want out Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 I've never done this b4 but need to let it out. I've been having an affair with my bro-in-law for 2 years. We love each other deeply but it is just too complicated. We have always been discreet and nobody ever suspects. I want out. I'm soo unhappy...my husband and I have had a good talk and I hope we will work through our problems. He doesn't know and I chose not to tell him in order to not ruin my brother-in -law's marriage also. It's so hard...it's very fresh and I miss him so much....I so want to put this behind me but need help for some of you since I cannot talk to anyone about this. I know it's wrong....you don't need to tell me that. I just want support and encouragement so I can get through this and be happy again. I'm avoiding him at all costs but it's hard because he is family and I can't not attend every single family function. Please help me stay on the right track. Link to post Share on other sites
NotCamelot Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 I'm not sure what kind of answers you are looking for. But, if you want to succeed then all has to be told.....everything. Including telling the Bro-n-law's wife as well. And this is not going to be easy. You can get a lot of advice here......lots good, some not so good. But I think everyone is going to say this: full truth and total transparency are required if you are ever going to be happy with your spouse. Secrecy is STILL betrayal. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 I've never done this b4 but need to let it out. I've been having an affair with my bro-in-law for 2 years. We love each other deeply but it is just too complicated. We have always been discreet and nobody ever suspects. I want out. I'm soo unhappy...my husband and I have had a good talk and I hope we will work through our problems. He doesn't know and I chose not to tell him in order to not ruin my brother-in -law's marriage also. It's so hard...it's very fresh and I miss him so much....I so want to put this behind me but need help for some of you since I cannot talk to anyone about this. I know it's wrong....you don't need to tell me that. I just want support and encouragement so I can get through this and be happy again. I'm avoiding him at all costs but it's hard because he is family and I can't not attend every single family function. Please help me stay on the right track. Is he your husband's brother or your sister's husband? I'm overwhelmed thinking about it to be honest.... I don't think it's as easy as getting over it and being happy again. I know your ideal is no one ever finds out and you just go on to be happy...but I don't know about that. There is a lot here to deal with and I think lots of it will have to start with marriage counseling/honesty. Link to post Share on other sites
Author want out Posted July 31, 2013 Author Share Posted July 31, 2013 he is my husband's sister's husband Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 Now YOU truly have a situation unlike most here. (Sorry, inside joke. Everyone seems to come on saying their's is different.) Do you live local/nearby to your BIL? I would think being family, unless you're not local, it would make limited or no contact VERY difficult. I'm not sure this IS possible without putting the cards out on the table and seeking out counseling. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 Now YOU truly have a situation unlike most here. (Sorry, inside joke. Everyone seems to come on saying their's is different.) Do you live local/nearby to your BIL? I would think being family, unless you're not local, it would make limited or no contact VERY difficult. I'm not sure this IS possible without putting the cards out on the table and seeking out counseling. Me either... I can't see how it would even work without being upfront with your husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Moper Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 I've never done this b4 but need to let it out. I've been having an affair with my bro-in-law for 2 years. We love each other deeply but it is just too complicated. We have always been discreet and nobody ever suspects. I want out. I'm soo unhappy...my husband and I have had a good talk and I hope we will work through our problems. He doesn't know and I chose not to tell him in order to not ruin my brother-in -law's marriage also. It's so hard...it's very fresh and I miss him so much....I so want to put this behind me but need help for some of you since I cannot talk to anyone about this. I know it's wrong....you don't need to tell me that. I just want support and encouragement so I can get through this and be happy again. I'm avoiding him at all costs but it's hard because he is family and I can't not attend every single family function. Please help me stay on the right track. Get counseling. Understand though that the answer is within you. A.good counselor will hell you find that answer and too you will benefit from taking that positive step. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 You haven't spoken much about your own husband. Rest assured, you will not be able to have true intimacy with him if you keep such a huge secret between you. The fact is that there really is no easy way out. Your best shot of everyone eventually reaching a healthy place is to come clean with your husband. Be honest and take your lumps. And yes, you run a high risk of exposure for the other couple. Link to post Share on other sites
Author want out Posted August 1, 2013 Author Share Posted August 1, 2013 yes, he lives nearby.... and here's another fact....he works for my husband ....so he would lose his family and his job. I just can't get myself to do that to him. My husband is a good man....although a workaholic and not affectionate at all. I fell into a trap but I am ready to live with the guilt if I have to...because I think ruining my BIL's life and his family's life would be worst. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted August 1, 2013 Share Posted August 1, 2013 This is the section for this WW to be in. She wants to end her affair and recover her marriage. People on the OW section are going to sell her on her affair is just ok. So be guilt free and keep doing the OM/BIL. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted August 1, 2013 Share Posted August 1, 2013 want out, you danced now you have to pay the band. Your BH deserves the truth. You want to recover your marriage then you must tell your BH. Do not trickle truth your BH. Answers all of his questions truthfully. Nothing will derail a recovery and lead to divorce the withholding the truth from a BH. Stop making your BH live a lie. Stop having your BH make life decisions based on a lie. You must have NC with your OM/BIL. It is a known fact that cheaters are apt to restart their affairs when contact between the affair partners continues. Your BH must be told so he can protect himself from his back stabbing brother. You telling the BH that his brother having an affair will not get his brother fired. His brother got himself fired for banging his brother's WW. Your BH needs to know so that he can verify that NC is in place 100% of the time. The OMW needs the truth as well for many of the same reasons as your BH. BH's parents need to be exposed so they know what happened and why there must be NC between you and their other son/OM/BIL/WH. You want this wound that you created to heal then you must clean it out with the truth. Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. It will guide you through all of the steps needed for you and your BH to recovery your marriage and wind up having a better marriage then pre affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Lady2163 Posted August 1, 2013 Share Posted August 1, 2013 I've never done this b4 but need to let it out. I've been having an affair with my bro-in-law for 2 years. We love each other deeply but it is just too complicated. We have always been discreet and nobody ever suspects. I want out. I'm soo unhappy...my husband and I have had a good talk and I hope we will work through our problems. He doesn't know and I chose not to tell him in order to not ruin my brother-in -law's marriage also. It's so hard...it's very fresh and I miss him so much....I so want to put this behind me but need help for some of you since I cannot talk to anyone about this. I know it's wrong....you don't need to tell me that. I just want support and encouragement so I can get through this and be happy again. I'm avoiding him at all costs but it's hard because he is family and I can't not attend every single family function. Please help me stay on the right track. Wantout - welcome to the forum. I've only been here a few days. I am an OW. My viewpoint is to NOT tell your spouse. I am in the minority. If you are able to end the a affair without telling, that is the route I would take. You made a mistake. A long mistake. If you truly are willing to commit to your marriage, I'm not in lockstep where truth about the affair had to be disclosed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LilGirlandOW Posted August 1, 2013 Share Posted August 1, 2013 Want Out In college my MM's brother had a PA with MM's SO, that was over 20yrs ago and as recently as last week MM wouldn't let his brother alone with me. I say dont tell and get out, you will cause havoc between your husband/ his sister. You and H, AP and W can divorce and move on but they are siblings for life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author want out Posted August 1, 2013 Author Share Posted August 1, 2013 Well, we have been married 22 years so I'm not ready to just ruin my in-laws (they are old and this would hurt them so) . I had been faithful for all of the 20 years...not always happy but I realized that this does not make me happier. Link to post Share on other sites
BlissfullyWhich Posted August 1, 2013 Share Posted August 1, 2013 Just a question. How did you fall in love with him? I know this happens a lot, but how long have you known your BIL and what precipitated the A? Link to post Share on other sites
awkward Posted August 1, 2013 Share Posted August 1, 2013 I hope you do get out. Please go NC. I don't think I can offer you any other advice. I think counseling is a good idea here. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted August 1, 2013 Share Posted August 1, 2013 Well, we have been married 22 years so I'm not ready to just ruin my in-laws (they are old and this would hurt them so) . I had been faithful for all of the 20 years...not always happy but I realized that this does not make me happier. All you are doing is talking here. You must be taking action. Did you even look into the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. If not that is a crime. The book is not expensive. It is low priced. All you are doing is making more excuses. Your inlaw's will not fall on the ground dead upon hearing the news that you and BIL were having an affair. In fact they can be a good source of support to get the BH and their DIL/BW to heal. Besides there is no way around not having NC and that means they have to know why there must be NC. So they do not invite the both of you to the same function. Tell the mods you were wrong to come into the OW forum. You want to get the best help to save your marriage then you need to ask them to move you back to the Infidelity Forum. This section has too many women justifying their affairs. Infidelity is where you will get the support you need. You do not need OW telling you that you do not need NC. Justifying and making excused for the crimes that they did against their BH. Encouraging you to continue to lie to your BH. You say what lie? There are two types of lies. Lie by commission is where you tell a lie to deceive. Then there is lies by omission. Where the guilty party does not tell the truth or leaves out the truth to the other party. You by withholding the truth from your BH is lying. You by withholding the truth you are only protecting yourself. Forcing your BH to live the rest of his life based on a lie is not protecting your BH but condemning him to make life important decisions based on a lie not the truth. Also not only are you letting his brother screw him over by having sex with you. You are letting his brother get away with no consequences. You are denying your BH the right to protect himself from the fox/rat bast ard in his own hen house. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted August 1, 2013 Share Posted August 1, 2013 Just a question. How did you fall in love with him? I know this happens a lot, but how long have you known your BIL and what precipitated the A? Here is an example of the OW help. Does not matter why you made the wrong decision to bang your OM/BIL. There is no justification to have an affair. This is what is meant by you have to own what you did. Time to grow up and take responsibility and tell your BH, OMW, BH's parents. Link to post Share on other sites
Author want out Posted August 1, 2013 Author Share Posted August 1, 2013 He came to me at my weakest point...I had been married 20 years and he had been married 12 years. I fell for all the support and understanding that my husband was not able to give and sex didn't come till much later. He became my safe place to talk. I'm willing to suffer in silence if I have to in order to save both families. Most of you will think I'm a bitch but the price I'm paying now for letting him into my life is huge. Come to think of it, he might have had an agenda back then...not sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted August 1, 2013 Share Posted August 1, 2013 Just tell him its over and limit your contact as much as possible. If you can keep this quiet I think that is your best choice moving forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Author want out Posted August 1, 2013 Author Share Posted August 1, 2013 thank you ....that is what I'm going to try and do. We have 2 family events this weekend and I've given excuses to not attend both. As I get stronger, I think it will get easier. It 's going to take a lot of willpower but I think this way, the only person that will suffer is me. I have communicated with numerous BH that said they would have rather not known. Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted August 1, 2013 Share Posted August 1, 2013 I'm willing to suffer in silence if I have to in order to save both families. how very noble of you..... with a wee bit of martyrdom thrown in for good measure, eh? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted August 1, 2013 Share Posted August 1, 2013 All you are doing is talking here. You must be taking action. Did you even look into the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. If not that is a crime. The book is not expensive. It is low priced. All you are doing is making more excuses. Your inlaw's will not fall on the ground dead upon hearing the news that you and BIL were having an affair. In fact they can be a good source of support to get the BH and their DIL/BW to heal. Besides there is no way around not having NC and that means they have to know why there must be NC. So they do not invite the both of you to the same function. Tell the mods you were wrong to come into the OW forum. You want to get the best help to save your marriage then you need to ask them to move you back to the Infidelity Forum. This section has too many women justifying their affairs. Infidelity is where you will get the support you need. You do not need OW telling you that you do not need NC. Justifying and making excused for the crimes that they did against their BH. Encouraging you to continue to lie to your BH. You say what lie? There are two types of lies. Lie by commission is where you tell a lie to deceive. Then there is lies by omission. Where the guilty party does not tell the truth or leaves out the truth to the other party. You by withholding the truth from your BH is lying. You by withholding the truth you are only protecting yourself. Forcing your BH to live the rest of his life based on a lie is not protecting your BH but condemning him to make life important decisions based on a lie not the truth. Also not only are you letting his brother screw him over by having sex with you. You are letting his brother get away with no consequences. You are denying your BH the right to protect himself from the fox/rat bast ard in his own hen house. Marriage Builders is a for profit, religious group that promotes some seriously unhealthy controlling behaviors and paranoia. Are we even allowed to promote other websites here? Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted August 1, 2013 Share Posted August 1, 2013 Marriage Builders is a for profit, religious group that promotes some seriously unhealthy controlling behaviors and paranoia. Are we even allowed to promote other websites here? Even Marriage Builders own statistics show their method leads to divorce a vast majority of the time. So, if you are hellbent on divorce go follow their advice. Dr. Harley is an idiot IMO. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mimolicious Posted August 1, 2013 Share Posted August 1, 2013 Sounds like you are looking for something that you are not equipped to offer yourself. Looking to fill void ... Get therapy. This could go very wrong. SMH. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts