Jump to content

Why can't I get him out of my head


Recommended Posts

I've been in a relationship for 7 years. I cheated once 2 years ago with the only other person I'd ever been with and immediately told my BF and continued our relationship. I also cut off the OM (who is single) because I didn't want to hurt him anymore then I already had by allowing it to get to such an emotional then one time physical level.

 

To this day I can't get the OM out of my head. We've talked here and there but it's always me initiating the texts or calls. My BF wants nothing more then for me to be with him forever but I find myself suffering from GIGS. It's unfair and I know it. I broke up with him 4 months ago but it only lasted a month. I want the phases and continuous feeling for the OM to go away but they don't. My life would be completely different and I'd lose many people I care about if i were to end up with him. However some crazy part of my brain allows me to think the reason I can't stop thinking about the OM is because we should be together or should have been together. I always look for closure from the OM and he does a great job at letting me have it and I tell him to forget about me. Then I think of him and act on my impulses and contact him. But I don't know what I'm looking for!

 

In my head it is much more complicated and many more details but that's the long story short. Any insight would be appreciated! Thanks.

Edited by Jms3
Link to post
Share on other sites
whichwayisup

Tell your boyfriend the truth and go from there. 7 years is a long time with someone and if you aren't feeling it anymore and want someone else, then it's time to end it. Don't marry him and do not even think about children with your boyfriend until you are sure.

 

What would you like to happen. Please be honest.

 

You have to be OK with being alone. Let's say you and your bf break up..And then you pursue the OM and he isn't interested in you anymore or if you do date him and it doesn't work out, then you're with no one. Hope this makes sense.

 

Staying in the comforts and safety of a relationship yet you're into someone else is not fair to your boyfriend.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

What is GIGS? I didn't find it in the list of acronyms.

 

I'm also going through that stage of wanting to get the OM out of my head! Joining this forum I think is a good start. I know that I need to do the healthy things like working out and getting busy, but it's not easy!!! Hang in there.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Now that I know what GIGS is, then I'm with you in that! Thanks, Decorative.

 

I agree that 7 years is a long time! Please don't be like me who wasted 19 years being married and now just had an affair with my ex bf after 26 years of not being with each other. The longer you prolong the final decision because maybe it's easier to stay with your bf or you don't want to be alone like me, the longer it will take for you to move on and then before you know it you've wasted so much time like me.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I think people often say to others in similar situations to yourself that if you leave and pursue this other guy, that the excitement and newness of your possible new relationship will soon wear off and you could be feeling the same 7 years down the line. In other words, the grass isn't always greener. Whilst I agree with the GIG concept, I diagree with this perspective.

 

Of course it could be true - who knows how we're going to feel in the future. But we also evolve into different people in the future, and so I don't think that's a good enough reason for you to ignore those nagging feelings. Those feelings may be there because subconsciously you don't feel as though you have grown enough as an individual to carry on in a long-term relationship. Maybe it's run its course - not necessarily for any reason other than the fact that you're changing and growing.

 

I'm sure if you do decide to end your relationship and have some time on your own, or in a new relationship, that you'll be grateful you did so in the future. After all, our individual experiences help us to grow into the person we are to become.

 

But of course 7 years is a long time, and your attachment to your boyfriend, and the life you have made together, may well overshadow your true feelings. Ending it can be scary thought - but it doesn't mean it's the wrong one.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I definitely agree with what everyone is saying. And I know that every situation is unique and no one knows what the future will hold. I should have said this before to make things easier but my number one complaint is sex. For 7 years I've stuck with him even with him cheating on me because I was young and thought my life would be over without him. Our sex stinks. We are open about it and have tried new things but he still doesn't seem to understand that he needs to focus on me.

 

It gets frustrating and my attraction to him fades. He is an amazing person. If our sex was better I think I could live with everything else I'm beginning to notice. For instance, he has different political, moral, and different interests than I have. And it's beginning to bother me because I think I could connect with someone else on another level. Like I mentioned previously, I faced my feelings and broke up with him. We got back together a month later. During that time, I lost friends and family because of my decision and didn't even kiss another man. We got back together on promises that we would work on things. He's doing everything he can but its not enough for me. Everyone thinks we are destined to marry. His family wouldn't understand my feelings and he's not very open minded when it comes to understanding my complex feelings. So if I were to explain this to him, he'd freak. His huge family would turn against me and I'd lose friends, and look crazy! Even though I know I'm not, it wouldn't matter because I can't explain myself to everyone and not everyone will agree. I use the OM as a hope but in reality I'd probably be alone.

 

I just can't decide if leaving 7 years of my life is worth the pain or if I'm subjecting myself to more pain by staying in a relationship that may never fulfill my desires. I already feel incredibly guilty for not being strong enough to talk to him but its difficult because its not a private relationship. Our family and friends have always been a constant part of it. I'd be the bad guy. Am I selfish and ungrateful? He treats me so well but I can tell he's vulnerable bc of the month break up and it turns me off. I'm in a pickle :(

Link to post
Share on other sites
I definitely agree with what everyone is saying. And I know that every situation is unique and no one knows what the future will hold. I should have said this before to make things easier but my number one complaint is sex. For 7 years I've stuck with him even with him cheating on me because I was young and thought my life would be over without him. Our sex stinks. We are open about it and have tried new things but he still doesn't seem to understand that he needs to focus on me.

Have you showed him what you like, where and how you liked to be touched? What all have you tried? Roleplay? What do you mean focus? Does he not do any foreplay?

 

Overall it sounds like you might have GIGOS

Link to post
Share on other sites

I know it's tough but his family shouldn't factor into your decision to end things. And you certainly don't need to explain yourself to them. This sounds like it could be another reason for you staying with him...which ultimately, is just going to lead to resentment and unhappiness.

 

How old are you both? Why is the sex so bad, do you just not connect between the sheets?

 

I think sex is the glue that holds a relationship together, so if things are lacking in this area, it all tends to fall apart. Maybe when you're older, things will be different, although maybe not. But for now, this is a big deal to you, and you shouldn't ignore it.

 

It sounds like some single time would do you the world of good. Learn things about yourself, get to know yourself and go on a journey of independence and self discovery. This will change you as a person (in a good way), and you will grow up and figure out what you want and don't want in many areas of life. I can safely say the guy I would have chosen 7 years ago would most definitely not be the guy I would choose now! As I'm a completely different person, and much wiser.

 

You are young, you have LOTS of time. Time to be single, to have new relationships, and to maybe meet someone you're even more suited to. What's meant to be, will be. Don't let fear hold you back :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
I definitely agree with what everyone is saying. And I know that every situation is unique and no one knows what the future will hold. I should have said this before to make things easier but my number one complaint is sex. For 7 years I've stuck with him even with him cheating on me because I was young and thought my life would be over without him. Our sex stinks. We are open about it and have tried new things but he still doesn't seem to understand that he needs to focus on me.

 

It gets frustrating and my attraction to him fades. He is an amazing person. If our sex was better I think I could live with everything else I'm beginning to notice. For instance, he has different political, moral, and different interests than I have. And it's beginning to bother me because I think I could connect with someone else on another level. Like I mentioned previously, I faced my feelings and broke up with him. We got back together a month later. During that time, I lost friends and family because of my decision and didn't even kiss another man. We got back together on promises that we would work on things. He's doing everything he can but its not enough for me. Everyone thinks we are destined to marry. His family wouldn't understand my feelings and he's not very open minded when it comes to understanding my complex feelings. So if I were to explain this to him, he'd freak. His huge family would turn against me and I'd lose friends, and look crazy! Even though I know I'm not, it wouldn't matter because I can't explain myself to everyone and not everyone will agree. I use the OM as a hope but in reality I'd probably be alone.

 

I just can't decide if leaving 7 years of my life is worth the pain or if I'm subjecting myself to more pain by staying in a relationship that may never fulfill my desires. I already feel incredibly guilty for not being strong enough to talk to him but its difficult because its not a private relationship. Our family and friends have always been a constant part of it. I'd be the bad guy. Am I selfish and ungrateful? He treats me so well but I can tell he's vulnerable bc of the month break up and it turns me off. I'm in a pickle :(

 

What you are describing is a R in its decline.

 

The 7 years is not lost or wasted - you learned. You learned about you, and R's and how extended families function and interact. You learned what you like, what you need, what you can live with and what you cannot.

 

How is any of that a waste?

 

It sounds like you are simply afraid to make a change. We all are to some degree.

 

So...whats it to be...M and the rest of your life as it is now?

Or are you gonna make that change?

 

No choice is right or wrong. Just different paths with different challenges and different rewards.

 

What''ll it be?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Michael Johnson
I've been in a relationship for 7 years. I cheated once 2 years ago with the only other person I'd ever been with and immediately told my BF and continued our relationship. I also cut off the OM (who is single) because I didn't want to hurt him anymore then I already had by allowing it to get to such an emotional then one time physical level.

 

You're hurting your relationship, thus hurting your bf with your continued cheating and pining with OM.

 

To this day I can't get the OM out of my head. We've talked here and there but it's always me initiating the texts or calls. My BF wants nothing more then for me to be with him forever but I find myself suffering from GIGS.

 

You're not suffering from GIGS. The Grass Is Greener Syndrome is when someone who is in a relationship but wants to be single for other potential mates. You're still in contact with this OM for the last 2 years after having sex with him so this affair hasn't really ended, just died down to a simmer.

 

By the way does your bf know you've still been in contact with OM for the last 2 years?

 

It's unfair and I know it. I broke up with him 4 months ago but it only lasted a month. I want the phases and continuous feeling for the OM to go away but they don't.

 

They won't go away because you're not allowing them to. They won't go away because you're still talking to OM.

 

My life would be completely different and I'd lose many people I care about if i were to end up with him.

 

The sex and political alignments and disagreements are irrelevant here IMO. You've been giving years of your energy and thoughts to someone else, which makes it hard for you to have a great relationship with your bf. Your continued contact with OM is the reason why you don't see your bf as a shining night in amour right now. Your family or his family has nothing to do with this.

 

However some crazy part of my brain allows me to think the reason I can't stop thinking about the OM is because we should be together or should have been together. I always look for closure from the OM and he does a great job at letting me have it and I tell him to forget about me. Then I think of him and act on my impulses and contact him. But I don't know what I'm looking for!

 

In my head it is much more complicated and many more details but that's the long story short. Any insight would be appreciated! Thanks.

 

You're infatuated with OM and you're allowing your idea of a happily-ever-after scenario to drag your relationship with your bf to the gutter. If you're not willing to commit to your bf fully and give him your attention, then honestly you're wasting his time (and yours) that he could spend being with someone who will love him completely. I think the best option here is to let him go find someone who's compatible with him.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...