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Lost love turned emotional affair turned physical affair....similar stories?


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It all started when I was 17 years old. I was in my first relationship with my first "love" when I met "my love". We met at a party at my friends house and instantly knew we liked each other, we just had that instant chemistry that is so rare and hard to find. My then boyfriend broke up with me and left me for our room mate. I wasn't upset that he left me for another woman, because even then I understood that things like that happen all the time, I was upset he left in general. Because he was my first love it was intense and crazy and well...a first love. After he broke things off with me "my love" and I started talking more on AIM, yeah I feel old too, we would flirt and tell each other silly things about our wants and dreams for life. We both had a mutual crush on one another. One night at a party I decided to just go for it, seduced him in the basement for about 3 1/2 hours! After that he was extremely persistent, constantly asking me out on dates or to come play video games...like I said, I was 17 he was 22 lol I would always reply with "Well I would be I'm going out tonight, why don't you come meet all of us everyone wants to see you". We played this cat and mouse game for about a year. Both of us single the entire time, yet I was so afraid to love again and so afraid of him hurting me that I just couldn't bring myself to let him treat me right, and I knew he would!

 

After about a year or so he informed me he was moving out of state for his "dream job"! I wanted to tell him "Please don't go, I love you! Don't go" instead all I could say was "That's absolutely amazing sweet man! I hope it's a great experience for you, I'll miss you!" He moved and we lost touch, didn't speak for about 6 years, until 3 months ago...

 

My Backstory: I have been in a horrible emotionally abusive relationship for 6 1/2 years, I have an 18 month old daughter with this man!

 

3 months ago I was on Facebook and saw "my loves" name, my jaw dropped as I never thought I would hear from him or see him again! I instantly sent him a sweet note and a friend request, he approved within minutes! We started talking and catching up, then he told me...he's married with an almost 2 year old son. "I'm so happy for you, you deserve the world!" as I'm dying inside! We continued chatting a little each day over the course of two weeks, finding out that neither of us are happy in our current relationships, we began to support each other, all while still flirting like we used to so long ago! One day I told him about an argument I had with my "husband" and his only reaction was "You are and have always been one of the sweetest, most loving, generous and caring women I have ever met. Not to mention beautiful. You deserve the world on a silver platter." Just like that, I was packing our things and loading my car to return home...

 

We have continued our conversations and kept them mostly harmless, over the past three months, daily/nightly while he is working or home with his son. The pet names sort of snuck up on us, we always had nicknames for each other but now there is significance, there is feeling behind them. He has slowly started informing me that his marriage is on the rocks. He doesn't hold anything back and doesn't lie. He tells me when/if they have sex, he tells me when/if they fight. He also tells me when she's being cold, distance, ornery, cranky...what have you.

 

His backstory: He met his now wife when he was 15 years old, his first love. She left him when they were around 18 years old because she didn't like the lifestyle we were living at the time (raves, parties, drugs and drinking...not proud of it but who is?). She left him, and he believes it was for someone else who was "nicer and had more going for him". 7 years later they started talking again while his father was dying, they married one year later, and had their son one year after that, she is now pregnant with their second child. Both of them believe they are still somewhat in love with each other and would like to continue working on their marriage. Which I fully support him in, though I know he won't be able to "fix" it if I am in the picture.

 

We met in a social situation when his band had a couple shows, so nervous, so excited. We played it off like I was just there to see other bands, I didn't hang around him or try to bother him too much as I didn't want his friends picking up on anything. One of these shows his wife was there, and he politely introduced me to her.

 

Our conversations are deep, emotional, funny, erratic, crazy, weird, sick and twisted. We are very much alike and also different enough to keep each other guessing, which was part of the initial attraction so long ago! We talk about things that we used to, things he remembers that I had forgotten. "Babe, don't you remember we were supposed to move to Alaska and build a homestead?" "Hey.. I forgot your birthday" "Oh, you don't remember? We're supposed to be a perfect match!" He remembers everything down to what I was wearing the night we were first together!

 

Our affair was an affair of the heart, we talked about things we wanted to do to each other, with each other, we talked about the "what ifs" and "in the future", the "anything can happen" situations! This week we met, alone for the first time in 11 years. We messed around and the very next day decided to get a hotel room and take things to "that intimate place". Both of us are completely shocked about all of it, it was mind blowing, intense and all of a sudden these "flirty feelings" have become real, they are deep, they are strong and they are, excuse my language, ****ING TERRIFYING! He is confused, and falling hard. He has said that he thought his wife was his soulmate, but since we have been talking he isn't so sure anymore. Why was he so unhappy if she was "the one". Why have I always been the one to make him the happiest...to which I have no answer. I asked him before things turned physical "Do you have any guilt, or feel bad in any way about what we are doing?" his reply "Not one bit. I know I should, but I don't...I have been wondering about us sleeping together and if I will. If I don't that would make me a complete dirtbag!" well, I asked him again after we slept together. "Baby, do you have ANY guilt, do you feel bad?" is answer "No. Not guilty at all, just afraid it will be way too often and too many strong feelings will get involved more than they already are getting, and I don't want to get careless or wreckless", and the same applies to me. There is no guilt, no remorse, just confusion about our feelings because it's not like we can just "date" openly and fall in love and run away and get married.

 

It has been a crazy spin on life, these past three months. I have read a lot of stories about affairs and it seems a lot of them start in the work environment. I personally feel like my experience in this is a bit unusual, maybe I am wrong. I also know the risks that are involved. I know his wife could potentially find out ad leave him, keeping his children from him, giving him minimal visitation. I know there is a possibility of all of this being a lie because he is simply bored in his marriage and looking for something to entertain him. My gut, which I always follow, tells me not to stop..not just yet. We have been given a chance to see what we should have so long ago, the problem is that he is married. The only thing I feel bad about is the fact that I don't feel bad about it. I know I should, but I just don't. Because it feels right with him, like it always did! From the day I met him, I knew it was him, I have always know and always loved him.

 

Has anyone else had a similar experience?

Edited by megamommy
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My exMM was my ex boyfriend from college and grad school. We reconnected nearly 20 years later through the alumni association. When he realized I was divorced, he pretended he was also going through a divorce. Charming. Some things are best left in the past. I knew there was a reason we broke up back in 1991, lol. Glad I can laugh now.

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My exMM was my ex boyfriend from college and grad school. We reconnected nearly 20 years later through the alumni association. When he realized I was divorced, he pretended he was also going through a divorce. Charming. Some things are best left in the past. I knew there was a reason we broke up back in 1991, lol. Glad I can laugh now.

 

That's a little similar, but we never dated. It was always just friends with feelings. I like to believe that if I give it time it will all work out for me. But only time will tell I guess. I've given it a limit of year until I tell him it's me or her.

"my love" has never lead me to believe he wants a divorce, he has brought it up to her in an attempt to make her realize that things need to change. I truly think their marriage is over, not just because of my bias opinion but of things mutual friends have said, their social interaction with eachother and the fact that they don't even spend time together alone.

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Yes, this is me. Lost love, first love.

 

The thing is, I don't have a positive spin for you. You don't want to hear what I have to say.

 

Good luck. Guard your heart.

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Your emotionally abusive relationship + the familiarity and comfortability factor that comes from knowing someone from long ago, is causing you to get emotionally involved.

 

The truth is, as he told you, they both still feel in love with each other and are having another baby.

 

You provide excitement, and he will take whatever you're willing to offer up. I wouldn't expect him to leave his marriage. You feel special because he's "risking" his marriage, but most guys never think they'll get caught. And most bw don't divorce.

 

If you are in abusive relationship, you are adding fuel to the fire by cheating on your husband. You are putting your daughters and you own well being at risk. I suggest you focus your efforts towards leaving your marriage safely. Get some counseling to help guide you. Mm is your way of self medicating to numb yourself from the reality of your circumstances. you deserve better than both of these guys.

 

The affair is showing you that there is hope for a life & love different than your current sitatuon- but its just a fantasy to pin your hopes on this guy. It doesn't sound like he'll leave.

Edited by Quiet Storm
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He has never led you to believe he wants a divorce.

 

This is very clear on his part. The rest - what you hope, or surmise from mutual friends - is NOTHING but wishful thinking on your part. Seriously, you have no idea how their marriage is. I suspect they do in fact spend plenty of time together, for instance every single night in their bed to begin with. Plus time together daily with their child(ren), as husband and wife.

 

A year is a long time, and without a doubt you will suffer tremendous heartache if you go that route.

 

End it now, and save yourself a world of pain.

 

 

He has talked to her and told her that if things don't change he will leave. Which he has shown me screen shots of the conversation VIA TEXT, because she refuses to talk about things on the phone and they are never together long enough to talk. So. I can't say he has NEVER implied it, he has just never said it to me..

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He has talked to her and told her that if things don't change he will leave. Which he has shown me screen shots of the conversation VIA TEXT, because she refuses to talk about things on the phone and they are never together long enough to talk. So. I can't say he has NEVER implied it, he has just never said it to me..

 

They sleep together, have sex right? So they are alone together.

 

I don't think he's intending to leave her. You're convincing yourself of things - he may never leave.

 

Most MM won't tell you they want a side dish. That's what you are.

 

History or not - you're living the lies.

 

I'd stop communicating...you're helping break up his family.

 

 

If you need to divorce - get it done.

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trailrunner1975

Yes I had a similar experience. Did not turn out quite like I had hoped. You may get lucky, but the odds are heavily against you.

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