detroiter Posted January 22, 2004 Share Posted January 22, 2004 I recently came to the conclusion that I was part of an "emotional affair" and now I'm wondering what to do about it. I've seen many articles and messages about this topic which address the aftermath for the married person. But I haven't seen anything written specifically for the "other" man/woman? I was the other man. And one of my best friends was the unsuspecting husband. It started innocently as two friends, me and her, discussing life's problems and everyday issues. I was always really close with her kids and often hung out with the family (an adopted uncle, if you will). But I noticed soon that they were not happy at all in their marriage. And, I noticed her other low-self-confidence issues and lingering issues with lost relatives and friends. Being quite codependent myself, I naturally tried to be there for her (listening, caring, etc) when he wasn't. It got me in trouble... We were never physical, but I noticed more closeness between us. I would almost describe it as me being her "other" husband. She totally took it to another level. Maybe I did too. I needed separation. Eventually, I found a girlfriend and reduced the time I spent with my married friend. I knew it was a big issue when she became totally obsessed with my new girlfriend (trying to keep us apart, playing the guilt card that I was ignoring her, you name it). I tried breaking it off many ways without success. But, the hardest part is keeping the friendship with the family while trying not to encourage her feelings. Finally, I pulled myself out completely. We've since had huge arguments and there are many bad feelings between me and her, and I suspect between their family and me. I have already noticed the husband being more distant with me. I'm glad to say the "affair" is over, at least on my part. And, perhaps due to her anger at the whole thing, on her part too. But I need to know: Is there any way for me to resurrect the good friendship I had with the family? Or should we go our separate ways? Thank you for your advice! Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted January 22, 2004 Share Posted January 22, 2004 The only way a "friendship" can out last an affair....is when there was an agreement the affair would never go beyond the original friendship. You start throwing in feelings, jealousy and all that .....then there is small hope of picking up where you were before the affair began. In addition to that.....you are also friends with 'the spouse'. NOT A GOOD THING! You've crossed the line of frienship and the friendship probably is....and definately should be....over. Consider it the 'price paid' for messing around with his wife. If it were the other way around....wouldn't you prefer him getting out of your life....rather than having some 'secret' with your wife? His wife will probably end up telling him anyway.....if she hasn't already. Woman have a tendency to blab. These are the reasons why most affairs end up in the Sea of Regret. They come at a great cost....to all involved. Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted January 22, 2004 Share Posted January 22, 2004 Well, I think that you trod a fine line between very close friendship and a full-out affair, and I think that in the end it fell more towards friendship than affair, at least from your side, and I think you should take heart from the fact that you were able to put it in perspective, and walk away from it all...the fact that you value the closeness with her and her family and do not want to destroy it, is notable as well. It sure sounds to me like she wanted a LOT more than you were giving, and to my mind that makes HER the untrustworthy one, and not you. When you wanted out, she obviously took it personally and threw her toys, trying to interfere in your new relationship....very not OK. Link to post Share on other sites
Kay Posted January 22, 2004 Share Posted January 22, 2004 Whoa, boy! I could barely read your post until you got to the part about getting a new girlfriend, etc. You could be my husband, except for that part! In fact, I'm from the Detroit area, too! WAY too many coincidences! To my knowledge, my H does not have a girlfriend, tho. My H had an emotional affair with my best friend of 15 years. Her husband was my husband's best friend, too. We were all like family to each other, kids were great friends, etc. They claim that they were not physical either, but I do know that this affair shook the very roots of both our marriages and completely destroyed our friendships. For both your sakes, STAY away from her. In my humble opinion, the answer to your question about "resurrecting" the friendship is NO. Because once you've crossed the line between friendship and an affair (physical or emotional), the damage is likely done. If she is truly unhappy in her marriage, she should be paying more attention to her own problems than investing time and energy in you. Only my opinion. Take care! Kay Link to post Share on other sites
Author detroiter Posted January 23, 2004 Author Share Posted January 23, 2004 Thank you all for your comments. I completely agree that they should be paying attention to each other and not me. I should add to the discussion an interesting twist. At no point did I hide any of my friendship from her husband. He knew we were hanging out and encouraged it. I think he was letting me fill his shoes to avoid dealing with her sometimes. When I felt things were strange, I told him. Link to post Share on other sites
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