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Love-life, Work-life, and Infidelity


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 1st April 2013, 5:52 PM   #1
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Love-life, Work-life, and Infidelity

I started working at a new company in July of last year. This is where I met a girl. At first, I really did not have an attraction to her. It was not a love-at-first-sight sort of thing. After working together for a while, we became friends at work. It was nice to just have someone to talk while trying to pass the hours in the workday. We had a strictly work relationship and never hung out outside of the workplace. I also came to discover that she had a boyfriend who had been away in Europe for quite some time and so the thought of she and I being anything more than people who work together never entered my mind.

One Friday, at the end of the work day, we were talking about our plans for the weekend. I was planning on going to a bar to meet up with a few of my friends and she had nothing to do so I thought it would be nice to invite her along to hang out with her outside of the workplace for once. At this point I still had no ill-intentions on my mind. To make a long story short, we ended up kissing at the bar.

I knew she had a boyfriend so I decided to not bring it up and leave it up for her to decide if she wanted to discuss it. Sure enough, after work on Monday she had texted me wanting to talk about it. I told her that I don't know how it happened but I liked it and she told me she felt the same and she wasn't opposed to it happening again. We decided to just let fate take its course and whatever happens happens.

We ended up hanging out every weekend after that and because we work together we were in constant contact. Things got very intense very quickly. We talked about things that only people in a serious committed relationship should ever talk about, meanwhile her actual boyfriend was and still is in Europe. We had even decided to take a trip to California together later this week.

I fell for her hard. I was reluctant but she made me feel so comfortable and I trusted that she was falling for me too. The "L" word was even thrown into the conversation at one point. However, her boyfriend is coming back home in a couple weeks. For the past couple of weeks she has seemed very withdrawn. She doesn't talk to me the way she used to. She doesn't want to see me as often as she used to. What was all very intense just a month ago seems like nothing at all to her now. The problem is I still feel those intense feelings.

I'm assuming this is all due to the fact that her boyfriend is coming back. I think she's feeling guilty about what we have done but at the same time she had caught her boyfriend cheating on her on several occasions and I'm sure he's cheating on her now that he's away. I know that that doesn't justify what she and I did but it still hurts because I would never do anything to hurt her like that and yet she still seems to want to be with a guy who has consistently shown that he can't be trusted. I'm not sure what to do. I've had my heart broken before but eventually got over it after not contacting that person for quite some time. The problem is that I work with this girl. I don't know how to heal when I have to see her every day.

She hasn't come out and said anything about the situation and I don't bring it up because I don't feel that I have any right to, considering I am "the other guy". Do I have a right to talk about these things? If I do, should I even bother talking about them? Should I try to discuss these things with her or should I cut my losses? How do I maintain a good working relationship with her without losing my sanity? What should I think of the fact that her boyfriend cheats on her and she stays with him anyway?

I have a lot of questions. I appreciate any answers or any other insights that people may have.
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Old 1st April 2013, 6:24 PM   #2
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First thing to do is back WAY off. Be so underground you can feel the heat of hell . Seriously.

Has she still been dating her boy friend, while throwing the L word around?
You started a relationship with someone who can't even be faithful. You really want to hitch your wagon up to her? The foundation of your relationship is she is a cheater.

If you ask her, she's not going to tell you what you want to hear. If you back off and be a challenge to her, she'll come back to you if you want it. But make sure you tell her him or me. You don't play second fiddle. No texts, no emails, no phone calls. Smile and say hello at work, but that's it.
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Old 1st April 2013, 6:28 PM   #3
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[QUOTE

She hasn't come out and said anything about the situation and I don't bring it up because I don't feel that I have any right to, considering I am "the other guy". Do I have a right to talk about these things? If I do, should I even bother talking about them? Should I try to discuss these things with her or should I cut my losses? How do I maintain a good working relationship with her without losing my sanity? What should I think of the fact that her boyfriend cheats on her and she stays with him anyway?

1. Ask her is she is still seeing him. Because you are involved with her, you have the right to yourself. You're just not going to like the answer
2. There's nothing to talk about if she's still seeing him, you can ask if she'll break up with him. If she says no, cut your losses,
3. You maintain a good working relationship by dating other people immediately. You say hello, good bye, but nothing else.
4. She's unloyal and will cheat on you too.

Personally, I would cut my losses and go underground.
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Old 1st April 2013, 6:39 PM   #4
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I am sorry this happened to you ...infidelity hits hard .....and it changes people......you are not only to blame, she is more so responsible, you were single she was not, whether or not the boyfriend cheated is irrelevant two wrongs don't make a right.You have to let her go for now.....maybe forever....she needs to be out of a relationship for you to start one, whatever you feel for her, however strong those feelings are.....it comes down to this....would you trust her? what has she done to prove to you that in a relationship with her that you wont follow the same fate as her other boyfriend....falling for this girl will be a true downfall for you....i sense boredom......she was bored...you were available she is distancing from you to continue her other relationship....i am sorry about this....you need for your own sanity and protection for your heart to stay away....she isn't good for anyone.....not the one for you........i am not saying she isnt a good person at the moment she isnt the right person...and you will have trust issues....good luck..deb
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Old 1st April 2013, 6:52 PM   #5
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JPMC, I agree with you completely, and normally that's exactly what I would do. It's just that I don't know how to handle the situation because I do work with her and will have to continue to see her every day. As for her "seeing" her boyfriend, she is but she isn't because he's been in Europe since the summer. I guess I chose to ignore it since he wasn't around. I don't plan on seeing her when he's back in the picture but there's still a part of me that wants to be with her and there's that glimmer of hope in me that she will leave him, however unlikely that may seem. I'm trying to squash that feeling and just let life take its course. She was never dishonest with me, I knew she had a boyfriend. I only have myself to blame for getting myself into the situation. I'm just looking for a way to get out and learn from my two mistakes (seeing a girl I work with and seeing a girl who has a boyfriend).
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Old 1st April 2013, 6:59 PM   #6
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Deb, I understand what you're saying. I was hesitant at first because I was aware that this exact situation would be the result. However, she made me feel comfortable enough to let go of that hesitation. I fell in love with her and I thought she was falling in love with me so I let my guard down. I guess I was just shocked at how quickly things seemed to turn. The worst part is that I feel she would be the perfect girl for me if only I met her when she was available. I guess that's why it's so hard for me to just let it go. I thank you for your insight. It helps just to talk about it with someone so thank you.
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