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In love and Confused...Help


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ExtraConfused

I'm 20 years old, and I've been dating the same guy for the past 3 years. He's 7 years older than I am, and he has 2 children. One of which I didn't find out about until a year into our relationship. I feel rather uncomfortable being around his kids (they're both 8 years of age) and in a way I'm jealous. I never say anything to him about it because I'm mad at myself for even feeling this way. he wants to get married, and I love him to death, but I'm not sure I can deal with this feeling for the rest of my life. Maybe I'm being selfish. But his time is always being divided between work, them, and me. and when he tries to have I guess what you'd call it "family day" where we all go out together, I feel like I'm in one of those pictures...find the one thing that doesn't belong. I don't know what to do. I want to date. Make the most of my college days. And party with out him popping up all the time. But I'm no sure I want to lose him. I don't know what to do. PLEASE HELP!

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His first obligations are to his children, you cannot and wouldn't want to change that. When you date a man who has children, you honestly have to accept certain things, especially if it's a long-term commitment. Have you talked to him about it?

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ExtraConfused

I was fine with the fact that he had one child, but I was overwhelmed when I found out he had two. He waited until we were together for a little over a year, when he was sure I was already emotionally attached, before he told me of the second child. Because he "didn't know how I would react" (so he said). No I haven't said anything to him because I feel bad for feeling this way in the first place.

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How is two different than one? The kids need his attention more than you do, this is their father. Don't feel bad about looking out for your own needs, if you need a full-time man, you're going to have to detach yourself from this guy.

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I am very concerned that he didn't tell you about the second one from the beginning. Doesn't sound good. Also, I dated a man in the past who had one child, who was 5 at the time. I felt the same way as you, but I also learned another hard lesson.... He let his son misbehave continuously, and even though I was expected to be nice to the boy (and I was very ncie to him), to care about him, etc., if I ever dared tell my ex that I thought maybe the discipline was a little lax, I got blasted for it. The ex would say things like, "How dare you tell me how to raise my kid when you don't have any" etc etc. It was awful.

 

I don't know about your bf, but it seems to me that the non-custodial divorced parent (and even the custodial parent) often have a lot of guilt over the divorce, and because of this guilt, they let their kids get away with murder when they have them. They want their limited time together to be happy, so discipline takes a back seat. (I still don't have kids, just my observation from experience. You divorced parents out there feel free to comment)

 

So, keep in mind that you will be expected to provide all the nice things, but you likely won't have any say in how they're raised. As long as he raises them to be kind, courteous, etc, I guess that's ok, but what happens when they act like mini Hell's Angels? You will have to suck it up.

 

I couldn't live with that.

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Both kids are 8? No wonder you're extra confused. I guess you don't know the story (stories) behind this yet, eh? Though I'm thinking by now you should know, but it's ok if you don't want to say more about that here.

 

I'm getting a bad feeling about this.

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