Are You Still In Love With Your Affair Partner

[JPMC]

Lurker, I wouldn't say for a long time but first time poster. I have been married 8 years, and got caught up an extremely intense long distance affair for about 3 years. My AP was married as well. We both have children. Saw each other every other month.

 

My spouse took me back, things have never been better. AP is in the midst of divorce. We haven't spoken, or emailed in 18 months. Yes there has been a little contact, i.e. lurking of social media sites. The though of my AP dating someone else give me complete anxiety.

 

Needless to say I'm still deeply in love with my AP and I know the feelings are the same. The temptation never goes away as I go forward. If we were single, we would be married within a week.

 

I'm not here to be called a narcissist, or selfish or whatever. I know I should have complete no contact, my best is 22 days without lurking I know it's an addiction and I know I have my AP on a pedestal. I guess I love the thrill of the chase and being a savior.

 

Is there anyone else leading a normal married life but pines for their AP?

[veryhappy]

Can you explain what is a normal better than ever marriage when you are pining for another woman? How does that work? You make amazing love to your wife and then roll over and think of the other person?

 

You are at least selfish. You are hurting her by having contact while she's getting divorced. I bet you don't tell her about how happily married you are. I bet it's all I love yous and miss yous and can't stop thinking of you.

 

How about you enjoy your happy marriage and leave her alone? According to some people here at some point you'll be completely out of the fog and over her, so... give it time.

[JPMC]

We haven't had any verbal or phone contact. It's more of the "I know your there." I'm logical in that I know it won't work. I keep score in my head about life married vs. life with the AP. And life married is way ahead. It bothers me in that I know it's self destructive. Why?

[Catplates]

We haven't had any verbal or phone contact. It's more of the "I know your there." I'm logical in that I know it won't work. I keep score in my head about life married vs. life with the AP. And life married is way ahead. It bothers me in that I know it's self destructive. Why?

 

That's exactly why it took me so long to recover from xMM. We always knew we could find the other somewhere...

 

We both lurked for 2 years and reunited twice.

 

YOU NEEEED TO GO ABSOLUTE NO CONTACT! I am being very definite about this as you can see.

 

You will never get over him completely if you don't.

 

I am sure others here will tell you the same... pretend he is dead.

 

Cat

[secretlady76]

I cannot believe that your marriage is better than ever if your AP is still in the background.

 

I totally understand where you are though. It's comforting to know that your AP is still 'around' however small the 'contact'. It's reassuring. However, the only way to move on is to go totally NC, unless you cut the cycle of 'lurking' you are never going to get over her. I know checking up on her relieves the urge, but it also creates the urge. Break the cycle.

 

On the other hand maybe you will always love your AP, maybe, if your marriage goes sour maybe you should persue a relationship with your AP, or is that not an option? Have you missed that opportunity?

 

Trust me, I know and understand your pain all too well. I am living it every day myself.

[stevie_23]

*raised hand*

 

I'm in this situation too. My long term relationship remains much the same as always, and I've not had any contact with my ex-MM (affair lasted almost 2 years) for 3 months now. He ended it. I understand why. If we were able to be together, we too would've been married by now. But we can't. So he left. But I still pine. I think he does too, judging by the songs he's still writing (and yes, there's been no DIRECT contact at all but I still know where to find him, in a passive way of observing sometimes). I don't know if maybe we always will. It's very hard.

[xxoo]

If we were single, we would be married within a week.

 

I keep score in my head about life married vs. life with the AP. And life married is way ahead.

 

Are these two statements in conflict?

 

Your behaviors and your thoughts are connected. Change your behaviors and, in time, you can change your thoughts. Checking up on the AP reinforces the thoughts of your AP. When you have an urge to check up on your AP, what can you do instead? Wait a day and see if it passes. Spend time with your kids doing something that forces you to be fully "present". Take up a hobby that helps you focus and train your mind.

 

Court your wife. Treat her like she is your dream woman, your fantasy come true. Soon enough, you may actually believe it!

[psm04]

Is there anyone else leading a normal married life but pines for their AP?

 

Yep, pretty much every day. It's not all day long, but certain situations/certain times, when I wish I could be with him. I don't know if I'll ever stop feeling that way.

[HeartWon'tHeal]

I am in the same boat and miss my AP very much and still love him. My marriage is good except for no intimacy. That is what drove me to have an affair. I longed to be touched and held by a man. To feel desirable and wanted.

 

My advice is to make a decision who you really want to be with. It is not fair for your wife to be #2 in your heart. Gee I should take my own advice but I would be alone then. It is not fair to my husband that I long for another man but he is not keeping his marriage vows by not having a physical and sexual relationship with his wife. We are basically roommates.

 

One of the valuable lessons I learned from my A is you can't look to others to provide your happiness. Only you can give that to yourself. So think twice if you think the grass is greener on the other side. You have to now the grass there too.

[JPMC]

So the plot thickened this weekend. I had a friend come to town that my wife has always been attracted to. He came to our house for dinner, lots of alcohol later, they make out and pet. She came clean to me about it but wants to sleep with him next time he was in town.

 

I've decided to let her do it. I had my own affair, I told her not to get emotionally involved.

[LFH]

Well that's unusual.

[JPMC]

I know I shouldn't open up Pandora's box, but, I mean I carried one on, what can I do? Physically, I'm fine with it, it's getting caught up emotionally. We've been married a long time. I had my fun now she can.

[Lostinlife4now]

Lurker, I wouldn't say for a long time but first time poster. I have been married 8 years, and got caught up an extremely intense long distance affair for about 3 years. My AP was married as well. We both have children. Saw each other every other month.

 

My spouse took me back, things have never been better. AP is in the midst of divorce. We haven't spoken, or emailed in 18 months. Yes there has been a little contact, i.e. lurking of social media sites. The though of my AP dating someone else give me complete anxiety.

 

Needless to say I'm still deeply in love with my AP and I know the feelings are the same. The temptation never goes away as I go forward. If we were single, we would be married within a week.

 

I'm not here to be called a narcissist, or selfish or whatever. I know I should have complete no contact, my best is 22 days without lurking I know it's an addiction and I know I have my AP on a pedestal. I guess I love the thrill of the chase and being a savior.

 

Is there anyone else leading a normal married life but pines for their AP?

 

 

First let me state..I am not married.

 

Second...I actually HATE/DISLIKE...(use whatever word you like)....HIM. (xMM)

[Finally Settled]

Will you be happy for her to carry on with her new lover for the same length of time you enjoyed yours, or will you limit it at one encounter? I think you should be very careful. I don't think many women would take such a step without feelings already being in place.

 

Have you considered the possibility that they are already embroiled in an illicit relationship now?

[JamesM]

You can't have a happy marriage and love another woman. Contradiction.

 

Your other thread spells out the affair your wife wants. She can't have her affair because you had yours and expect it to then be even.

 

I suspect that unless there is a radical change in both of your attitudes that your marriage is over. It is just a matter of time.

[JPMC]

I told her a couple of times would be fine. Get it out of your system. I don't think they are carrying on anything now. She's honest, I had a feeling something happened Wednesday. Honestly, I was fine with it. He's not breaking up with his wife.

 

If it adds a little spice, it will make things better all around.

[JPMC]

I don't agree with you James. though I appreciate the input. I do love my wife. I do love my AP. They're different people.

 

It won't happen until May, so we'll see if she gets cold feet.

[Finally Settled]

I told her a couple of times would be fine. Get it out of your system. I don't think they are carrying on anything now. She's honest, I had a feeling something happened Wednesday. Honestly, I was fine with it. He's not breaking up with his wife.

 

If it adds a little spice, it will make things better all around.

 

My exwife thought I was honest with her too.

 

You're not prepared to leave your wife for your other woman, but it didn't keep you from falling in love with her. The same may happen to your wife and she may not have the inclination to continue to reconcile with you once she's realized there are others out there for her to enjoy.

 

I wonder if she appreciated the spice you brought when you had your affair?

[TaraMaiden]

I told her a couple of times would be fine. Get it out of your system. I don't think they are carrying on anything now. She's honest, I had a feeling something happened Wednesday. Honestly, I was fine with it. He's not breaking up with his wife.

 

If it adds a little spice, it will make things better all around.

 

 

so... let's get this straight:

 

You ex AP is in the throes of divorce - obviously not happy.

 

You profess several opposites at the same time...

 

Your wife now wants to screw around (WTF??)

 

And this friend is still married - so he's going to screw over his wife now....?

 

How charming this all sounds....

 

Where do you guys live?

 

Redneck trailer-trash City?

 

I'll be sure to take a detour.

[JamesM]

I don't agree with you James. though I appreciate the input. I do love my wife. I do love my AP. They're different people.

 

It won't happen until May, so we'll see if she gets cold feet.

 

You may disagree with me. I don't mind.

 

And thank you...I like giving feedback.

 

The way you describe your "love" for your AP doesn't indicate as strong as a love for your wife. If you love this woman well enough to marry her in a week, then to me this indicates that you are staying with your wife as second choice.

 

I love my wife, too, of 23 years. Very much. I can't compare your love for your AP as I haven't been in an affair. However, I know myself a bit. I could never love two women the same. To me love is much more than a feeling inside.

 

My guess is that you love your AP more than you love your wife.

 

Question....can you imagine telling your AP to go ahead and have sex with your HS buddy like you are saying to your wife? Would you be happy to share your AP with your buddy?

 

That should help answer how well you love your wife.

 

If your marriage is happy, then why would you need more spice from another man sexually having your wife? If your wife is happy in your marriage, then why would she get so excited about having sex with another man? Why would sex with another man turn her on so much?

 

If this thread is real and you are truly contemplating these questions, then (and we may disagree) I find it hard to believe that you truly love your wife.

[JPMC]

I swear it's not a troll. And I am fully aware of everything you're saying.

 

If you gave me a lie detector I would tell you I'm more in love with my AP. It's true. Why? Probably because she's exciting, I didn't see her every day, she stroked my ego. I have a Prince Charming complex and wanted to save her.

 

But I do love my wife a lot. She forgave me for being a cheater. I was getting thing emotionally and sexually i wasn't getting from my wife. They look different, have different bodies, everything. She was the one girl I had to have.

 

But she lives 500 miles away, can't leave her state because of custody issues. I'm not moving there and abandoning my kids, my career. I know logically it won't and can't work. I knew the grass wasn't greener. And I know someone will say, if you loved your wife you wouldn't hurt her. That's just wrong.

 

It was convenient, but it was the right thing.

[JamesM]

Then your question to yourself should be....

 

What kind of love do I really have for my AP?

 

What kind of love do I have for my wife?

 

Why can I give my wife permission to have sex with my friend (who isn't really a friend)? Could I do that with my AP? Is it a need to punish myself for my own affair?

 

What does it say if my wife actually follows through with this? How will I feel about my wife after she has sex with this other guy? What emotions will she struggle with? What if she develops feelings for him?

 

Years ago, there was a movie with Demi Moore called Indecent Proposal. A rich man played by Redford offered her a million dollars for a night of sex. Long story short is she did it and it broke up her marriage with Woody Harrelson. Her husband agreed to it, and Redford said, "If you were my wife, I would never allow another man to have sex with you for no amount of money."

 

Never forgot that.

 

And you are giving permission for free.

 

She doesn't get a free card because you screwed up. It won't even the playing field. It will simply change everything about your marriage. The marriage that you have allegedly rebuilt will be broken again.

 

Are you ready for this?

[TaraMaiden]

Sorry, James.... What 'marriage'...?

I see no marriage here.

 

My comment in his other thread:

 

Then you know what you need to do?

 

you need to divorce.

 

This is not a sound, solid healthy marital relationship.

 

For you to agree to letting your wife cheat - with another married man - is just completely insane.

 

How can you possibly think this is ok?

That what is good for you, is good for her?

 

What about this other guy's wife?

You think it would be okay for her too, if she found out?

 

This is just wrong, on so many levels.

 

It's not a marriage, it's a phukkup.

 

You know what?

I don't care if you're the kind of guy who gets more fulfilment from screwing around.

I don't care if your wife is the kind of woman who gets more fulfilment from screwing around.

I don't even care if this 'friend' is a guy who gets some kind of fulfilment from screwing around.

 

What I care about is that you live a distasteful selfish lie and call it marriage.

 

All of you.

 

You should be ashamed of yourselves.

You make a mockery out of all those who have been subject to thoughts of straying and temptations - and resisted out of respect for those they made promises to.

 

Your kind of lies and disrespect for other innocent bystanders, make me sick.

[JamesM]

Sorry, James.... What 'marriage'...?

I see no marriage here.

 

My comment in his other thread:

 

I am responding to his words. he says he has rebuilt his marriage, or rather his spouse took him back.

 

And yes, I added the word "alleged." As someone married for 23 years, I find this hard to believe, too.