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How to end it?


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Really need some advice please don't know what to do.

 

I met MM 7 years ago when I was 22 & he was 52. To start with it was just a bit of fun no strings attached, but after a while we both became emotionally attached and although I knew he was a MM etc, I was happy the arrangement. However a few years ago my feelings started to change and I realised I didn't want to be the OW but wanted more & to be in a 'proper relationship' and even thoughts about having my own family etc.

 

For some reason I thought when it came to this point of wanting to end it the feeling would be mutual but how wrong was I. Basically he doesn't want to end it. He says he needs me in his life, loves me, can't imagine life without me etc. Makes no difference what I say. It always ends with him in tears begging me & I always give in even though deep down I don't want to. It's probably my fault because I give him the impression that all is ok and just plod on as normal but I only do it to keep the peace, and also because I feel so guilty when I see the pain I'm causing him trying to end it.

 

We've been going round like this in circles for the last 3 years or so but now I'm even more determined to end things for good as I've met someone else I really like & would like to take things further, as I see him as someone I could have a genuine relationship with.

 

I just don't know how to end it with MM in a gentle way because I'm scared it'll tip him over the edge. Telling him I've met someone else probably won't help much because I've used that line in the past & it's not convinced him. Not that I would do so but even threatening that I'll tell his wife doesn't seem to phase him. This new guy I've been talking to has said he can have a word with him as if it comes from him he might take me more seriously but I'm not sure that's a good idea & I think it's better coming from me.

 

I admit that there's also a part of me that's scared to end it completely due to the thought of being alone not having anyone. I've lost most of my friends mainly due to being with him as obviously they didn't agree with the whole thing with MM, so I chose him over them, probably foolish in hindsight. Even with this new guy in the limelight, what if it doesn't work out & I end up all alone after all this? What if the grass isn't greener?

 

I guess what I'm asking is how can I end it with MM without hurting his feelings and me not feeling guilty? How can I build up confidence to realise that I can meet someone else, and be in a 'normal' relationship? Is it normal to feel this way or am I just silly?

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TaraMaiden

Send him a text:

 

"It's over.

I AM with someone else now, and I'm building a new relationship."

That's it.

It needs no more.

 

Then delete all ways and means of your being able to contact him, and do the same with him.

 

Change your phone number (don't say you can't - it can be done and it's a lot easier than you'd imagine) and delete your FB profile. Change your email address and fall off his radar.

 

A surgeon is never going to take a gangrenous leg off a little bit at a time.

it has to be cut off, cleanly, quickly, efficiently and given every good chance to heal.

 

Do it this way - and i promise you, it will be the right thing.

 

Quit falling for the "I need you in my life, can't do without you" crap.

 

Nobody is indispensable.

 

If you put yourself in the position of being another person's lifeline, then you will never do anything for the rest of your life, but stand on one leg.

 

Don't be a flamingo.

Be an eagle.

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findingnemo

LsLady,

 

7 years is a long time to be with MM (married man). I'm sure that he has come to depend on you being there and is probably being truthful when he says he needs you. Now he knows that if he cries and begs, you will feel guilty and stay with him. He is very, very, very SELFISH. I can't stress that enough. You were so young and impressionable when all this began. If he truly loves you, why hasn't he given you what you need? Why is it only about what he needs regardless of whether you are happy with it or not?

 

What if he agreed to leave his W? Would you still want to be with him? It's important you think about this.

 

Your story breaks my heart. This man doesn't deserve a conversation telling him it's over. TaraMaiden is right. Send him a really short text message. Tell him it's over and you don't ever want to see him again. Do everything Tara suggested above. If he tells you (it's likely he'll hunt you down and find you) that he will leave his W, tell him it's too late.

 

You've met someone with whom you can have an honest and real relationship. I like the fact that you told him about MM and he wants to help. He shouldn't. This must be done by you as you rightly think. I'm just thinking that he must really like you to not judge your A. And that, in my book, makes him something special. If you want a chance with this new guy, you have to literally dump the old one. There is no hope in the A, there is no future. Tell yourself this and you will have no guilt whatsoever. The choice is between giving up your life for MM and living your life.

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Send him a text:

 

"It's over.

I AM with someone else now, and I'm building a new relationship."

That's it.

It needs no more.

 

Then delete all ways and means of your being able to contact him, and do the same with him.

 

Change your phone number (don't say you can't - it can be done and it's a lot easier than you'd imagine) and delete your FB profile. Change your email address and fall off his radar.

 

A surgeon is never going to take a gangrenous leg off a little bit at a time.

it has to be cut off, cleanly, quickly, efficiently and given every good chance to heal.

 

Do it this way - and i promise you, it will be the right thing.

 

Quit falling for the "I need you in my life, can't do without you" crap.

 

Nobody is indispensable.

 

If you put yourself in the position of being another person's lifeline, then you will never do anything for the rest of your life, but stand on one leg.

 

Don't be a flamingo.

Be an eagle.

 

Everything you've said makes so much sense and you're so right that I have to cut all contact. We've tried the 'lets just be friends' thing in the past but that just doesn't work. I wish I could just send the text message like you say but then I just think about what that will do to him and that's the hard part for me and why I feel like I need to break it off gently.

 

You're right I need to be an eagle, been a flamingo for too long.

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It's surprising, how resilient we humans are. We think we'll never be able to let someone go. And then we do, and it's brutal, and it feels like you're drowning, and it feels like the pain will never stop.

 

But we do let go. We're built tougher than we give ourselves credit for.

 

You have the option of having the whole cake with someone new. I don't know why you're waiting a second longer. Dump MM, and get busy with the new fella! :bunny:

 

Believe me I don't know why Im hesitating because I know the new guy is not going to wait around forever. I thinking posting on here is a sign of how desperate I am now for a change.

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LsLady,

 

7 years is a long time to be with MM (married man). I'm sure that he has come to depend on you being there and is probably being truthful when he says he needs you. Now he knows that if he cries and begs, you will feel guilty and stay with him. He is very, very, very SELFISH. I can't stress that enough. You were so young and impressionable when all this began. If he truly loves you, why hasn't he given you what you need? Why is it only about what he needs regardless of whether you are happy with it or not?

 

What if he agreed to leave his W? Would you still want to be with him? It's important you think about this.

 

Your story breaks my heart. This man doesn't deserve a conversation telling him it's over. TaraMaiden is right. Send him a really short text message. Tell him it's over and you don't ever want to see him again. Do everything Tara suggested above. If he tells you (it's likely he'll hunt you down and find you) that he will leave his W, tell him it's too late.

 

You've met someone with whom you can have an honest and real relationship. I like the fact that you told him about MM and he wants to help. He shouldn't. This must be done by you as you rightly think. I'm just thinking that he must really like you to not judge your A. And that, in my book, makes him something special. If you want a chance with this new guy, you have to literally dump the old one. There is no hope in the A, there is no future. Tell yourself this and you will have no guilt whatsoever. The choice is between giving up your life for MM and living your life.

 

I think the length of the time the A has been going on is the main reason why it's so hard. Also the fact that I have maybe led him to believe that I'm happy with everything whereas maybe it would be easier if I had showed how unhappy I was instead of pretending a lot of the time.

 

If he left his wife no I wouldn't want to be with him. During the first few years of the A the answer would've been different but now I think I'm at the stage where I just don't love him that way anymore. We've talked about it and I know he wouldn't leave her. He has kids & grand kids so I know he wouldn't jeopardise his relationship with them.

 

As I said above I totally agree with everything Tara has said, just need to find the strength to do it. The new guy is amazing like a breath of fresh air, but you're right in that I couldn't start a serious relationship with him until the A with MM is over.

 

Thanks for all your responses so far, definitely given me food for thought and I've taken everything on board.

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ComingInHot

Have you ever quit a job?

Same thing.

And he's already sucked away your Twenties, you gonna wait another 4 years then ditch him when he goes on Medicare?!

Every SECOND you spend time with Gramps is a waste of YOUR Life!!

As Lady Grey would say... Time to pull up your "big girl" pants and tell him It's Over*

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DelusionalOne

I can't add anything that the others haven't already said, but I agree quick is best. It sucks for the recipient but in the end it's best.

 

There is no way you should stay in an A situation when nice, single and available is right there. There are no guarantees but do you really want a life filled with regrets? It's better to be alone for the right reasons then with just someone for the wrong ones.

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Praying4Peace

Don't feel bad for him. He has a spouse and kids and grandkids...which is what you should want for yourself one day.

 

He needs to go reconnect with his wife. You suffered enough, now its his turn to face reality. Does she even know? Have you ever had a Dday?

 

This is the kindest thing you can do for yourself and for him. Tell him you care about him and love him but you don't want this relationship anymore. He'll live.

 

It's not going to be fun. Let him know beforehand that you will not be picking up phone calls, etc. etc.

 

Good luck!

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whichwayisup
so I chose him over them, probably foolish in hindsight. Even with this new guy in the limelight, what if it doesn't work out & I end up all alone after all this? What if the grass isn't greener?

 

Yet your MM chooses his wife ever day. He isn't leaving and divorcing her.

 

Look, this guy is fine with you being his OW and having an affair. You want more from him and he is unable to give you that.

 

End it. it'll hurt and be hard for you, but later on you'll be healed and ready to date available guys who will only be into you.

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Wellington

Sweetheart, you are not responsible for his happiness. He is a grown man......a grown "married" man who has already created a life. It's now your turn. You owe him nothing. He will survive.....and so will you.

 

Get going!! :)

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canuckprincess
Really need some advice please don't know what to do.

 

I met MM 7 years ago when I was 22 & he was 52. To start with it was just a bit of fun no strings attached, but after a while we both became emotionally attached and although I knew he was a MM etc, I was happy the arrangement. However a few years ago my feelings started to change and I realised I didn't want to be the OW but wanted more & to be in a 'proper relationship' and even thoughts about having my own family etc.

 

For some reason I thought when it came to this point of wanting to end it the feeling would be mutual but how wrong was I. Basically he doesn't want to end it. He says he needs me in his life, loves me, can't imagine life without me etc. Makes no difference what I say. It always ends with him in tears begging me & I always give in even though deep down I don't want to. It's probably my fault because I give him the impression that all is ok and just plod on as normal but I only do it to keep the peace, and also because I feel so guilty when I see the pain I'm causing him trying to end it.

 

We've been going round like this in circles for the last 3 years or so but now I'm even more determined to end things for good as I've met someone else I really like & would like to take things further, as I see him as someone I could have a genuine relationship with.

 

I just don't know how to end it with MM in a gentle way because I'm scared it'll tip him over the edge. Telling him I've met someone else probably won't help much because I've used that line in the past & it's not convinced him. Not that I would do so but even threatening that I'll tell his wife doesn't seem to phase him. This new guy I've been talking to has said he can have a word with him as if it comes from him he might take me more seriously but I'm not sure that's a good idea & I think it's better coming from me.

 

I admit that there's also a part of me that's scared to end it completely due to the thought of being alone not having anyone. I've lost most of my friends mainly due to being with him as obviously they didn't agree with the whole thing with MM, so I chose him over them, probably foolish in hindsight. Even with this new guy in the limelight, what if it doesn't work out & I end up all alone after all this? What if the grass isn't greener?

 

I guess what I'm asking is how can I end it with MM without hurting his feelings and me not feeling guilty? How can I build up confidence to realise that I can meet someone else, and be in a 'normal' relationship? Is it normal to feel this way or am I just silly?

 

 

Holy crap, I'd swear you were writing my life story with mm. As for trying to be friends with mm while you have a relationship with a single in my opinion is impossible. Can I ask how often you see and talk to mm now?

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  • 1 year later...
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Well I never thought I’d be back on here since my original post, was having a clear out of my mail box and came across my registration email from Loveshack when I joined so thought I’d log in see what I had posted. At the time I never posted further but did hang about a few weeks after just reading other posts, think I was too ashamed really to say anything more and knew I didn’t have it in me to end the relationship then.

 

I’m glad to say I’m free from the relationship with exMM and now very happily in a ‘proper’ relationship! It took until June 2014 (a year since my first post) to leave exMM, won’t bore you with all the details but I can honestly say it was one of the most stressful and difficult things I’ve ever had to do because the break up got very nasty with really bad verbal threats of violence and contacting my work to make trouble so I could lose my job and even threats of suicide from exMM.

 

I’ll be honest and say that no contact was really hard to stick to because of these threats and I felt the only way to ‘keep the peace’ was to keep talking to him and it seemed to calm him down. I never backed down with regards to restarting the relationship again, and boy did he try everything and even went as far as moving out of his family home & got his own place and then started promising me all those things I’d wanted 8 years ago about making me his priority, us moving in together etc. I didn’t fall for any of it of course!

 

The new relationship I’m in is not with the guy I mentioned in my original post, sad at the time it didn’t come to be but I was still with MM and it would have just made things a lot more complicated. However I’m so happy in my new relationship, just feels so good to be the number 1 lady in someone’s life, feels great that we can do stuff or go anywhere without it being a secret or having the fear that someone who knows exMM will see us. I was with exMM since I was 22 and prior to that had never had a serious relationship so in a way this is my first proper relationship. I’m 30 now and whilst I still have regrets about not leaving exMM much sooner I’m really happy it’s over and done with.

 

If there’s anyone else who’s in a similar situation to what I was in and wants out – there is light at the end of the tunnel, though it took me 8 years.

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Hooray! Good for you. Thanks for coming back to update and with GOOD news. It's really great to hear stories of OW moving on to bigger and better things!

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So happy you got rid of such an overwhelming threaten-oriented piece of mm.

 

 

There's a lot of pressure here for immediate NC, but in reality it takes a long time because it is very, very difficult.

 

 

Pat yourself on the back until it hurts :)

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Thanks Popsicle and cutedragon :)

 

As with most people's experiences on here, initially such relationships start all good but definitely a lesson learnt the hard way for me. Never again will I put myself through that, just too emotionally draining.

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