why do married people continue affairs when they choose to stay married?

[myname]

Ok, I don't think cheating's a good thing to do, but I can understand how people might make a one time mistake or they might get involved and then realise they have to sort things out one way or another.

 

But what I can't understand is the married people who are obviously choosing to stay married but also remain totally involved with the other people, either being cross with them for not wanting to continue an affair or keeping contacting and chasing them.

 

What is it? If I was married and committed to my marriage there would be no affair. If I had an affair through my own selfish stupidness but then on d'day realised I wanted to stay married I would be grateful if the other person just stayed out of my life and I would totally recommit to my marriage. What's going on when someone makes out to their spouse they're recommitting but continues to beg their affair partner to remain in contact?

[myname]

Cowardice.....

 

Surely if it was just cowardice then they would just not have any contact with the affair partner though? That would be the 'safe' option if they want to keep their marriage intact. Where's the point in trying to continue something they've made sure can't go anywhere? That's something other than just cowardice.

[woinlove]

Some people like to have both a spouse and a secret affair partner. Why? For a lot of different reasons such as excitement, variety, entitlement, selfishness, distraction, habit, addiction,.... A few have posted on LS trying to explain why they like to have both. I think for a WS to fully give up having affairs they need to change. Many don't and some change very slowly.

Edited October 24, 2012 by woinlove

[Pierre]

Ok, I don't think cheating's a good thing to do, but I can understand how people might make a one time mistake or they might get involved and then realise they have to sort things out one way or another.

 

But what I can't understand is the married people who are obviously choosing to stay married but also remain totally involved with the other people, either being cross with them for not wanting to continue an affair or keeping contacting and chasing them.

 

What is it?

 

What is it?

 

Dishonesty

Addictive personality

Narcissistic traits (lack of empathy)

Selfishness

Lack of character

 

 

BTW, lots of people that do not have the above traits also have affairs, however ultimately the end up doing the right thing.

[myname]

Some people like to have both a spouse and a secret affair partner. Why? For a lot of different reasons such as excitement, variety, entitlement, selfishness, distraction, habit, addiction,.... A few have posted on LS trying to explain why they like to have both.

 

Apart from Sauron, who's wife doesn't know and who's other woman appears happy from what I've read of his threads, I've not seen anyone explaining why they continue to chase an affair partner who has said they don't want it anymore when the betrayed spouse knows and they are meant to be in the process of reconciliation.

 

I've seen lots of other person threads where the married person is still contacting after they're meant not to, and lots of betrayed spouses who have found out their reconciling spouse is still continuing the affair, but no explanation from the cheating party.

 

I get that they're just after all they can get, cake eater and all that, I just don't get it. What is it that makes the stress and pain of it all worthwhile to continue to do it, especially once the betrayed spouse is aware and the affair partner is fed up???

[myname]

What is it?

 

Dishonesty

Addictive personality

Narcissistic traits (lack of empathy)

Selfishness

Lack of character

 

 

BTW, lots of people that do not have the above traits also have affairs, however ultimately the end up doing the right thing.

 

Ok, so is it likely that people who try to continue affairs even after their spouse is hurting and trying to forgive and fix things and their affair partner is trying to move on and away from it all are either damaged or potentially damaging people? Like they are emotionally abusive?

 

I can believe this, it would be the only thing that would make sense and maybe it would help some of the hurt spouses and hurt affair partners to see that these people would never properly love them and they are better off to be alone.

[myname]

Okay...unintelligent cowardice.

 

ok, that makes some sense.

[Pierre]

 

 

I get that they're just after all they can get, cake eater and all that, I just don't get it. What is it that makes the stress and pain of it all worthwhile to continue to do it, especially once the betrayed spouse is aware and the affair partner is fed up???

 

That is like asking a criminal why do you continue to commit crimes after been in jail several times. These folks are simply dishonest, that is part of their personality.

[woinlove]

Apart from Sauron, who's wife doesn't know and who's other woman appears happy from what I've read of his threads, I've not seen anyone explaining why they continue to chase an affair partner who has said they don't want it anymore when the betrayed spouse knows and they are meant to be in the process of reconciliation.

 

I've seen lots of other person threads where the married person is still contacting after they're meant not to, and lots of betrayed spouses who have found out their reconciling spouse is still continuing the affair, but no explanation from the cheating party.

 

I get that they're just after all they can get, cake eater and all that, I just don't get it. What is it that makes the stress and pain of it all worthwhile to continue to do it, especially once the betrayed spouse is aware and the affair partner is fed up???

 

A number of WS have posted in the aftermath of d-day where they were still having (or resumed) contact with the AP, despite wanting to stay married. Seemed like an addiction from the way they described it.

[myname]

That is like asking a criminal why do you continue to commit crimes after been in jail several times. These folks are simply dishonest, that is part of their personality.

 

Ok, they think they'll get away with it, that's it. And quite often it would appear that they do get away with it. Still I don't understand why they'd want to but maybe I can take some hope in that I'm not as much of a nutter as they are....

[myname]

A number of WS have posted in the aftermath of d-day where they were still having (or resumed) contact with the AP, despite wanting to stay married. Seemed like an addiction from the way they described it.

 

This one I do struggle with, cos I think I understand addiction but I find it hard to understand if someone wants to stay married why they would remain in contact with an AP once their spouse knows. Surely at that point their marriage is all. If not why would they want to stay married?

[Pierre]

Ok, they think they'll get away with it, that's it.

 

Nice way to say it. Yes, that is the reason!

 

Most cheaters believe they won't get caught-------even after d-day.

 

They simply become more deceptive and learn how to lie more effectively.

[heartinlove]

I think alot of these answers portray all mm only in the worst light possible.

 

Human nature has more complexity than that.

 

Sometimes they are in love with AP and want to be with them and are convincing themselves they will be leaving their marriage soon. On the other side they have a marriage with a long history and have kids and they have a lot of guilt and conflicted emotions about destroying that nuclear family.

 

So, the next question will probably be why dont they stay away from AP until they figure out marriage. Its simple. The answer is Pain.

 

Its painful to leave the AP and lose that relationship as alot of times many of the MM's needs are met in that relationship. I think many MM think they can stay with AP while they decide on marriage and if the spouse knows AP is still in the picture then it will be pure hell, and the MM is not ready to leave AP so they keep both. Not saying its right. Its a recipe for everybody being in pain. Just saying thats the human nature part.

[Pierre]

This one I do struggle with, cos I think I understand addiction but I find it hard to understand if someone wants to stay married why they would remain in contact with an AP once their spouse knows. Surely at that point their marriage is all. If not why would they want to stay married?

 

 

You will never be able to understand cheaters. In fact, cheaters don't understand themselves very well.

 

Some love the AP and spouse simultaneously. Others, cannot love anyone and simply seek validation. The message to take home is that some cheaters will cheat again.

 

Some only cheat once in a lifetime and those are the good folks. Like I said anyone of us can make a mistake.

[myname]

Nice way to say it. Yes, that is the reason!

 

Most cheaters believe they won't get caught-------even after d-day.

 

They simply become more deceptive and learn how to lie more effectively.

 

That is the reason I can see, yet it's crazy, they've already proved they'll get caught, it's only a matter of time, we're back to BNB's point, they're just plain stupid.

[myname]

I think alot of these answers portray all mm only in the worst light possible.

 

Human nature has more complexity than that.

 

Sometimes they are in love with AP and want to be with them and are convincing themselves they will be leaving their marriage soon. On the other side they have a marriage with a long history and have kids and they have a lot of guilt and conflicted emotions about destroying that nuclear family.

 

So, the next question will probably be why dont they stay away from AP until they figure out marriage. Its simple. The answer is Pain.

 

Its painful to leave the AP and lose that relationship as alot of times many of the MM's needs are met in that relationship. I think many MM think they can stay with AP while they decide on marriage and if the spouse knows AP is still in the picture then it will be pure hell, and the MM is not ready to leave AP so they keep both. Not saying its right. Its a recipe for everybody being in pain. Just saying thats the human nature part.

 

That's an interesting and thoughtful perspective, and does explain a lot. Difficult emotions, difficult situations, and no easy way out.

[myname]

You will never be able to understand cheaters. In fact, cheaters don't understand themselves very well.

 

Some love the AP and spouse simultaneously. Others, cannot love anyone and simply seek validation. The message to take home is that some cheaters will cheat again.

 

Some only cheat once in a lifetime and those are the good folks. Like I said anyone of us can make a mistake.

 

How does one love two people simultaneously, that to me in itself doesn't make sense. I've not ever loved two people romantically at the same time, it's never seemed possible, it's one or the other, and I might care about someone and their feelings but that would make me less likely to string them along if I wasn't wanting to commit properly to them.

[Pierre]

How does one love two people simultaneously, that to me in itself doesn't make sense. I've not ever loved two people romantically at the same time, it's never seemed possible, it's one or the other, and I might care about someone and their feelings but that would make me less likely to string them along if I wasn't wanting to commit properly to them.

 

Love has three stages. Cheaters can love two different people as long as the stage is not the same. This is common knowledge and you can google it.

 

My ex-wife was deeply in love with her overseas Internet lover 3000 miles away and she was also in love with me (the guy that slept next to her every night).

 

Like i said above, cheaters are a rare breed and very difficult to understand.

[myname]

Love has three stages. Cheaters can love two different people as long as the stage is not the same. This is common knowledge and you can google it.

 

My ex-wife was deeply in love with her overseas Internet lover 3000 miles away and she was also in love with me (the guy that slept next to her every night).

 

Like i said above, cheaters are a rare breed and very difficult to understand.

 

Maybe... from my experience though I have never been in love at whatever stage with more than one person at a time, your wife may have been into the attention from him yet still in love with you, or she may have been in love with him and used to the life with you, but not in love with both, to me that's different. Are you still with her?

[beenburned]

Cake eaters are selfish people who manipulate and use other people in order to achieve their goal.

 

They don't care who gets hurt in the process as long as they get their way.

 

The reason they won't be honest and tell their wife they don't want to be a monogamous person is they know she will divorce them.(taking half of the assets and money)

 

So they continue to lie and deceive until all hell breaks loose, then they move on to another innocent person who knows nothing about their history.

Edited October 24, 2012 by beenburned

[alexandria35]

Ok, so is it likely that people who try to continue affairs even after their spouse is hurting and trying to forgive and fix things and their affair partner is trying to move on and away from it all are either damaged or potentially damaging people? Like they are emotionally abusive?

 

I can believe this, it would be the only thing that would make sense and maybe it would help some of the hurt spouses and hurt affair partners to see that these people would never properly love them and they are better off to be alone.

 

 

I think you hit the nail on the head.

[MissBee]

Ok, I don't think cheating's a good thing to do, but I can understand how people might make a one time mistake or they might get involved and then realise they have to sort things out one way or another.

 

But what I can't understand is the married people who are obviously choosing to stay married but also remain totally involved with the other people, either being cross with them for not wanting to continue an affair or keeping contacting and chasing them.

 

What is it? If I was married and committed to my marriage there would be no affair. If I had an affair through my own selfish stupidness but then on d'day realised I wanted to stay married I would be grateful if the other person just stayed out of my life and I would totally recommit to my marriage. What's going on when someone makes out to their spouse they're recommitting but continues to beg their affair partner to remain in contact?

 

They want it at all basically and will do it so long as they believe they're getting away with it.

[Pierre]

Maybe... from my experience though I have never been in love at whatever stage with more than one person at a time, your wife may have been into the attention from him yet still in love with you, or she may have been in love with him and used to the life with you, but not in love with both, to me that's different. Are you still with her?

 

Don't get me wrong i am exactly like you. There is no way in hell I can love two women at once.

 

However, my ex-wife had the capacity to fall in love with whomever validate her need for adoration and admiration. The fact the the guy was overseas was moot.

 

I have known straight women that are even able to love another woman as long as her needs are met. You and I could never understand this, but for some people this is possible. They fall in love with whoever meet their needs. Looks, status, etc are not important as long as their needs are met.

 

Sometimes, the AP meets, 2-3 needs and the wife at home meets 2-3 other different needs. In other words, two people combine to meet the needs of the cheater. I could never do it and I do not understand it, but it happens all the time. Both men and women do this.

 

I left my wife. She threw her AP under the bus, but I simply could not admire her anymore as this was her second similar EA.

[Artie Lang]

i totally agree with woinlove's first post.

 

it might also be that these people are trying to recapture some of their "youth" through an affair... something that was lost in the monotony of matrimony.

 

an affair might make them feel young and vibrant again.

 

at least, that's what i think.

[firstandlast]

Ok, I don't think cheating's a good thing to do, but I can understand how people might make a one time mistake or they might get involved and then realise they have to sort things out one way or another.

 

But what I can't understand is the married people who are obviously choosing to stay married but also remain totally involved with the other people, either being cross with them for not wanting to continue an affair or keeping contacting and chasing them.

 

What is it? If I was married and committed to my marriage there would be no affair. If I had an affair through my own selfish stupidness but then on d'day realised I wanted to stay married I would be grateful if the other person just stayed out of my life and I would totally recommit to my marriage. What's going on when someone makes out to their spouse they're recommitting but continues to beg their affair partner to remain in contact?

 

I have wondered the exact same thing. I don't get it either, especially when no kids are involved and it's clear that the marriage isn't working (i.e. serial affairs).