shacci2000 Posted September 19, 2012 Share Posted September 19, 2012 so this work colleague and I had been flirting for a few years; i'm married and assumed he was married too so it was all very innocent. i found out about 10 months ago that he was divorced. recently i had a life changing health issue and have since lost about 70 pounds. i'd been feeling like life is so short and i want to live again! i've gained much new found confidence because of my new appearance and life changing health scare. i began to flirt more purposefully with him and he reacted positively. we began to talk on the phone and started sexting, etc. we had lunch together and he told me he is in a relationship and not sure if he wants to pursue this. however; time won and we continued to talk about being together sexually, etc. this went on for about two months. finally this past week we were both at the same conference in the same hotel and we had sex. i was over the moon with excitement and still don't feel guilty about it - although i should; my husband is a very loving, great guy. my colleague told me today that he feels very guilty because of his relationship friend and that it can't happen again. i feel hurt although i knew this was a possibility. we have been good friends and i'm hoping to continue that. i'm just not sure how to handle all this. please help me sort these feelings out! thanks Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted September 19, 2012 Share Posted September 19, 2012 My immediate thought is to wonder about how you're processing your health scare and even the psychological ramifications of extreme weight loss (people don't often realize that when you lose a lot of weight it's not just cosmetic, but it can have both positive as well as confusing emotions attached). What were you hoping to get out of this situation? A one time hook up, multiple hook ups or a relationship? It seems as though this guy has been hesitant from the beginning...but as some men are, if you push enough, they surrender. It doesn't seem like emotions are involved for him and truthfully not sure if flirting and sexting constitutes a real friendship...so not sure how you would continue to be "friends". He feels guilty and your friendship before was based on flirting and sexting...chances are you can't go back to that. Shacci..you seem to be on a high post your close call and seem to be acting w/o thought to consequences. You can't undo certain things, for example you have crossed a line with your coworker and "friend" that will now change things and it may not be a positive change. You've also crossed a line that may change your marriage. Are you unhappy with your husband? Do you no longer want to be married? Perhaps you should think about what you said about life's too short and how you've acted in light of that. For me it would mean cherishing family and friends and savoring moments...not having an A with my coworker who didn't really seem to want to. Where do you want to go from here? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted September 19, 2012 Share Posted September 19, 2012 so this work colleague and I had been flirting for a few years; i'm married and assumed he was married too so it was all very innocent. i found out about 10 months ago that he was divorced. recently i had a life changing health issue and have since lost about 70 pounds. i'd been feeling like life is so short and i want to live again! i've gained much new found confidence because of my new appearance and life changing health scare. i began to flirt more purposefully with him and he reacted positively. we began to talk on the phone and started sexting, etc. we had lunch together and he told me he is in a relationship and not sure if he wants to pursue this. however; time won and we continued to talk about being together sexually, etc. this went on for about two months. finally this past week we were both at the same conference in the same hotel and we had sex. i was over the moon with excitement and still don't feel guilty about it - although i should; my husband is a very loving, great guy. my colleague told me today that he feels very guilty because of his relationship friend and that it can't happen again. i feel hurt although i knew this was a possibility. we have been good friends and i'm hoping to continue that. i'm just not sure how to handle all this. please help me sort these feelings out! thanks If you really feel life it to short and want to "live" again ie have sex with no strings....then divorce your husband. As you said he loving and great guy who would be able to find a woman that truely appriciates him. As for your "coworker"...I hate to tell you that the ship has sailed. You took a "friendship" to a new level and that cannot be undone. You no longer have a "friendship". I hope that your husband does not find out about your affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shacci2000 Posted September 19, 2012 Author Share Posted September 19, 2012 thanks for your response MissBee. i'm not sure what the hell i'm doing - i know i always liked the attention from him and was attracted to him. we were always able to have easy open conversation and i treasured our friendship. i felt like i was now confident enough to see where it might go. he's a good guy and i know i pushed till he surrendered. i know i haven't processed the health scare or psychological ramifications of the huge weight loss. all i know is that i'm getting wonderful positive reactions from people and it feels good to feel confident and attractive. i'm thinking i should probably seek some counseling. i will feel truly sad about losing his friendship and more then sad if my husband ever found out ~ Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted September 19, 2012 Share Posted September 19, 2012 Oh....congratulations on the weight loss . I am sure you look and feel a lot better. I could stand to lose a few myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shacci2000 Posted September 19, 2012 Author Share Posted September 19, 2012 Thanks. I need to get my emotions in check! Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted September 19, 2012 Share Posted September 19, 2012 Thanks. I need to get my emotions in check! Start with the emotions...then learn to turn toward your husband, not away from him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted September 20, 2012 Share Posted September 20, 2012 thanks for your response MissBee. i'm not sure what the hell i'm doing - i know i always liked the attention from him and was attracted to him. we were always able to have easy open conversation and i treasured our friendship. i felt like i was now confident enough to see where it might go. he's a good guy and i know i pushed till he surrendered. i know i haven't processed the health scare or psychological ramifications of the huge weight loss. all i know is that i'm getting wonderful positive reactions from people and it feels good to feel confident and attractive. i'm thinking i should probably seek some counseling. i will feel truly sad about losing his friendship and more then sad if my husband ever found out ~ Hey Shacci, I agree with you re: counseling. You've dealt with a lot and I think it would be good to lay all your thoughts, desires and fears on the table with someone who can help you sift through them. You don't seem to want to lose your husband yet you seem to be hungry for validation from other people/men. I do think for some people who were overweight they were never confident and they feel they settled in marrying some "nice" person, then when they start losing weight and getting attention, all of a sudden they're trying to "make up for loss time" and act like they're single again and test out their new "powers". I dunno if some of that is going on, but if you love your husband and love your life, it would be sad to throw it all away for meaningless As and attention from men who may simply want to bed you, esp if you seem so willing, but who could care less. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 20, 2012 Share Posted September 20, 2012 recently i had a life changing health issue and have since lost about 70 pounds. i'd been feeling like life is so short and i want to live again! i've gained much new found confidence because of my new appearance and life changing health scare. i began to flirt more purposefully with him and he reacted positively Where's your husband in all this? The man who supported and loved you during your health crisis! The man you said vows to in front of family and friends? Instead of pursuing an affair just divorce your husband and tell him that your health scare woke you up and you no longer want to be married to him, that you need to go experience and live life without him in it. DO NOT cheat on your husband. Your choices are either stay away from your co worker and focus on your husband and fix yourself or divorce him and then go chase the co worker. Staying and cheating is just cruel and selfish to do your husband (and kids?)/family. Sorry that my words are harsh..It's just you're throwing away so much for an ego stroke, a mid life crisis. One that you'll probably regret. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 20, 2012 Share Posted September 20, 2012 i'm thinking i should probably seek some counseling. i will feel truly sad about losing his friendship and more then sad if my husband ever found out ~ Yes, do counselling. And do divorce your husband. Your loyality, concern and love is with the wrong person - That's obvious..with your weight loss and changes in your lifestyle/attitude you've grown apart from your husband. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted September 20, 2012 Share Posted September 20, 2012 Confess to your husband and recommit to your marriage. You should be ashamed of yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted September 21, 2012 Share Posted September 21, 2012 You feel no guilt because you don't care about your H. You feel no guilt because all you care about is you you you and all the wonderful superficial attention you are getting. My xmw lost a pretty good amount of weight before I met her, I truly believe she was looking to be found attractive and with her new found body I did find her very attractive and I nearly destroyed my marriage for what amounted to a freakin' fling.... Since you feel no guilt and are gloating, it's time you let your H go, you won't care either way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author shacci2000 Posted September 21, 2012 Author Share Posted September 21, 2012 i appreciate the support from many and as far as the ones who are quick to pass judgement - you haven't stood in my shoes or know the health issues i've survived which resulted in the weight loss. i'm not gloating, just trying to be happy and discover who i really am. Link to post Share on other sites
alexandria35 Posted September 21, 2012 Share Posted September 21, 2012 i appreciate the support from many and as far as the ones who are quick to pass judgement - you haven't stood in my shoes or know the health issues i've survived which resulted in the weight loss. i'm not gloating, just trying to be happy and discover who i really am. You are lost and misguided. As a woman who was blessed with good looks and a great body since my teen years I can tell you that sexual attention from men is a shallow cheap form of validation. Once I hit 40 I realized how pointless and hollow that kind of attention really is. I would still have no problem capturing attention from men if that's what I wanted or it was something I still valued, but I don't. Dating sites, sexting, people sending pictures of their body parts to each other. BARF! I can't relate to that kind of behavior anymore. I want to connect to someone on an intellectual and emotional level. I want true friendship, honesty and loyalty. I want to see the beauty within a person and I want them to see the beauty within me. Cheap sex thrills are easy to come by. Big whoop. Lies and deceit. Anyone can find that, anywhere. You have a loyal loving husband at home and instead of valuing that, you value a sex hook up more. You are not discovering yourself, you are throwing away that which is valuable for your own ego. Good luck with that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted September 21, 2012 Share Posted September 21, 2012 i'm just not sure how to handle all this. please help me sort these feelings out! thanks Nothing to sort out. You cheated on your husband, loved every minute of it, and don't feel guilty. A good and loving man, as you describe him, deserves better than to be treated with such utter disrespect. I think you need to consider setting your husband free from you so he can find someone that won't do what you did, and will do again, to him. And spare us about the health issues and losing 70 pounds. What you did was take a man that loves you no matter what condition you are in or how heavy you are and crapped on him. I had health issues too long ago, was down and out more than I was up. Last thing on my mind when I got healthy and back into the game was think of cheating on my wife and kids. Quite the contrary. So spare us. You talk about being quick to pass judgement? This coming from a woman that says she doesn't feel guilty about betraying her loving husband? Do him a favor and set him free. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted September 21, 2012 Share Posted September 21, 2012 i appreciate the support from many and as far as the ones who are quick to pass judgement - you haven't stood in my shoes or know the health issues i've survived which resulted in the weight loss. i'm not gloating, just trying to be happy and discover who i really am. By cheating on your husband and not feeling guilty about it, I think you have done that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 21, 2012 Share Posted September 21, 2012 Feeling good about yourself - or new self - should not come with a price of making someone else feel so terrible ( your husband). Your lack of remorse is concerning. Get counseling - you seem confused about who you are. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 21, 2012 Share Posted September 21, 2012 i appreciate the support from many and as far as the ones who are quick to pass judgement - you haven't stood in my shoes or know the health issues i've survived which resulted in the weight loss. i'm not gloating, just trying to be happy and discover who i really am. Then tell your husband this. I am sorry that my post reply was harsh but I'm just going by what you said. You don't feel bad or guilty for what you've done to your husband. The man who stood by your side during all this..He doesn't deserve this. Yet you say you're more upset that OM has backed off and doesn't want to cross the lines with you anymore..He has that right to change his mind. Like it or not. Get therapy to help you find out who you are. Don't continue to cheat on your husband. That's not a healthy way of dealing with all this new found attention. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 21, 2012 Share Posted September 21, 2012 Shacci2000 if you were looking for male attention why didn't you turn to your loving husband? Why do you feel you need the attention of other men? Link to post Share on other sites
eleanorrigby Posted September 21, 2012 Share Posted September 21, 2012 This looks like a "status check" gone horribly wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted September 21, 2012 Share Posted September 21, 2012 i appreciate the support from many and as far as the ones who are quick to pass judgement - you haven't stood in my shoes or know the health issues i've survived which resulted in the weight loss. i'm not gloating, just trying to be happy and discover who i really am. Your shoes and your health issues have nothing to do with your cheating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Leelou Posted September 21, 2012 Share Posted September 21, 2012 There is a difference between the two of you. You are incapable of felling guilt while your lover is appropriately feeling guilty. You need to look up why you are not feeling guilt. Look up which personality disorder is associated with not feeling guilt. This is significant because you acknowledged your H is a great man. I suggest a psychiatric evaluation. I think OP may well be 'normal' and be capable of feeling guilt, but has not yet BECAUSE THE AFFAIR HAS NOT BEEN EXPOSED. She is also on a 'high' from her success at losing weight, and catching the OM despite his hesitance. So she's on a roll and has not been called to explain herself or her choices/actions. If she had been caught and saw her husband crying and being in great pain, I am sure she would THEN feel guilt! (unless of course, she IS pathological). Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 i appreciate the support from many and as far as the ones who are quick to pass judgement - you haven't stood in my shoes or know the health issues i've survived which resulted in the weight loss. i'm not gloating, just trying to be happy and discover who i really am. Then do that without harming your H and the M. If you need to be happy and it doesn't include your H - then D him and be single so you don't hurt others. Link to post Share on other sites
Sauron Posted September 23, 2012 Share Posted September 23, 2012 I wouldn't do anything you have been advised to do on this thread. I would take my time, say like a year to 18 months and figure out what you really want. If its you husband great, then you havn't blown up everything by blabbing like a school girl, if it's someone else great go pursue it, and if it's your H and someone else, well that's you business. Good luck to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 23, 2012 Share Posted September 23, 2012 I wouldn't do anything you have been advised to do on this thread. I would take my time, say like a year to 18 months and figure out what you really want. If its you husband great, then you havn't blown up everything by blabbing like a school girl, if it's someone else great go pursue it, and if it's your H and someone else, well that's you business. Good luck to you. I respectfully disagree with you about this. People have given her some pretty good advice. She should talk to her husband. He should know what is going on inside of her, and how unhappy she is in the marriage, that he isn't enough for her anymore and she needs more from him or she needs to separate/divorce to live her life the way she pleases. You're encouraging her to keep her mouth shut and keep her husband in the dark, maybe cheat on him again too. The marriage has TWO people in it, it's not all about her! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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