I'm friends with a married woman

[Joemeek]

I've become good friends with a married co-worker and I'm going through a lot of confusion.

 

Over the past couple months it has reached the point where we give each other high compliments and talk everyday but mostly through email and mostly when we are at work. We have not met outside of work and have not talked about doing so expect for talk about doing adventurous things (like river running, sky diving etc) in the future when she gets through school. That adventure talk has really never been defined as just her and I and we have not discussed doing those things alone. But at the same time she is not bringing up other people to do these things.

 

The talk took a turn recently when after a few days of complimenting each other all the time I said to her I could write songs for her and she gave me the challenge. I made it clear that there would be "emotion" in the songs and she did not reject that. In fact I had wrote a song but had no plans of giving it to her but after that episode I did and she liked it. It's mainly about friendship but does talk about things like trust and never leaving you etc...

 

She is having problems in her marriage and the talk about that has gotten more detailed in time. I was feeling bad about all this one day and sent her the lyrics to a song all about the pain of breaking up and told her not to do anything without really exhausting all hopes of saving her marriage. She said she was taking it day by day and not going to do anything drastic.

 

I have tried to get away from talking to her and I can't. We love to talk to each other but the compliments have become frequent and we really make each other feel good.

 

The thing I'm really confused about is this thing being a friendship. I have never been friends with a married woman and I do not want to sleep with her and go down that road. I'm attracted to her but can control myself if the opportunity gets to the point of sex. Her husband did cheat years ago and she forgave him after a separation but now she works a lot and is going to school. Kids are almost grown up. She is having a lot of frustrations with him but I don't know if she really wants to leave him. Like I said earlier she is taking it day by day.

 

I'm confused why she wants to be involved with me as a friend and there are days I feel I could take this thing further but I don't, and even then may be wrong about that. I'm not involved with any other women right now except for going out with friends and having some fun.

[Mr Spock]

Please take my advice.

 

Enjoy the fact that you both like each other. Enjoy it as much as you want, it's flattering to have people flirt with you. It's flattering to have feelings reciprocated.

 

However

 

Don't hump your co workers.

 

Don't hump your married co workers.

 

 

Do her a favour, and don't mess with her life. Not that you have!!! But be a flirty friend-that's it. Interacting with you helps her self esteem, and it sounds like she needs it. If SHE ever tries anything, tell her you respect her too much to allow her to make rash decisions. If you want anything with this woman ever, it needs to be after she's made the decisions in her marriage. It is my completely unprofessional opinion that boinking this woman would turn out to be as much fun as boinking a meat grinder.....

[happybeingme]

Been there, I was the woman having a troubled marriage.

 

Let me tell you what that "friend" gave me. Attention and conversation that was missing in my marriage. It's really nice to have someone care enough to ask how your day is going, or just check in on you because they know things have been a bit hard lately.

 

I have a HUGE warning for you.

 

You gotta turn it around to being a casual thing, or people get hurt.

 

The closer you two become (even as friends) the farther she moves from her marriage. If she confides in you, she doesn't need to with him. Not that her moving away from her marriage is bad, but it has to be her choice. Your friendship will make it easier to just not try .... and ending a marriage shouldn't be easy .... I speak from experience.

 

My friend gave me compliments, flirted occasionally and just made me feel special. I was connected to my friend, and the more I connected to him, the less I tried with my husband. I ended a 16 year relationship, and my friend got the blame. Not that it was a great relationship, it wasn't, but the rumors killed his life. My ex made it quite clear to anyone who would listen that I left him because this other man was becoming attached to me.

 

It has hurt us all.

 

Ending my marriage was right. My friendship is in tact. I just wished I had done it all in the right order ..... end the marriage THEN become great friends with this incredible man. And no, we aren't together in any relationship .... but we have become best friends.

[vanandme4him]

She wants to be your friend because her husband probably is not as loving and attentive as he once used to be. Been there done that, except I was the married woman.

 

Although I had this facade at work about how wonderful my home life was, it was HORRIBLE. Then this guy just started having conversations with me, LISTENING to me GENIUINELY listening. I was wonderful. He was attentive and I could tell he was smitten with me. That coupled with the fact my ex was so BLAH with me at home, kept me coming back for more compliments and more attention from this guy.

 

Affairs are not the romantic, wonderful situations portrayed in movies. They are a torturous experience. RUN, RUN, RUN. And be prepared. Because thee moment you stop paying attention to her, she'll start pursuing you more.

 

Good luck.

[VivianLee]

The closer you two become (even as friends) the farther she moves from her marriage.

 

That's the problem in a nutshell!!

[happybeingme]

Wow! vanandme4him, you got it!

 

I too was the married woman. For me the man wasn't "smitten" with me or looking for anything other than friendship (although there was some sexual tension which was very enticing). We were just enjoying one another's interests.

 

I LOVED having someone actually listen to me.

 

That man has become my best friend, and my marriage is now over .... but the funny thing is, my friend continues to attract married women who are having problems in their marriages. But he's learned. He keeps it very casual and makes certain NOT to e-mail too often or respond too quickly. Once they come to the decision to leave their marriage (and actually leave it), then he can be himself and begin a real connected friendship and be there for that difficult time in their life. Until then, his rule has been "If you're married, I'm friends with the couple .... together and separately." That's the only way to make a close friendship with a married woman work.

 

Good luck Joemeek!

[Joemeek]

Thank you for all the responses!

 

You people who have been through this kind of thing have really hit home! She has been taking in and loving all the compliments. I’ve backed off and this week the emails have been much more laid back. You people have scared me and that’s good! I can see that this could end in a bad way and I don’t want that. I know what I need to do…I need to back off and not email her, but then we’ll run into each other and it’s not like I can act like I don’t know her. I’m going to work on not letting it develop any further and limit the emails I send and respond to.

 

Thanks for the help!