How do I handle social events with xMM?

[sleepie]

Short backstory: Couple of years EA, NC about 4 months with xMOM still breaking it every few weeks.

 

Over the next few months there will be quite a few social events where all of us (xMOM, myself, and our in-the-dark BSes) will be present. Generally, we all laugh and chat and socialize a lot during those times. So how do I handle it now?

 

Ignore him completely? (would be obvious to people if I did that)

 

Polite and courteous but basically ignore him? (would be difficult, but not impossible)

 

Act friendly as usual? (which might send him the wrong message, especially since he's still trying to break NC)

 

Personally, I'd love to run, hide, and avoid the situation entirely, but that's not really an option.

[Owl]

Have you considered bringing your H outta the dark? Then you might have an ally in this situation, and some input from him on how to manage these events.

[sleepie]

Have you considered bringing your H outta the dark? Then you might have an ally in this situation, and some input from him on how to manage these events.

 

I consider it all the time. But like I've mentioned before, H doesn't want to know since it was just an EA. He's made that clear. On numerous occasions.

 

However, your post does give me something to chew on. How would my H want me to handle this? He doesn't know about the EA, but that doesn't mean I can't accurately guess what he would want me to do in this situation. And, obviously, his feelings are the most important here.

[sleepie]

Or maybe you guys will have some insight into what my H might want?

 

The only situation even close to similar happened quite a few years ago, when a very close male friend was flirting with me inappropriately and saying things like "I don't know what you see in your H." He was definitely pursuing me. I told my H about it, and asked him if he wanted to talk to the friend. H said, "No, you handle it yourself, and then if it doesn't stop, we'll go from there."

 

I handled it. It stopped. And we're all still super good friends who hang out regularly.

 

From this, I think my H would want me to make it clear in my actions toward xMOM that it's over, but not necessarily rock our social boat. That's always been his general viewpoint about things, I think.

[Owl]

Good point on taking your H's viewpoint into account. I would struggle with providing you input on what I think he'd want, simply because I think my personal values and priorities are significantly different than his.

 

Upsetting the social view would be the least of my concerns. Sending that message to MoM and taking actions to ensure that the A was over would be much, much more critical in my list.

 

I'd probably insist that you/we not go...or insist that I go and be able to ensure that he gets the message and that the A isn't continuing "behind my back".

 

Since he doesn't know (and doesn't want to know)...I can't speak for how he'd view this. It sounds to me like his priorities are more around the perception of things going well rather than things actually being well. Sounds like he'd rather have peace over quality...and that's enough of a difference to prevent me from having good insight I think.

[sleepie]

I suspect you have been wishy washy in telling OM to stay away from you.

 

The reasons are many, but include:

 

You actually like to know OM is still interested.

You don't want to hurt OM.

 

Not wishy washy, but perhaps not as firm as I should have been at the end, though at this point I don't want top break NC just to be firm. Honestly, I thought actually maintaining NC this time (as opposed to other times when I broke it) would be enough to get the It's Over message across.

 

Going to a social event with your H while OM is looking at you with lust is a humiliating experience for your H even if your H does not know you are humiliating him.

 

H is fairly used to other men looking at me with lust, so I don't know if that's disrespectful to him. He doesn't have a problem with it and generally goes with the "Yeah, buddy, my wife is hot" attitude toward it. If I were looking at OM with lust, that would be another story. And believe me, I won't be.

[sleepie]

I am surprised you don't get the humiliation part.

 

There is a triangle here. You and OM are in the know while H is in the dark.

 

If H discovers that he was socializing with your OM in this party without knowing OM and you had a thing going he will feel like $hit.

 

Ok, I didn't understand what you were saying initially. Yes, I see that.