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Having a Crap Day


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I'm emotional as heck over various things that are not going well in my life. I am tempted, for the first time in a while, to contact the exMM. I realize this would only be a short term fix...like taking a Xanax, and then it would be back to reality. I just want him to tell me sweet things. But, I won't. I told him to contact me in Sept, 2014, if he is divorced and not before. I know this is just loneliness and self-pity. I don't need outside comfort, right?

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Not from him. Not if you've told him no contact. That's just opening that door back up again. Can you find something else to do to keep you busy and your mind occupied? Get together with friends, go out and exercise vigorously or...? Shoot, even shopping therapy is something I'd encourage over reconnecting since you've already taken the step of NC.

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Not from him. Not if you've told him no contact. That's just opening that door back up again. Can you find something else to do to keep you busy and your mind occupied? Get together with friends, go out and exercise vigorously or...? Shoot, even shopping therapy is something I'd encourage over reconnecting since you've already taken the step of NC.

 

 

Yeah...I'm going to take a hot shower and go to bed super early. This will pass.

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GreySkyMorning
I'm emotional as heck over various things that are not going well in my life. I am tempted, for the first time in a while, to contact the exMM. I realize this would only be a short term fix...like taking a Xanax, and then it would be back to reality. I just want him to tell me sweet things. But, I won't. I told him to contact me in Sept, 2014, if he is divorced and not before. I know this is just loneliness and self-pity. I don't need outside comfort, right?

 

I'm so sorry you've had a rough day. I can relate. But no, don't contact him. It's just a cheap.fix and the after effects would leave you in an even worse spot.

 

Take it easy on yourself. Pamper yourself tonight. This will pass too.

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GreySkyMorning

 

Kind of like stopping smoking see how long you can hold out one minute at a time. Sometimes, that s' all we can agree to or guarantee we can give - one single minute. Then try another minute and another.

:(

 

Yup. This thought process has worked wonders for me. It started with I didn't tell him to be careful Monday morning. Then I made it through the afternoon and the night. Then I did it again Tuesday. Now Wednesday. I'll take it. :-)

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BruisedBNBroken

Goodbye, I have learned so much from reading your posts, learning from your strength, admiring your resolve. One of my favorite posts of yours was when you felt indifference! You will get there again. You're just having a bad day. It will pass, if not tomorrow, maybe the next day. If you contact him, you may feel better for a few minutes, but where would that leave you overall? You're doing so so well. Call a friend, take a shower, read back to some of your old posts from early NC days, watch some trashy TV, eat some chocolate. But do not contact him. You can do this. And we're all here for you.

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Goodbye, you are so right. The ONLY days I still hurt about my exAP are the generically bad days. It's like I just have to emotionally pile on when I'm already down about something else! I do it to myself! At first I thought it was that I missed my escape (him), but that's not really what I got from my A. It's that I only feel hurt and abandoned by my ex when my defenses are down and I'm upset about other things. Usually my rational side wins out, but when work sucks or my kids are being brats, my rational thinking leaves and the piling on of all sadness begins. BAM! Hurting over ex when I thought I was done.

 

Now that I understand it, I ride the wave until it passes. I usually break out a treat from my "I deserve it!" list (bath, dessert, new book, OnDemand movie, nap, candle and music, new recipe, mall therapy) and try to be good to myself.

 

Hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

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I guess you better not contact him unless you don't want him back in your life... If you remember I told you exMM contacted my best friend and kept on doing that, he also dropped a few Skype messages to me, but I was cold. I was dying to talk to him, but I am still not sure if I actually should stay in touch with him at this stage... But guess what - this contact, this reminding is the reason he is back in my thoughts, I again think of him all the time :( Now I want to contact him but I am struggling. So if you do not want him back in your life I guess better not... Wait a bit... See how you feel... Someone here said that things contunie untill you've really had ENOUGH. A agree with that, BUT sometimes you feel you've had a enough, you quit, time goes buy... and your anger/offence is also getting weaker. And you find yourself confused. I am sending you hugs!!!!

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sadwithouthim

I'm in exactly that same spot today, except I'm the MW and my OM initiated NC 37 days ago. I'm so struggling. I was just in the middle of writing him an email that I'm going to try not to send, but might just have to anyway.

 

I worry about him to the point of stomach aches. I miss him so bad. The rain keeps falling, but the rainbow's gone.

 

I wish my OM had said anything at all about reconnecting. He didn't. He was probably so tired of being on the hook so long.

 

I know if I talked to him, I'd be literally high. Then, we'd be back to where we were, and maybe deeper. We'd be longing for things we can't have.

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aspiringuitarheroine
I'm in exactly that same spot today, except I'm the MW and my OM initiated NC 37 days ago. I'm so struggling. I was just in the middle of writing him an email that I'm going to try not to send, but might just have to anyway.

 

I worry about him to the point of stomach aches. I miss him so bad. The rain keeps falling, but the rainbow's gone.

 

I wish my OM had said anything at all about reconnecting. He didn't. He was probably so tired of being on the hook so long.

 

Nonononononononono..... it'll make you feel worse!

 

You never email an ex until you're over them and can be their platonic friend. In the case of an AP, I'm afraid you email them never... Or at least, not for many years.

 

You. Are. Married. Do the right thing by him, because it's ultimately the right thing by you.

 

You could have those things, if you divorced your husband. What are you so scared of?

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Don't do it! I also worry that one of those days is approaching, where I will want to reach out and make contact, but I also know how rubbish I will feel afterwards. You have done so well (this is for sadwithouthim as well), keep going. By contacting him you are in effect giving him power over your emotions without even being present. And you will feel rubbish for doing it.

 

Right, now to listen to my own advice when the time strikes (which I forsee happening over the weekend).

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affairaddict

Sad without him. Please put his needs before yours for once and leave him alone. If you had real feelings for him you would never contact him again.

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sadwithouthim

Thanks, reading the replies to your post helped me not to send the email I was writing. The blues shall pass.

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aspiringuitarheroine
Sad without him. Please put his needs before yours for once and leave him alone. If you had real feelings for him you would never contact him again.

 

High-fiving this post. :cool:

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sadwithouthim
Sad without him. Please put his needs before yours for once and leave him alone. If you had real feelings for him you would never contact him again.

 

Yes, I know you're right, but sometimes I feel like HE needs me. It's not just about me. We had a huge emotional connection, and sometimes I think I can FEEL that he needs me. Yes, I discarded the email. I'm back on the NC track. I think I need to cry.

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sadwithouthim
Yes, I know you're right, but sometimes I feel like HE needs me. It's not just about me. We had a huge emotional connection, and sometimes I think I can FEEL that he needs me. Yes, I discarded the email. I'm back on the NC track. I think I need to cry.

 

So, I'm taking my lunch break, driving a few smoking a cigarette, and crying.

 

Then, I'm dilligently working and focusing on only that.

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Yes, I know you're right, but sometimes I feel like HE needs me. It's not just about me. We had a huge emotional connection, and sometimes I think I can FEEL that he needs me. Yes, I discarded the email. I'm back on the NC track. I think I need to cry.

 

He probably does need you. But only if you are free from your situation. You have to understand how hard it is for him too. Basically the main block to you being together is the fact you are not available. He is.

If you really care for him you should stay away however hard it may be. Concentrate on your home life and what you want there. If you are going to stay married you have no right to break contact, it will only hurt him even more...

 

I wish so much when I had gone NC before my MM had respected my wishes. Of course each time I secretly hoped my knight in shining armour would come and rescue me, and tell me he would sort out his home life.

He would always return, calling me, saying he missed me. But he never changed his situation. I would cave in but each time we re connected I would get more unhappy and cross with myself for being so weak. It wore me down each time.

I had the strength to go NC but only with me not contacting him. As soon as I heard from, him I was back to square one.

If you cannot give him a proper relationship then he has the right to move on and find someone who can give him that. If you contact him he will be back to square one.

I can understand it is hard, but do respect his wishes, even if it upsets you. Use this time to focus on your marriage and what you want to do regarding that.

Take care x

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sadwithouthim

Thanks for pulling me back to a sensible state again, gals. I got fresh air and some ice cold water.

 

Funny story...today I had called my cousin & told her about NC. She's known about him since the beginning, but I feel guarded talking about it on home phone (husband is tracking I suspect).

 

I was saying "I feel blah because day 37, no contact now", and she said "well, why this time?" because we had many NC's previously. I said "no time, nothing to offer him, same ole, same ole". Then, she said "hey, you should go on catfish". I was thinking "well, that was a subject change" but thought she meant for my depression or something. Then, she proceeded to tell me it's a show on TV where they go to see if people are really the people they portrayed themselves to be online. I had never heard of the show, but I'd never met him in person.

 

Better get back to work. I'm sure I'll be back tomorrow. This site is very helpful to me. :)

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affairaddict

Yes I'm sure he needs you In some way. But you're no good for him. You hold the power in your hands to let him get over you. Why don't you want him to? Is that not cruel?

 

You must keep telling yourself over and over again that any contact with him again is toxic and any contact you make is selfish And cruel.

 

You can't have two men. Everyone has told you to divorce your husband. Why do you stay in this miserable marriage?

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sadwithouthim
Yes I'm sure he needs you In some way. But you're no good for him. You hold the power in your hands to let him get over you. Why don't you want him to? Is that not cruel?

 

You must keep telling yourself over and over again that any contact with him again is toxic and any contact you make is selfish And cruel.

 

You can't have two men. Everyone has told you to divorce your husband. Why do you stay in this miserable marriage?

 

There are reasons, but the reasons not to stay surely outweight the reasons to stay. I guess I have a fear of the unknown, don't want to parent on my own (especially with my daughter's severe anger and behavior issues), fear of change, not wanting to change my children's lives. The usual reasons, I guess.

 

Yesterday, my mom was saying "so, I saw a sign over there on ____ Rd. that said free divorce consultations". Yes, everyone knows it needs done, but still I stay. It literally affects my health staying and pretending. I'm a big chicken I think.

 

This was after I told her I'm feeling sad because of NC. She knew about OM, but at first she said "that guy's more than 2,000 miles away in CA, you don't know, he could be Jack the F***ing ripper...lol.

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There are reasons, but the reasons not to stay surely outweight the reasons to stay. I guess I have a fear of the unknown, don't want to parent on my own (especially with my daughter's severe anger and behavior issues), fear of change, not wanting to change my children's lives. The usual reasons, I guess.

 

Yesterday, my mom was saying "so, I saw a sign over there on ____ Rd. that said free divorce consultations". Yes, everyone knows it needs done, but still I stay. It literally affects my health staying and pretending. I'm a big chicken I think.

 

This was after I told her I'm feeling sad because of NC. She knew about OM, but at first she said "that guy's more than 2,000 miles away in CA, you don't know, he could be Jack the F***ing ripper...lol.

 

You only have one life. Are you just going to live like this the rest of your life? If you continue like this and don't address your home issues then all you are going to end up doing is hurting a string of other men. Even if OM is out of your life now, I'm sure someone else will come along you will get attached to who will fill this void in your life. Then they will get hurt too if you do not fix your marriage.

 

You are involving other people in your unhappy marriage by not addressing it.

 

Yes divorce is hard, I know that and I got on well with my ex husband. But I left before I started to get tempted elsewhere. That was only fair on him, and only fair on any other men I might have met during that time.

 

Your attention now should not be on OM. You have shown you do not love him enough to fix your home life. Fact is too if you have not met him, you probably see him even more through rosé tinted spectacles. Living with someone, and putting up with their good and bad points like smelly feet, or turning up late whenever you are going to meet, or getting grumpy when they have not had much sleep is a lot different than having an EA.

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There are reasons, but the reasons not to stay surely outweight the reasons to stay. I guess I have a fear of the unknown, don't want to parent on my own (especially with my daughter's severe anger and behavior issues), fear of change, not wanting to change my children's lives. The usual reasons, I guess.

I believe fear of the unknown and also fear of "what if I quit everything and a new thing will not work out" are the most severe ones. I am not the married partner in the A, but I felt that these doubts were even stronger than objective reasons for my MM even if he did not realize they were (it was all difficult - different countries, different language, age gap)... I am going through a big change in my life at the moment and it is thrilling, so I can imagine it could be very hard for a married person to make a step forward to even a better life. Cause you get used to things, even when they are bad. It has to become really, really bad I guess to make a step out or one can realize that his/her life is miserable without the A partner... It is so easy to say "get him/her out of your life, tjoughts, heart, keep yourself busy", etc. To be honest - no matter how busy I am my heart doesn't let him go...

I guess I am like your guy - my MM tries to contact me in every available way and I am trying to resist. BUT his actions got me back to "square one" :( though I did not show it. I guess my MM - probably like you - is still trying to figure out if he could change his life. If you are 100% sure you are not and will not be available for your guy, better do not contact him...

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Okay, so I slept off the urge. I will try to get back on my "horse" today. It is hard because exMM's parting words were begging me not to go NC, but I know nothing has changed. Which is ok.

 

You never know what is around the corner...

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I'm in exactly that same spot today, except I'm the MW and my OM initiated NC 37 days ago. I'm so struggling. I was just in the middle of writing him an email that I'm going to try not to send, but might just have to anyway.

 

I worry about him to the point of stomach aches. I miss him so bad. The rain keeps falling, but the rainbow's gone.

 

I wish my OM had said anything at all about reconnecting. He didn't. He was probably so tired of being on the hook so long.

 

I know if I talked to him, I'd be literally high. Then, we'd be back to where we were, and maybe deeper. We'd be longing for things we can't have.

 

 

Hang in there. You know what is right, stick to it.

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