Is this approach crazy??

[blythe]

Through my research, I have found that I'm sure I sound like a broken record but both of us feel we have found the love of our lives. The affair was recently revealed and he has jumped into reality and faced the potential harm leaving him family would cause under these circumstances.

 

He is now telling me that through their own research, he has a lot more in perspective and it trying to explore their relationship further to see if it really will work or not. He has been with his wife for 19 years and nothing like this has ever happend. I do know this.

 

Problem is, he is still holding on to me and indicating he can finally separate the two. We go back and forth but he generally indicates he wants to see if what we have will truly last a lifetime. Security if you will... Although we both know there are no guarantees, I want to hold on as well. The painful moments are hard to get through though sometimes.

 

I know this is a gamble and I feel like revealing this in this manner makes me look pathetic and unethical. I never thought I would ever be in this type of situation and it goes against every relatioship rule I have for myself. With so little said, can anyone shed light on his approach or any advice for me?

[brashgal]

I believe that most people refer to this as "having his cake and eating it too".

 

Doesn't sound good for you but I'm not sure what you want out of the relationship, whether you are also married, etc. I think I wouldn't see him any more until he made a commitment to be with me and only me.

[Skittles]

Hi blythe,

 

I don't believe I could add to what you already know. It is positive that he is focusing on his marriage, it might have saved you some heartache if he did that prior to sleeping with you. ..or maybe not.

 

If he loves you beyond the newness of you, the sex, and what you provide that he is not getting in his marriage, then I believe that he might come to the conclusion that the relationship he has with his wife is over. I also believe that sleeping with an unavailable man or woman, in a failing relationship, only adds to the confusion and delays the necessary steps of addressing the problems in the primary relationships.

 

I call it "band-aid sex"...and what makes it even more distressing is that you and he are attempting to develop a relationship while the failing one is still thrashing around the boat....Fish or cut bait.

 

Your lover needs to fix his marriage or end it. ..and my wish for you is that you prepare for the possibility that he may not invest in a relationship with you.

It is very important, imo, that you protect yourself first and foremost, emotionally especially, until you know for sure this man is willing to commit only to you.

 

 

I wish you happiness.

[TheFaithfulWife]

Blythe,

 

If he is questioning whether it is a good idea to leave his wife and family then maybe it would be wise to excuse yourself from the picture.

 

I was the wife in a similar situation, once my husband had his affair out in the open and was faced with the option to leave or stay he almost fell apart.

 

Once we started counseling and the OW stepped out of the picture and told him that when he made his decision to let her know, he discovered that he had made a mistake and was using the OW as a bandaid to the problems we were having.

 

The marriage counselor pointed out that if a man is reluctant to end his relationship with his wife and it causes him distress, then he must still have strong feelings for her.

 

If he had been concerned with ONLY the children then it would have been obvious that he had only the OW in his heart.

 

My husband now tells me he never stopped loving me and he is so happy I was willing to take him back and try again.

 

We had been married 17 years at the time of the affair and he had been depressed over where he was going with his life.

 

He said that by having the OW not in the middle confusing his emotions, he was able to step back and see what he really wanted.

 

He moved out for 6 months and distanced himself from both of us, only attending counseling with me for the first couple of months. He dated during this time and found that the person he was missing was me and not the OW.

 

We are now back together and have been doing well with counseling for 9 months now.

 

Give him a chance to find what he needs to make him happy, if it is you he wants he will find his way back to you.

Good luck

The FaithfulWife

[jester]

He is now telling me that through their own research, he has a lot more in perspective and it trying to explore their relationship further to see if it really will work or not. He has been with his wife for 19 years

 

 

Problem is, he is still holding on to me and indicating he can finally separate the two. We go back and forth but he generally indicates he wants to see if what we have will truly last a lifetime. Security if you will

 

 

Our married man (MM) is simultaneously conducting two investigations: he wants to determine whether both his marriage and his affair will persevere. My bet is that he will tell you that, after research, he cannot leave his family but that you are the most passionate love of his life and that he needs you.

 

By doing this, his self-esteem is protected because he has not abandoned his family for the "other woman," but he also gets to continue to have fun with you. As long as you remain emotionally and/or physically available to him, this day of reckoning is a joke. He won't do anything differently. Why should he? He has the best of both worlds--his reputation and good sex.

 

If you do not want to be the permanent OW, my strong recommendation is that you emotionally, physically and sexually withdraw from this arrangement, until he makes his final decision as revealed by his actions: Divorce. Never believe a MM when he tells you he's going to get a divorce. The wait takes forever, literally.

 

During this separation perhaps you can date some available guys-- guys who don't have all the baggage that this guy possesses. MM can turn into such drags as time goes by.