Facebook love story...or lust story...

[mishti]

I am fool...a big Fool for even trusting the dumb statements he made!!!!

 

Ok, let me share my short story.

 

I am 34, married (very happily for 10 years) with a Son (age 6). I am a stay at home mom...and my husband travels for work. We pretty much change states every 12-18 months due to nature of his work.

 

I used to spend a lot of time on Facebook, because I enjoyed the virtual life of being together with known friends and family.

One fine evening this man (age 46, married...2 kids) sent me a friend request and I accepted it. we started talking...and little verbal flirting...then he started praising me...giving me attention and lot of his time.

 

Honestly, this was what I needed!! time, attention and little praise. He later said he loves me a lot...has found the love of his life...etc etc...

 

fast forward...5 months later, he travelled from Asia to meet me in USA. We had sex. 5 lovely days of secret honeymoon...

 

he went back....and totally changed...Hardly gave me attention, hardly communicated...lost all interest....and last week 7 months later..he dumped me...

 

I very well know...he made a big fool of me..but i actually and really fell in love with him. He played his games so well...that I trusted him like crazy...Now I am totally lost!! Alone..sad..lonely....missing him badly...

 

I really dunno what to do??

 

I knw he is wrong man...n I did Wrong too...but why can't i register this in my head!!!!!!

 

Can anyone bash my head...and tell me how idiot I was and I am!!!

[alexandria35]

Why on earth did you even accept his friend request? Didn't you find it kind of odd?

 

You DID NOT fall in love with him. You don't know the first thing about this guy so how can you love someone you don't know? Do you think you were the only woman he was sending friend requests to? He probably had 3 or 4 woman all on the go (online) at the same time. Hell he might not even be in Asia. He might be somewhere much closer to you but said he was far away so that you would never have any expectations of a real relationship with him. Bottom line: you don't know this guy. Everything single thing he told you could have been a lie. You don't know. You were in love with a fantasy because it made you feel good. You are not in love with this man.

[bentnotbroken]

I can not comprehend the need to accept friend requests of people one does not know:eek:. I am sure that most of us get friend request all the time from people of the opposite sex that we don't know...why is there a need accept one of these requests? Someone explain it to me please.

[stillafool]

Can anyone bash my head...and tell me how idiot I was and I am!!!

 

I bet your husband can do that for you. Did you tell him yet?

[mishti]

The husband suggestion was good. Yeah, but I will land in trouble...

I accept I made mistake...but its hard to forget him...I feel betrayed and angry...angry on myself!!

 

I accepted his friend request because one of my college seniors was common and they shared the same surname. I accpeted his request because my senior had a brother and I thought he was the same. Mistaken Identity...

 

He had loads of family photo and later I became friends with few of his friends and their wives. I have seen pics of my seniors partying with him.... Only one of his friend knows about us...and he is a genuinely kind and nice man. He knew this relation was wrong...but he said he knows that the man really loves me...coz his friend is with him from past 20 years!

 

I thot why would a bunch of 46 year olds lie...I mean he travelled all the way across the globe...he could have paid n got sex there itself...

Edited February 27, 2012 by mishti

[mishti]

Why on earth did you even accept his friend request? Didn't you find it kind of odd?

 

You DID NOT fall in love with him. You don't know the first thing about this guy so how can you love someone you don't know? Do you think you were the only woman he was sending friend requests to? He probably had 3 or 4 woman all on the go (online) at the same time. Hell he might not even be in Asia. He might be somewhere much closer to you but said he was far away so that you would never have any expectations of a real relationship with him. Bottom line: you don't know this guy. Everything single thing he told you could have been a lie. You don't know. You were in love with a fantasy because it made you feel good. You are not in love with this man.

 

i don't think every single thing he said was Lie...but yes, I do agree NOW that he sure did twist the truth....filtered them and told me things he thought I should Know...

 

Also I agree, I MAY be in LOVE with the Fantasy....but then why is it so hard for me to let go!!

 

Please understand friends: I am not arguing with anyone...just when u guys write something, it will be like my friends telling me...As I dun have anyone with whom I can share or talk regarding this matter.,,,

[18Years2Late]

I can not comprehend the need to accept friend requests of people one does not know:eek:. I am sure that most of us get friend request all the time from people of the opposite sex that we don't know...why is there a need accept one of these requests? Someone explain it to me please.

 

Exactly...I will never understand that...the world is full CRAZY people with no so good intentions...also, staying in a hotel room with someone who you don't even know their middle name?????...scary...

[18Years2Late]

i don't think every single thing he said was Lie...but yes, I do agree NOW that he sure did twist the truth....filtered them and told me things he thought I should Know...

 

Also I agree, I MAY be in LOVE with the Fantasy....but then why is it so hard for me to let go!!

 

Please understand friends: I am not arguing with anyone...just when u guys write something, it will be like my friends telling me...As I dun have anyone with whom I can share or talk regarding this matter.,,,

 

This man is nothing more than a habit to you...u have a habit of conversing with him for a year...it's not love...it made you feel good yes...breaking the habit will not come over night...but consider yourself lucky and start spending the time you "spent" with him on something else that makes you feel good...tell your H how u feel...maybe he would like to make some changes that would make u feel good...u don't have to tell H of your A...I didn't...but H can't fix problems he is unaware of right?...

[GorillaTheater]

I really dunno what to do??

 

Tell his wife and tell your husband. You might pray that your husband is the forgiving sort, but either way shape the hell up and be a better wife and person in the future, regardless of who your husband may be at that point. Right now your husband and his wife are living a lie they aren't even aware of. Do everybody a favor and clue them in.

 

Can anyone bash my head...and tell me how idiot I was and I am!!!

 

Sort of goes without saying, don't you think?

[mishti]

This man is nothing more than a habit to you...u have a habit of conversing with him for a year...it's not love...it made you feel good yes...breaking the habit will not come over night...but consider yourself lucky and start spending the time you "spent" with him on something else that makes you feel good...tell your H how u feel...maybe he would like to make some changes that would make u feel good...u don't have to tell H of your A...I didn't...but H can't fix problems he is unaware of right?...

 

Yes...HABIT!!! I am so habituated to him!!!

 

I miss his mails (initially he sent long ones...later it was just reduced to his schedule...n last month it was just good morning...good evening....Love u..miss U without any feelings...)

 

I miss him the most at times when we used have skype chats n phone calls...those are the times...I feel lonely and feel like crying....

 

The good thing is...I accept that I made a mistake...I need help...What bugs me most was with whatever relation I had with him (with restrictions, timings) I was true to him...I never said marry me...or gave him any trouble....I was pretty much like friend with benefits...I always knew he was NOT a SUBSTITUTE for my Marriage...

 

I really don't know what do I do in those time slots!!! My hubby travels...and comes only on weekends...Hubby dear is a really a nice man...not as interesting and smooth talker like my Affair guy....No wonder, I was attracted!!!

[Owl]

Trust me...once you tell your H and the other guy's wife the truth of what happened...you won't have time nor energy left to focus on why he did what he did.

 

You'll be too busy either trying to fix/save your marriage, or preparing for a new life on your own.

 

That's EXACTLY what you need to be doing right now.

 

When are you going to have this sit down conversation with your husband?

[mishti]

Trust me...once you tell your H and the other guy's wife the truth of what happened...you won't have time nor energy left to focus on why he did what he did.

 

You'll be too busy either trying to fix/save your marriage, or preparing for a new life on your own.

 

That's EXACTLY what you need to be doing right now.

 

When are you going to have this sit down conversation with your husband?

 

I really don't want to involve my husband and make him lose trust!! Its painful for me right now, but once i tell my hubby...he will be shocked and in pain for the rest of his life...I just do not want to ruin this for him and for our family.... I admit it was a mistake...and as you guys have pointed, it has become my habit and I am living a fantasy..its not love...

 

I just need time...some support...cry out loud and get over the fact that I was fooled by someone..who broke my trust... I need to just confess...n register n act!!

[Owl]

I really don't want to involve my husband and make him lose trust!! Its painful for me right now, but once i tell my hubby...he will be shocked and in pain for the rest of his life...I just do not want to ruin this for him and for our family.... I admit it was a mistake...and as you guys have pointed, it has become my habit and I am living a fantasy..its not love...

 

I just need time...some support...cry out loud and get over the fact that I was fooled by someone..who broke my trust... I need to just confess...n register n act!!

 

I am providing you support.

 

I'm telling you the best possible course to work through this entire issue.

 

Here's where you're losing sight of the big picture. Your H SHOULDN'T keep his trust in you. You've destroyed that with your actions. At this point...you're not trustworthy. He needs to know that. By witholding this information from him, you're keeping him involved and supporting you under the premise of a lie.

 

You need to confess...to the person you wronged. You need to clear the air, and focus on fixing the damage you created by having the affair. Telling him isn't the source of the damage...the actual cheating is/was.

 

NO ONE can do anything to help you until you take action to balance the scales.

 

Your H is ALREADY INVOLVED...BECAUSE HE IS YOUR HUSBAND.

 

Once you tell him...you're actually freeing him to make choices based on ALL of the information he needs to have. You're not hurting him...you did that already, but he just doesn't know it yet.

 

Please realize...I'm telling you this from my experience....from having been in your H's shoes.

 

Tell him. Then work TOGETHER to ensure the affair is over and start repairing and rebuilding your marriage.

[LifesontheUp]

I really don't want to involve my husband and make him lose trust!! Its painful for me right now, but once i tell my hubby...he will be shocked and in pain for the rest of his life...I just do not want to ruin this for him and for our family.... I admit it was a mistake...and as you guys have pointed, it has become my habit and I am living a fantasy..its not love...

 

I just need time...some support...cry out loud and get over the fact that I was fooled by someone..who broke my trust... I need to just confess...n register n act!!

 

This is really selfish thinking.

 

What about your husband? Where does he figure in this? Or is he just second choice because your fantasy didn't work out?

[mishti]

Appreciate your advice a lot OWL...

 

but what if my hubby is not the forgiving types...What if this whole thing ends in a divorce....what happens to my kid?

Also, the other man (Affair guy) was actually a cheat...I mean he himself was not true to me....he had good tym and dumped me...

 

I have to be selfish here...I mean I know I was used...I know I Love this new guy and he dumped me...as it is I have lost my own trusting and judging capacity...I won't be able to even trust a decent and real compliment ever...(thanks to tons of fake compliments this freak showered))..and if my hubby knows this...he will not trust me......I will end up losing my marriage...and even if he tries to work it with me...will he ever look at me the same way....i mean will he ever trust me again? All my good male friends will be always looked on with doubt,.....

 

too hard for me to confess this to my hubby.... and that too for the other man who did never cared!!!

 

I had a happy n successful marriage from past 10 years....this fantasy was like 7 months!! I fell of the wagon....but now I m trying to work on it...I always said...My affair was never a substitue for my marriage....

Edited February 27, 2012 by mishti

[Owl]

Appreciate your advice a lot OWL...

 

but what if my hubby is not the forgiving types...What if this whole thing ends in a divorce....what happens to my kid?

Also, the other man (Affair guy) was actually a cheat...I mean he himself was not true to me....he had good tym and dumped me...

 

I have to be selfish here...I mean I know I was used...I know I Love this new guy and he dumped me...as it is I have lost my own trusting and judging capacity...I won't be able to even trust a decent and real compliment ever...(thanks to tons of fake compliments this freak showered))..and if my hubby knows this...he will not trust me......I will end up losing my marriage...and even if he tries to work it with me...will he ever look at me the same way....i mean will he ever trust me again? All my good male friends will be always looked on with doubt,.....

 

too hard for me to confess this to my hubby.... and that too for the other man who did never cared!!!

 

Does your husband DESERVE to know the truth?

 

Your kid will be taken care of regardless of what happens between you and your H. Child support/etc...is all external and seperate and has nothing to do with the reasons for divorce.

 

IF that's what your H decides to do.

 

You keep saying that you might lose your marriage...I'm going to ask you...do you think that you deserve to keep your marriage after what you've done to it? Do you truly think it's fair to keep your marriage by forcing your H to stay based on the LIE that you've been faithful, and are a trustworthy mate?

 

It's POSSIBLE to rebuild trust after infidelity. It's not easy, it doesn't always happen...but it CAN happen if both parties are willing to put forth the effort needed.

 

You keep focusing on your H not trusting you if he knows about this. Why should he trust you after this....ESPECIALLY if you continue to hide it and deny the truth?

 

You BECOME trustworthy by admitting what you've done, and take steps to rebuild his trust and faith in you over time.

 

And what IF he does decide to divorce you? What's wrong with that? Why shouldn't he? Why should he be forced to live with you under the premise of a lie? Forcing him to do that...that REALLY would make you a less than trustworthy person (In my opinion).

 

Stop focusing on the other guy. He dumped you. It hurts. I get that.

 

Focus on fixing the damage that YOU have done. It'll take the focus off the 'other' relationship.

[stillafool]

I am providing you support.

 

I'm telling you the best possible course to work through this entire issue.

 

Here's where you're losing sight of the big picture. Your H SHOULDN'T keep his trust in you. You've destroyed that with your actions. At this point...you're not trustworthy. He needs to know that. By witholding this information from him, you're keeping him involved and supporting you under the premise of a lie.

 

You need to confess...to the person you wronged. You need to clear the air, and focus on fixing the damage you created by having the affair. Telling him isn't the source of the damage...the actual cheating is/was.

 

NO ONE can do anything to help you until you take action to balance the scales.

 

Your H is ALREADY INVOLVED...BECAUSE HE IS YOUR HUSBAND.

 

Once you tell him...you're actually freeing him to make choices based on ALL of the information he needs to have. You're not hurting him...you did that already, but he just doesn't know it yet.

 

Please realize...I'm telling you this from my experience....from having been in your H's shoes.

 

Tell him. Then work TOGETHER to ensure the affair is over and start repairing and rebuilding your marriage.

 

So true and to add to that- you are still pinning for your AP and fantazising about him. Your husband probably senses that something is off and can't quite put his finger on it. Are you in love with your husband? If not you need to deal with that. It seems to me that you are in love with your AP.

[Rita86]

So you were "happily married for 10 years" and you still went out to cheat.... ok

[alexandria35]

Appreciate your advice a lot OWL...

 

but what if my hubby is not the forgiving types...What if this whole thing ends in a divorce....what happens to my kid?

Also, the other man (Affair guy) was actually a cheat...I mean he himself was not true to me....he had good tym and dumped me...

 

I have to be selfish here...I mean I know I was used...I know I Love this new guy and he dumped me...as it is I have lost my own trusting and judging capacity...I won't be able to even trust a decent and real compliment ever...(thanks to tons of fake compliments this freak showered))..and if my hubby knows this...he will not trust me......I will end up losing my marriage...and even if he tries to work it with me...will he ever look at me the same way....i mean will he ever trust me again? All my good male friends will be always looked on with doubt,.....

 

too hard for me to confess this to my hubby.... and that too for the other man who did never cared!!!

 

I had a happy n successful marriage from past 10 years....this fantasy was like 7 months!! I fell of the wagon....but now I m trying to work on it...I always said...My affair was never a substitue for my marriage....

 

Yes you have mentioned a couple of times now that the affair guy was not true to you but you were true to him. How were you true to him? Did you stop sleeping with your husband and tell him your affair guy was your one true love? I don't think you are being honest with yourself about your role because you want to feel like a victim. Anyone who is in an active marriage and carrying on with someone else on the side is a cheat and a liar.

[frozensprouts]

I'' tell you the same thing I tell my kids...don't trust someone you "meet" online. It's no different than trusting a stranger who just comes up to you on the street and starts talking to you...you would probably think they are weird and not talk to them...why is online any different?

 

But I guess now, for you, the damage has already been done.

 

It's time to start thinking with your head instead of your heart.

 

It sounds like you don't really love this 'man", what you are n love with is the fantasy you have built up around him...now that fantasy is in pieces at your feet, and you need to realize that the whole thing has been just that... a fantasy ( i.e.-a lie).

 

you need to tell your husband about this for many reasons, some practical, some simply because it's the right thing to do...

 

Reasons:

(a) you don't really know this guy. you really know little about him, and you have no idea what he could do next. He could go away quietly, or he could turn into a real problem for you. i've heard of women 'meeting" a guy online, they have a very brief affair, she disappears, only to show up a short time later looking for money, etc. ( don't know if that really happens or not, but it could)

 

(b) this guy's wife may find out what he has been doing, and may well decide to "spill the beans" to your husband...do you really want him to find out this way?

 

©this guy may have a habit of doing this, and he may have had "honeymoons" with many other women...he may well have picked up an STD which you may have caught and could pass on to your husband ( and please don't say " but we were careful!" - you can still get an STD no matter how "careful" you may be

 

(f) he may find out some other way...wouldn't you rather he find out from you?

 

(e)you seem to be "pining" for this other guy. your husband's going to know something is up..he may stat thinking he's the one who's causing you to be upset...do you want that?

 

(f) lastly ( and perhaps, most importantly) don't you feel it's important to be honest with your husband?

 

forget about "online guy" and why he does what he does, and start worrying about yourself, your husband, your kids and your marraige

[bentnotbroken]

Appreciate your advice a lot OWL...

 

but what if my hubby is not the forgiving types...What if this whole thing ends in a divorce....what happens to my kid?

Also, the other man (Affair guy) was actually a cheat...I mean he himself was not true to me....he had good tym and dumped me...

 

I have to be selfish here...I mean I know I was used...I know I Love this new guy and he dumped me...as it is I have lost my own trusting and judging capacity...I won't be able to even trust a decent and real compliment ever...(thanks to tons of fake compliments this freak showered))..and if my hubby knows this...he will not trust me......I will end up losing my marriage...and even if he tries to work it with me...will he ever look at me the same way....i mean will he ever trust me again? All my good male friends will be always looked on with doubt,.....

 

too hard for me to confess this to my hubby.... and that too for the other man who did never cared!!!

 

I had a happy n successful marriage from past 10 years....this fantasy was like 7 months!! I fell of the wagon....but now I m trying to work on it...I always said...My affair was never a substitue for my marriage....

 

:confused:This implies that you have done this before. Falling off a wagon means you have an issue that you lack control over (alcoholism, gambling, drugs, abuse, sex). Is this why you don't want your husband to know, because he has dealt with this before?

[18Years2Late]

Everyone has had some constructive things to say...

 

Of all of Sprouts reasons to tell "b" is most likely to happen...his W will find out and will move mountains to expose u to your H...think about what your H will do if that happens...it could b worse than if u told him...I didn't tell bc I am not hoping to save my M...if my H finds out...he finds out...but u sound like u really care about your M...so maybe you should do differently...

 

As far as u pinning for the xOM...that's normal and expected and it will take u some time to get past that...stop wondering why he did this and why he did that...it doesn't matter...all that matters is he dud u a favor...grieve and move on...

 

Talk to your H about your needs...he's working to support u and your child and prob does well since you're a SAHM...being away from your S more than you're together sucks and is detrimental to a M...if he has no other options for work...than u need to decide if staying M to him is worth it to you...is this M and his traveling making u happy...obviously not...it wouldn't surprise me if your H was getting a little on the side too...being away that much...I'm sure he's lonely and has needs as well...if u really just felt like your xOM was a FWB kind of situation...talk to H about that...about having an open M while he's away...just a thought...

[East7]

What bugs me most was with whatever relation I had with him (with restrictions, timings) I was true to him...I never said marry me...or gave him any trouble....I was pretty much like friend with benefits...I always knew he was NOT a SUBSTITUTE for my Marriage...

 

Ok so why are you then complaining that he stopped your relationship. You were offering him an affair and that what he was offering you. Now he doens't want the Affair anymore. You were true to him? then what ?

 

I really don't know what do I do in those time slots!!! My hubby travels...and comes only on weekends...Hubby dear is a really a nice man...not as interesting and smooth talker like my Affair guy....No wonder, I was attracted!!!

 

You were first of all deadly BORED. You were excited by his friendship request, enjoyed his attention and found a new hobby, a lover.

 

Didn't you ask yourself for a second why is that a stanger from another continent would fall in love with a married woman and shower her with compliments ?

He might be someone living not far from you and fishing other women that he finds cute on his buddies FB friend list.

 

but what if my hubby is not the forgiving types...What if this whole thing ends in a divorce....what happens to my kid?

 

Why didn't you think about that when you spent your 5 days of honeymoon with the MM ? It is easier to sweep it under the rug, isn't it ?

 

Also, the other man (Affair guy) was actually a cheat...I mean he himself was not true to me....he had good tym and dumped me...

 

I have to be selfish here...I mean I know I was used...I know I Love this new guy and he dumped me...

 

Someone can explain me why all the MW feel betrayed, used and dumped ? They want to stay married but they feel betrayed ? They want to have sex without strings attached but then they feel used? They don't want to be with their OM/MM but they feel dumped?

 

OP, that's what you signed for : you knew you were not going to divorce, you knew this guy was married, you knew all you had was an A. What did you expect ? Your lover was not "with you" to begin with, so he didn't dump you.

 

You are not grieving this guy. You are grieving the attention and thrill he gave you.

 

I had a happy n successful marriage from past 10 years....this fantasy was like 7 months!! I fell of the wagon....but now I m trying to work on it...I always said...My affair was never a substitue for my marriage....

 

You were just bored and looking for variety.

 

I don't know how you love your H, but when you really love someone you don't cheat.

Edited February 27, 2012 by East7