Is it ever possible to normalize things?

[anna121]

Hi,

 

First post here, with some trepidation.

 

Basic info - 30s, married 5 years, no kids. Not a perfect relationship, but a very good one.

 

Over a year ago I became friends with a co-worker. He was very friendly and encouraging of my work, very effusive. He's extremely successful at what he does. We had lunch a few times over the summer and he wrangled me an invitation to a conference. Basically, a week out of our lives on the other side of the world. We totally bonded on that trip but did not do anything sexual. (Thank God for small mercies.) It was, nonetheless, a very intense experience.

 

He's married with a child.

 

Since we've been back we continue to interact, mostly at work. Lots of emails. Nothing sexual, but very friendly. I suppose you could say we are "giddy" around each other. Other than a kiss/hug to say hello/goodbye we don't touch.

 

The big thing is that we have never discussed what is going on. We never talk about "us". Perfect plausible deniability. We are, though, clearly attracted to each other. I will not dispute the characterization of our rel-ship as an EA.

 

Am I kidding myself that we could get back to a pure friend/colleague stage? Is it possible for the feelings to modulate, particularly since we've never spoken of them?

 

Thanks. This really sucks.

[MissBee]

Not speaking about it doesn't negate its existence.

 

I think in fact, one of the best ways to move on to being normal is talking about it then deciding to be normal after.

 

You can go back to being purely colleagues a lot easier than "friends". If you're still attracted to him there is really no way to be friends and have things change. But being just his colleague would require no emails and extra friendly contact besides necessary work stuff. Just being cordial and nothing flirtatious and beyond that. That would give a clear message that you've established a boundary and you don't want to continue interacting as you've done before.

[anna121]

Thanks MissBee. You raise an interesting point: acknowledge it and then move on. I'm nervous that talking about it will make it that much more real, create more temptation. But something to think about.

[Tenacity]

Yes, I think at the point where you currently are, you can "normalize" it. In fact you MUST... because you are on your way to more, and when more comes then it is too late. Think of marriages being ruined and losing your job. It's not a stretch... it's a reality. The key is that you have to actively DO something about it, and do it now.

 

Which means you have to acknowledge it. At least to yourself, but ideally, you two should talk and set boundaries.

 

Too many people (myself included) come here and say "I don't know how this happened but it just HAPPENED." It didn't "just happen". You are doing the right thing - the thing many of us do NOT do in time, in questioning if you need to step back now.

 

Here's the thing... just because you are happily married does not mean you cannot be attracted to someone else. It doesn't even mean you cannot fall in love with someone else. I used to think these things just "happened" but they don't, and it takes an active effort in order not to let your guard down and become too emotionally (and physically) attached to someone who is not your spouse.

 

In fact that is one of the last things my ex-MM said to me when he was saying that he should not have had an affair... that the mistake he made was in letting his guard down and letting me "in" when the attraction and connection first became apparent. It was my mistake too.

 

I don't know if you watch the medical series "House" (I'm a physician so it's one of my favorite shows), but yesterday I saw an episode that resonated with me. It was Thirteen (female doctor) and Foreman (male doctor), who were dating, discussing monogamy:

 

Thirteen: “Monogamy is like saying you’re never gonna have any other ice cream flavor besides rocky road.”

 

Foreman: “So you’re saying if you don’t have pink bubblegum for a while, that one day you’re gonna chase down the ice cream truck?”

 

Thirteen: “No. Rocky road is great. It’s a very delicious and complicated flavor. I also know that if I have other flavors, then rocky road is gonna be left in the freezer where anyone can just dip in."

 

I recognize that this has a focus on sex - but it applies to emotional closeness too. (Which frequently leads to sex).

 

So there you have it.... monogamy takes commitment and work and it doesn't just "happen" even in a loving marriage. You have to set boundaries and actively enforce them. You have to recognize that if you give in to this kind of thing, you stand to lose everything.

[anna121]

Thx Tenacity, great post.

 

Yes, I totally agree that my basically happy marriage is no guarantee of anything. This sitch is a perfect example of how you let someone fill certain needs (in my case, admiration) and...boom. It most certainly is not just "happening".

[alexandria35]

Thanks MissBee. You raise an interesting point: acknowledge it and then move on. I'm nervous that talking about it will make it that much more real, create more temptation. But something to think about.

 

MissBee gives excellent advice but I think you are also right to be nervous about approaching the subject with him. Often times that conversation is the very thing that opens the door to a full blown emotional or physical affair. Telling someone that you are attracted to them and hearing them say the same back to you has an emotional effect on people so I think that kind of talk can be very dangerous.

 

I'd say just pull back a lot on the overly friendly interactions at work. If he senses something different he will likely just back off too, but if he actually asks you about it, then just say you like to keep your work relationships professional and you felt that there was some inappropriateness in the relationship with him considering that you are both married. Short and too the point. No talking about how you're so attracted him, how good he makes you feel, how fun or sweet he is, how you're tempted, etc. NONE OF THAT. Be frank and impersonal (not mean or rude) and I'm sure he will understand.

[Tenacity]

No talking about how you're so attracted him, how good he makes you feel, how fun or sweet he is, how you're tempted, etc. NONE OF THAT.

 

By the way, that's not at all what I meant when I suggested discussing it with him. But if they are having an emotional affair and emailing all the time and are "giddy" about each other, I think it would be at least courteous to say to the other person that you no longer think it's appropriate, it's nothing personal but you need to keep things work-related only, etc. rather than just doing an about-face with no explanation. Plus, he is likely to say something with that drastic of a change.

[anna121]

Ok, now I'm leaning back to saying nothing and letting my feelings wind down on their own.

 

Avoiding all interaction will be tough, at least for a while, b/c we have some ongoing projects and committees. But I can definitely dial back on the friendliness, most easily by not responding to his emails as frequently. Plus, with the holidays coming up, and another of his trips, there'll be a good 6 weeks when we likely won't have any contact at all.

 

Thanks everyone.

[kamani]

Well , I feel for you, I had similar experience.

Read my post

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/platonic/friendship/347033-should-i-continue-him-friend

 

You can get many useful points there.

 

It appears your situation is worse than mine, because we didn’t have to travel together or to interact by emails at work place. So the grounds for getting the things ‘physical’ are already set for you.

 

I am sorry to say this, you have already started cheating. Won’t you be embarrassed if your spouse gets to know you email him and, if he happens to see your emails?

I don’t agree, that you should admit your feelings to the co-worker. If you admit to your feelings it should be your spouse and not the other man! Admitting to your feeling would make things worse only and any of the following may happen-

 

1. In return, he would admit to his feelings for you – this would lift the only emotional barrier between the two of you. You two will get more closer, open up more and then open up for anything!

2. He will reject it- He would say, he was just a friend. There is a fair chance for telling him this as he is married and with child, even if he has feelings. Then you’ll feel like trash.

3. He would say nothing- Just stare into your eyes, with his eyes saying ‘I love you, please kiss me’

None of these are good for you.

 

However, two of you nurtured this, so he has to know you are going to limit contact. Just tell him some excuse, your husband didn’t like you getting close to somebody else, or something. Never admit to your feelings for him.

 

Friendship is beyond repair now, act immediately before your marriage is ‘beyond repair’.

Setting boundaries is better than not having boundaries at all. However it is not going to be a long term solution. It will increase ‘longing’ and once you get closer again you’ll feel that the feelings are stronger.

 

You can have one clear cut answer, change workplace or ask for a transfer somewhere else. One of you have to leave that place, for a lasting solution.

I’m there for you, keep on posting instead of getting closer to him.

[anna121]

Thx Kamani. We do not have to travel together (I chose to because of the professional opportunity), but occasionally are on committees and we do have a couple of projects.

 

I certainly wouldn't consider switching jobs at this point. I'm not in a field where I can decline to work with men (at least sometimes) so the issues would arise anywhere. It's less about him, and more about me.

[anna121]

Time for an update, and possibly for some lumps.

 

Since my last post, things have been changing but slowly. The friendly communication hasn't stopped. But we don't see each other very often.

 

I went to a holiday party at a colleague's house, with my husband, and he was there with his wife. It wasn't awkward, at least not on my end.

 

I would say I am no longer "giddy", though I still like him an awful lot. As a colleague, he does some incredibly nice things eg., when he gets invites (some really awesome conference, say) if he declines he'll suggest they invite me instead.

 

I am pretty sure that he doesn't have designs on me.

 

So, not a clean break. But not as consuming as before.

[RickFox]

This whole thing still has the potential to turn physical, regardless of the lack of giddyness ..........for now.

[kamani]

The more you spend time in this workplace the more will be the longing. Setting up boundaries is only a temporary solution. If you admit feelings to one another the bond will become stronger. This increases the potential to a PA and even EA is bad enough.

 

Do you text each other, with the excuse of 'work related matters'? Do you email each other, at leat as friends? These are very dangerous.

 

You have 2 options.

 

1. Change the workplace.

2. Tell your husband

[anna121]

Since I have been posting here more, and getting a sense of the place, I feel comfortable going back to my original thread. I guess I feel the need to own up.

 

I haven't succeeded in disengaging from my EA. We still haven't talked about it. But, as I said in my first post, I don't dispute the characterization.

 

The bottom line is that I like the positive things that come from interacting with him over the negative things.

 

I know by putting this out there I'm inviting all sorts of feedback but suggestions that I switch workplaces are a complete non-starter. Nor would either of us would get fired for something like this.

[ComingInHot]

anna;

As far as support, an A is something I cannot condone.

 

As far as advice w/the decision you made, enjoy the best, prepare for the worst, when it comes.

And, it Will come so ya, make sure these little moments are worth it & and will get you through the worst*

 

Kindly,

CIH

[Journee]

Since you are familiar with the posts here you have no doubt seen the outcome in many situations. It is very painful for everyone involved. If there comes a DDay you stand to lose your H completely. You better make sure this is a risk you are willing to take.

 

My advice is to either address your marriage in a manner to strengthen it. If you are not interested in that I hope you don't hurt your husband in the worst way. Save yourself and everyone else from the pain you see here. You are both married. If you want to date one another then separate or divorce.

 

Nothing positive comes from interacting with a crush while you are, married. Nothing. I don't think you will find it will be worth what you are putting at risk. Your own emotional health will be put to task.

 

If you cherish your family you should stop this immediately. If you are willing to possibly throw that away , do it with caution. You are playing with fire and likely will learn a very hard lesson.

 

Good luck

[anna121]

Thanks for the replies. They do help.

[RickFox]

The answer to your question:

 

 

 

 

 

 

NO

[anna121]

So, I started this thread just under a year ago to process some feelings I had developed for a co-worker.

 

Alot has happened this year. None of them, thankfully, have involved crossing that "red line". Still have never talked about what, if anything, we might be feeling. Never kissed, or done anything more affectionate than hugs.

 

It has been hard sometimes, because I do have feelings for this person. But, for the most part, I have been able to re-direct it to better things. Including my rel-ship with my H which, while already good and stable, has become closer.

 

So, why am I writing this. Because he had asked me for some "quality time", took me for a lovely lunch, gossiped with me for two hours.

 

And then told me he was recently diagnosed with a form of lymphoma.

 

It's one of the "slow" ones, he is asympotamtic, they're not even starting treatment.

 

I was fairly calm when he told me, other than tearing up a bit.

 

But, H was out of town on business, so last night was rough. Talked to a bunch of friends who've dealt with cancer in one form or another. Had more phone conversations than I have in six months, in fact.

 

I'm still processing, and this is where I sometimes do that. Hence this post.

 

Obviously this changes nothing, in that I will continue to be his friend, and never reveal anything more.

 

And yet, it changes everything.

 

Right?

 

It just hurts.

[psm04]

Wow, I'm sorry. That is terrible. And you are in a tough spot.

 

All you can do is be there for him in the capacity that you can. And like you said, don't reveal anything about your feelings.

[Red Wolverine]

It should change nothing. His wife and family should be his emotional support. You don't owe him anything nor should you fulfill his emotional needs.

 

I'm a little suspicious of his slow progressing cancer story.

[anna121]

You're suspicious that he's making it up? Or that I am.

 

Not that it matters, but it was discovered in the course of getting scans for something else.

 

I looked it up. Median survival is 6.6 years. But, it usually is discovered in older people.

[Red Wolverine]

You're suspicious that he's making it up? Or that I am.

 

Not that it matters, but it was discovered in the course of getting scans for something else.

 

I looked it up. Median survival is 6.6 years. But, it usually is discovered in older people.

 

I'm suspicious that he is making it up. Cancer needs to be treated. I think he's looking for a sympathy roll in the hay to kick off the physical part of an affair. . Emotional sex is the most intense.

[anna121]

Ok.

 

I can believe that it happens.

 

Thanks.

[anna121]

Long time since I updated.

 

Basically, nothing happened with my colleague. My feelings normalized and we are simply close friends.

 

He indolent lymphoma has turned into an aggressive strain. Happens in about 10% of cases. It is very bad. He starts a new course of chemo tomorrow and I gather they may investigate a bone marrow transplant. Prognosis is poor.. The figure I am hearing is 5-8 months. I got this info from someone else btw (there was suspicion voiced on my thread that he was making it up.)

 

He has lots of support around him and will get more I'm sure as more people find out.