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Found out old colleague I liked is married...


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 13th July 2012, 10:21 AM   #1
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Unhappy Found out old colleague I liked is married...

So I'd agreed to meet him today for coffee who I had been exchanging messages with recently on Facebook and it's fair to say have come away secretly feeling a bit disappointed. I decided in the end to dress smart-casual i.e dark red v kneck top, black 'slim' trousers and black heels. Went very well but then during chat had found out he was MARRIED, so obviously it was just for a catch up. Especially as later in the conversation he confessed about a dilemma he had re having feelings for one of his wife's friends and thinks there is mutual chemistry between them, although nothing has actually happened. He also said that he was planning to seperate from his wife, most likely (if he does it) early next year when they had planned to move house, whether anything happens with this woman or not. I enjoyed chatting with him though discussing our hopes and fears etc and is left that we will meet again sometime soon e.g go for a walk, but obviously it'll just be as friends as things are complicated with him. I also wonder if he doesn't find me that attractive (even though he complimented my photo on FB as being quite striking) if he mentioned this friend of his wife's he is v attracted to! God, what a mess.
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Old 13th July 2012, 3:22 PM   #2
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Famous last words designed to get the prospective OW in the hook. This is straight from the cheater's manual for married people.
Yup.

He's grooming you.

He told you about a "separation", which plants the seed so that you'll give yourself permission to have an affair in the future. Women don't want to be homewreckers and if they think the marriage was already over before they came on the scene, they won't feel guilty. MM know this. You can tell yourself "His marriage was already on the rocks before I came along. I won't be responsible for his wife's pain, they're already over". It makes you more willing to cheat with him.

He told you about his wife's friend to pique your interest and to spark feelings of jealously. Now you're curious as to why he is attracted to her, and not you. Now you're questioning your appeal. He's playing on your insecurity. Creating uncertainty is a tool that married men and so called "pick up artists" use to spark attraction, and it usually works because it activates the reward system in the brain. When he goes for the kiss, and proves that he's attracted to you, you'll be validated. His attraction to you will have more meaning, you'll feel special.

He also told you about the wife and the friend to show you that he can "talk to you about anything". He feels so comfortable with you that he can tell you his secrets and deepest feelings. You're special, he can trust you. This tactic creates familiarity, and leaves you feeling comfortable so you'll let your guard down.

JMO.
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Old 13th July 2012, 3:40 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by goldengirl11 View Post
So I'd agreed to meet him today for coffee who I had been exchanging messages with recently on Facebook and it's fair to say have come away secretly feeling a bit disappointed. I decided in the end to dress smart-casual i.e dark red v kneck top, black 'slim' trousers and black heels. Went very well but then during chat had found out he was MARRIED, so obviously it was just for a catch up. Especially as later in the conversation he confessed about a dilemma he had re having feelings for one of his wife's friends and thinks there is mutual chemistry between them, although nothing has actually happened. He also said that he was planning to seperate from his wife, most likely (if he does it) early next year when they had planned to move house, whether anything happens with this woman or not. I enjoyed chatting with him though discussing our hopes and fears etc and is left that we will meet again sometime soon e.g go for a walk, but obviously it'll just be as friends as things are complicated with him. I also wonder if he doesn't find me that attractive (even though he complimented my photo on FB as being quite striking) if he mentioned this friend of his wife's he is v attracted to! God, what a mess.
Hmmm....

I know the feeling of wanting validation and wanting someone to be interested in you, and how it can make you feel even better if you feel like the person is off limits; however, it is dangerous territory.

My impression of this guy is one who has poor boundaries frankly. He has been chatting it up with you on FB, is attracted to his wife's friend, is telling you his colleague about it, and now planning a "friend walk" with you. I mean who really does this? People with poor boundaries. He seems like one who shares too much, with people he barely knows, gets into inappropriate situations with women by choosing to go on walks alone and so forth, and no doubt that's contributed to his relationship issues. If he's like that, having a new gf doesn't change the fact that he is someone who probably likes having women give him attention and validation: so he over shares with them, IMs with them, go for "walks" with them etc because he likes that they listen to him, they probably start having feelings for him etc.
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Old 13th July 2012, 9:00 PM   #4
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It may be the oldest trick in the world, but many desperate women fall for it.
Desperate women fall for this?

What I see is DESPERATE MEN who pull this trick.

The OP doesn't strike me as a desperate woman at all.

And yes, goldengirl, as I read your post I also thought "He's playing her." Do yourself a favor and don't fall for it. Let HIM be he desperate one, trying his silly ploy, while you are strong and smart and laughing.
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Old 13th July 2012, 9:03 PM   #5
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I wonder how many other "old colleagues" he's been asking out for coffee behind his wife's back on Stupidbook.

And then he gives you the "unhappy marriage but waiting till ___________." line. How wonderful. But I do give him an "A" for the passive aggressive "wife's friend" bait. Seems to have worked. Here you are.
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