AnotherRound Posted September 30, 2012 Share Posted September 30, 2012 I was reading somewhere else on here where a MM was saying that he takes his wedding ring off when he is with his OW, and that started me thinking... For those involved with a MP, did the wedding ring that your AP sometimes wore "bother" you? Did they take it off? If so, was it your request or their choice? I never really thought about the wedding ring, but exMM often didn't wear his when he was with me. That was his choice, he thought it was respectful to me to not wear it around me, but I honestly wasn't bothered by it. I do remember that once he forgot to take it off, and as he was leaving he realized he had it on the whole time and we kind of joked about it - but weren't bothered by it. I am curious as to what others thought about the ring, if anything? Personally, exMMs necklaces bothered me more, as they got in the way sometimes... lol Did the ring bother any of the other OW/OMs or formers here? Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted September 30, 2012 Share Posted September 30, 2012 In the beginning I had every intention not to get involved more than having an A wih him. I had ther very clear idea that he belonged to his W, so there was no conflict of interest for that position. He took it off the first or second time we met I told him to stop being silly and wear his ring. When things were falling apart and we were talking about being together, there was a switch where couldn't standuis wedding ring anymore. I have asked him to take it off the last times we have met. And to answer any curiousity of BW out there, the wedding ring is not a deterrant. It's just there. There's no looking at the wedding ring, and thinking of its significance and the commitment to the spouse. When things are going well in the affair, one sort of glazes over it. It's like it's not there or it's just a piece of jewelry. Link to post Share on other sites
eleanorrigby Posted September 30, 2012 Share Posted September 30, 2012 And to answer any curiousity of BW out there, the wedding ring is not a deterrant. It's just there. There's no looking at the wedding ring, and thinking of its significance and the commitment to the spouse. When things are going well in the affair, one sort of glazes over it. It's like it's not there or it's just a piece of jewelry. We don't have wedding rings, so I've never really thought about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnotherRound Posted September 30, 2012 Author Share Posted September 30, 2012 In the beginning I had every intention not to get involved more than having an A wih him. I had ther very clear idea that he belonged to his W, so there was no conflict of interest for that position. He took it off the first or second time we met I told him to stop being silly and wear his ring. When things were falling apart and we were talking about being together, there was a switch where couldn't standuis wedding ring anymore. I have asked him to take it off the last times we have met. And to answer any curiousity of BW out there, the wedding ring is not a deterrant. It's just there. There's no looking at the wedding ring, and thinking of its significance and the commitment to the spouse. When things are going well in the affair, one sort of glazes over it. It's like it's not there or it's just a piece of jewelry. For me, it was never an issue, whether he and I were making love or making war... Like you said, it was just a ring. He wore other rings sometimes too, and other jewelry, and if anything, we only noticed them when they got in the way of something we were trying to do, lol. The one time I remember him forgetting to take it off, I did think briefly about the stbxw and wondered if she would attach significance to the ring (I never attached significance to any type of jewelry the way I see some people do, so I don't really understand it). And, wondered if she would be bothered knowing that he had it on during love making with me - as in that case it obviously came in contact with my body a lot during that. He and I talked about it briefly when he realized he had it on that night, but we weren't bothered, just kind of joked about it. I just thought it was interesting that the MM on here said he took his off when he was with his OW - as my MM did that too, but I hadn't really ever thought about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnotherRound Posted September 30, 2012 Author Share Posted September 30, 2012 We don't have wedding rings, so I've never really thought about it. My best friend and her husband (of 25 years) don't wear rings either. They are very down to earth people and have no need for material things like that. Do you just not like jewelry? Or does your husband just not want to wear one? I know a lot of men dislike wearing any type of jewelry... Link to post Share on other sites
eleanorrigby Posted September 30, 2012 Share Posted September 30, 2012 My best friend and her husband (of 25 years) don't wear rings either. They are very down to earth people and have no need for material things like that. Do you just not like jewelry? Or does your husband just not want to wear one? I know a lot of men dislike wearing any type of jewelry... We never had money for a wedding or rings. Link to post Share on other sites
eleanorrigby Posted September 30, 2012 Share Posted September 30, 2012 We out grew ours years before the explosion and never thought of replacing them....plus I don't like jewelry. yeah when things went bad I was kind of glad we didn't have the rings because I would have been tempted to flush it, and I hate wasting money. lol 1 Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted September 30, 2012 Share Posted September 30, 2012 We never had money for a wedding or rings. a guy I know can't wear one at work ( not sure why) so he and his wife got them tattooed on. Ouch! Link to post Share on other sites
eleanorrigby Posted September 30, 2012 Share Posted September 30, 2012 a guy I know can't wear one at work ( not sure why) so he and his wife got them tattooed on. Ouch! haha I knew a guy with a ring tat, but the place we worked didn't allow tats, so he used to put a bandaid over it during the shift. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnotherRound Posted September 30, 2012 Author Share Posted September 30, 2012 a guy I know can't wear one at work ( not sure why) so he and his wife got them tattooed on. Ouch! I've actually heard of that... I think it's kind of a neat idea. Just, what happens when you break up? Kind of like getting someone's name tattooed on you, kind of hard to remove if it goes south! lol My Gfather couldn't wear his at work - it was dangerous with the machinery he worked with. There are a lot of places that people can't wear any type of jewelry. I actually still have my wedding rings... I should probably pawn those things and get some money out of them! lol Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted September 30, 2012 Share Posted September 30, 2012 His wife hadn't worn hers for 2+yrs but he'd continued to wear his, mainly so as not to draw attention at work to his issues. I told him he must not remove it to see me. I wanted him to be authentic, not merely wearing it behind my back. I didn't want him lying to me in any way and that's what removing the ring represented, to me. I said that I wanted it to mean something once he removed it and it did. He took it off and never put it on again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnotherRound Posted September 30, 2012 Author Share Posted September 30, 2012 His wife hadn't worn hers for 2+yrs but he'd continued to wear his, mainly so as not to draw attention at work to his issues. I told him he must not remove it to see me. I wanted him to be authentic, not merely wearing it behind my back. I didn't want him lying to me in any way and that's what removing the ring represented, to me. I said that I wanted it to mean something once he removed it and it did. He took it off and never put it on again. ExMM took his off a few months ago and put it away. I think for him, that is when he really came to the realization that there wasn't a "marriage" to try to save and he came to terms with the divorce and the end of that part of his life. I'm going to pawn mine this coming week... I had totally forgotten I still had them until this thread! lol Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted September 30, 2012 Share Posted September 30, 2012 Wedding rings aren't meant to be shackles. H lost his first ring in the sea rescuing our eldest when his dinghy got washed away . His replacement broke at work (he was a builder at the time). I bought his a third!! He still wore that when with his ow. SHe knew he was married, he told her he'd never leave me, so I guess it was irrelevant. Mine meant a lot to me. He put it on my finger 20 years ago (next month). I took it off recently and still don't wear it. I won't throw it away as it holds good memories too. But when he can take the final step and tell me he doesn't give a flying fig about the OW, when I am not sharing any of his heart and head with her, then he can give me a new ring. He tells me it won't be long. I won't hold my breath.... I can wait until it's real. Link to post Share on other sites
canuckprincess Posted September 30, 2012 Share Posted September 30, 2012 I was reading somewhere else on here where a MM was saying that he takes his wedding ring off when he is with his OW, and that started me thinking... For those involved with a MP, did the wedding ring that your AP sometimes wore "bother" you? Did they take it off? If so, was it your request or their choice? I never really thought about the wedding ring, but exMM often didn't wear his when he was with me. That was his choice, he thought it was respectful to me to not wear it around me, but I honestly wasn't bothered by it. I do remember that once he forgot to take it off, and as he was leaving he realized he had it on the whole time and we kind of joked about it - but weren't bothered by it. I am curious as to what others thought about the ring, if anything? Personally, exMMs necklaces bothered me more, as they got in the way sometimes... lol Did the ring bother any of the other OW/OMs or Link to post Share on other sites
Ladydrib Posted September 30, 2012 Share Posted September 30, 2012 The ring didn't bother me other than it was a reminder of how we were being dishonest. This was not a feeling of jealousy, insecurity, or anything of the sort. It was more self reflection, guilt and disapproval of the fact I had let myself into that situation. Towards the end I used it symbolically a couple times. I had of course always been direct whith what I was looking for but at the end I was tired of hearing words that led nowhere in response to what I had to say. So I found myself (I probably did this in other subtle ways too - not pertaining to the ring) but with the ring specifically I wanted it to speak my words. He and I were in a moment of closeness (not sexual) and I saw it and immediately disconnected, as I should have the first time I saw it. I jumped away from him and I had his full attention. He asked what was the matter. I glanced down at his ring and gave him a look of disapproval and continued the distance. He took it off and threw it. I said, "yeah? Well you're just going to put it back on when you head home." That was the last time I saw him. And it felt good making my point. I did not tell him it would be the last time. As I mentioned, I was sick of words. But being as I ignored him everytime he tried to contact me after that, and he stopped trying, I'd say he heard my goodbye. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted September 30, 2012 Share Posted September 30, 2012 Did the ring bother any of the other OW/OMs or formers here? He did not wear one. He said it made him feel like "a pig with a ring at the end of his nose". He does wear one now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted September 30, 2012 Share Posted September 30, 2012 (edited) My former AP wasn't married...and tbh I think if he were, I'd probably not have been involved. So there wasn't a ring thing to contend with. But I imagine I'd be bothered, just like I was in the A when things came up as a reminder that he had a life and relationship with someone else. So a ring would for me be one of those trigger things that would make me upset. But then it's the whole A contradictions and quagmire, as even if he took it off, it wouldn't change the reality...so it would be essentially kind of a symbolic gesture of "respect" but a bit meaningless. If he took it off it would bother me, if he didn't it would bother me lol, as essentially I wouldn't be bothered by the ring itself, but what it signals Edited September 30, 2012 by MissBee Link to post Share on other sites
SecretFlower Posted September 30, 2012 Share Posted September 30, 2012 My ex always took off his wedding ring. It did bother me, but that was more because he never wore it (so if he had it would have been weird) and because we had such a separate life outside of his marriage he had friends that had very little inclination that he was married. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted September 30, 2012 Share Posted September 30, 2012 Leave it on ,take it off...what's the difference? The mark is still there, the indentation, the tan line. My ex used to take his off when he was cheating...but the demarcation was so obvious, I always wondered who could believe him when he said he was single. In my previous experience with MM, they all took it off. No clue as to why. I guess it had something to do with them pretending they were single. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted September 30, 2012 Share Posted September 30, 2012 Leave it on ,take it off...what's the difference? The mark is still there, the indentation, the tan line. My ex used to take his off when he was cheating...but the demarcation was so obvious, I always wondered who could believe him when he said he was single. In my previous experience with MM, they all took it off. No clue as to why. I guess it had something to do with them pretending they were single. 2sure...one need not believe a man to be single to date him, look where we are lol Ring or no ring there really is no difference as you say. But I do think taking it off is one of those things....self-deceptive more so than actually effective. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
maysapphires Posted October 1, 2012 Share Posted October 1, 2012 MM wore his for the first 2 months of our EA. Then one day he asked me if it bothered me and I told him yes. If he was telling me he wanted to leave her and commit to me why should he wear something that symbolized them being together. He didn't take it off that day but about a week later I noticed it was gone. We didn't discuss it until a co-worker brought it up in front of both of us and when she walked away he asked if I noticed it had been gone. I said of course and thanked him. From what I know from what I've seen and what BW has mentioned to me he hasn't put it back on since that day. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted October 1, 2012 Share Posted October 1, 2012 In all honesty I never really paid attention and couldn't with 100% certainty say whether or not he wore one. He wore a necklace I remember but nothing else sticks out in my mind. Other than he bought us somewhat matching bracelets quite early on and that's what I always noticed. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted October 1, 2012 Share Posted October 1, 2012 He never wore a wedding band. Link to post Share on other sites
skylarblue Posted October 2, 2012 Share Posted October 2, 2012 Since I found attraction in his marital status, I wasn't bothered by and preferred xMM to wear his ring. He used to take it off if we were spending time together at the house, but eventually stopped removing it. I don't know if he ever thought about it, whether from my POV or his W, but he got kinda disrespectful with it after dday which was kinda weird. It only really bothered me one time, the first time we met after ending it. I had him take it off. I think it's more of an issue with the BS because of all the ring symbolizes (which is more than just having a W). BS asked xMM "what did [he] do with [his] ring? Put it in the ashtray?" which says alot about how she felt. He convinced her it was likely on the dresser in their room at that time which I think she preferred to hear than him wearing it since she never brought it up again. Link to post Share on other sites
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