So is this feeling normal?

[snowfun]

Hey,

 

Been reading these forums on and off for two years; found it useful at times. Feeling a bit miserable and wanting to offload. About to start some no contact and can't get it off my mind. I mean - I'm going to work, eating (badly) and sleeping (badly) but as soon as I stop it's all I think about. I'm avoiding doing another but watching crappy TV on the sofa and have no motivation to do anything except think and worry. Am I mad, should I be able to push it from my mind? She seems to have this superhuman ability to just get on with things (one of the reasons she has managed her marriage, in my opinion). She really wants to reach a decision on whether to leave her husband or not and feels she is not able to do that with me there. She seems to be coping with this impending separation far better than me. I want her to be feeling as awful as I do.

 

So, is this a sign she doesn't care? Is she simply better at isolating her feelings? Or should I force myself to continue with my life as if this isn't happening? I don't know how to do that.

 

I probably know the answers but just wanted some people to listen.

 

Thanks.

[promises]

Completely my opinion having been the OW. I feel like the xMM is not in nearly as much pain/distress over this because from the beginning he compartmentalized my time with him. I was always waiting/hoping/eager to hear from him and see him. He knew that and also that his home life was first priority.

 

It is a harsh reality to come to. But, I do know that the minute I start to move forward in my thoughts and distance, he seems to pop back up. An attention thing?? Not sure. I don't doubt he had feelings for me, but, things have to be going poorly at home I would assume when he breaks NC.

 

Sorry you are hurting.

[jwi71]

. Am I mad, should I be able to push it from my mind?

 

No, not mad at all.

I do think you are missing the obvious though....

 

She seems to have this superhuman ability to just get on with things (one of the reasons she has managed her marriage, in my opinion).

 

...and the obvious is she has a H and family and all those accouterments to keep her busy, occupied and otherwise distracted.

 

Form your post...it seems like SHE occupies more of your life than YOU occupy of HER life.

 

Not a good place to be in.

 

She really wants to reach a decision on whether to leave her husband or not and feels she is not able to do that with me there.

 

This is true - she cannot decide which life is better until she returns to the life she knew before you. The opposite is also true - she could leave and be with you and test the same - but of course she CANT do that now can she - at least she cant do that and keep you a secret provided you are one.

 

I want her to be feeling as awful as I do.

 

Tell her H (if he doesn't know already - and I assume not)

 

I probably know the answers but just wanted some people to listen.

 

Mind sharing those answers?

[snowfun]

Thanks for your reply.

 

I still have hope (arguably a bad thing) that things will work out. The situation is weighted against me, of course, and it's complicated but it's still a possibility. I think hope is what's making it so hard.

 

I have no bad feelings for her though. She's a fundamentally lovely person who is stuck in a difficult situation, albeit of her own making. I'm not defending what has happened and I do feel some guilt but what is done is done. You can't change history and lives are not what they were two years ago. I feel a decision needs to be based on where we are at now. That's her call I suppose.

 

Anyway, thanks for listening. Didn't want to type a history of, just needed to vent.

[snowfun]

No, not mad at all.

I do think you are missing the obvious though....

 

 

 

...and the obvious is she has a H and family and all those accouterments to keep her busy, occupied and otherwise distracted.

 

Form your post...it seems like SHE occupies more of your life than YOU occupy of HER life.

 

Not a good place to be in.

 

 

 

This is true - she cannot decide which life is better until she returns to the life she knew before you. The opposite is also true - she could leave and be with you and test the same - but of course she CANT do that now can she - at least she cant do that and keep you a secret provided you are one.

 

 

 

Tell her H (if he doesn't know already - and I assume not)

 

 

 

Mind sharing those answers?

 

Thanks for replying.

 

I'd say I agree with all of your points. That's pretty much the case for most OW/M in this situation.

 

I am not known to him, but not a secret as far as her own family and close friends are concerned. They are living together, but separately. She needs to make a decision to stay, and "re-enter" her marriage or leave and start a new relationship.

 

Nonetheless, I agree. I'm not in a good place and I'd like to not be here.

[sunshine6]

I feel the same way, Promises. Why is it that he pops back up just when you're getting to a good place?

[skylarblue]

So, is this a sign she doesn't care? Is she simply better at isolating her feelings?

Maybe. Or it could mean any of a number of other things. No one can really answer that question but her, and no one on this forum could make a closer guess about it than you.

 

She really wants to reach a decision on whether to leave her husband or not and feels she is not able to do that with me there.

Why can't this be the true answer? IMO it would be much easier to accept than imagining the worst possibilities in your mind.

 

I know part of the reason I broke up with xMM is because I wanted to be able to commit FULLY to a R. There was no way I could do that with him in my life romantically. There was no way I could give fully of myself if part of me was devoted to someone else (him). Conversely, there was no way he was going to make his BW feel sufficiently satisfied and "secure" within the M as long he held love and commitment for me. It doesn't mean I didn't think about him all of the time or miss him terribly. I absolutely did. It had nothing to do with the measure of how I felt for him. It had all to do with the necessary steps I had to take in order to find/determine my course.

 

She seems to be coping with this impending separation far better than me.

Short of calling you to say how miserable she is, which goes against the point of NC, you're not going to know how she's processing it (and you're only going to imagine negative things). Maybe she is having a better time at coping. Or maybe her way of dealing with it hides her emotions. Part of getting over heartbreak is getting past focus of how the other person is coping because it's still creates attachment, and you're either going to find yourself in the same stagnant, heartbreaking situation by loving the one you can't be with or

suffering from the disappointments of them not behaving/reacting in the manner you think one should.

 

I have no bad feelings for her though. She's a fundamentally lovely person who is stuck in a difficult situation, albeit of her own making.

I want her to be feeling as awful as I do.

I understand the feeling. No one wants to be the one who loved more after a break up.

Suggestion, if you really feel she is as described don't wish her further difficulty and heartbreak by experiencing the pain that you are. Wish for her what you want for yourself. To be happy in and with life (whether that includes you or not).

 

As you said, what's done is done. Decide the future and move towards that goal. Yes, it will be a struggle (Rome wasn't built in a day), but you won't move forward until you allow yourself to. I think when you "feel" that saying instead of just saying it, it will allow for some good progress (at least it does for me).

 

Or should I force myself to continue with my life as if this isn't happening? I don't know how to do that.

Well, when you experience downfalls you only have 2 choices: stay down or learn to get up. I don't think anyone knows how to "force" him/herself through a low point. You just try and try hard until it works. As long as you're trying, you're not wallowing, and you're allowing yourself to heal.

[justwhoiam]

HI'm going to work, eating (badly) and sleeping (badly) but as soon as I stop it's all I think about. I'm avoiding doing another but watching crappy TV on the sofa and have no motivation to do anything except think and worry.

Tell me about it...

 

Am I mad

Not yet.

 

should I be able to push it from my mind?

Almost impossible. But not absolutely impossible.

 

She seems to have this superhuman ability to just get on with things

When I tell him: "I'm not like you, I'm not as good as you are at dealing with this...", he says: How do you know how good I am at that? How do you know how I feel?, well, I guess that's his way to say he just doesn't let me know, but he has his share of thinking and torturing too.

 

She seems to be coping with this impending separation far better than me.

You just cannot know. You're just assuming.

 

I want her to be feeling as awful as I do.

Now, this is some statement. Probably, you need to know she loves you as deeply as you do, and to you, suffering is the only way to show that internal fight and deepness. But consider that some are just better at hiding their own feelings.

 

So, is this a sign she doesn't care?

Maybe she's less involved than you are. But not necessarily. In short, we cannot tell for sure.

 

I think NC can be a double-edged sword. Even when it's you asking for it. I know for a fact that a woman can ask for NC, even if she hopes not to get there from the bottom of her heart. She might feel it's necessary, and still not want it, even when it's her asking for it. I've been there, and the only thing I was hoping for was for it not to be over, was that he would soon contact me back again. And I'm not sure how common this is among women, I should research about it, but women tend to set deadlines for this kind of things, like absolute resolutions. Like: if he doesn't contact me by Sunday 5 pm, it's over, and I won't go back.

[snowfun]

 

I understand the feeling. No one wants to be the one who loved more after a break up.

Suggestion, if you really feel she is as described don't wish her further difficulty and heartbreak by experiencing the pain that you are. Wish for her what you want for yourself. To be happy in and with life (whether that includes you or not).

 

As you said, what's done is done. Decide the future and move towards that goal. Yes, it will be a struggle (Rome wasn't built in a day), but you won't move forward until you allow yourself to. I think when you "feel" that saying instead of just saying it, it will allow for some good progress (at least it does for me).

 

Really good advice and I'm going to take it. It's deciding that you're ready to progress that's difficult. I know, right now, I can't move forward with her and to do so without would be leaving her behind. That's a tough choice to make even if you know it's the right one. In a month I start a new job in a new city with has good prospects and pays better. I need to sort my head out by then and make that my priority.

[snowfun]

 

Now, this is some statement. Probably, you need to know she loves you as deeply as you do, and to you, suffering is the only way to show that internal fight and deepness. But consider that some are just better at hiding their own feelings.

 

Yeah, I didn't mean it quite like that but you've pretty much nailed what I was trying to say. I want her to be as desperate as I am to see her and talk to her. And you're right, maybe she is better at controlling those feelings. I suppose this brings us back to my original question; am I being weak for not being able to do this? Everybody deals with things differently I suppose.

 

Thanks for all your replies. They have been helpful. It's weird; you can read a million similar stories but hearing responses to your own problem does seem to help, even if you've read them countless times in other threads.

[justwhoiam]

am I being weak for not being able to do this? Everybody deals with things differently I suppose.

Well, yes. You are weak when you give in. But it also takes a lot of strength to go on and face all the difficulties.

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

A few months into my A, (we were both M), I had got to the point where I couldn't hurt my H anymore... so I did the same thing to my OMM... that I couldn't really figure out if my problem in the marriage was a problem unless we stopped the A. I couldn't see clearly otherwise. So, we stopped most contact for a little bit, and it didn't take long before I realized that I was still just as unhappy and the problems in my M were still there regardless of the A. SO, I will say that I'm sure she is finding things out, but it doesn't mean it's easy (since, I think that's what you're asking or hoping to hear).. I missed my AP greatly during that time, but it would have been slightly counter productive had I told him that or acted on those feelings during that time.

 

I ended up separating from my H (it'll be a year next month, then we'll D). But, it took me not having the OMM in the picture to see US clearly. And to see what was missing or wrong. (Not that OMM is the right answer by any means, but it still was a sure sign I didn't need to be married anymore and it wasn't fair to my H).

 

So, there's still hope if thats what you mean. But, waiting is awful. Not knowing is the worst feeling. So, the best thing for you to do is mentally convince yourself she is 'making it work' with him and if she does happen to split from her H.... then you can worry about that when it happens. But, you can't live your life waiting for someone else to make up their mind. Good luck.

[Catplates]

She is everything to you and you are just a piece of her whole life.

 

YOu are not her priority at all.

 

That's what affairs are like for the outside third party.

 

It leaves you in a pretty dark place at times, I know.

 

It is better not to be there, so if you don't want to go totally mad, then walk away now. Stop waiting for her to fiddle faddle around with your feelings.

 

Cat.

[promises]

She is everything to you and you are just a piece of her whole life.

 

YOu are not her priority at all.

 

That's what affairs are like for the outside third party.

 

It leaves you in a pretty dark place at times, I know.

 

It is better not to be there, so if you don't want to go totally mad, then walk away now. Stop waiting for her to fiddle faddle around with your feelings.

 

Cat.

 

This is so incredibly true.

[Act Two]

I'm a former wayward so take this for what it's worth.

 

This? "She really wants to reach a decision on whether to leave her husband or not and feels she is not able to do that with me there."

 

It's the ONLY way to go. Listen to what she is saying and respect her- give her space and NO CONTACT. You don't want her to leave her husband for you, do you? She needs to be clear in her mind if her marriage is worth fighting for or whether she wants a divorce without you in the picture.

 

If you stay in the picture and meet some of her needs, you could actually help her stay in an unfulfilled or bad marriage.

 

I respect the difficulty of going NC, hell, I failed at that a lot, but it's the only way to go for your own sanity and for her as well.

 

Best wishes to you.

[snowfun]

GreyhoundtoNowhere & Act Two: do you mind sharing where you are now? GTN; did you revive things with OMM? Your situation sounds similar to mine (although I'm single). You've used her words almost exactly. She also says she holds back on saying things to me or showing me emotion as it would not be productive/helpful. But then, she's always the one to break NC. In the past I've been guilty of it but I'm at a stage where I don't see the point and all I'd have to say is how terrible I'm feeling. I don't know why she does it to be honest. They are actually about to start some counselling. She says they're not going to try and work things out but to figure out what they want to do, what has happened and whether they even want to try again. Proper NC starts then, at the moment it's occasional phone calls.

 

 

Thanks again for replies, although find some hard to read. These direct, to the point posts are the best/worst. I want to jump up and defend her and the relationship even though I know what I'm being told is true. Nobody wants to admit to themselves the reality of the situation which is probably why we're all still here in the first place.

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

GreyhoundtoNowhere & Act Two: do you mind sharing where you are now? GTN; did you revive things with OMM? Your situation sounds similar to mine (although I'm single). You've used her words almost exactly. She also says she holds back on saying things to me or showing me emotion as it would not be productive/helpful.

 

I'm not proud to say that I am (now single), but still in the A with MM. When I told my OMM that I needed to see where I stood with my exH, we stopped contact (he said he'd be there when the 'dust settled' from my decision), and then he had a slight dday with his W over that break (she just found some flirty texts). So he had also needed to go NC. In that time, when forced to be without MM, I was able to see the situation for what it was (in my M) because it was true that having both ... made it easier to stay married. Without it, I saw what was missing, what I needed/wanted, and could look at my marriage clearly. I ended up coming clean with my H, and realized the moment where I was more upset about losing/missing MM, then the hurt I caused my H.... that it was time to end the M.

So, I did. We legally separated, and next month we will divorce.

She will either realize what she has with you and change where she is, or she won't. It sounds simple,because it really is when it comes down to it. Good luck.