Daisy2013 Posted August 21, 2013 Share Posted August 21, 2013 As I've said in my earlier post, as of about 3 weeks ago, my exMOM and I are now just friends. We don't hang out, just see each other in general where our paths cross. We are in LC, meaning me calls once or twice per week to say hello and chat. Nothing sexual and no planning to meet. He ended our last convo. with "I miss you, you are my friend. I am smiling because I'm talking to you, and you brighten my mundane life." He whines a lot. Basically, I've learned from reading on here "whatever..." I didn't respond except to say I was glad he was smiling. I keep my end of the convo. impersonal. Lots I've read on here has opened my eyes. But, why is he telling me these things? He is the one who called it off bc of guilt. I said okay, and this time won't go back as I previously have. At that point in the convo., in the past I would have said "then lets meet as friends for a bit" and it would start all over. But I've learned he is responsible for his mundane life and its not my job to brighten it. Thanks to what I'm learning here. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted August 21, 2013 Share Posted August 21, 2013 As I've said in my earlier post, as of about 3 weeks ago, my exMOM and I are now just friends. We don't hang out, just see each other in general where our paths cross. We are in LC, meaning me calls once or twice per week to say hello and chat. Nothing sexual and no planning to meet. He ended our last convo. with "I miss you, you are my friend. I am smiling because I'm talking to you, and you brighten my mundane life." He whines a lot. Basically, I've learned from reading on here "whatever..." I didn't respond except to say I was glad he was smiling. I keep my end of the convo. impersonal. Lots I've read on here has opened my eyes. But, why is he telling me these things? He is the one who called it off bc of guilt. I said okay, and this time won't go back as I previously have. At that point in the convo., in the past I would have said "then lets meet as friends for a bit" and it would start all over. But I've learned he is responsible for his mundane life and its not my job to brighten it. Thanks to what I'm learning here. It sounds like he's trying to reel you in again and at best keep an EA with you. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted August 21, 2013 Share Posted August 21, 2013 It sounds like he's trying to reel you in again and at best keep an EA with you. Exactly. I agree. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 21, 2013 Share Posted August 21, 2013 He is not your 'friend' in the sense that you think or want. As long as it's about him and his life, his feelings, his desires, his ego stroke, then yes, you two are 'friends.' Trust me, if you need something from him, an ear - just to talk, I doubt very much he'd make time for you because it's too much effort. He enjoys the attention you give him and he is getting something out of it. For selfish reasons, it's not innocent and platonic at all. Being friends with an exAP isn't easy as you can see. Ask yourself why you allow such little bits and pieces of him into your life. Is it worth it? What are you getting out of it? IF you feel like you're being used or played then take as a sign that the trust isn't there and maybe it's time to think about finally ending it once and for all and walk away for good. Don't cling to him or have hopes that he'll be back in your life or be in your life on any serious level. DOn't invest your time, energy or emotions/feelings into him, he isn't worth it and you are worthy of so much more than he is offering you. Get mad, get fed up and close the door. Let go and move on in the best way you can. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 21, 2013 Share Posted August 21, 2013 He's using you - still - as his ego feed. He feels no guilt but you still stroke his ego by answering your phone and paying him "some attention". What if you just never answered your phone again when he calls? What about what YOU want - what YOU deserve? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daisy2013 Posted August 21, 2013 Author Share Posted August 21, 2013 Being friends with an exAP isn't easy as you can see. Ask yourself why you allow such little bits and pieces of him into your life. Is it worth it? What are you getting out of it? IF you feel like you're being used or played then take as a sign that the trust isn't there and maybe it's time to think about finally ending it once and for all and walk away for good. Don't cling to him or have hopes that he'll be back in your life or be in your life on any serious level. DOn't invest your time, energy or emotions/feelings into him, he isn't worth it and you are worthy of so much more than he is offering you. Get mad, get fed up and close the door. Let go and move on in the best way you can. Thank you. I get nothing, really, except that he allows me to make him feel good. It has always been about him. I'm not investing anymore, although I'm afraid to let go. Why? I don't know. It's never been about me. He's even said to me our relationship was based on his comfort level. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daisy2013 Posted August 21, 2013 Author Share Posted August 21, 2013 (edited) He's using you - still - as his ego feed. He feels no guilt but you still stroke his ego by answering your phone and paying him "some attention". What if you just never answered your phone again when he calls? What about what YOU want - what YOU deserve? If I quit answering, he would quit calling. We were involved for 2 years. Once, I didn't answer for 3 calls, and he said if I hadn't answered, he would have quit calling. Another time I asked him if I walked away, would he fight for me. He said "no, I don't like conflict." That is the truth, he avoids conflict. I can now see he is an "I need to fix"/"I need to do..." person who prefers to whine and never takes steps to do anything. Whether M-related, job-related, or for pleasure. He would say "I love you, but don't know what to do with you." Edited August 21, 2013 by Daisy2013 Typo Link to post Share on other sites
awkward Posted August 21, 2013 Share Posted August 21, 2013 It sounds like a game to me. Be done with him. If he was single, you would not put up with this crap. Link to post Share on other sites
velvette Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 It sounds like he's told you everything you need to know. When people tell you their truth, believe them. Link to post Share on other sites
Feb Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 If I quit answering, he would quit calling. We were involved for 2 years. Once, I didn't answer for 3 calls, and he said if I hadn't answered, he would have quit calling. Another time I asked him if I walked away, would he fight for me. He said "no, I don't like conflict." That is the truth, he avoids conflict. I can now see he is an "I need to fix"/"I need to do..." person who prefers to whine and never takes steps to do anything. Whether M-related, job-related, or for pleasure. He would say "I love you, but don't know what to do with you." You have all your answers, and in fact he is making it easy for you! If you quit answering he won't call anymore and make NC easy for you, unlike some of the other people that keep aggressively pursuing after NC. Daisy your AP is like my xAP. A chronic whiner and unhappy person. Everything was a "poor me" conversation ... the glass wasn't just half empty, it was completely dry! Looking back, the conversations really weren't enjoyable in that last month. They left me feeling sad, empty, drained, as I spent so much energy trying to solve his B.S. problems and figuring out how to put a smile on his face. He is using the friends card as a convenient crutch for himself. Ask yourself this. Forget about the attraction and A for a moment with your AP. Let's say you and I are friends (two women), and every conversation was dominated by my whining and you listening and trying to console me. Would you still want me as a friend? No, you'd eventually try to taper off contact and end the relationship, because friendship is a two-way street and people should truly enjoy each other's company. Do you really enjoy listening to him, or is it just out of habit and fear of letting go? Take it from me, once you don't listen to his whining anymore, you'll automatically become a happier person. He is just a big rock tied around your ankle. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Pastypop Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 Tell him to go home and whine to his wife about his mundane life!! Tell him you could care less!! Consider him a lesson learned kind of moment! Link to post Share on other sites
LilGirlandOW Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 As I've said in my earlier post, as of about 3 weeks ago, my exMOM and I are now just friends. He ended our last convo. with "I miss you, you are my friend. I am smiling because I'm talking to you, and you brighten my mundane life." He whines a lot. I hate the whining! But I've learned he is responsible for his mundane life and its not my job to brighten it. Thanks to what I'm learning here. LS has taught me a lot too. Do I follow all the adivce? No. But I feel like I have more shoulders to cry on, and more than enough brillient advice. The $2.50/mnth to subscribe & help out is the best money I've ever spent! Cheapest therapy going! Link to post Share on other sites
affairaddict Posted August 22, 2013 Share Posted August 22, 2013 They love the sympathy and Molly coddling. Presume they don't get it at home. I was free with it he lapped it up, admitted he liked it too . Don't fall in to the "just friends" trap. Men especially like to call emotional affairs friends so they feel less guilt. He wants to resume the EA stay away 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daisy2013 Posted August 22, 2013 Author Share Posted August 22, 2013 Thank you for you who have offered support and advice. It is interesting to see common themes intertwining and to learn from those who have walked this path. Every day, I learn more and grow stronger. Link to post Share on other sites
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