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Coworkers?friends?emotional affair? Friend? Acquaintances?


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 24th December 2012, 3:24 PM   #1
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Coworkers?friends?emotional affair? Friend? Acquaintances?

Hello everyone,
I really need your opinion on this it's messing with my head. Have to apologize in advance for the long post. Little background on me and my friend. I'm married for 10 yrs, in early 30's and have two kids, and he is married for 15 yrs, in early 40's and has 2 kids of his own. We met one time through work about 5-6 years ago and my first impression of him was not good at all. He looked like he was full of himself. About two years ago, we ended up working on the project together. He didn't remember meeting me before, but probably because I had a different hair color and was 8 months pregnant LOL. Anyhow, 1st 6-9 months of the project, we were speaking about work only and would see each other maybe once a week. Business relationship only. I noticed from the getgo that he would always check me out whenever we saw each other, would stair in my eyes whenever we would talk. When he asked me why I am cold towards him, I said straight out that I trust my 1st instinct and it wasn't good 5-6 years ago. He didn't like that because his face said it all but seemed like he wanted to prove it to me that's not who he really is. We started talking more about everything and anything and I started to doubt my 1st instinct. He spoke of his family as well and I said to him that we should hang out as couples. We spoke about hanging out but it never happened, seemed that he never wanted to make it happen. One time when I asked him about getting together with our spouses, he asked if my husband and I were swingers. When I told him that I was offended by his question and told him to go screw himself for even asking something like this, he said that lately that's who he has been meeting and was just checking. Few months into our closer relationship, we would occasionally text each other, project was almost done and if we didn't see each other for few weeks, just normal text, hi, how you doing? Or have a great vacation ect. I need to say that we are both huge flirts, and yes, we were flirting but nothing to serious, staring, checking each other out, complaining sometimes about our marriages, lack of attention, presents, sex. But all conversations were sort of fun talk and making joke out of it. We were both doing the same thing, it wasn't only me or him.
One night I had a huge fight with my husband and ended up drinking wine and texting with my friend. We crossed a line with discussing things that we shouldn't discuss as married friends. I told him that I liked him. In the middle of our texting he just stopped replying. One time I asked him what would his wife say about our texting and he said he could show her our texts. I know I would not show my husband. Anyhow, next day, I realized what I was doing was wrong, I sent him an email apologizing for my texts and my behaviour, it was inappropriate and it should not have happened. I realized it was some sort of Emotional Affair with him, and I spoke to my husband what happened, why it happened, what I felt was lacking in our marriage. I knew deep down if he made a move I would not say no. Hubby was not happy at all, he knew who this guy was, they met one time at the business dinner, but I had to be honest with my husband. I stopped texting my friend, I didn't see him for couple of months as project has wrapped up and we only emailed about work couple of times. I even avoided calling him regarding business, as emails were easier on me.
When we saw each other after that one time incident inappropriate texting we both acted business like, I avoided his eye contact but his checking me out, staring did not stop. I don't know how to explain, but I put all feelings aside and looked at him as a business associate only. I was working on repairing my marriage, we stopped talking about our spouses, everything personally related, it was all business. All things aside, whatever happened, he really is a good, honest person, who works hard, takes care of family and whenever you need something he will go out of his way to help out. I noticed him like that with others not just me. I started looking at him as a friend only, and I knew due to our business relationship I could not avoid him completely. I changed my behaviour completely, I think I was an initiator in previous personal conversations and I stopped that. But then he started calling me by a nick name, he shortened my name, but everyone calls me by my full name only (except my husband), he would constantly touch my arm or shoulder when we are talking in group settings. When we would see each other, it would be hi or shake of hands, no hugs but I would notice him standing almost all the time either right across from me or by me. I felt like now he wants my attention.
One night few months ago, we ended up together at the same business party. Since I work with mostly men, I was actually the only woman in this group of 6 men, only people I knew at the party. Party was big but I didn't know a lot of people. My plan was to show my face for an hour for business reasons, but my friend was begging me to stay, and to be honest we really had a good time. I felt like he was keeping an eye on me during a party. If he separated from the group, I could see in the corner of my eye, he was watching. Towards the end of the party, another group of men joined them and I knew it was late and I really should just go home. I was comfortable, I can handle mid age men but it wasn't my place to go somewhere else for a drink. My friend ended up texting me 3-4 times that evening just to make sure I made it home. Next day he texted again how much fun they had and that I should have joined them. I really had a lot of fun and just confirmed that he really is a nice caring friend. That evening I met one of his very close friends who owned a business and ended up offering me a job couple of weeks later. The offer was very tempting and too good to be true, but I called my friend to get more information not just from business prospective but his opinion of this friend. I really appreciated his honesty and he said, I know my friend for 20 years, he is somehow related to his wife... anyhow, he gave me so many good pointers and helped me make a persona business decision that most of people would never do. And I respected him even more as a friend then I can explain.
Lately, whenever we talk or see each other, only work related, he would be so nice, so polite (polite like overly polite), still checks me out like always and is touchy feely (maybe that's the way he is with friends) I have a gut feeling that now that I backed off and treat him only like a friend, have my distance, that he is trying to pull me back in.
Last week, I was having a lunch with his partner and his partner said that he invited my friend. He didn't show up but texted me couple of times during lunch that he is trying to make it (was very busy at work) and then sent an apology text that he is not able to make it. I exchanged Christmas presents with his partner and since my friend didn't show up I sent via his partner a bottle for for friend. He texted shortly after thanking me. The next day, 1st thing in the morning, he texted me (he usually doesn't do that) and asked if he can see me for couple of minutes somewhere as he is rushing to work, wants to do a lunch with me but doesn't have time now, maybe after holidays. So we met half way to my and his work. As soon as he saw me he had a huge grin of his face and open his arms to give me a full frontal hug. We never ever hug and he made plans to get together after holidays since he couldn't make it a day before.
I am lost and confused. We crossed the line at the beginning of our friendship, but I put a stop to it, he pulled back as well, but we were able to find mutual likings and remain friends. But I have a feeling, just the way he is acting that he likes me more then a work friend. Is it because I pulled back, or not, as he does not act like that with other females.
I would not mind having someone as him in my life as he turned out a very good person, friend and we can always end up working again on the new project. I always say never break bridges behind you and the company he works for is really involved in the industry I work. We will end up working together sooner then later. He obviously does not want our spouses or kids to hang out, our project is long over, why be overly friendly, why not keep the business relationship only?
I am trying so hard to figure it out because I would not want to lose him as a friend or a business acquaintance, but if there is a change that he might want something more then a friend, it's time for me to completely pull back.
Help me out here understand him, a mature man, why would he need a new female friend. Why hugs and all that? It's driving me nut because I was finally able to move on from him and concentrate on my family and marriage and he is pulling me back in. This time completely differently, like totally different approach. WHY?
Help me out here!!!
Sorry again for the long post. Thank you and Merry Christmas.
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Old 24th December 2012, 4:00 PM   #2
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Anytime I spoke to my friend or saw him my husband knew all the details about it. I was happy that I got the distance from my friend but I don't get him now.
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Old 24th December 2012, 4:06 PM   #3
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Thanks Alice for your reply, I really appreciate it. But maybe I'm trying to understand men and their friendship at work especially since I work with mostly men. If I go to work thinking that every man wants to bed me then I have to hide from everyone. I spoke to my friend few moths back and we settled on friendship. So I'm just trying to understand why is he acting the way he is. Especially that I am happy always in good mood. If he wanted to sleep with me he could have 18 months ago. Why not then but want it now?
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Old 24th December 2012, 4:14 PM   #4
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Thank you for being straight forward I really needed to hear it from somebody else's prospective.
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Old 28th December 2012, 11:41 PM   #5
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Any male friend I've had, it's been simple. If a friendship with a guy becomes complicated and you always have to wonder what is going on, what they think and even more so if there's flirting and feelings at all involved, it is not a platonic friendship. And, it is a danger to your marriage and what you feel for your husband.

I"m sure you wouldn't like it if your husband had a close woman friend.... I think you know where I'm going with this.
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Old 28th December 2012, 11:43 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RedHead33 View Post
Thanks Alice for your reply, I really appreciate it. But maybe I'm trying to understand men and their friendship at work especially since I work with mostly men. If I go to work thinking that every man wants to bed me then I have to hide from everyone. I spoke to my friend few moths back and we settled on friendship. So I'm just trying to understand why is he acting the way he is. Especially that I am happy always in good mood. If he wanted to sleep with me he could have 18 months ago. Why not then but want it now?
Most men would keep that to themselves. The ones who talk about it, flirt and make moves are NOT friends. I worked with many men in the past and there's joking around, harmless fun, and then there's flirting with 'intent'. Everybody knows the difference, especially between 'fun flirting' and 'sexual flirting'.
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Old 29th December 2012, 12:11 AM   #7
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You're not respecting your husband or your marriage by focusing so much time and attention on this "friend".

He's not a friend! He's possibly going to blow up your whole world. But YOU re ALLOWiNG it by paying ANY attention to him.

You don't act married. I feel sad for your husband.
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