Lady friend challenge

[Good.Fellow]

OK, here is my challenge.

 

I am married with three kids. I love my wife and will not be leaving her.

 

I meet a lady at the office (I work in a very large corporate setting, bt we are in different areas and so don't have to work together). We started chatting etcetera and I started to like her a lot. She is a quiet person. I did notice that she liked me. The one day we chatted again and she mentioned that we should get together with our respective families (as we both have kids of the same age) and do tea. Which we then did.

 

After this I tried to get another get together and I noticed that whenever we chatted she would mention she was busy and be a bit short with me, but she was still very nice. However this is true, we are both very busy people. I just make more time for people as I am more of a people person. Furthermore, whenever she passes my desk she gives me a cute little wave and a dazzling smile. But she is seeming to avoid contact and chatting, this could be due to people starting to watch us, which they are. We have since set up other family get together's after this though.

 

My challenge is that I really like her and I am beating myself up over my feelings for her. I think of her a lot, but I love my wife. I feel terrible.

 

Should I end this friendship slowly? I don't want to as we can chat nicely about interesting and deep issues. My wife might wonder why we are no longer friends also. I also don't like just dumping people. I am also concerned that she has picked up on my "stupid obsession".

 

Please give me some constructive feedback.

 

Excuse my bad grammer but I rushed this post.

[Solcita2]

Why do you wanna complicate your life like this?

Run before it's too late!

[Good.Fellow]

Why do you wanna complicate your life like this?

Run before it's too late!

 

 

Is it not too rude to cancel a get together? There is one scheduled in the next week.

[WrinkledForehead]

Is it not too rude to cancel a get together? There is one scheduled in the next week.

 

Of course its rude.

 

I personally find it far more rude to harbor fantasies of another woman while f****** your wife.

 

So, have the get together & play with fire. Or tell the lady some family stuff came up for that weekend. Tell your wife you felt a weird vibe so you are cancelling that get together.

 

I think this boils down to priorities: which is more important? Enabling yourself the potential to betray your spouse or hurt someone's feelings (likely that would be a modicum of hurt) that you hardly know?

 

It's all your choice. Discover what matters most to you.

[Good.Fellow]

Of course its rude.

 

I personally find it far more rude to harbor fantasies of another woman while f****** your wife.

 

So, have the get together & play with fire. Or tell the lady some family stuff came up for that weekend. Tell your wife you felt a weird vibe so you are cancelling that get together.

 

I think this boils down to priorities: which is more important? Enabling yourself the potential to betray your spouse or hurt someone's feelings (likely that would be a modicum of hurt) that you hardly know?

 

It's all your choice. Discover what matters most to you.

 

I want to cancel, but that probably means the end of the friendship. A part of me is thinking perhaps it is just platonic or will go platonic. What if I am missing out on something in the future? Perhaps the lady just likes me as a cool friend?

[WrinkledForehead]

I want to cancel, but that probably means the end of the friendship. A part of me is thinking perhaps it is just platonic or will go platonic. What if I am missing out on something in the future? Perhaps the lady just likes me as a cool friend?

 

Sure. She may end up being one of the coolest people you've ever met.

 

Tell me about your wife. Is she cool? Is her heart worth you having a crush on a coworker?

 

Do you only feel lust for your coworker or does she give you something you're fiercely missing at home?

 

Like I said, you're playing with fire. If you keep on your current trajectory, you will get burned.

[Good.Fellow]

Sure. She may end up being one of the coolest people you've ever met.

 

Tell me about your wife. Is she cool? Is her heart worth you having a crush on a coworker?

 

Do you only feel lust for your coworker or does she give you something you're fiercely missing at home?

 

Like I said, you're playing with fire. If you keep on your current trajectory, you will get burned.

 

Thanks for taking the time to give advice. Interestingly, I don't really feel lust for her at all, but I feel strong emotions for her, its actually easier feeling lust for another woman than "so called love". I cannot turn love off but I can turn lust off.

 

She appears to be avoiding me lately also. It hurts. I'm probably gonna fire off a cancel email soon.

[WrinkledForehead]

Thanks for taking the time to give advice. Interestingly, I don't really feel lust for her at all, but I feel strong emotions for her, its actually easier feeling lust for another woman than "so called love". I cannot turn love off but I can turn lust off.

 

She appears to be avoiding me lately also. It hurts. I'm probably gonna fire off a cancel email soon.

 

I'd like to state two facts: you are not leaving your wife (nor should you at this point if you love her and you have a healthy marriage).

You feel strong emotion for this other woman. Is it the way she looks at you? Does she brush your arm when she walks by? Do her eyes sparkle when she laughs at your jokes?

 

Whatever it is, its likely your wife has done it for you and you're missing it now. As a husband, a father, you can make it happen again! Ask your wife to dress her best, take her out on the town, and look for HER beauty. Charm her. Watch the swish of her hips which helped bear your children. Notice the flecks of color in her eyes when the candlelight reflects off them. Make her laugh. Make her feel desired. I can assure you that if you put forth the effort to find what is lacking, and do what you've done in the past to make her love you, that you can find it again.

 

If she's a good woman, her love and emotion is far more than any coworker (who is now brushing you off, may I add). Find what's missing and put it back.

 

Best of luck!

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Do you lock your car at night? Do you lock your home? Learn to safe guard your marriage, if you treasure it at all. Do not,what ever you do, admit to having feelings for her. You are on the slippery slope. This is what affairs are made of.

 

Personally, I think it reeks that you are subjecting your wife to spending time with your soon to be (unless you change something now) affair partner. Surely she has better things to do than entertain your crush.

 

Keep down this road and soon you will be telling us how miserable your marriage was, how you and your wife are just roommates, that you love her but are not in love with her. These things all pretty much develop the same way. Read here long enough and you could chart this course on a hurricane tracking map with your eyes closed.

 

Good luck, if you value you family then lock your marriage.

[ComingInHot]

what do you mean "future option"??

[Good.Fellow]

what do you mean "future option"??

 

Me? Well what I mean is what if she just likes me as a friend. If I push her away I would be losing out on a very good friend. I could be just going through a phase.

[MissBee]

OK, here is my challenge.

 

I am married with three kids. I love my wife and will not be leaving her.

 

I meet a lady at the office (I work in a very large corporate setting, bt we are in different areas and so don't have to work together). We started chatting etcetera and I started to like her a lot. She is a quiet person. I did notice that she liked me. The one day we chatted again and she mentioned that we should get together with our respective families (as we both have kids of the same age) and do tea. Which we then did.

 

After this I tried to get another get together and I noticed that whenever we chatted she would mention she was busy and be a bit short with me, but she was still very nice. However this is true, we are both very busy people. I just make more time for people as I am more of a people person. Furthermore, whenever she passes my desk she gives me a cute little wave and a dazzling smile. But she is seeming to avoid contact and chatting, this could be due to people starting to watch us, which they are. We have since set up other family get together's after this though.

 

My challenge is that I really like her and I am beating myself up over my feelings for her. I think of her a lot, but I love my wife. I feel terrible.

 

Should I end this friendship slowly? I don't want to as we can chat nicely about interesting and deep issues. My wife might wonder why we are no longer friends also. I also don't like just dumping people. I am also concerned that she has picked up on my "stupid obsession".

 

Please give me some constructive feedback.

 

Excuse my bad grammer but I rushed this post.

 

It seems she realizes this friendship can quickly become inappropriate and is doing the right thing, bowing out before you both cross the line then saying "It just happened", as we all know it doesn't just happen.

 

If you are at a point of posting here about it and calling it a stupid "obsession" you should realize that you're towing the line here and it is really best to back away from this friendship. You don't need to "dump" her, just say hi and bye in passing as she already does to you and leave it at that.

 

It is not wrong or abnormal to develop other attractions even when committed, we're humans, but if you've promised monogamy then you honor that by not putting yourself in compromising situations. Your lady friend seems to realize this, I think if you take her lead or even are open with your wife about your crush, it may help it to die down so you can move forward and not enter a world of mess.

[MissBee]

I want to cancel, but that probably means the end of the friendship. A part of me is thinking perhaps it is just platonic or will go platonic. What if I am missing out on something in the future? Perhaps the lady just likes me as a cool friend?

 

Um no.

 

If you have feelings for her it is not platonic already.

 

No one stresses about "friendships" like you're doing. Fact. Genuine friendships form organically and there is no huge burden and questions surrounding them. You're just talking yourself into why you should continue seeing this woman you like as more than a friend by pretending it is friendly...

 

Does your wife go on these family outings?

 

Even if she likes you as a cool friend, you don't like her as just a cool friend :rolleyes:come on....and you're the married one, so YOU are the one who needs to stop pursuing this.

 

Is a "cool friend" who you then end up crossing the line with worth your marriage? Please don't be shortsighted. I cannot imagine being married, loving my husband and then having feelings for a work friend and insisting well we should probably be friends, he may be a cool friend, we need to hang out...why???!!! Don't you have enough friends? Why take on a "friend" that comes with the potential for drama for everyone? Stop using the friend line, reminds me of when men try to ask for my number and I say I have a bf then they change to "well we can be friends" umm no we can't! You approached me because you liked me and the friend ruse is flimsy.

[Ladydrib]

OK, here is my challenge.

 

I am married with three kids. I love my wife and will not be leaving her.

 

I meet a lady at the office (I work in a very large corporate setting, bt we are in different areas and so don't have to work together). We started chatting etcetera and I started to like her a lot. She is a quiet person. I did notice that she liked me. The one day we chatted again and she mentioned that we should get together with our respective families (as we both have kids of the same age) and do tea. Which we then did.

 

After this I tried to get another get together and I noticed that whenever we chatted she would mention she was busy and be a bit short with me, but she was still very nice. However this is true, we are both very busy people. I just make more time for people as I am more of a people person. Furthermore, whenever she passes my desk she gives me a cute little wave and a dazzling smile. But she is seeming to avoid contact and chatting, this could be due to people starting to watch us, which they are. We have since set up other family get together's after this though.

 

My challenge is that I really like her and I am beating myself up over my feelings for her. I think of her a lot, but I love my wife. I feel terrible.

 

Should I end this friendship slowly? I don't want to as we can chat nicely about interesting and deep issues. My wife might wonder why we are no longer friends also. I also don't like just dumping people. I am also concerned that she has picked up on my "stupid obsession".

 

Please give me some constructive feedback.

 

Excuse my bad grammer but I rushed this post.

 

If you love your wife and intend to stay with her end the friendship immediately. Tell your wife you ended it because you felt and attraction with the woman but you value your marriage therefore you have removed her from your life.

 

If you didn't love your wife and were considering divorce I'd advise you tell her that too. But you clearly do love her so you need to cut ties with this friend. 100%

[Ladydrib]

Is it not too rude to cancel a get together? There is one scheduled in the next week.

 

Seriously? Engaging in an attraction to someone while happily married is much worse than rude. You need not worry about if its rude to cancel or not. You need to end all involvement with this couple immediately.

[Ladydrib]

I want to cancel, but that probably means the end of the friendship. A part of me is thinking perhaps it is just platonic or will go platonic. What if I am missing out on something in the future? Perhaps the lady just likes me as a cool friend?

 

You're lying to yourself. That's how affairs begin. When we lie to ourselves. If you're not careful you will get yourself to a point where you cannot stop.

 

The friendship SHOULD end.

[threelaurels]

Me? Well what I mean is what if she just likes me as a friend. If I push her away I would be losing out on a very good friend. I could be just going through a phase.

 

The problem isn't that she might like you as more than a friend. The problem is that you like her as more than a friend. You're emotionally attracted to her, and continuing the friendship would constitute an emotional affair.

 

I am married with three kids. I love my wife and will not be leaving her.

 

If you continue the friendship and it becomes an emotional affair, there's a good chance that your wife might end up leaving you. The grass is always greener where you water it. If you become too close to this woman, your relationship with your wife will suffer. Even if she never finds out about the affair, your marriage won't be healthy, and she may eventually decide it's better to end it and move on.

 

Being attracted to other people while married or in a relationship is normal. Our emotional and sexual feelings don't just go away because we've made a commitment. The difference between a cheater and a non-cheater is that a non-cheater recognizes that the friendship is inappropriate and sets up boundaries to prevent things from going further. Common boundaries might include only seeing her at work or keeping conversations limited to work-related things or small talk.

 

If you choose to continue the friendship with the mindset that you'll be able to just be friends, you'll find yourself making small compromises to your boundaries that will eventually become a slippery slope into bigger ones--most likely without you even realizing what is happening until it's too late.

 

My advice to you is this:

1. Don't end the friendship slowly. Just end it. If she talks to you, be friendly but professional. Don't go out of your way to see her or talk to her. If you are unable to do these things due to the nature of your work, you might consider transferring to another location if possible.

2. Go back to dating your wife. If you want your romance to stay alive, you should never stop dating her. Hire a babysitter and go out to the movies. Take her to dinner. Do things you used to do with her before you got married. Make it a routine thing, even if you only have time to do it once a month.

[freestyle]

Get yourself a copy of "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass.

 

She provides a very comprehensive outline of how emotional affairs start...and everything you've written is following the script. She was a couples counselor for 15 years, before she wrote the book....so her expertise is based on extensive firsthand experience.

 

If you educate yourself now, about the dynamics that create fertile soil for affairs to happen, you can spare yourself, your W, AND your children, from a lot of needless heartache.

 

(ounce of prevention..........)

[Good.Fellow]

I think I'm going to continue the friendship. She seems to be watching herself, which is a good thing.

 

I'm not going to chuck a friendship out the window. I have nothing to worry about as we are both pretty conservative and it does take two to tango right?

[whatatangledweb]

I think I'm going to continue the friendship. She seems to be watching herself, which is a good thing.

 

I'm not going to chuck a friendship out the window. I have nothing to worry about as we are both pretty conservative and it does take two to tango right?

 

Yes, it does take two. Yet you are going to stay in close contact with a woman you have an attraction for. It may stay innocent and it may lead to an affair. What do you think you wife would say if she knew how you felt? Would you want her to do this?

[Good.Fellow]

Yes, it does take two. Yet you are going to stay in close contact with a woman you have an attraction for. It may stay innocent and it may lead to an affair. What do you think you wife would say if she knew how you felt? Would you want her to do this?

 

Yes but we all have friends who are of the opposite sex. Imagine if we cut ties because of a silly fleeting crush?

 

If you have boundaries and you move through the crush into a normal friendship - then its cool. This friend of mine has placed the walls up strong and I am grateful for that.

[Keats]

Actually she hasn't put the walls up strong.

 

She's still attending family outings with you and your family.

 

Despite her senses that you are a man to be kept at distance.

 

It sounds like the most perfect AWKWARD fertile ground for building on future tension.

 

Maybe you can handle yourself and this friendship. Which is good.

 

But its not good enough. You've chosen the level of your boundary. Its a step low.

 

The big things are easy to stop. But the little things aren't > even if they lead to nothing.

Edited September 20, 2013 by Keats

[Good.Fellow]

Actually she hasn't put the walls up strong.

 

She's still attending family outings with you and your family.

 

Despite her senses that you are a man to be kept at distance.

 

It sounds like the most perfect AWKWARD fertile ground for building on future tension.

 

Maybe you can handle yourself and this friendship. Which is good.

 

But its not good enough. You've chosen the level of your boundary. Its a step low.

 

The big things are easy to stop. But the little things aren't > even if they lead to nothing.

 

I think the bolded part is a little unfair, I am not that way at all.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

If its that important to you then you are in an emotional affair. If the friendship is less important to you then you would end it. You are USING your wife and children to get/be close to this woman! I can't believe you're talking about boundaries. Do you not think you have already crossed them. I promise you your wife would. If you weren't withholding important information from her.

 

And for the record, crushes like this don't turn to just a friendship. They fester, much the way unrequited love does. Do yourself a favor and look up limerence. You'll see yourself.

 

It's rare that you see everyone agree on touchy subjects like these but everyone is telling you the same thing. You're placing your marriage at risk. You are far enough gone already that you don't care. Your "friendship" with your wife will never be the same, even if you're not caught! People are telling you this because they KNOW. They've been on some side of this triangle. This progresses in the same manner, over and over.

 

You don't want to hear it because you're too far gone, you're already justifying your actions. A "simple" crush can ruin your life.

 

The first order of business is to tell your wife about your emotional attraction to your coworker. If you value your marriage.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Good Fellow, do you believe that emotional affairs are cheating? Or do you believe that only sexual affairs are cheating?