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My ex won't stop and I let her do it


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redkangaroo

Dear LSers, I'm looking for your advice. Long story short I met this girl five years ago and during the first year we lived together and planned a marriage, then we broke up and had countless attempts to reconcile during the last few years. I was dating with other girls during these years, and I'm in a relationship right now.

 

To tell you the truth I still dream to be with that girl I met five years ago, even though she proved numerous times she is not trustworthy. We don't have any chance to be together as far as we have different lifestyles, live far away from each other, and the main point is that she doesn't need it. I'm well aware of NC, I never contact her first, and I would have forgotten about her by now, BUT she finds ways to contact me and seduce me, no matter whether I'm in a relationship or not, and then I'm with her again, it happens about twice a year. It lasts for some weeks up to some months, then she disappears, and here I am again at square one.

 

If you wonder how come she contacts me when I'm against it... she finds her ways. She can track me through mutual acquaintances and bump into me on the street, appear at my door, even though she lives thousands miles away. She can't write me through internet, because I blocked her everywhere, so once she had stolen my mail account and left me a message in my one drafts folder.

 

At the moment she is in passive stage, but I know she will be back and will spoil my life and relationship. How do I resist?

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weedsandposies

She is using you.

 

As Ladygrey said don't allow her. NC means ignore their attempts to contact you. When she throws you crumbs , don't bite. Eventually she'll tire and fade away... If she's sane.

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redkangaroo

Your current g/f is getting the shyte end of the stick isn't she? I suppose she doesn't know that you are allowing yourself to be seduced ever so often by your x or that you are still in love with her? So what is the point of having this relationship with your g/f when you aren't all in?

 

I met my current gf just two months ago, so I haven't cheated on her and I don't plan to. I'm just trying to plan ahead to minimize the risk to be tricked by her again.

 

So what is the point of having this relationship with your g/f when you aren't all in?

I'm trying to be all in and I hope this relationship will work.

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oh ffs - 'not be TRICKED by her again'?!

 

does she have magical powers? does her private area sing a siren song?

 

man up. tell her to stop contacting you or you will get a RO.

it's simple to not have people in your life when you want to. if you want to.

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redkangaroo

You didn't like the word "trick", right? Probably I misused it.

 

Yes, I admit I have little control in this situation, may be I'm a grown man in other aspects of life, but not in this one. Yes, sometimes I think she has magical powers, after all sirens had to have some real life prototype, I can't believe they were completely made-up.

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spice4life

You should probably start by telling your new gf so she knows what she is potentially dealing with when it comes to your ex. You also need to take responsibility for your actions and not blame it all on your ex. She can't "trick" you if you aren't a willing participant.

 

Try the honest route by doing the opposite of what you normally do when it comes to your ex when your feeling weak. Therapy helps too.

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You didn't like the word "trick", right? Probably I misused it.

 

Yes, I admit I have little control in this situation, may be I'm a grown man in other aspects of life, but not in this one. Yes, sometimes I think she has magical powers, after all sirens had to have some real life prototype, I can't believe they were completely made-up.

 

i get the sentiment behind your post, it is not any one word i dislike, it's the fact that you're playing the victim. you do realise that each time she 'tricks' you, you are the one allowing it?

 

if you want to have a relationship with someone else, you should be fair to that person and yourself, and grow a pair.

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redkangaroo
You should probably start by telling your new gf so she knows what she is potentially dealing with when it comes to your ex.

 

That's a good point, exactly what I'm looking for, more practical advice. In theory I understand that I used to act wrong, that's why I'm trying to change something.

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spice4life

Well, you've taken the first most difficult step by admitting you have an issue when it comes to your ex. That's a good start and now you can put a conscious effort into trying to control it. Once you're successful in controlling it the first time, the subsequent attempts get easier and easier and then it becomes "normal."

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i believe saying 'no' to doing something (or someone) you don't want to do and then sticking to it IS the practical, and simplest, solution to your problem.

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redkangaroo

Lilly...

 

I ask: what should I do that would help me to say "no"?

You reply: say "no"!

 

Ok, I will keep it in mind.

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from your OP... you know there's no future with this woman. you don't want a relationship with her, you don't want to have a bi-annual sex meeting with her. you want her to never contact you again. yet, she does and you fold.

 

there is something within you that gets a kick from this. yes, there are masochists in this world, and they do what they do to get pleasure out of it, even if other people might not view their actions as pleasure-inducing.

 

i'm not a trained person, so please view this as simply my opinion formed on a couple of posts by you: i believe the kick you get is that someone, no matter how undesirable, 'just can't resist you'. she keeps coming back every few months, that means you're just THAT amazing, right?

 

and you provide the same for her. all she needs to do is wink and shake her bootay at you, and you come running. because she is ALSO that amazing.

 

i cannot give you advice apart from 'just say no'. because that's what i'd do...

you might want to consider IC if you find that impossible - if you're doing something you know is detrimental, and you wish to stop but you can't - treat it as an addiction and get counselling. all the best.

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redkangaroo

May be some small things, at the moment I can think about the next ones:

 

1. Tell my present g/f about my ex's previous behavior to get some support

2. Stay away from the territories where she usually is

3. Try not to give my phone number or location to people she knows

4. Do not look at her or talk to her at encounter

5. Escape from encounter asap, within one minute or less

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whichwayisup

It'll stop when you stop playing the game. This woman KNOWS she can manipulate you every single time. You go willingly. Start thinking with your head and not body parts/heart.

 

If you tell your gf, what are you going to say?

"My ex, who I still lust after, I can't control myself when she finds me." How do you explain to your girlfriend that you're just weak at the knees for your ex and can't be trusted around the ex. There's no easy way of admitting this to her.

 

All you can do is ask your mutual friends to please respect the fact that the ex IS your ex and you don't want any of them to release any personal info about you, including email address, cell number, location. In fact, tell them to just not mention a word about you PERIOD.

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Praying4Peace

RedKangaroo-

I cannot tell from your post whether you love her, just lust after her (strictly physical but find the rest of her abhorrent) or are repulsed by her (and have been repeatedly raped) <---JK on the last one...I think.

 

Can you dig deep and tell us what your true feelings are for this woman? Is it that its not practical? Is it that she has something your current relationship doesn't so you get that 'little piece' from her? Are you afraid of her bc you know she is only using you so no real relationship is possible so you are trying to use your girlfriend as a shield?

 

If you described this all to your GF to get support, be careful. The way you describe it would send red flags waving all across my mind. I'd be out of the relationship. Women are very intuitive and can tell when a man is still hung up on a woman even if he is resisting her.

 

Be careful.

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Praying4Peace
Ummm, you mention rape and then you said it was a joke, then you say, maybe not. Wow......this man SAID she seduces him and he allows it. That has nothing at all to do with rape. For real rape victims your joke is insulting. SMH

 

Sorry!!! I would never make that joke at woman. Ever. I don't know if she jumps him in the middle of the night in his bed. Wow, I guess that would be rape. I'm so sorry to offend anyone. I just can't understand what his deal is...he obviously was a consenting adult here but acts like he has no choice.

 

Please accept my apologies everyone.

LG- thanks for pointing that out, not a funny joke.

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redkangaroo
RedKangaroo-

I cannot tell from your post whether you love her, just lust after her (strictly physical but find the rest of her abhorrent) or are repulsed by her (and have been repeatedly raped) <---JK on the last one...I think.

 

Can you dig deep and tell us what your true feelings are for this woman? Is it that its not practical? Is it that she has something your current relationship doesn't so you get that 'little piece' from her? Are you afraid of her bc you know she is only using you so no real relationship is possible so you are trying to use your girlfriend as a shield?

 

Be careful.

 

Lust for sure, I'm not sure about love, because I hate her in many aspects including her present life and her behavior in the past, but I miss her and I feel jealous of other men in her life, even though I don't know anything about them, but I'm sure they exist. I think it's more the feeling of ownership, than love.

 

I don't think I use my current girlfriend as a shield, I want to build a strong relationship with her, and I don't want anyone to interfere. She seems to be trustworthy and she values me. By the way I think she is not completely over her ex too.

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TaraMaiden
far away from each other, and the main point is that she doesn't need it. I'm well aware of NC, I never contact her first, and I would have forgotten about her by now, BUT she finds ways to contact me

 

YOU break No Contact.

Not her.

 

Like this:

You implement No Contact.

This means that you decide to go off the radar and be uncommunicative.

 

She decides to try to get in touch with you.

So, she bangs the drum, sounds the bugle and marches up and down your lawn.

 

You open the window..... and so, Break No Contact.

If you hadn't opened the window, you wouldn't be breaking NC.

 

She calls? You respond.

By responding - YOU - break no Contact.

It's not her - it's you.

 

and seduce me, no matter whether I'm in a relationship or not, and then I'm with her again, it happens about twice a year. It lasts for some weeks up to some months, then she disappears, and here I am again at square one.

Gun laws should be much stricter.

 

She obviously holds a Kalashnikov to your temple and forces you against your will, to betray whoever you're in a relationship with... that's one mean gun-wielding bitch, right there....

Oh, wait....

 

What's that??

She DOESN'T have a gun?

What about a revolver? No?

 

A pistol, then....NO?

 

So... you mean....

All she has to do is crook her finger, bat her eyelids, coo "oh lover~boy.....?" and you drop everything (and anyone) and go running?

 

Oh.

Wow.

I see....

So it's not coercion, force or even - seduction.

It's that you phukk her because you want to.

 

That''s not 'seduction'.

That's lather/rinse/repeat lust.

 

On your part.

 

If you wonder how come she contacts me when I'm against it... she finds her ways. She can track me through mutual acquaintances

Then tell them:

"She is toxic to me, I need to get over her, I am so ridiculous!!

Please, I'm begging you, whatever happens, if she asks you - never, EVER give her my details! Please!! If you are my friend, you will do this one thing for me!

I am weak, I can never resist her! I am breaking my own heart to shreds over her, I cannot go on letting this happen!! Please, promise me you will stop and never give her my details!! Please - ?!?"

 

See?

Easy!

 

and bump into me on the street,

Don't stop, keep walking, ignore her, and shut her off.

 

appear at my door, even though she lives thousands miles away.
Open the door, take one look at her then slam it and lock it.

 

All that way for nothing.

Aw.

Poor thing.

 

She can't write me through internet, because I blocked her everywhere, so once she had stolen my mail account and left me a message in my one drafts folder.

So hopefully your email is now different, and you can block her. Give her no passwords of course.

That would be silly, right??

 

At the moment she is in passive stage, but I know she will be back and will spoil my life and relationship. How do I resist?

By doing all of the above.

She can only 'spoil your life and relationship' because you let her.

And if you let her, it's because you want her to.

 

So quit being weak, and blaming her.

You just have to grow a vagina and be as strong and determined as she is, if not more.

Because currently she - with her vagina is 100 times stronger than you, even if you grow a pair.

 

Balls are soft and fragile. Kick them, and you double over in agony.

Grow a vagina man.

That thing can take a pounding.

 

If you really want to be strong enough to resist - be as strong as she is.

 

Until you are, you're just going to keep playing into this silly little drama.

 

Aren't you?

 

:)

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Praying4Peace
Lust for sure, I'm not sure about love, because I hate her in many aspects including her present life and her behavior in the past, but I miss her and I feel jealous of other men in her life, even though I don't know anything about them, but I'm sure they exist. I think it's more the feeling of ownership, than love.

 

I don't think I use my current girlfriend as a shield, I want to build a strong relationship with her, and I don't want anyone to interfere. She seems to be trustworthy and she values me. By the way I think she is not completely over her ex too.

 

You are interfering with your own relationship by not going NC with her. Print out TaraMaiden's post and put it in your wallet and commit it to memory. It's pure perfection.

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  • 2 weeks later...
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redkangaroo

I know you will criticize me and I deserve it. I have some good and bad news.

 

Bad ones:

I'm not over my ex yet, otherwise I wouldn't write here.

I had a moment of weakness and checked her fb profile, saw her new pictures.

I almost sent her a message, but didn't.

 

Good ones:

I didn't break NC.

My relations with the current gf, except of this **** with ex, are great, hope I will forget my past sooner or later.

 

Presumably she has a new bf now who looks horrible. Some lazy poor loser, 13 years older than her. He is overweight as well, keep in mind that all her previous boyfriends , including me, are athletic build. I hope he is at least good in bed, otherwise I'll conclude that she is ok just with any dick.

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Delete your FB profile.

Honestly, do it.

 

You'll thank me for advising you of this.

 

people think they simply cannot do without FB!!

 

"OhmyGod!! No!! I can't!! Impossible!! What about *this, that and the other!?*"

 

Tell me - how on earth did you manage to function as a human being - BEFORE FB was created??

Well, guess what? You will again.

 

I have a FB account, but I'm quite happy to delete it and let it go.

 

I don't need to - but if I had to, no problem.

 

I've only got 24 friends on it, anyway.

They also have emails and mobile phones....

 

Delete your FB account.

 

Sorted.

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  • 1 year later...
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Small update for the records :) I didn't delete my FB account that time, I couldn't even if I wanted to, as I use it for my community activity.

 

Anyway, all the issues solved. I met the best girl in the world last summer, and married her a month ago.

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well I was that gf, who went with a man for 2 years. And somehow over the two years his ex somehow always managed to contact him and even managed to get dinner with him set up through mutual aquaintence - surprised he was- did he even once tell her we were involved? no - not even after set up for dinner- then he refriended her on FB _ and then accused me of still loving the father of my child (btw is only involved due to being pulled into court for non payment of child support for 8 years- not because he wanted to be involved in his life)- so being the women who this is done to- get over yourself and take responsibility for your choices in continuing this drama. Either stay with the ex and dont drag someone into your own drama without their knowledge, it is not fair to them. Everyone deserves to make informed choices for themselves. You are not the victim here..don't waste her time or yours. If you choose to respond, in any form, then you are just as much involved in keeping this negative rapport/relationship/addiction or whatever it may be to you.

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