The other women Posted October 1, 2012 Share Posted October 1, 2012 I'vebeen seeing a guy seven months now. I met him through my friend and was instantly attracted but had no intention of pursuing it because I knew was taken. Untill my freiend text e his number saying he would like mine. I convinced myself it was just a bit of fun but we started spending more and more time together untill we started seeing eachother every day. He hardly sees his girlfriend but theyh are together and talk all the time. Me and him spend. Basicly every night together. He tells me he loves me more than anything and that im the love of his life and he'll leave her in his own timebut hes been saying this for months and still tells ber he loves her. Before her he was married and she ran of with another bloke so I understand his concerns about leaving her to be with me incase I leave, but my ex fiance left for his ex so I know the pain it causes and wouldnt do it someone else. I also hate what im doing to his girlfriend but I fell in love with him. I dont know where I stand or what to do and I cant talk to him because when I do he gets deffensive and closes himself off. How long before its too long and I have to leave? I think about it all the time about us and what it will do to his girlfriend i never meant to fall for him and I dont know his gf but I didnt mean to and dont want to hurt her but hes part of my life now Link to post Share on other sites
Ugh1 Posted October 1, 2012 Share Posted October 1, 2012 You are NOT a part of his life. He is with someone else. Shame on YOU! Stop contacting him. Cut it off now and if he wants a relationship with you, then he will break it off with her to be with you. Seeing him when he has a girlfriend is wrong on so many levels and even if he leaves her to be with you, he will more likely than not, cheat on you as well. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted October 1, 2012 Share Posted October 1, 2012 My first inclination is to tell him it's over between you. (Any guy who could tell two women he loves them at the same time and be cheating on one behind her back is not worth having as a boyfriend). If you're not willing to tell him that, then tell him you can't continue like this, and it's too heartbreaking for you to have to share him with someone else. Tell him he's going to have to decide which woman he wants in his life, and you are going to give him the time he needs to decide that, but you won't be seeing him in the meantime. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 1, 2012 Share Posted October 1, 2012 MM tellsYOU everything you need to hear - so they can continue getting what they want. Why is that enough for you? Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted October 1, 2012 Share Posted October 1, 2012 I'vebeen seeing a guy seven months now. I met him through my friend and was instantly attracted but had no intention of pursuing it because I knew was taken. Untill my freiend text e his number saying he would like mine. I convinced myself it was just a bit of fun but we started spending more and more time together untill we started seeing eachother every day. He hardly sees his girlfriend but theyh are together and talk all the time. Me and him spend. Basicly every night together. He tells me he loves me more than anything and that im the love of his life and he'll leave her in his own timebut hes been saying this for months and still tells ber he loves her. Before her he was married and she ran of with another bloke so I understand his concerns about leaving her to be with me incase I leave, but my ex fiance left for his ex so I know the pain it causes and wouldnt do it someone else. I also hate what im doing to his girlfriend but I fell in love with him. I dont know where I stand or what to do and I cant talk to him because when I do he gets deffensive and closes himself off. How long before its too long and I have to leave? I think about it all the time about us and what it will do to his girlfriend i never meant to fall for him and I dont know his gf but I didnt mean to and dont want to hurt her but hes part of my life now Do you want to know the worst part? You don't know where you stand, and he won't clarify that for you. It's too hard for him to discuss that, so he puts you through hell wondering and waiting. Does that sound like the way a man treats the love of his life and the woman he loves more than anyone? To know where you stand, you need to stop being powerless waiting for him. You need to request he talks to you until you know where you stand. If he refuses, walk away. Given that it's a girlfriend situation with no kids, I'd give it a month if he starts discussing things with you, and makes it clear it's you he wants. Otherwise, as unnatural as it may seem to you at the point you are right now, get mentally prepared to drop him for good. If he gets any vibe of you being willing to stay in the A, he'll bs you to no end. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 1, 2012 Share Posted October 1, 2012 Considering your OM is not married to his gf and you are the love of his life - what is preventing him from breaking up with her and being with you? Haven't you told him you love him too and will be there for him when he leaves her? The only one who is stopping the two of you from being together is him! Sorry but his excuses are not valid and you need to stand up and tell him so. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted October 1, 2012 Share Posted October 1, 2012 Why would you want a man that is proving himself to be unfaithful? Why do you want someone who is disrespecting his current gf behind her back? You'd be in the same boat as her sooner or later if you hook up with him. It amazes me that these cheating bad boys get women to slobber all over them, then we have to hear how much of a dog they turned out to be later on. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted October 1, 2012 Share Posted October 1, 2012 This is where my 'tattoo rule' comes in to play. If you want a tattoo it's permanent, it can't be undone. If you're over 21 and still wanting one 12 months later... Ruddy-well go for it!! Anything massive should be allowed 12 months in my view. Not that I felt that way when I was OW! That's my own personal take, it also needs to be considered how you are treating one another and the longer term expectations. For many, leaving the spouse is the tip of the iceberg. You both need to be 100% certain this is what you want. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted October 1, 2012 Share Posted October 1, 2012 I'vebeen seeing a guy seven months now. I met him through my friend and was instantly attracted but had no intention of pursuing it because I knew was taken. Untill my freiend text e his number saying he would like mine. I convinced myself it was just a bit of fun but we started spending more and more time together untill we started seeing eachother every day. He hardly sees his girlfriend but theyh are together and talk all the time. Me and him spend. Basicly every night together. He tells me he loves me more than anything and that im the love of his life and he'll leave her in his own timebut hes been saying this for months and still tells ber he loves her. Before her he was married and she ran of with another bloke so I understand his concerns about leaving her to be with me incase I leave, but my ex fiance left for his ex so I know the pain it causes and wouldnt do it someone else. I also hate what im doing to his girlfriend but I fell in love with him. I dont know where I stand or what to do and I cant talk to him because when I do he gets deffensive and closes himself off. How long before its too long and I have to leave? I think about it all the time about us and what it will do to his girlfriend i never meant to fall for him and I dont know his gf but I didnt mean to and dont want to hurt her but hes part of my life now You stay until you get tired of staying. He seems not to be in any rush to leave and employs defensive tactics when you try to talk, which has taught you that you shut up and deal and be with him or not. You have continued to be with him on HIS terms...that is, you guys only discuss what HE wants to. He says he loves her and will leave in "his own time"....to me, you have enough info to make your own choice about where things are headed. They aren't married and don't even have kids. Do they even live together? How long is too long? It's up to you. But from the looks of it, for me, what's happening doesn't seem promising so I'd walk away from now and if he wants to follow, then he can... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted October 2, 2012 Share Posted October 2, 2012 I don't understand because you are NOT even the OW yet, as your BF is single....so nothing wrong if you are seeing him, and nothing wrong if he is seeing another girl. BUT, it is your choice now to ask him being exclusive with you. That is it. Link to post Share on other sites
skylarblue Posted October 2, 2012 Share Posted October 2, 2012 he'll leave her in his own time Case closed for him. I totally agree with MissBee's post and reiterate the above says it all. There's no need to talk because he's told you where you stand and what he plans to do. So now you just have to keep playing ball and wait until he decides (if he ever does) or end it yourself when you get tired of playing. There's no other option or way to get around it. I think he's given you a great advantage by letting it be known his actions/decisions will be based completely on himself and what he wants. Hopefully, you'll do wisely with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Minka333 Posted October 2, 2012 Share Posted October 2, 2012 It's highly possible that you read all the great messages above but still hesitate to let go especially if deep feelings are involved. When it comes to love most gets clueless. You knew right from the start that the situation is wrong. You know what to do and whatnot. You know he is disrespecting you. You know he is taking advantage of 2 women. Only love can make sense out of nonsense...if your situation happened to your friend, you would readily know what advice to give.* It is your decision if you choose to wait or not. It doesn't matter if it's 3 days, months or years. It's all up to you. You can wait until you learn all your lessons.* Do not wait for his decision. Wait on your own. Wait until you can see clearly again. Wait until you're ready to move on... Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted October 2, 2012 Share Posted October 2, 2012 You stay until you get tired of staying. He seems not to be in any rush to leave and employs defensive tactics when you try to talk, which has taught you that you shut up and deal and be with him or not. You have continued to be with him on HIS terms...that is, you guys only discuss what HE wants to. He says he loves her and will leave in "his own time"....to me, you have enough info to make your own choice about where things are headed. They aren't married and don't even have kids. Do they even live together? How long is too long? It's up to you. But from the looks of it, for me, what's happening doesn't seem promising so I'd walk away from now and if he wants to follow, then he can... I agree with this. I knew MM wasn't going to leave home right from the start. I chose to have an R with him regardless. There came a point that R was less than what I wanted so I told him where I was and what I now needed. He made the decision to not be with me the way I needed so I chose to not be with him. I think you leave when you say to him ok, I'm ready for this to be more now and he says he won't or can't. Of course when you love someone it's not that easy. But as Miss Bee said you will choose the moment yourself. Just get some of your power back. Don't be running when he whistles. You do the whistling and you live your life. Make him fit into your life and see how committed he is to what you have then. Link to post Share on other sites
Ugh1 Posted October 2, 2012 Share Posted October 2, 2012 I don't understand because you are NOT even the OW yet, as your BF is single....so nothing wrong if you are seeing him, and nothing wrong if he is seeing another girl. BUT, it is your choice now to ask him being exclusive with you. That is it. If he tells his GF that he is in a committed relationship with her and sees another person, then it is a big deal. They aren't married, but whose to say they aren't talking about that. Cheating is cheating, whether you are married or not. He is obviously cheating on his GF to be with this other woman. They aren't all in agreement to see other people, only the guy. Good grief! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author The other women Posted October 3, 2012 Author Share Posted October 3, 2012 Thanks especialy to those whose comments i've liked hearing the truth is hard buti see the point that its on his terms a im allowing it. Its as if ur saying let hi. Get away with seei ng u both and he'll continue too do so.......... ibthink as im not ready to move on its tome to set ground rules and if not then I leave........... No he doesnt live with her he has his own flat which I stay at most nights. We also split the food shopping bill 40/60 40% beong me! I've never been so confused In my life....... I appreciate all the comments! And i've taken onboard alot of it and guna put it all in persective...... i dont belive he'd do it to me his ex wife did it to him im sure sure why hes doing this now though! Yes that probably makes me a fool infact I know it does just reading it back........... im away with my girls next week away from him i'll see how how that goes..... thamk you Link to post Share on other sites
Author The other women Posted October 25, 2012 Author Share Posted October 25, 2012 She left him today :s nothing to do with me she still doesnt know I tried to support him and decided not to spend the night as im probably the worst person to be around and he agreed but I know he wants me there im not pushing the me and him situation im here soley to support him and if be chooses to try win her back i'll be there as a friend and support. She means alot to him and if being with her makes him happy that makes happy and i'll help him to win her back Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 25, 2012 Share Posted October 25, 2012 She left him today :s nothing to do with me she still doesnt know I tried to support him and decided not to spend the night as im probably the worst person to be around and he agreed but I know he wants me there im not pushing the me and him situation im here soley to support him and if be chooses to try win her back i'll be there as a friend and support. She means alot to him and if being with her makes him happy that makes happy and i'll help him to win her back Please explain why you are the worst person to be around...? Why did she leave? And what has HE been doing since she left him? Is he trying to get her to come back? Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted October 26, 2012 Share Posted October 26, 2012 look at it this way...he says he loves you, but also that her loves her( he may have broken up with him, but how long do you think he would have held on for if she hadn't done so)... so you know something about him. he's fine with being with two women, ad telling each of them that he loves hem, at the same time...is that okay with you/ are you okay being with someone who loves someone else besides you? Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted October 26, 2012 Share Posted October 26, 2012 I'vebeen seeing a guy seven months now. I met him through my friend and was instantly attracted but had no intention of pursuing it because I knew was taken. Untill my freiend text e his number saying he would like mine. I convinced myself it was just a bit of fun but we started spending more and more time together untill we started seeing eachother every day. He hardly sees his girlfriend but theyh are together and talk all the time. Me and him spend. Basicly every night together. He tells me he loves me more than anything and that im the love of his life and he'll leave her in his own timebut hes been saying this for months and still tells ber he loves her. Before her he was married and she ran of with another bloke so I understand his concerns about leaving her to be with me incase I leave, but my ex fiance left for his ex so I know the pain it causes and wouldnt do it someone else. I also hate what im doing to his girlfriend but I fell in love with him. I dont know where I stand or what to do and I cant talk to him because when I do he gets deffensive and closes himself off. How long before its too long and I have to leave? I think about it all the time about us and what it will do to his girlfriend i never meant to fall for him and I dont know his gf but I didnt mean to and dont want to hurt her but hes part of my life now I bolded the part, that for me, is a huge red flag. The unwillingness to discuss is a bad sign. No one can predict a timeline for you, what I think is more important is how long do you think is reasonable to give him and what signs do you need/want to see that he is making forward process? For me, we laid out the ground rules very early on and recapped it in a written agreement between us. This is just my approach but due to the high state of emotions I didn't want anything forgotten or my intentions and allowances to be underestimated as well as his intentions and allowances. For me, a year was a very reasonable amount of time to commit to this and I didn't see the point in going longer. I had no desire to be a bandaid for him and if he wasn't intent on leaving then he needed to muddle through that on his own. I too was married and had just left my marriage. I did not see being in an EMR as a style of relationship that I cared to do forever. I understand a short term solution but was not something I was interested in long term. I had some other requirements as well for how our relationship would be constructed as I was not going to except less from him just because he was married. In my eyes, that was his baby to rock not mine. Figure out what you feel is reasonable for you and where you don't feel like you are sacrificing your best interest and go forward. If your gut is telling you now that his actions aren't matching up with his words, sit him down and have it out. If he shuts down and doesn't discuss with you, you have your answer and act accordingly. Best wishes, Link to post Share on other sites
Author The other women Posted December 12, 2012 Author Share Posted December 12, 2012 Please explain why you are the worst person to be around...? Why did she leave? And what has HE been doing since she left him? Is he trying to get her to come back? Im not entierly sure why apparently something to do with her not having time for him or not being right for him. He has given me her number and told me to speak with her I havnt used it I want the answers from him not her. I did think he was trying to get her back but him giving me her number (it is the correct number) made me think maybe they dont talk.......BUT as mynew post states he is still lieing he has me saved in his phone as steve and lied wheni asked who it was...... makes me wonder why hes so ashamed of me and what else is lies............. :s Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted December 12, 2012 Share Posted December 12, 2012 Im not entierly sure why apparently something to do with her not having time for him or not being right for him. He has given me her number and told me to speak with her I havnt used it I want the answers from him not her. I did think he was trying to get her back but him giving me her number (it is the correct number) made me think maybe they dont talk.......BUT as mynew post states he is still lieing he has me saved in his phone as steve and lied wheni asked who it was...... makes me wonder why hes so ashamed of me and what else is lies............. :s If he is a liar....why not just call her then? Maybe he gave you her number because he knew you wouldn't call so it didn't matter. I don't see why you're insistent on getting answers from him when you've admitted he lies all the time. I'd not be sticking around to find out why a man is ashamed of me. I have NO time for that. I'd call her if I were you or drop him immediately...in fact dropping him immediately is the better option! Link to post Share on other sites
Brit Posted December 12, 2012 Share Posted December 12, 2012 I would rather lodge a fork in my Vagina, than be with such a twit. Be wise, it takes time, and learn to love yourself more, gather some self esteem and find someone more worthy! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
promises Posted December 12, 2012 Share Posted December 12, 2012 How long ? A day. Don't do it to yourself ..it's hell. Link to post Share on other sites
promises Posted December 12, 2012 Share Posted December 12, 2012 I would rather lodge a fork in my Vagina, than be with such a twit. Be wise, it takes time, and learn to love yourself more, gather some self esteem and find someone more worthy! Hahahaha ..so true. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author The other women Posted December 12, 2012 Author Share Posted December 12, 2012 Attracted to him becausr I didnt think he was dishonest and I didnt intentionaly fall for him And because I dont know how much of it is true, how much im making up in my head because of the origional situation and my past experiences and if there is a logical explanation but I guess im just trying to convince myself Link to post Share on other sites
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