the one who was crazy? With all other single men I dated I didnt have that low self esteem. Some MM give very less to keep women wanting and keep it minimal to the sex and limited contact to keep them wanting. I never saw a sick man like that again but what was wrong with him. After breaking with him, telling all to his wife, I do self refelcting now and feel what was wroong with me to put up with that. I dodged a bullet to break up with him for life by telling his life. Dont feel very proud but something was wrong and I was in a web that couldnt be broken otherwise. I saw him with his family and the games and the hints were ever ending.. and the show that how miserable he was his wife who cheated too and bore a child with someone who he is raising. And they are still together. How disgusting the whole story can be and I became part of it. One year NC and I am proud of it. Finally feels everythign better.

 

Thoughts?? Why did I get into this crazy person's life?

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