Crush on a Married Coworker

[donark]

I have no where to turn to talk to anyone.

 

I am married for 27 years and fell for a coworker. We started just friends and told each other everything about our troubles with our unhappy marriages. She is 14 years younger than me. She has been married 5 years to an alcoholic and is very unhappy. She is a wonderful, smart, beautiful woman. She adores her 6 year old son.

 

It started out in a simple christmas hug, then later email flirting and meeting at the end of the day maybe in the parking lot and saying have a good evening. We would see each other in the hall or she would come by my desk, and I would go to her office and talk. Time would fly when I spoke to her and minutes would turn into hours. Over 3 months our friendship grew and it was exciting to see her and email her. We started going to lunch and then more and more time to see each other. We knew it was getting more than friendship when we talked about dreams of each other and attraction. We would laugh it off and knew we are both married and our sub-conscience and reality are different things. It was still a feeling of missing her over the weekend and wanting more and more. I grew distant from my family and life and had become dis-engaged from my real life.

 

Over time it was known that had physically and emotionally become attached. We had went out for lunch and just sat and talked. Then I actually touched her on her back because she was complaining of tension and it was a spark. The next day I went in and said I can't do this. The reason was because she had feelings for another coworker friend and she was spending time with him such as walking out at the end of the day and lunch. I was jealous. Silly. She immediately became upset and stated I couldn't just drop out of her life. So we continued to talk and email and visit. We finally decided we need to go off and share an intimate moment with each other. We went at lunch and found a place in the boonies. We kissed and had some semi-intimate moments. She had stated she had never cheated before. But she didn't feel bad and that we need that. Then it just got weird. I couldn't stop thinking about her, and she had "compartmentalized it". She started seeing the other coworker on the walk out and dismissed me the next day. She would still email me and visit but I said I couldn't handle seeing them together. I said I needed distance. But that wasn't really what I wanted. I wanted more and she said she couldn't give me more. It was overwhelming, although both of us only saw each other at work and did not communicate outside of work. I know so much about her. Over 4 months we told each other so much about our personal lives.

 

Comes to now, we became paranoid at work, email, visits, etc. Her attention has turned to the other coworker. She has turned less and less warm to me. She stopped initiating email, stopped visiting, stopped accepting lunch invites, stopped seeking me out. If I go see her, she speaks and visits. We have stopped talking about us. I have asked why and she said it just got too serious and she needs to concentrate on her family. I totally agree.

 

But, my Green Monster is the problem. How dumb to be jealous over a married woman. Dumb, it consumes me at times. She has invested her time into this other guy friend at work. Visits him, emails him (don't ask how I know, which is another shame of mine), sits in the parking lot and talks to him, goes off to lunch with him. It hurts me, but I miss our relationship and friendship. She says their relationship is totally different, apples and oranges. Maybe so.

 

I know letting go of her is the answer. Should of let go along time ago, as I had tried to several times before. It is hard to let go of something that was so nice(friendship) at one time. I knew it would end like this, but I took the risk of becoming intimate. Once is a mistake, twice is an affair. (We only had one intimate moment together.)

 

I wish we hadn't gone that far, it muddled any goodness we had in our wonderful friendship. I have come to the conclusion, no matter how much I want what we had in friendship before, we cannot be friends. She had at one time said I was her best friend. I care too much. She is in an abusive and unhappy relationship, and I am too involved.

 

Now at 5 months, I chased her out of the building Friday, and sat and talked to her and told her I was sorry for the way I was behaving. This is not me, and I don't like who I have become in acting this way about her friendship with the other guy. Told her how I feel rejected and how I miss our friendship and feel a void. She said she can't help me with that. She said we both have alot going on in our families and we can be a couple. It cannot be. She again said her relationship with him is not the same as with us. Doesn't really matter in that we are both married.

 

1. Don't fall for a coworker

2. Don't fall for a married woman

3. Don't fall for a woman who has feelings for another person

4. Don't look for love in all the wrong places, especially if you are married.

5. Pay attention to fantasy and reality.

 

I will stop communicating with her in that I will not go over to her office and seek her out and what she is doing any more. I will miss her. I have thought of quitting my job and seeking work elsewhere. I have prayed and seek forgiveness.

[RickFox]

I have no where to turn to talk to anyone.

 

I am married for 27 years and fell for a coworker. We started just friends and told each other everything about our troubles with our unhappy marriages. She is 14 years younger than me. She has been married 5 years to an alcoholic and is very unhappy. She is a wonderful, smart, beautiful woman. She adores her 6 year old son.

 

It started out in a simple christmas hug, then later email flirting and meeting at the end of the day maybe in the parking lot and saying have a good evening. We would see each other in the hall or she would come by my desk, and I would go to her office and talk. Time would fly when I spoke to her and minutes would turn into hours. Over 3 months our friendship grew and it was exciting to see her and email her. We started going to lunch and then more and more time to see each other. We knew it was getting more than friendship when we talked about dreams of each other and attraction. We would laugh it off and knew we are both married and our sub-conscience and reality are different things. It was still a feeling of missing her over the weekend and wanting more and more. I grew distant from my family and life and had become dis-engaged from my real life.

 

Over time it was known that had physically and emotionally become attached. We had went out for lunch and just sat and talked. Then I actually touched her on her back because she was complaining of tension and it was a spark. The next day I went in and said I can't do this. The reason was because she had feelings for another coworker friend and she was spending time with him such as walking out at the end of the day and lunch. I was jealous. Silly. She immediately became upset and stated I couldn't just drop out of her life. So we continued to talk and email and visit. We finally decided we need to go off and share an intimate moment with each other. We went at lunch and found a place in the boonies. We kissed and had some semi-intimate moments. She had stated she had never cheated before. But she didn't feel bad and that we need that. Then it just got weird. I couldn't stop thinking about her, and she had "compartmentalized it". She started seeing the other coworker on the walk out and dismissed me the next day. She would still email me and visit but I said I couldn't handle seeing them together. I said I needed distance. But that wasn't really what I wanted. I wanted more and she said she couldn't give me more. It was overwhelming, although both of us only saw each other at work and did not communicate outside of work. I know so much about her. Over 4 months we told each other so much about our personal lives.

 

Comes to now, we became paranoid at work, email, visits, etc. Her attention has turned to the other coworker. She has turned less and less warm to me. She stopped initiating email, stopped visiting, stopped accepting lunch invites, stopped seeking me out. If I go see her, she speaks and visits. We have stopped talking about us. I have asked why and she said it just got too serious and she needs to concentrate on her family. I totally agree.

 

But, my Green Monster is the problem. How dumb to be jealous over a married woman. Dumb, it consumes me at times. She has invested her time into this other guy friend at work. Visits him, emails him (don't ask how I know, which is another shame of mine), sits in the parking lot and talks to him, goes off to lunch with him. It hurts me, but I miss our relationship and friendship. She says their relationship is totally different, apples and oranges. Maybe so.

 

I know letting go of her is the answer. Should of let go along time ago, as I had tried to several times before. It is hard to let go of something that was so nice(friendship) at one time. I knew it would end like this, but I took the risk of becoming intimate. Once is a mistake, twice is an affair. (We only had one intimate moment together.)

 

I wish we hadn't gone that far, it muddled any goodness we had in our wonderful friendship. I have come to the conclusion, no matter how much I want what we had in friendship before, we cannot be friends. She had at one time said I was her best friend. I care too much. She is in an abusive and unhappy relationship, and I am too involved.

 

Now at 5 months, I chased her out of the building Friday, and sat and talked to her and told her I was sorry for the way I was behaving. This is not me, and I don't like who I have become in acting this way about her friendship with the other guy. Told her how I feel rejected and how I miss our friendship and feel a void. She said she can't help me with that. She said we both have alot going on in our families and we can be a couple. It cannot be. She again said her relationship with him is not the same as with us. Doesn't really matter in that we are both married.

 

1. Don't fall for a coworker

2. Don't fall for a married woman

3. Don't fall for a woman who has feelings for another person

4. Don't look for love in all the wrong places, especially if you are married.

5. Pay attention to fantasy and reality.

 

I will stop communicating with her in that I will not go over to her office and seek her out and what she is doing any more. I will miss her. I have thought of quitting my job and seeking work elsewhere. I have prayed and seek forgiveness.

 

she ain't nothing but trouble and she used you basically. be thankful she's not yours. cut every bit of nonessential communication. stop chasing her like a puppy and leave her be. No matter how much it hurts.... let that one go.... for good

[whichwayisup]

Focus that energy into reconnecting with your wife. When was the last time you brought her flowers, made her feel special, woo'ed her and took her out on a date night?

 

Crushes are fun, they feed the ego but you took it to another level and ran with it and now things are not good. You feel bad, guilty and are lusting after another woman, a MW, who is playing you at times. Not maliciously but selfishly. She loves the attention by many and isn't get caught up in all this like you are.

 

STOP apologizing to her. Focus on your work and put her out of your head. You two crossed the lines and had inappropriate moments that have fed your feelings. Just stop. Kill the fantasy that you have going about her!

 

You have a lot to lose, so ask yourself if losing your marriage, the home life that you're used to, ripping your poor child's life upside down and hurting your wife, is worth chasing some MW at work. A MW who doesn't care about you the way you care about her.

[scatterd]

This was not worth your time or the loss of closeness to your wife and children. You have a lot of work to repair your marriage now. If you put more in your marriage you will have love and attraction back and you will loose any interest you have for this OW. Good luck

[donark]

Focus that energy into reconnecting with your wife. When was the last time you brought her flowers, made her feel special, woo'ed her and took her out on a date night?

 

Crushes are fun, they feed the ego but you took it to another level and ran with it and now things are not good. You feel bad, guilty and are lusting after another woman, a MW, who is playing you at times. Not maliciously but selfishly. She loves the attention by many and isn't get caught up in all this like you are.

 

STOP apologizing to her. Focus on your work and put her out of your head. You two crossed the lines and had inappropriate moments that have fed your feelings. Just stop. Kill the fantasy that you have going about her!

 

You have a lot to lose, so ask yourself if losing your marriage, the home life that you're used to, ripping your poor child's life upside down and hurting your wife, is worth chasing some MW at work. A MW who doesn't care about you the way you care about her.

 

I want to say "Thank you". I know your a stranger on the other side of a computer somewhere, but thank you! I needed to hear it. How I needed to hear it and the sensible answer to this problem I have created in my life. I agree she is not malicious, but selfish. I too was selfish in knowing how this would turn out taking this risk. I need to do all the things you spoke of in devoting my energy back to my wife. I do love her, we have lost the "in love" in our relationship, the passion and desire. We have spoke of trying to work on this part of our relationship. She is a great mother, and I do love her and care about her.

 

You spoke of the crush being fun, and that is exactly what it was for me and her. I am 49. Another woman having interest in me was a wonderful feeling. I lost 20 lbs and have been working out due to the attention. As silly as it may sound. But after all this, I knew hurt would come my way. I told her that if we went there this would happen. I also agree, she is not into this caught up like I am. My fantasy was fueled by talk of a future and other things that made me feel like she had put me in her life. She said that she looked at it several ways, and the age difference didn't matter and that she saw us together in the future. So I agree kill the fantasy. NOW!

 

I have wanted to tell someone and hear something back. Thank you all.

[ComingInHot]

You admit you turned your back on Your Wife and kids, but I also hear zero Remorse or regret in regards to that, only ego tears that young M'd chick doesn't want you.

 

Why do you carry no love, compassion, empathy and commitment towards Your Wife and Family?

[donark]

You are right. I don't know if I regret the relationship. We were great friends. Hard to regret that. I enjoyed our talks about our lives. I do love my family and do not want anything to destroy that. My ego was in the way of making good decisions. I do know that what was good in my relationship with her is gone.

[whichwayisup]

You are right. I don't know if I regret the relationship. We were great friends. Hard to regret that. I enjoyed our talks about our lives. I do love my family and do not want anything to destroy that. My ego was in the way of making good decisions. I do know that what was good in my relationship with her is gone.

 

You're one year away from the big 5-0 and hey, yes it IS nice to gain attention from women, let alone a younger woman who finds you sexy and attractive.

 

She served a purpose but now it's time to close the door and focus your energy on your wife and family unit.

 

DATE NIGHT with your wife. Do it. Plan a fun evening.

[donark]

I did very well today. No personal email. We did speak but about family weekend. No long visits etc.

 

I will take my wife out for a date night. You are so on point with helping me with encouragement. I actually read your note this morning at work to stay focused. It worked.

[whichwayisup]

I'm glad to help you! You're so welcome!

 

Just would hate to see you lose all that you love and have worked so hard for..All for what? A younger woman who feeds your ego and really, as much as you enjoy her company, you don't 'know' her well. You two chat and laugh, have fun but you don't know her flaws or anything negative about her. Nobody is perfect.

[donark]

Tough couple days. She and I have spoke of kids and Halloween. Shared pics etc. nice to talk. She came over Friday to my desk and Monday. Now today she is back to little or no response on email and out to lunch with other coworker. My wife and I are doing well. I am not seeking any more than interaction from her but it seems like she backs out after I start to correspond with her. I have to stop. I did ask her to dismiss my pathetic behavior. I really have to stop and get her out of my head. She told me of her weekend again with troubles at home. I care way too much. NC just seems so harsh to a person that I cared about in friendship. I think changing jobs is my only answer.

[GorillaTheater]

I think changing jobs is my only answer.

 

It may well be. It's a tough job market for guys our age, generally speaking, but better to sacrifice your job than your marriage and family.

 

But I might try this first: cut her out of your life, completely. You know she wouldn't have any trouble doing that herself, but she feeds you a breadcrumb every now and then to keep you on the hook; like someone else noted, she likes the attention.

 

And then let time work it's magic. Ignore her, and focus your energy on your wife. In time, the "crush" feelings will fade.

 

And you also want to be thinking about telling your wife about what you've been up to. If it was her doing this, chances are you'd want to know.