c_jaxx Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 i feel like a terrible person for all of my actions here, but I need some outside perspective on this situation and I cant go to this with local friends. last summer a MW fell in love with me. we had the same shifts at work with a lot of downtime, so we had a great deal of time to talk to one another. we discovered we had alot of the same interests and that we shared a very similar perspective on life. I fell for her even though i was already in a relationship. one day after work we met up for some drinks. i now know both of us have a bad alcohol problem, but i didn't then. we got extremely drunk, we went back to her place (her husband was out of town) and we kissed, then gave each other oral sex. the next morning we felt distraught, and promised to not tell anybody about it. we wanted to protect the friendship that we were establishing but there was alot of guilt. i wanted to tell my girlfriend about what we had done but the MW said it would ruin the friendship me and her had. i had an emotional attachment to the MW at this point, and we didn't know what to do. her marriage had alot of problems already, so she was thinking of leaving it so we could be together. at the time i was so infatuated i thought this would be okay. she wanted for us to be really strong friends if we couldn't be together. i broke up with my girlfriend, but i didn't tell her all of these details. i just felt like i couldn't be with her with all that had happened, although we broke up for reasons other than the above as well. although the MW and i made promises not to fool around again, it would happen anyways when we drank. we would berate one another after, but would continue to do it. i felt immense guilt after every time. the MW and MM eventually began restoring their marriage with each other- they wanted to have kids and i did not, so i gracefully bowed out in pursuing her, but she wanted to keep the friendship. i did, too. but every time i see the two of them i feel a lot of guilt and i feel like i am lying to her husband. i feel like they can't really restore the marriage without the nature of her and i being explained, but at the same time she is one of my best friends. i care for her deeply but feel like i am just going to hurt her and her marriage in the long run. is it possible for us to remain friends or am i overreacting? should i bow out? Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 Yes. Go away. Leave. Let them be. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 i feel like a terrible person for all of my actions here, but I need some outside perspective on this situation and I cant go to this with local friends Basic rule of thumb..If you have to hide a person and a relationship, then it isn't a healthy one and it'll cause a lot of heartache, drama, pain and not only to yourself, but to innocent people (her husband, and kids).. No you two cannot be friends. You two crossed that line by having sex. If you two were 'true' friends, then neither of you would have let it happen. As for the drinking - Get help. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 Welcome to LS How's AA coming along? Focus on yourself. Your former lover is focusing on herself and her M. That's a good example. Would your disappearance from their social life be viewed as suspicious? An example would be if you and her H used to hang out together and then all of a sudden you declined social invitations/ couldn't make it to dinner, etc, etc.... Anything like that? I've known a couple MW's like that but have always had strong boundaries surrounding inappropriate sexual contact. Generally, the healthiest action has been to acknowledge the feelings, validate that they're inappropriate and choose to distance myself from the dynamic. It took a couple of incidents when young to solidify that process but it works pretty good. Haven't yet had a MW look me up after divorcing so, as is generally accepted, I was a distraction/fantasy/validation when they needed/wanted one and generally irrelevant otherwise. Good information. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author c_jaxx Posted January 12, 2013 Author Share Posted January 12, 2013 thank you all for the replies. i feel miserable about the situation - it has caused me a substantial amount of problems in my life. i havent a clue on how to approach the topic with her, but i think i am going to have that conversation sometime this coming week. Link to post Share on other sites
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