My story/greeting

[UntoTheBreach3]

This is my first post. My story is a little odd but maybe it will beat the odds, so to speak. My current relationship started as an affair. We both have kids, mine is a 5 year old girl, hers is a 4 year old boy. I was in a long term unmarried relationship with my daughters mother, she has been married for 13 years. We're both in our early 30's. My lover is also my best friend, and my partner at work in a health care setting. We've worked side by side for 7 years. Every decision I've made at work she's made with me, we are complete equals on the job. We work very well together in a very close team of about 8 of us. My lover and I have always been close. Our families did occasional things together and I got along with her husband, though was never fond of him. The same could be said of her and my daughter's mom. A year ago my lover approached me and told me she had fallen in love with me. She is a very introverted soul and it was extremely emotional and tears were a plenty when she told me that we belonged together. How her life should have been with me. I told her I felt the same, because I did. I had the same feelings, but because she was married and kind of an introvert, I never mustered the courage to tell her. I gave my self about 2 weeks to think on everything and decided to tell my daughters mom that I no longer wanted to be with her and she could stay living with me until she had money saved. She stayed for 9 months. It was the most brutal 9 months of my life. Very uncomfortable and I proceeded to see my lover in secret, even though my kids mom had suspicions of my lover and I's relationship. My lover waited a little longer to tell her husband she wanted a divorce. In the beginning, I wanted her to really think about things. We did become intimate during this time and the sex was very...emotional. You could tell she'd been with the same man her whole adult life. I did encourage counseling and for her to try to save her marriage. She declined. She was in love with me and filed for divorce. The divorce is in process and since we both live alone we see each other every day. Her husband does not know about us and my ex knows but doesn't talk about it. We put out daughter first and I will always love her mother. We are better friends since our separation. My lover and I's kids get along very well with each other and we both love each other's kids. We've known them their whole lives. It hasn't been easy. We both went through so many emotions together and completely supportive. It is the most trusting, loving, mature relationship I've ever had. We talk about everything thouroghly until its completed. She has asked me to marry her after everything is final, but I swore to only date her appropriately for a year so she could experience dating and being truly courted. I've had my insecurities through this, but she is very gentle with them and eases all my worries and I do them for her, as its hard for her to accept some of the things I do for her. I'm a complete opposite of her husband. I'm very affectionate and giving. He's not. I know him personally and he needs this divorce himself as he's become rather co-dependant in many regards to her. Especially financially. And he is more of a playmate to their son than a father. My fear now is she will do a last minute change of heart, but its unlikely. We've discussed this fear and her responses are loving and encouraging. Thanks to anyone who read this. Affairs are very hard, the transition to real relationship is hard. I'm lucky because she's my best friend and truly a female version of myself. Truly my equal. Our lives are parallel. It can work. My hope is it does. I only want her happiness. I'm honored she only wants mine.

[Goodbye]

Well, it sounds like you are on your way. Don't move too quickly. Good luck.

[UntoTheBreach3]

Thank you, I understand that completely. Our relationship has been building for 7 years very slowly. Out of respect for our exes and our kids we are moving at a reasonable pace. And some time living alone is good for the both of us. She does stay over with her son, but not when my daughter is here, because my daughter is a little older and much more aware of the situation.

[Praying4Peace]

UntotheBreach-

I'm so happy for you, it sounds like you two will be very happy together. And when your current significant others are free, I hope that they'll find people who feel about them the way you and your MOW do.

 

You are lucky that you are in a situation where you do not have to legally dissolve your relationship, that seems to be very hard on most men.

 

Good luck!

[UntoTheBreach3]

Thank you Praying...Both my ex and her soon to be ex husband have had a hard time. His main concerns seem to be how he's going to afford living on his own and having their son by himself. There's been quite a few nights already where he was supposed to keep their son overnight and would call her around 930 or 10 pm telling her he is bringing their son back to her because their son was upset. He would say "Well, i don't want to traumatize him" I keep my opinions to myself out of respect and she does the same for the most part. He works a late shift (noon till 9 pm) so he spends the majority of his time with his son at their house from around 10 am to 1130 on weekends. She hates this because he spends the majority of the time while over there moping and crying about what he's going to do financially. She doesn't feel it appropriate to ask him for the house keys since legally he still owns the house with her. My best advice was her to tell him to pick their son up and then drop him off so he's sort of forced to focus on their son, rather than bother her. This relationship has taught me patience and some humility. I do feel inside I am competing with him, even though she enforces that I am not in any way, shape, or form. When the divorce is final it will be much better in that regard. Our state is a no-fault state but when young children are involved there is a grace period for divorces to be finalized. My fear may come from my mother being 2 weeks from divorcing my father when i was young and changing her mind at the last minute. Different circumstances for sure...And yes I wish nothing but the best for my ex. She's a remarkable, loving woman...we just were not right for each other. It pains me terribly when she is upset about our situation, but she deserves to be with someone who can give her all his heart and soul...I can't do that for her. Even if my lover and I were to split, my heart belongs to her.

Edited May 28, 2013 by UntoTheBreach3
forgot something

[UntoTheBreach3]

Pierre, thank you for your reply. I will deal with whatever I have to deal with. The same goes for her. I understand the work relationship. We keep things very professional. And I have agreed to marriage. I just wanted time for her and I to only date and not live together. I feel she deserves to be courted in that way and it will look better for her family and loved ones, rather than her jumping into another marriage. One year is our deal. After that year I'll propose. She never had a true dating time. She married very young. There are cons with any relationship, every story is unique. We both made adult decisions to end disfunctional relationships to try a life together. I found this quote by Galway Kinnel that I love:

 

“We’re all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong. Why is this? Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complementary way. But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. And it isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems—the ones that make you truly who you are—that we’re ready to find a lifelong mate. Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for. You’re looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: the right wrong person—someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, “This is the problem I want to have.”

 

I will find that special person who is wrong for me in just the right way.

 

Let our scars fall in love.”

[UntoTheBreach3]

I guess the point of me joining this board is to encourage others that there is a chance that love can succeed in many circumstances. Some affairs are for sex and others are for emotional need and others are a ticket to leave a bad situation, but every once I awhile you find your true love and to not let the taboo of the affair take its toll on your natural doubts and insecurities. But always protect yourself. Always keep it at a distance until they are willing to commit to you and you alone.

[UntoTheBreach3]

Thank you Pierre. I will post frequently as a journal of sorts for my journey. When her soon to be ex husband finds out we're involved for certain, it will be rough that's for sure. He'll mope and pout to all of her friends, their friends, her parents. She has told her parents and a few select friends about our relationship. I've met her parents at birthdays, cookouts but at that time I was just her close friend and partner at the hospital. I do think I did have commitment issues in the past, because I deep down inside only want to marry my best friend. Love is nice, but marriage required more. Partnership in life, business, parenting, sharing, emotions, intellectual stimulation, and a constant desire to please. I've always had all these things before with her for years as my best friend. Sex and more alone time together are really the only difference now. And the sex is very good for both of us. She's quite inexperienced being married since 19. I will never ask her about her sexual history and if she had previous affairs. If I heard things I wouldn't like or vice versa on my part it could cause unwanted insecurities and affairs already breed them enough by themselves. In fact, lol, I'm just getting over an issue where I lasted too long sexually, whether it was my painful desire to constantly please her or the stress of having my daughter half the time and some guilt for leaving her mother. That is internal and I've dealt with and am dealing with that on my terms. My stamina caused insecurity with her, thinking she didn't "do it" for me. On the contrary my lover is uniquely beautiful with an amazing body, compared to me, a slightly overweight cheery man who always jokes around and has a penchant for talk of politics, religion and other moderately intellectual conversation.

[UntoTheBreach3]

Oh and if I didn't mention he doesn't live with her since January and their divorce is very close to being final. I have asked her on occasion if she needs a grace period, to go out and "sow her oats" she Declined. In fact her decline to my selfless idea caused much hostility in her little Italian temper. I feel I've done everything right in this affair other than wait for the divorce to be final before being intimate. But as they say, "you gotta taste the milk before you buy the cow. No pun intended

[spice4life]

Oh and if I didn't mention he doesn't live with her since January and their divorce is very close to being final. I have asked her on occasion if she needs a grace period, to go out and "sow her oats" she Declined. In fact her decline to my selfless idea caused much hostility in her little Italian temper. I feel I've done everything right in this affair other than wait for the divorce to be final before being intimate. But as they say, "you gotta taste the milk before you buy the cow. No pun intended

 

LOL...gotta love those "little italian tempers" especially if they have a little regional accent that slips out occasionally. *Sigh* Ahhhhhh!...*banging head on desk* I have to go and quit posting for a while. Bringing back sentimental memories. :\

[UntoTheBreach3]

Pierre...I disagree, it was at the beginning, to give her the option before a serious relationship. I can relate to her situation since I was in a 10 year long relationship from high school through my 20's that was unhappy. That was me giving her the breathing room you discussed earlier. She told me she didn't need that, so that was the end of that

[UntoTheBreach3]

Kristi it is not my place to tell her separated husband. That's on her, and her opinion is that it is none of his business. You have a dismal perspective, but I can understand your judgement on my situation.

[Praying4Peace]

Just because she was married at 19 doesn't mean she was a virgin or inexperienced.

 

You claim she is your BFF but you don't talk about EVERYTHING....such as past lovers.

 

And fyi - kids are not stupid. Lastly, you have no idea what the almost ex husband will or won't do. He may have choice words for her once he finds out she was having an affair - and you can't blame him. You seem to imply the mistress is this sweet, inexperienced woman; when for all you know, she is quite experienced (you have no idea of her sexual activity prior to her marriage and you have no idea of what her and her husband actually did sexually). She isn't as innocent as you are implying she is.

 

She is a woman who had/is having an affair. Own it.

 

 

 

Time will tell if you and her 'make it' after the divorces are final and everything is out in the open. I think it is very inappropriate for her to be bringing her son on "sleep overs" at your house. You don't want your daughter who is a mere year older to see the sleepovers..but for some reason you are okay with her son seeing his mommy sleeping with a man who isn't daddy.

 

Being a step parent is very hard. Don't kid yourself. 2nd marriages have a higher divorce rate than first marriages - 70% of 2nd marriages fail. The main reason is children and finances. I am assuming you do not have custody of your daughter - you have visitation? wait until your daughter wants to know why her son gets to live with you and she doesn't.

 

So Hockeyfan what you're saying is he should stay in the marriage for the kids?

[Praying4Peace]

Where did she say that? I've read that post 3 times and I can't see it. Where is it?

 

Okay, I don't like doing Cliff Notes but the post seemed to focus on two things, one of which that when the daughter finds out why daddy left mommy she will not be happy (and I agree a hundred percent) and also that when she finds out why the son lives there and not her she will be angry. These are good reasons to stay in a marriage because they prevent harm to others. I just pointed that out. Gotta weigh the pros and cons.

 

If I thought my kids would suffer irreparable harm, I would have stayed too. Thankfully, they did not and I never thought they would. It does make things more difficult though.

[pureinheart]

If the two of you are truly on exit affairs then there is a chance. If she wants to eat cake then forget it.

 

The only con is jumping from one relationship to another with no breathing room.

 

The only other con is that it is rather easy to fall in love at work. Most affairs start at work and most fail so that aspect is routine.

 

If you are willing to meet her needs and if you are willing to deal with the dad of her kids then you should be OK.

 

I also get the feeling you have commitment issues. You did not marry the mother of your daughter and declined the offer of marriage by your lover.

 

This is my concern. Another concern is I've seen and been in one workplace romance, and that was what the catalyst was- the job.

[UntoTheBreach3]

hockey no my ex and i have joint custody of our daughter. and whats the point of of talking about someone's sexual past? what she did before me is none of my business. And why can't a few of you understand she's separated.

[UntoTheBreach3]

Thanks Pierre. I don't understand some of the above comments from some of the other posters. People who are in or are dealing with affairs go through enough range of emotions and pain to be judged by people in a forum. I mean to know the forum is for people dealing with affairs from this perspective and have attitudes like that just means some of these people have to GO OUT OF THEIR WAY to throw their moral code around like it's a sign of their superiority. I've read some of the other posters on this forum. Self-righteous people who judge just touch a special nerve to me.