Bailey14 Posted December 16, 2012 Share Posted December 16, 2012 My MM's son was recently diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor......MM has decided that he cannot expect God to listen to his prayers if he is involved in an adulterous affair. He has informed me that we cannot have a physical relationship while his son is having his chemotherapy treatments. He wants everything about our relationship to continue with the exception of the sex. Why is it that I can understand any contact is adulterous but, he cannot?? Link to post Share on other sites
promises Posted December 16, 2012 Share Posted December 16, 2012 hmm. What do YOU want? His sons illness, although difficult is not about you. Consider that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bailey14 Posted December 16, 2012 Author Share Posted December 16, 2012 Tell me a kittle bit more, LG. In what way is he trying to fool me? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bailey14 Posted December 16, 2012 Author Share Posted December 16, 2012 hmm. What do YOU want? His sons illness, although difficult is not about you. Consider that. What do I want? I am almost afraid to answer that because I know it won't be received well. I want him in my life. Link to post Share on other sites
promises Posted December 16, 2012 Share Posted December 16, 2012 What do I want? I am almost afraid to answer that because I know it won't be received well. I want him in my life. Then that is what you want. You may get to a point where it's too much, you may not. I'm certainly not going to judge your decisions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tenacity Posted December 16, 2012 Share Posted December 16, 2012 My MM's son was recently diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor......MM has decided that he cannot expect God to listen to his prayers if he is involved in an adulterous affair. He has informed me that we cannot have a physical relationship while his son is having his chemotherapy treatments. He wants everything about our relationship to continue with the exception of the sex. Why is it that I can understand any contact is adulterous but, he cannot?? I am an expert on married men justifying their decisions based on the religion of the moment. I'm sorry that his son has such a serious situation. But, this should be a huge wake up call to you. Just because his penis isn't in your vagina doesn't change the fact that it's an affair, no matter what he says. Trust me and years of learning this the hard way: he is putting you in your place. And it's not with him... not when important things in his life come up. Do you see this? Don't give him the benefit of continuing the affair without the sex just because it works for HIM. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bailey14 Posted December 16, 2012 Author Share Posted December 16, 2012 Thank you, Promises. I just feel so sad that a part of our relationship that is so precious to me has ended......temporarily or permanently. Who knows? And what do you do with sexual attraction when there is no sex? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 16, 2012 Share Posted December 16, 2012 Bailey, his focus now for a long time is going to be on his son and I can tell it is going to hurt you. Detach and distance yourself before things get worse. This isn't about you at all. He cannot handle the affair and all that it brings. He is being honest by telling you no more sex. He may need a shoulder, but not sex. He has nothing to give to you, no energy or time to fulfill your needs, or worry about your well being. Put yourself in his shoes for a minute. I'm sure the last thing you would want to deal with is a hurt or jealous OM, trying to gain attention or compete with a child who is about to go through a horrible experience and suffer. I get that you're hurting but his first priority has to be on his son and family right now. If you can't handle it, then it's time for you to end it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 16, 2012 Share Posted December 16, 2012 Thank you, Promises. I just feel so sad that a part of our relationship that is so precious to me has ended......temporarily or permanently. Who knows? And what do you do with sexual attraction when there is no sex? Shower massager that has various speeds! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Tenacity Posted December 16, 2012 Share Posted December 16, 2012 Shower massager that has various speeds! That's along the lines of what I was going to say, but a bit more PC Expert on that too, unfortunately... Link to post Share on other sites
promises Posted December 16, 2012 Share Posted December 16, 2012 Thank you, Promises. I just feel so sad that a part of our relationship that is so precious to me has ended......temporarily or permanently. Who knows? And what do you do with sexual attraction when there is no sex? I don't know. When there is a donut in the room and I'm on a diet, I have to walk away from the donut. But, yes. I hear you. Blah.... invest in yourself a bit. Get a pedicure, your hair done.. try to remember to hug others and smile lots. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bailey14 Posted December 16, 2012 Author Share Posted December 16, 2012 WWIU, I completely get what you are saying. I recently lost my 50 year old sister to cancer who I raised since she was 7. She was not my child but, the grief was numbing. I have great empathy for what he going through. My intellect tells me to cut and run but, my heart is lagging behind. I want to be part if his support system.....he was part of mine when my sister was dying. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 16, 2012 Share Posted December 16, 2012 WWIU, I completely get what you are saying. I recently lost my 50 year old sister to cancer who I raised since she was 7. She was not my child but, the grief was numbing. I have great empathy for what he going through. My intellect tells me to cut and run but, my heart is lagging behind. I want to be part if his support system.....he was part of mine when my sister was dying. I know you do sweets, but he may not rely on you the way you want him to. So just remember a few things.. Just because he's your MM, he's still a guy! And most guys tend to handle some painful stuff on their own without relying on anybody. I know my husband is like this and I just give him space. If and when the time comes he wants to talk, I'll listen and just be there for him. When his mom died, he shut me out. Sure it hurt, but that's how he processed the pain..He isolates himself. He still was around, just not speaking of what was upsetting him. Link to post Share on other sites
Tenacity Posted December 16, 2012 Share Posted December 16, 2012 WWIU, I completely get what you are saying. I recently lost my 50 year old sister to cancer who I raised since she was 7. She was not my child but, the grief was numbing. I have great empathy for what he going through. My intellect tells me to cut and run but, my heart is lagging behind. I want to be part if his support system.....he was part of mine when my sister was dying. That is a terribly tough place to be in. I think you need to look out for yourself first, and figure out what you can deal with. And understand the realities of the decision you make. I understand the desire to want to be a support system to someone you love. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bailey14 Posted December 16, 2012 Author Share Posted December 16, 2012 The idea of him not being part of my life is almost unbearable. We have been friends since 6th grade! We are in our 60's now......I might as well cut off an arm!! Link to post Share on other sites
alexandria35 Posted December 16, 2012 Share Posted December 16, 2012 Amazing the games people play with themselves to somehow feel a little less guilt, isn't it? He knows it, he is just fooling himself. The bigger question is, are you going to let him fool you? What's even worse is that this guy thinks he can fool God. Figures he can trick God into giving him what he wants if he pretends to not be having an affair anymore. What a doofus. What if God answers his prayers and helps his son recover? What will he do after that? Give God the finger and jump right back into sexual relations with you? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted December 16, 2012 Share Posted December 16, 2012 Tough situation. Does he feel on any level that his son's cancer is a punishment for his adultery? Or is he just being preventive for the treatment? I have no idea what to tell you to do. You'll hurt either way. I think it's a question of asking yourself what you can live with. I can imagine after knowing him for almost all your life, there'd be some sense of abandoning your friend in need, beyond the romantic love relationship. How much has be been there for you through the years? How much has he compromised? Would he have accepted stopping the physical if you had requested this at some point? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tenacity Posted December 16, 2012 Share Posted December 16, 2012 MM's son has a brain tumor and so he and his wife are going through the most difficult time of their lives (chemo, hair loss, vomiting, running around for doctor/hospital visits, trying to keep up with work and the household at the same time all this is going on) and of course may lose their child and your concern right now is . . . sex? Sorry, but you missed the point. I have been in this situation. Her concern is the meaning of the MM limiting it to just emotional after having a physical relationship, why that is happening now, and what that means, and how she can be there for him during this, if she can. It is not about sex as you are stating. It is about the reason for the difference. Link to post Share on other sites
alexandria35 Posted December 16, 2012 Share Posted December 16, 2012 Sorry, but you missed the point. I have been in this situation. Her concern is the meaning of the MM limiting it to just emotional after having a physical relationship, why that is happening now, and what that means, and how she can be there for him during this, if she can. It is not about sex as you are stating. It is about the reason for the difference. Sorry but based on what the poster has stated herself it does sound like the lack of sex is a concern. Thank you, Promises. I just feel so sad that a part of our relationship that is so precious to me has ended......temporarily or permanently. Who knows? And what do you do with sexual attraction when there is no sex? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted December 16, 2012 Share Posted December 16, 2012 The idea of him not being part of my life is almost unbearable. We have been friends since 6th grade! We are in our 60's now......I might as well cut off an arm!! He cut off that arm for you. He took all your power and just bumped you back down the priority ladder to the bottom. Rightly so - seems he's got things to handle... Why are YOU ALLOWING him to hold so much of YOUR power? I don't care how long you've known him- when any R is this far out of balance the one with the least amount of power gets hurt EVERY time. You should expect more for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
alexandria35 Posted December 16, 2012 Share Posted December 16, 2012 WWIU, I completely get what you are saying. I recently lost my 50 year old sister to cancer who I raised since she was 7. She was not my child but, the grief was numbing. I have great empathy for what he going through. My intellect tells me to cut and run but, my heart is lagging behind. I want to be part if his support system.....he was part of mine when my sister was dying. Bailey I'm very sorry about the loss of your sister and what you went through when she was sick. I know it's very hard. I lost someone I loved with all my heart to lung cancer early in September and I'm still trying to get my balance. That being said, and I ask this gently, are you sure your MM was as supportive during that time as you now say he was? I had a look at the thread you had going at that time and someone had asked you where your MM was well this was going on and this is what you said, Re: MM......I told him 2 weeks ago about my sister's diagnosis......he has completely abandoned me. He disappeared for 9 days so I emailed him and his response was to reprimand me for emailing him.......I would like to say I am angry. What I am is sad beyond words. I had no idea what a cruel human being he is. Then you never once mentioned him again in that thread. You spoke a lot about all the wonderful supportive friends you had around at the time but you didn't talk about him. I dunno. Maybe he came into the picture later on but you just didn't mention it. I just wonder how he could be supportive and be the same man that disappeared on you and got snippy about you sending him an email. Sometimes we're not honest with ourselves about the past because it's too painful. Is it possible that you're not being entirely honest with yourself about how the MM has treated you before. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
MourningLosses Posted December 16, 2012 Share Posted December 16, 2012 (edited) This is way to rich for me. Whatever people say about me I couldn't think of his wife grieving her son, thinking her husband is totally sharing that. If I ever found out he was cheating during that time of all times... and i was his wife I think it would be worse than ordinary betrayal. I couldn't live with that. If my MMs child was terminally ill I'd be the other side of the world so fast... He should be there for his wife in that time. And Lady Grey that's a heartfelt post. It's the only way I can say it right now and I needed to say it. Some things are infidelity. Some are beyond the pale. Edited December 16, 2012 by MourningLosses 1 Link to post Share on other sites
twinsmom Posted December 16, 2012 Share Posted December 16, 2012 This is one of her previous quotes that concerns me: One of the things I find amazing is my MM lives a life with his wife that has not changed one iota since we have been involved.....OMG I just had an epiphany!!! If he can pretend with her after 40 years why do I believe there is ANY authenticity in the way he treats me??? I truly believe that she has no idea that her husband has been involved in an EMR.....he is that good at all the pretense. As a former OW who has taken years to get over her MM, I just want to say, "Why, why, why?????" And like someone else pointed out earlier, she said he was "cruel" when he became aware of her sister's illness..Why, oh why, would she still want to be with him? I know that love defies logic, believe me, I know, but please respect yourself enough to say enough is enough, Bailey! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bailey14 Posted December 16, 2012 Author Share Posted December 16, 2012 This is way to rich for me. Whatever people say about me I couldn't think of his wife grieving her son, thinking her husband is totally sharing that. If I ever found out he was cheating during that time of all times... and i was his wife I think it would be worse than ordinary betrayal. I couldn't live with that. If my MMs child was terminally ill I'd be the other side of the world so fast... He should be there for his wife in that time. And Lady Grey that's a heartfelt post. It's the only way I can say it right now and I needed to say it. Some things are infidelity. Some are beyond the pale. Thank you for your support. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bailey14 Posted December 16, 2012 Author Share Posted December 16, 2012 Sorry but based on what the poster has stated herself it does sound like the lack of sex is a concern. Not a lack of sex.........I went 10 years without sex prior to the start of the current stage of our relationship. I am mourning the end of a facet of our relationship that was very precious to me. Lack of sex sounds primitive to me......I am mourning the end of an affectionate relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
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