kiababy Posted June 23, 2004 Share Posted June 23, 2004 If you are an OW, or maybe even an OM, you might find the link below eye-opening - and scary. http://mysticcat.angelcities.com/reladdict.html Link to post Share on other sites
abyssalsmile Posted June 23, 2004 Share Posted June 23, 2004 Kia read your link not bad. Oh Yeah I fall in the love addiction category unfortunately. This is so bad it like I need this lust/love affair . I wish I had the willpower to end it but its so hard he is so good to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kiababy Posted June 23, 2004 Author Share Posted June 23, 2004 The link came from Enigma - I can't take credit for it But I hope it helps you put things in perspective. When I read it I felt ill. My relationship is a lot sicker than I thought. He's good to me too....in a way. But the underlying stuff is so wrong! If you want to, read my last post under the thread "I Need Help Ending an Affair". After I reread what I had written I couldn't believe it was my life I was describing. It doesn't seem that bad when we're talking or together. Link to post Share on other sites
abyssalsmile Posted June 23, 2004 Share Posted June 23, 2004 read your post yeah you are right doing it is different then when you really write about it. You start really thinking wow iots like that.My situation is somewhat similiar with MM we get along and I honestly think its the sex. I told him that what I needed to forget about him and move on is probably get f*ck by someone else all he had to say was " ya they can f*ck you all good but can they maintain it for 3-1/2 years." And you know what I really dont think anyone can. Ok that was mean of me maybe its not just sex cause we are like best friends to we talk to each other everyday and we do talk about other things to . How are things with your MM??? Link to post Share on other sites
Nubianangel Posted June 23, 2004 Share Posted June 23, 2004 Great post! I realized I fall under a lot of those categories. I've also come to realize that my choice in men is a direct reflection of my relationship with my dad. He was emotionally and physically unavailable and inaccessible but when I was in his presence he made me feel like a princess. Over the years, I've found myself with men who possess these same characteristics. It's almost like I gravitate towards these men and they to me. I may have come off cocky yesterday and don't get me wrong I AM happy with my 'taken' man BUT there have been nights where I felt lonely. The feeling didn't last long because I've lived this way since I was a little girl. It's something I'm used to and I've become accustomed to that. I guess that's why being in this situation doesn't bother me as much as I suppose it should. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kiababy Posted June 24, 2004 Author Share Posted June 24, 2004 Abyssal....I hear you honey, but don't think that finding another man will necessarily 'cure' you either. I do see other men, two quite regularly....I'm attracted to them and I care about them but they're almost like 'placeholders' that fulfill my needs when HE'S not around. I'm ashamed to say that anytime I have a date planned and MM calls - I cancel the date immediately and spend the time with him instead. He loves it and laughs at the plight of the other men who try to date me. Nubianangel....I am soooo happy that you were able to gain some insights from the 'Love Addiction' link. I feel like you do: that I'm the happiest woman in the world because I have him in my life...but it's not real....it feels soooooo good when I'm with him I could just CRY....but it's an escape, away to avoid the real pain going on in my life. That information opened my eyes to a lot of things and a lot of memories came back to me...things I recall from my past that I never thought had any importance. If I am not able to end my affair tomorrow or the next or the next.........at least I am ON MY WAY to taking back control of this situation instead of allowing him to dominate me. If your guy breaks up with his girlfriend (or fiance?) can you see yourself with him in a real relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted June 24, 2004 Share Posted June 24, 2004 You know, I don't really identify with most of the things stated. I don't have abandonment issues. I don't feel that I need a partner to be complete. I may have an "insatiable" sexual appetite but that is because I'm what you call "horny". Well who isn't. I like sex. Feeling detached from my family-well I'm not sure but I DO live far away-I'm not frantic, I KNOW sex does not equal love-it's just that after 6 months I happened to just develop STRONG feelings. Not even from the sex, but from the regular emailing. We even went on a road trip to another town together (his idea) and when his wife went out of town he made plans for an entire evening.... I don't think I have a love addiction. I think that I foolishly placed my feelings on someone who does not deserve or reciprocate them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kiababy Posted June 24, 2004 Author Share Posted June 24, 2004 O.K. honey, then you're much healthier than me! What's the situation now, are you O.K.? Is he still emailing you? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted June 24, 2004 Share Posted June 24, 2004 Thanks for the link though, I think everyone can remember a relationship where some of those factors were evident-he contacted me again on Monday as if all were normal and we were buds, thanking me for doing some little favours before he split-and I replied. I had to. I pretty much told him I couldn't be "friends" and that he didn't deserve me as a friend or a lover-and that I wasn't sure if I wanted to kick him or kiss him. I don't have much to lose with him at this point, so that doesn't bother me but it's like every time he contacts me I feel it strips away some of the "power" I've been working so hard to regain. If someone has clearly expressed that the sexual relationship is over WHY is he still contacting me? Is it control? Ego? Does he not know he's torturing me-maybe he needs to keep feeling he has the ability to make me come running. I wasn't entirely sure he hadn't developed SOME kind of feelings for me, but my buddy said don't kid yourself.....Of course my own mind would like to think that, and that he misses the contact with me. Link to post Share on other sites
Nubianangel Posted June 24, 2004 Share Posted June 24, 2004 If your guy breaks up with his girlfriend (or fiance?) can you see yourself with him in a real relationship? Great question Kia, I thought a lot about that and my answer would be NO. While I am in love with him and have entertained the thought of being his 'one and only', I know I'm not ready for a one-on-one relationship at this time in my life. It was a hard truth to realize and admit but it's my truth nonetheless. I love the fact that I have my space and when I need that closeness he has been available. Keeping him at arms length works for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kiababy Posted June 24, 2004 Author Share Posted June 24, 2004 Spock, he must be missing the friendship he had with you? Didn't you call yourself 'goofy girl' once? A few guys have told me that a woman that can make them laugh is a huge turn-on, because a woman who is sexy, smart AND funny is rare. Nubianangel, it seems you came to terms with your childhood a long time ago. I guess I'm the one with the most issues here, not nice to face that fact but I can still identify with a lot of what you're saying. I still think these relationships are a form of addiction. Before this I used to see a guy who was separated on and off - the 'on' part I didn't know until his wife filed for divorce for other reasons. You'd think I would be jumping up and down that he's finally free...uh-uh....I can't handle the drama of his situation now that he's facing all of the crap that goes along with the divorce process. ....and I'm petrified that my current MM will one day leave his wife...correction - she will get tired of his sh*t and dump him. You know what? He demands so much attention....I feel like he would suck the life right out of me. Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted June 24, 2004 Share Posted June 24, 2004 kiababy, Based on your other posts, it seems as though your MM is wanting to get caught. I have no idea why - unless the separate life is tiring and getting old for him. Be careful that you let him know how you feel - that you don't want him moving in, etc.. BTW, I think he has already sucked the life out of you. He possesses your thoughts, is unable to 'date' you (in public) and prevents you from feeling things for other, available men. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kiababy Posted June 24, 2004 Author Share Posted June 24, 2004 He's soooo needy....sometimes when we're talking on the phone and I say something nice about him he'll keep saying "..pardon me, I didn't hear you....", and after I've repeated it a couple of times he'll say "I heard you the first time, I just wanted to hear you tell me a few more times". And I agree that deep down he does want to get caught - wanting pictures taken of him, telling his boss about me and asking me to leave messages on his cell that he can play for other people!!!!! I don't get it. I've turned him down every time he's called me drunk in the middle of the night to please 'come and get him', but I wonder what would happen if I DID bring him home with me? I wonder how he would explain to his wife the next day where he was? He is definitely a handfull - I know I couldn't handle him full-time! Oh, and the latest? Now he doesn't like me dating other men and would like me to get a.......brace yourself....GIRLFRIEND instread! Not just any girl mind you....she must be a female version of him - tall, blond, muscular, but not toooo muscular, she should be feminine too. yes, we really had that conversation. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted June 24, 2004 Share Posted June 24, 2004 I'm worried about you kia. This sounds so unhealthy. He is draining you. The relationship is draining you. I am unsure what advice to offer. I was reading up on ivillage and there was one thing about the 3 types of affairs, the one niter, the mistress and the "I want out". I think he's at the I want out. Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted June 24, 2004 Share Posted June 24, 2004 What gall this guy has. I can't see why you want this guy. This guy is a liar, cheater, lacks class, full of himself, immature and NOW thinks he can tell you what to do. Kick him to the curb. Link to post Share on other sites
Nubianangel Posted June 24, 2004 Share Posted June 24, 2004 Nubianangel, it seems you came to terms with your childhood a long time ago. I guess I'm the one with the most issues here, not nice to face that fact but I can still identify with a lot of what you're saying. I still think these relationships are a form of addiction. Kiababy, I am not perfect and neither is my situation. I've been where you are at countless times. I've felt drained, I've felt hopeless and helpless. I am certainly a work in progress and it hasn't been an easy pill to swallow knowing that a committed relationship is something I may never experience. You are absolutely right, this is a form of addiction. An addiction that provides something for me or I wouldn't be involved in it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kiababy Posted June 24, 2004 Author Share Posted June 24, 2004 I know, I know, it's pretty sick right? I think my 'symptoms' are getting worse too - yesterday, for the first time, I did not go straight home after work. I waited for an hour so I could meet him in a park. He keeps having this fantasy that he has kidnapped me, so he wanted to play it out yesterday - complete with locking me in the back of his van and driving around for a few minutes..........he's dominant, and all of his recent fantasies revolve around him taking me away somewhere, keeping me tied up and locked up. NO - he's not really going to do it! He's happy just pretending to do it. And he's not violent during these encounters at all, always asking me if 'I'm O.K.' ...it's just rough sex play, that's all. This is all new stuff that's been happening in the last few months - like I said when I first started posting... something's going on........things keep changing ... If ANY OTHER GUY in my life acted like him he would have been gone in a week. I'm the dominant one in every other relationship. I call all the shots. But......things keep escalating....and I can't stop....... Link to post Share on other sites
Author kiababy Posted June 24, 2004 Author Share Posted June 24, 2004 I just reread my last post - it sounds scary but it really isn't!!!!!!! I don't want you to think he's some kind of sicko out to hurt me, he's just a bored married guy who wants to try things he wouldn't think of asking for at home; and I'm a formerly bored ex-housewife who had an incredibly dull sex life and wants to try some excitement. I think that's entirely different from the underlying issues of why I'm having an affair with him. I swear there is no pain going on - I promise! Link to post Share on other sites
abyssalsmile Posted June 24, 2004 Share Posted June 24, 2004 an answer to your question from your last post No I would not want to be the other girlfriend or be with him seriously. I am able to go on with someone else . You see I see only a image of the good things with him not ever the bad things because I dont have to deal with it.And I really dont. That is what the Wife is for. Sound like some crazy good sex you have!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author kiababy Posted June 24, 2004 Author Share Posted June 24, 2004 Link to post Share on other sites
Author kiababy Posted June 25, 2004 Author Share Posted June 25, 2004 Please allow me to share one of the proudest moments of my life: last night at my 13 year-old son's Grade 8 Graduation, he won the Science award and an Honour Roll Award. He was also voted most likely to become a Scientist - which is his dream. This is total vindication for me, to those of you on this forum who assumed I must be a BAD MOTHER, and also to my own mother and my ex-husband, both of whom were sure I would FAIL on my own. Thank you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted June 25, 2004 Share Posted June 25, 2004 I'm happy Kia!!! I never thought you were a bad mom Link to post Share on other sites
Nubianangel Posted June 25, 2004 Share Posted June 25, 2004 *APPLAUDING FOR YOU* WTG! I have a 7 year old son, he graduated from 1st grade and received awards in reading, homework and art. His teacher has also recommended he be tested to find out if he's a genius or not. I am definitely proud! A lot of people assume that when you're doing something considered "wrong" then obviously you're doing everything else the "wrong" way including rearing children. Like a lot of OW who are parents, my son is not privy to my personal life. I keep the two separate, he's never met my 'taken' guy and probably never will. Until I find the "one" and we're headed for a future together, that's when my son will meet that person and hopefully build a relationship with him. Again, good job! Link to post Share on other sites
Author kiababy Posted June 25, 2004 Author Share Posted June 25, 2004 Spock, you and I have been each other's biggest supporters from day one so I know you never thought anything negative about my parenting skills, but back when I was still in 'attack mode' lol.....one of the posters said she 'pitied' my children for having a mom like me, and then the one that drives me insane - "you don't love your children if you....." grrrrrrr....... Nubianangel, you're right - the people who DON'T KNOW OUR STORIES, and have based their judgements on what they have seen of the stereotypical 'mistress' from the movies - you know the type, the glamorous totally vacuous spoiled girl living in a penthouse, only after the man's money - have decided we can't do anything right. They can't conceive that we might be good moms...or Dads, whatever the case may be. I'm in total agreement with you - I don't introduce my two younger children to anybody I date/see, whatever. When I'm home I'm mom, and that's it. I only give out my cell number so there is no chance a guy can leave any questionable messages on my home phone. My adult daughter knows I date but nothing about my MM. Yes, this also falls into one of the 'Love Addiction' symptoms: having a secret life. Again let me stress: I am not justifying or saying my affair with a married man is O.K. It is never O.K., but I am in this situation right now and trying to deal with it. Link to post Share on other sites
otherwomen Posted July 6, 2004 Share Posted July 6, 2004 Originally posted by kiababy If you are an OW, or maybe even an OM, you might find the link below eye-opening - and scary. http://mysticcat.angelcities.com/reladdict.html ] Hi Kiababy... Wow, that right on the money. That is me. I hate that. How the hell do I change that? I just have never felt loved loved, know what I mean? In HS the guys wanted me for sex, because my BF told them I was a good lay. And I popular and the most attractive girl in the class. Not to be conceited. But I hated being pretty in HS and popular, it had its drawbacks. Anyway..... I'm still very very very sad. I miss my ex mm. I miss our friendship, but we will never have one. I told him not to email me anymore, I don't want to have a computer between us anymore. I had to do that. In regards to our daughter, I did email him pics of her. But I never got a response if he still wanted me to send them occasionally. So I'm not going to do it anymore, I hate looking and feeling like a jackass. I'm sad about that. But I don't want it out in the open. So I'll just have to live like this forever. It hurts. Link to post Share on other sites
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