New and my situation

[123Sassygirl]

Hi, I'm new here and found this site while googling about how to end my affair. Sad that I feel compelled to use google to end my affair....I wish I knew how to be strong enough to just do it on my own.

 

How do you stop it?? My affair started September 2012. He is an exboyfriend who I had not seen in 9 years. We had dated for just over a year but were not exclusive at that time....we were dating others and each met the people who would later turn out to be our spouses at the tail end of our dating time together. Basically at that point he and I were just getting together because we have amazing chemistry together and its the best sex either of us had. We ended up finding more of the "relationshipy' qualities in our new partners and moved on. Flash forward to 2009...found each other on FB and became FB friends. Limited polite chatting consisted of catching up with where our lives were and that was it. Then sept 2012 I needed painting advice (he owns his own company) and of course I think of him and email him a few questions.....he emails back and then it turns flirty and then he proposes we get together at our old meeting place (we live an hour apart and used to meet at a hotel halfway between). I think about it (for all of five seconds) and agree. We then start seeing each other monthly and texting in between. Looking back, it was always me that initiated the texting and they were always dirty texts. During this time he tells me that had an affair on his wife three years earlier with another previous ex and that he also posted an ad on an adult website looking to find an affair about two years ago and that ad is still up to this day though he agreed he would only see me for the duration of our affair. Things started crumbling between us around March/April when his mother became ill and his wife took time off work so that they could provide palliative care in their home. Of course we would see each other less. Then I have been through a surgery and again, have not seen him. I texted him something dirty and his wife read it....normally she doesn't touch his phone but was near it when it went off......he made up a story and created a string of emails that went with it (basically making it look like I have been trying to flirt with him and he is not going for it) and she believed him.

During that time I ended up deciding that I could not take the angst anymore. I love him. I don't know why I do, but I think I always have. I keep wishing we would have worked things out and stayed together 9 years ago. I shared my feelings with him and told him that I cannot continue. He said that he has feelings for me as well but that he loves her and their relationship and he has no intention of changing his situation. I managed to go two weeks without messaging him but then I caved...of course our emails (we can no longer text, only email, according to him as he is afraid she will see his texts)....turned dirty quickly and I left the last message saying that yes, I wanted to set up a playdate and now I have not heard from him. Its now the weekend and I won't hear from him all weekend as she will be home with him.

I know I need to end this. Its causing me too much angst and I will never have my love returned. How do I end it?? How to I go to NC and stick to it? Thanks to anyone who actually read through this long mess and I am wanting to hear any and all advice.

[Pierre]

Hi, I'm new here and found this site while googling about how to end my affair. Sad that I feel compelled to use google to end my affair....I wish I knew how to be strong enough to just do it on my own.

 

How do you stop it?? My affair started September 2012. He is an exboyfriend who I had not seen in 9 years. We had dated for just over a year but were not exclusive at that time....we were dating others and each met the people who would later turn out to be our spouses at the tail end of our dating time together. Basically at that point he and I were just getting together because we have amazing chemistry together and its the best sex either of us had. We ended up finding more of the "relationshipy' qualities in our new partners and moved on. Flash forward to 2009...found each other on FB and became FB friends. Limited polite chatting consisted of catching up with where our lives were and that was it. Then sept 2012 I needed painting advice (he owns his own company) and of course I think of him and email him a few questions.....he emails back and then it turns flirty and then he proposes we get together at our old meeting place (we live an hour apart and used to meet at a hotel halfway between). I think about it (for all of five seconds) and agree. We then start seeing each other monthly and texting in between. Looking back, it was always me that initiated the texting and they were always dirty texts. During this time he tells me that had an affair on his wife three years earlier with another previous ex and that he also posted an ad on an adult website looking to find an affair about two years ago and that ad is still up to this day though he agreed he would only see me for the duration of our affair. Things started crumbling between us around March/April when his mother became ill and his wife took time off work so that they could provide palliative care in their home. Of course we would see each other less. Then I have been through a surgery and again, have not seen him. I texted him something dirty and his wife read it....normally she doesn't touch his phone but was near it when it went off......he made up a story and created a string of emails that went with it (basically making it look like I have been trying to flirt with him and he is not going for it) and she believed him.

During that time I ended up deciding that I could not take the angst anymore. I love him. I don't know why I do, but I think I always have. I keep wishing we would have worked things out and stayed together 9 years ago. I shared my feelings with him and told him that I cannot continue. He said that he has feelings for me as well but that he loves her and their relationship and he has no intention of changing his situation. I managed to go two weeks without messaging him but then I caved...of course our emails (we can no longer text, only email, according to him as he is afraid she will see his texts)....turned dirty quickly and I left the last message saying that yes, I wanted to set up a playdate and now I have not heard from him. Its now the weekend and I won't hear from him all weekend as she will be home with him.

I know I need to end this. Its causing me too much angst and I will never have my love returned. How do I end it?? How to I go to NC and stick to it? Thanks to anyone who actually read through this long mess and I am wanting to hear any and all advice.

 

The guy is a philanderer. You should be thankful the two of you did not get married way back then.

 

You love him and he loves you, but this is affair love. Same symptoms, but no commitment.

 

I suggest you divorce your H so you can pursue happiness. Most women that have affairs are very unhappy in the marriage. Get a divorce and find another guy.

 

Stop talking to this man right away.

[123Sassygirl]

The guy is a philanderer. You should be thankful the two of you did not get married way back then.

 

You love him and he loves you, but this is affair love. Same symptoms, but no commitment.

 

I suggest you divorce your H so you can pursue happiness. Most women that have affairs are very unhappy in the marriage. Get a divorce and find another guy.

 

Stop talking to this man right away.

 

I realize all of this....its just very difficult to stop the emotion and cut off all contact even though that is completely necessary. I know he is a philanderer...I know I will not be his last affair. I also know that he does not love me at all. He likes me. He loves our chemistry, but he doesn't love me....I believe he only told me in the end that he "had feelings for me" because he wanted to leave a little bait on the hook.

 

Logically I know this is ridiculous. I wish I could be repelled by him, knowing that he does not care for me, knowing that he could easily end things and move on to the next affair. I have strong moments where I realize I need to stop but then I get all ridiculously weak and want to be with him again.

 

I started counseling with a psychologist last week. My marriage may eventually end in divorce but I want to see if I can work on myself to make things better. He is a great husband but the sex just doesn't compare.

 

Sorry for all my blathering. I realize it just looks like excuse making. I just wish I had the strength to cut off all contact but the minute I think of deleting my email and blocking him from BBM I feel sick to my stomach.

[JustAReformedGirl]

If I could hug you, I would. I'm so sorry you found yourself in this situation. Yes, infidelity is wrong...but the emotions (at least yours) are real, and even though that doesn't excuse the affair, it's not hard to see why it happened.

 

There is no worldly advice I can give; I'm in the thick of my own mess, and though it's not the same as yours, I don't think there's a single piece of advice I could give you that would make it easier, that would make you hurt less.

 

What I can say is this: keep up with the therapy. You're already making a good choice, in that regard. Work toward either fixing or ending your marriage (the latter seems to be more the case) and once that's taken care of, figure out what you want for yourself.

 

I truly hope you stop hurting, and find a happy conclusion from all of this.

[123Sassygirl]

If I could hug you, I would. I'm so sorry you found yourself in this situation. Yes, infidelity is wrong...but the emotions (at least yours) are real, and even though that doesn't excuse the affair, it's not hard to see why it happened.

 

There is no worldly advice I can give; I'm in the thick of my own mess, and though it's not the same as yours, I don't think there's a single piece of advice I could give you that would make it easier, that would make you hurt less.

 

What I can say is this: keep up with the therapy. You're already making a good choice, in that regard. Work toward either fixing or ending your marriage (the latter seems to be more the case) and once that's taken care of, figure out what you want for yourself.

 

I truly hope you stop hurting, and find a happy conclusion from all of this.

 

Thank you so much! I'm hoping to feel stronger as time goes on and cut all contact all together. I'm definitely going to keep going with the therapy.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Thank you so much! I'm hoping to feel stronger as time goes on and cut all contact all together. I'm definitely going to keep going with the therapy.

 

Not a problem. Be patient with yourself through it all; it may take a few false starts before you're ready. If you struggle with no contact, don't be too hard on yourself. I'm sure you will get stronger with time, and more importantly, you will come out happier on the other side.

[Pierre]

I realize all of this....its just very difficult to stop the emotion and cut off all contact even though that is completely necessary. I know he is a philanderer...I know I will not be his last affair. I also know that he does not love me at all. He likes me. He loves our chemistry, but he doesn't love me....I believe he only told me in the end that he "had feelings for me" because he wanted to leave a little bait on the hook.

 

Logically I know this is ridiculous. I wish I could be repelled by him, knowing that he does not care for me, knowing that he could easily end things and move on to the next affair. I have strong moments where I realize I need to stop but then I get all ridiculously weak and want to be with him again.

 

I started counseling with a psychologist last week. My marriage may eventually end in divorce but I want to see if I can work on myself to make things better. He is a great husband but the sex just doesn't compare.

 

Sorry for all my blathering. I realize it just looks like excuse making. I just wish I had the strength to cut off all contact but the minute I think of deleting my email and blocking him from BBM I feel sick to my stomach.

 

You have good insight and still fall for this guy. You know the pitfalls and still do the behaviors. You must really need men like him. And to make matters worse you picked a non-player to be your husband hoping things would work out. However, I suspect you only like the cheating player types.

 

What a dilemma. Leave your H right away. You married him without actually loving him. Is that the life you want?

 

Figure out why you are attracted to the cheating player types?

[Artie Lang]

i agree with Pierre.

 

you should divorce your husband, as it seems those romantic feelings for him are just not there anymore. you are holding this man hostage until you feel you've "worked on yourself" enough to let go- STOP! you are being selfish.

 

 

furthermore, you seem content with being a side dish for this OM because he makes you see stars every time you bed him. is that all you see yourself as?

[Ladydrib]

The guy is a philanderer. You should be thankful the two of you did not get married way back then.

 

You love him and he loves you, but this is affair love. Same symptoms, but no commitment.

 

I suggest you divorce your H so you can pursue happiness. Most women that have affairs are very unhappy in the marriage. Get a divorce and find another guy.

 

Stop talking to this man right away.

 

I agree with this.

 

Also be happy that the MM was up front with you that he has no intention of leaving. Mine told me he was leaving. That makes it even harder to end because you keep holding on just in case he's telling the truth. So take advantage of the fact that he said he will not be available. You know you want more from him. Accept it is not possible and do not talk to him again.

 

Also, like Pierre said, you should probably leave your husband.

[Ladydrib]

I realize all of this....its just very difficult to stop the emotion and cut off all contact even though that is completely necessary. I know he is a philanderer...I know I will not be his last affair. I also know that he does not love me at all. He likes me. He loves our chemistry, but he doesn't love me....I believe he only told me in the end that he "had feelings for me" because he wanted to leave a little bait on the hook.

 

Logically I know this is ridiculous. I wish I could be repelled by him, knowing that he does not care for me, knowing that he could easily end things and move on to the next affair. I have strong moments where I realize I need to stop but then I get all ridiculously weak and want to be with him again.

 

I started counseling with a psychologist last week. My marriage may eventually end in divorce but I want to see if I can work on myself to make things better. He is a great husband but the sex just doesn't compare.

 

Sorry for all my blathering. I realize it just looks like excuse making. I just wish I had the strength to cut off all contact but the minute I think of deleting my email and blocking him from BBM I feel sick to my stomach.

 

Everything you say you feel in this post is exactly the same thoughts and feelings I had. I wish I could help you. Unfortuaney it's probably going to get really ugly before you can get out. Feel free to message me if you ever need to talk.

[Pierre]

 

Also, like Pierre said, you should probably leave your husband.

 

I think the OP is better suited for a player type like the OM. A calm good man like her H is too boring for her. I am certain OP never loved her H, but married him anyway. This story has been poster in the forum many times before and that is why the two of you have so much in common.

 

I think IC is needed to figure out why OP likes players. The answer is obvious from her post, but she needs the counseling.

[123Sassygirl]

Thanks everyone for the feedback.

 

Pierre, I have started IC and my 2nd session is tomorrow.

 

I do appreciate reading everyone's point of view and advice. And seeing the advice that people have given to others is also helpful in strengthening my resolve to end the affair.

 

Saturday I sent him an email saying that I needed to leave him alone, it needed to just end. I sent the email then deleted that email account. I also deleted him from BBM. I initially felt good about my decision....kind of like I was no longer a slave to my email or phone. That's a hard part of the affair....waiting for the contact....hoping for the contact. So sad. I assumed that would be it...that it would be no further contact as really, to contact me would mean work on his end and I didn't anticipate any effort on his part.

 

He then messaged me on FB (we are not friend on FB) and he sent me an email to my personal email account....its one I've had for 10+ years...and not "private'....my husband has my passwords etc. He told me he doesn't want me to stop contact....he wants my old email set back up and he attempted to re-add me to bbm.

 

I told him I would not be setting the old account as this needed to end and having a private way to contact him was making it hard to stop. He acknowelged that this does need to end some time but that he wanted to see me one last time.

 

I'm not going to lie....this had me fluttering in all the right places.....as he knew it would....and I did flirt back. I refuse to arrange a meeting and I am not setting up the private email...I believe he won't email me again through my other long term email address as its the one I use for everything and he knows he'd be risking my husband accessing it.

 

I know I shouidnt have ended up flirting back. And I'm going to share all of this with my therapist. Its been three days of NC and I am just hoping I can stay strong and continue NC.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Don't be too hard on yourself; yes, it was a slight lapse. The flirting is probably the worst part of that, which really tells you something; you haven't done too badly. A lot of people fall into worst pitfalls, and still manage to be successful in NC.

 

In other words, you have a good chance of success, too.

 

What you need to do is draw from this experience; do everything you can to avoid falling into that flirtatious pattern with him again. I know you must have really need some emotional gratification...but remember, the emotional gratification you get from him is short-lived and worse still? It brings more pain, once it's over.

 

I wish you the best in maintaining NC; remember, you deserve better than this situation with him.

[Sarabi]

Thank you so much! I'm hoping to feel stronger as time goes on and cut all contact all together. I'm definitely going to keep going with the therapy.

 

I don't know how other people feel/felt, or how you feel but I think the NC thing is one of those things that feels right when you are finally ready to do it. If that makes sense:confused:? You just know.

You know exactly when you are ready for it to end and whilst the whole thing is truly hideous, you know that you won't really lapse and check your phone or email or be as tempted to get back in touch or contact him...

Just my thoughts. I don't think its something someone can tell you "you must cut off contact with him now"...I think when you feel ready to do it, it will happen.

& don't beat yourself up if you do break it. It almost seems like a natural progression. To go NC a few times and break it before you finally go NC for good.

[findingnemo]

Sassy,

 

Total NC is your best bet. Don't even see it as a way to avoid hearing from him or avoid thinking about him. It doesn't do that. He may continue trying to communicate. Make a decision to sort YOU out. This means MOM is out!! It means you analyze your M. You decide if things between you and your H can be improved and how that can happen. In therapy it may turn out that you need to be open about this with your H so that you can start a more honest R with him. Who knows? And that's the point of NC. To figure yourself out in your case.

 

As for why you are attracted to MOM who is a philanderer? I know some men who are actually good people. I mean they are normally fair, hard working, etc. and yet, they have affairs...and love their Ws. For most of them I've come to believe that there is a sexual incompatibility and that they have failed (as couples) to find a solution to this. I have heard of women who cheat because of this. They just give up on discussing, pleading for change and whatever else they have attempted to improve their sex lives. They also can't just up and divorce because of sex when all else is good. And they absolutely can't imagine bringing up an open marriage with their partner.

 

This kind of person, man or woman, chooses to either stay M and fight his or her urges, or divorce and find someone compatible. Those who stay hoping to control their urges are vulnerable to As. Some even have them with intent and justify it because of the lack of or very little sex at home. This may be why your MOM is a philanderer. So you may be attracted to other things about him. It is the philandering that bothers you even when you yourself are now in an A with him.

 

You need NC not as a way to end the A as much as a way to find yourself in this mess. The A is a symptom of an unhappy M as Pierre said. The unhappy M and your inability to properly identify a solution made you vulnerable to an A. You don't like yourself because it goes against your values and you definitely don't like MOM because he is a philanderer.

 

That's just my opinion though. I could have misread something. I do hope that you find help in IC.

[123Sassygirl]

Sassy,

 

Total NC is your best bet. Don't even see it as a way to avoid hearing from him or avoid thinking about him. It doesn't do that. He may continue trying to communicate. Make a decision to sort YOU out. This means MOM is out!! It means you analyze your M. You decide if things between you and your H can be improved and how that can happen. In therapy it may turn out that you need to be open about this with your H so that you can start a more honest R with him. Who knows? And that's the point of NC. To figure yourself out in your case.

 

As for why you are attracted to MOM who is a philanderer? I know some men who are actually good people. I mean they are normally fair, hard working, etc. and yet, they have affairs...and love their Ws. For most of them I've come to believe that there is a sexual incompatibility and that they have failed (as couples) to find a solution to this. I have heard of women who cheat because of this. They just give up on discussing, pleading for change and whatever else they have attempted to improve their sex lives. They also can't just up and divorce because of sex when all else is good. And they absolutely can't imagine bringing up an open marriage with their partner.

 

This kind of person, man or woman, chooses to either stay M and fight his or her urges, or divorce and find someone compatible. Those who stay hoping to control their urges are vulnerable to As. Some even have them with intent and justify it because of the lack of or very little sex at home. This may be why your MOM is a philanderer. So you may be attracted to other things about him. It is the philandering that bothers you even when you yourself are now in an A with him.

 

You need NC not as a way to end the A as much as a way to find yourself in this mess. The A is a symptom of an unhappy M as Pierre said. The unhappy M and your inability to properly identify a solution made you vulnerable to an A. You don't like yourself because it goes against your values and you definitely don't like MOM because he is a philanderer.

 

That's just my opinion though. I could have misread something. I do hope that you find help in IC.

 

Actually, you have hit the nail on the head.....you clearly did not misread anything! lol. Thank you so much for all of this.