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Affairs, just not worth it


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 12th September 2012, 1:22 PM   #1
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Affairs, just not worth it

Affairs. For those of you that are in one, thinking about one or about to get into one dont do it. Trust me when I tell you for the little bit of fun and the love you feel the heart ache out weighs it by ten times. Don't do it for your own sanity as this may sound selfish it isnt. You are better off waiting till either both parties are divorced or done with their present relationships. If that is going to happen don't engage into the affair. You will have sleepless nights days wondering what is going to happen am I going to get caught does my affair partner really like me back or am I just getting used. Your probably thinking nah that won't happen too me but it will and it will hit you like a ton of bricks. And when I'm talking about affairs I'm not talking about a one night fling with someone, not that that's ok but I'm talking about a semi relationship. While you are on a high during the affair and fell like you are on top of the world, you are at that time but then it's a long fall down from the top. This is the same I believe for both men and women. You become insane when it starts to come to an end wondering is my affair partner going to call or text me, why is it ending how can I stop it from ending. Guess what you can't stop any of it, you will become a shell of your former self and will always feel at a loss. My affair ended well over a year ago but not a day or hour goes by that I don't think about her. And truth be told I wonder if she ever thinks about me, I know some on here are going to say that you aren't over her and guess what I'm not and I might never be only time will tell. Same think with no contact I'm a little over 3 weeks into it now and it's brutal and I hope that I don't falter but if I do I will start over again. Because I have to remember its just not worth it. There are some good people on here that can really help you get straight. For me Emme and Rick fox. So thank you guys.*
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Old 12th September 2012, 1:29 PM   #2
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I'm sorry you're hurting, mr h. I hope you stay strong and allow healing thoughts to fill your heart. You can heal from this. The want to is there and that's the first step. I wish you well.
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Old 12th September 2012, 1:41 PM   #3
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mr h,

Hi, I'm a single OW, and I am in my fourth month of NC.

I just want to wish you well in ending your A and say, that, I agree that A's just aren't worth all the heart ache they cause.

Actually, I lost myself, my integrity, became depressed, and insecure.

Throughout the past four months though, I am gradually getting back to my old self. Sure, he still comes into my thoughts at times and I process the thoughts logically and then it passes until the next time.

It's getting better and I've been focussing on my needs, working on projects around my home, just doing the things that got put on the backburner because of the MM.

Time is a healer, if, you really focus on the healing and allow it to happen.
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Old 12th September 2012, 1:52 PM   #4
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How long did your affair last?
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Old 12th September 2012, 1:58 PM   #5
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It was about 5 months PA and I would say I had an EA for about a year and a half now. I think it was an EA I'm not sure she would say the same lol
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Old 12th September 2012, 4:25 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mr h View Post
Affairs. For those of you that are in one, thinking about one or about to get into one dont do it. Trust me when I tell you for the little bit of fun and the love you feel the heart ache out weighs it by ten times. Don't do it for your own sanity as this may sound selfish it isnt. You are better off waiting till either both parties are divorced or done with their present relationships. If that is going to happen don't engage into the affair. You will have sleepless nights days wondering what is going to happen am I going to get caught does my affair partner really like me back or am I just getting used. Your probably thinking nah that won't happen too me but it will and it will hit you like a ton of bricks. And when I'm talking about affairs I'm not talking about a one night fling with someone, not that that's ok but I'm talking about a semi relationship. While you are on a high during the affair and fell like you are on top of the world, you are at that time but then it's a long fall down from the top. This is the same I believe for both men and women. You become insane when it starts to come to an end wondering is my affair partner going to call or text me, why is it ending how can I stop it from ending. Guess what you can't stop any of it, you will become a shell of your former self and will always feel at a loss. My affair ended well over a year ago but not a day or hour goes by that I don't think about her. And truth be told I wonder if she ever thinks about me, I know some on here are going to say that you aren't over her and guess what I'm not and I might never be only time will tell. Same think with no contact I'm a little over 3 weeks into it now and it's brutal and I hope that I don't falter but if I do I will start over again. Because I have to remember its just not worth it. There are some good people on here that can really help you get straight. For me Emme and Rick fox. So thank you guys.*
Why can't you end whatever unhappy relationships you are in and be together in a real relationship? It really is sad to think the people who are together are not in love and the people who are in love cannot make that change to be together.
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Old 12th September 2012, 4:33 PM   #7
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Something is better than nothing.

Most single OWs are frustrated with open day relationships with single men.

Most MOWs simply want cake.

They do ...big time! But blow them off a bit, or when they realize that other women are after you, that's when they all of a sudden want more.
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Old 12th September 2012, 4:45 PM   #8
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((((mr h))))) I am sorry for your pain.
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Old 12th September 2012, 5:32 PM   #9
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That NC stuff is difficult, especially when you still have feelings for the person and it's circumstances that keep you apart and not feelings that keep you apart. I'm sorry that you are hurting, and that your experience of an A was that it was not worth it.

In my case, I think the A I was involved in was worth a lot of things. Yes, people were hurt in the process, but people are hurt in life, it's inevitable. People heal, and in the process, learn so much about themselves and what they need and want in life. I'm not proud of the fact that I was involved in an A with a MM, but I am glad for what it taught me. And I would never trade the love that I felt for him for not having the experience.

I also believe that As highlight what is wrong in someone's marriage. I don't know anyone that would have an A "just for a little fun on the side". It's far more complicated than that, imo. When humans aren't having their needs met, they will go to great lengths to have them met. We have to eat, we have to sleep, we have to have water... and we HAVE to have emotional and physical connection. We die without it. Maybe not mortally die in some cases of certain needs, but indeed die we do. Emotionally, our self esteem, our connection to the world around us. We fail to thrive. That saddens me so much to see someone going through life like that when there is truly no need.

Yes, there are other ways to exit an unfulfilling relationship. And if it were only that cut and dry, this board wouldn't even exist. But in reality, there are a lot of complications in "just leaving" the relationship so that you can find happiness with someone else who may be more suited for you. So, I wouldn't change my experience, but I will never do it again. Because it was a good experience for me, for him, and yes, even for his wife. It forced them to look at what they were refusing to confront. And now, they are processing and confronting the things that they need to. Painful? Yes. But so very necessary to live an authentic and peace filled life.

Good luck. I hope it gets better for you soon. Keep us updated.
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Old 12th September 2012, 6:37 PM   #10
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Hi Mr H,
I remember your first threads, you were very pro-Affair at that time and whatever we would tell you, you didn't want to listen it

One of my mistakes after the A was to allow contact from xMW. She would initiate it for whatever reason and I was not strong enough to ignore her. So please keep her as far as you can.

If you are single, keep dating, dating and dating...Maybe you won't find the ONE but it will help A LOT to take down xMW from the pedestal where you put her. Learn the pleasure of meeting and knowing other women. There are plenty of fish in the sea..

It will be a LONG process. Affairs leave deep scars and it is not easy to get over it. Time will heal you.
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Old 12th September 2012, 9:51 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by Pierre View Post
OP is probably moping in distress around the house and the wife has no clue about what is going on.

In the meantime cake eater MOW is probably at home feeling OK. Would not be surprised if the affair enhanced the sex with her husband.

I have to say I feel bad for OP, but in the end he has self inflicted pain. Gotta give him credit for recognizing that. I would think that self inflicted pain could be more frustrating.
Is this helpful or hurtful?
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Old 12th September 2012, 9:58 PM   #12
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I admire anyone who says they wouldn't trade their time with their xmm/xmw.

Me? I would rather have not wasted my good intentions, emotions and feelings on a slug who said we would be together but then never made the effort.

What was his name, again? Can't remember.
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Old 13th September 2012, 8:39 AM   #13
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Mr H

Well I was hoping to have gotten an answer from you many weeks ago when we last exchanged PMs and Im sorry to see you struggling so horribly.

NC for three weeks means at some point you faltered but what happened when you did? Did she mess with your mind? Did she tell you she missed you.....

The ONLY thing you can do to ease the heartache is to let it go, stop trying to figure out if what you had was real, if she thinks of you, if she misses you, because it matters no more. None of it matters. It's over and needs to stay that way or you will lose your mind, and I speak from experience.

It gets easier, believe me, the thoughts will always be there but the emotions that go with them, they dissipate. Don't think I don't think of my xMW every day, but with those thoughts I realize what she was, who she was, and how none of it was worth it despite how much it seemed so at the time. The thoughts quickly fade and and I move on and so must you.

Focus on what you have, not what you don't, remind yourself she is getting along just fine and do the same.

Don't answer her anymore, don't seek her out, don't let her validate your worth and string you along.....become a ghost brother.

PM me if need be
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Old 13th September 2012, 10:57 AM   #14
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Pierre I never said that i wasn't a cheater because I am. The point to my post was maybe to try and prevent someone from making the same one that I did. And if it stops only one then it was well worth it. Just so you know I'm not trying to argue with you.
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Old 13th September 2012, 1:25 PM   #15
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Pierre I never said that i wasn't a cheater because I am. The point to my post was maybe to try and prevent someone from making the same one that I did. And if it stops only one then it was well worth it. Just so you know I'm not trying to argue with you.

Although all affairs are predicated on deceit and what not, it's hard to dissuade someone from taking the plunge if they have their mind made up. It's easy rationalize things when you're not really involved in one. I was dead set against affairs and I'm a very level headed person, but when a smoking hot WS began showing interest in me and offered no strings attached sex, my values and ethics were slowly relegated to the back burner. It doesn't always happen overnight....sometimes it's a slow, insidious process in which you finally acquiesce because you have rationalized the affair - or so you think.

It's obvious that you were emotionally attached to the WS in your case. Try to find a good source of distraction to keep your mind off her and let time heal your pain.
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