Jump to content

She's back...


Recommended Posts

Ok so those of you that have follow my story will get this...the psycho B$@@"h has found a way to contact me again...she is OBSESSED with getting me to tell her if I broke it off with xMM or if he broke it off with me...and I just don't get why that matters at this point...and I'm not going to tell her... I'm hoping you all will shed some light on it for me...so I wrote this last night but didn't send it...just venting...I would never send it but I was feeling down yesterday and she caught me at a bad time...So here it is...

 

So I need get something straight in my weak and feeble mind bc it just doesn't compute...try to follow me here. It might get confusing.

 

The fact the HE willingly stuck his d**k into another woman's p***y many, many times on several different occasions AND professed his undying love for and future commitment to another woman for almost 1-1/2 years, including (but not limited to) 2 time periods after he got caught the 1st, 2nd AND 3rd time, is 100% ok and acceptable to you *BUT* (stay with me) only as long as he was the dumper and not the dumpee...EVEN THOUGH if we pretend for a second he was the dumper, he ONLY dumped after being caught by you and in grave danger of losing full-time life with his kids. Well, aren't u glad u caught him??? Wow...good save...

 

Did I miss anything??? Am I following your logic appropriately??? Cause I'm having trouble digesting that myself and I really don't give a shyte. He's not my problem anymore. Are you hearing yourself??? Does any of that make sense to you??? Why the f**k does the dumpee matter to you??? I mean to me that's an extremely INSIGNIFICANT piece of information in my eyes. Anything I have to say to you should be extremely insignificant to you in that grand scheme of things I so eloquently outlined for you above. What do you think???

 

Just make a god dam decision already woman. I'm sooooooooo god damned tired of dealing with your random psycho crap. This is sooooooooo ridiculous and getting you no where. Make a f**kin decision with all the info you have right now, today. What I say or don't say makes NO DIFFERENCE!!!!!

 

Thoughts?

Link to post
Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers

Don't get involved with married men, and you won't have to deal with their reams of baggage, including their "crazy" spouses.

 

Being cheated on triggers so many survival instincts and painful reactions that it takes months or even years for people to feel normal again.

 

Expect this to take some time and don't feed into it. Answer her questions without demeaning her OR simply don't respond at all if you want it to end quicker.

 

Not because she's 'the BS' and you're 'the OW.' but because your behavior was injurious to someone else and it's all part of the package that comes with it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Vent away! So many things about affairs suck, there is plenty to vent about.

 

But when it comes to actually responding, I think the advice to either not respond or respond simply and to the point is good advice. I'm not sure how long ago your last d-day was, but with a 1.5 yr affair, there must be a lot of betrayal and lies to deal with. I suspect complete healing takes even longer than the duration of the affair, but hopefully you won't remain a focus throughout that long process.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Ok so those of you that have follow my story will get this...the psycho B$@@"h has found a way to contact me again...she is OBSESSED with getting me to tell her if I broke it off with xMM or if he broke it off with me...and I just don't get why that matters at this point...and I'm not going to tell her... I'm hoping you all will shed some light on it for me...so I wrote this last night but didn't send it...just venting...I would never send it but I was feeling down yesterday and she caught me at a bad time...So here it is...

 

So I need get something straight in my weak and feeble mind bc it just doesn't compute...try to follow me here. It might get confusing.

 

The fact the HE willingly stuck his d**k into another woman's p***y many, many times on several different occasions AND professed his undying love for and future commitment to another woman for almost 1-1/2 years, including (but not limited to) 2 time periods after he got caught the 1st, 2nd AND 3rd time, is 100% ok and acceptable to you *BUT* (stay with me) only as long as he was the dumper and not the dumpee...EVEN THOUGH if we pretend for a second he was the dumper, he ONLY dumped after being caught by you and in grave danger of losing full-time life with his kids. Well, aren't u glad u caught him??? Wow...good save...

 

Did I miss anything??? Am I following your logic appropriately??? Cause I'm having trouble digesting that myself and I really don't give a shyte. He's not my problem anymore. Are you hearing yourself??? Does any of that make sense to you??? Why the f**k does the dumpee matter to you??? I mean to me that's an extremely INSIGNIFICANT piece of information in my eyes. Anything I have to say to you should be extremely insignificant to you in that grand scheme of things I so eloquently outlined for you above. What do you think???

 

Just make a god dam decision already woman. I'm sooooooooo god damned tired of dealing with your random psycho crap. This is sooooooooo ridiculous and getting you no where. Make a f**kin decision with all the info you have right now, today. What I say or don't say makes NO DIFFERENCE!!!!!

 

Thoughts?

 

He's probably found another OW by now... And she's suspicious.

 

She probably thinks its you again. But if it's not - it may be useful to tell her that it ended when it ended - and you are not her source to gain more info.

 

She can ask her husband for the answers she's seeking.

 

That ought to send her a clear message and shut it down.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now

Dear 18.......

 

Tell her It's not me anymore", maybe it's his New OW!!!

 

She should leave you alone then; and focus her bad behavior on her husband.

 

Does that make sense???

Link to post
Share on other sites

Ok, I may be dense, but.....why not just answer her question?

 

You don't think he went home and gaslighted her about a 1.5 year affair?

 

You don't think that is completely crazy-making?

 

My H swore to me he broke up with her. Not sure I EVER believed that, but since she never returned my calls, I guess I'll never know.

 

The farther away we got from dday, the more he tried to re-write the affair.

 

Very similiar to how he had to rewrite the marriage to engage in the affair, he did the same thing to the affair.

 

Except, I didn't buy it. I had a huge paper trail and I called him out on it everytime. I was desperately trying to balance my love for him with deciding if I wanted to have a future with him.

 

I needed the leopard to change his spots to proceed and that meant being accountable and honest with his actions.

 

So she doesn't have enough of a paper trail, or she does not believe his minimizing of all things related to you.

 

So, from this perspective, why not answer her phone call?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I just have to wonder... what did she say to you in her e-mail to make you want to respond in such a scathing, hateful way? And can't you understand her rancor? And, as others have said, why don't you just simply answer the question? :confused:

Link to post
Share on other sites

Maybe you could try to see why she is asking the question. It's possible she wants to know so that she can determine if he is staying with her for the right reasons. She may feel if you broke up with him, he is staying because he has no place else to go. If he broke up with you, she may see it as a sign that he truly wants to be with her.

 

You are asking her (in your email that you did not send) why she cares about you. I don't see her question to you as her caring what you say. I see is as her questioning her H's motivation for staying. I'm not sure why you consider her psycho for wanting to know the truth. How can she make a decision if she isn't sure what the truth is?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Although 18's response was very harsh - she didn't send it, it was only a venting response.

 

I agree with those that said either reply with a straight answer or ignore the whole thing.

 

but, I also think that 18's response maybe comes from the thought of "well, you're choosing to keep him after he got caught 3 times, so, if you're doing that, you're making a choice to trust him again, or turn a blind eye to his shady ways, so why not just ask him the question yourself and leave 18 out of it"

 

I think 18's response shows a tremendous amount of hurt, and although she definitely had a part in all this - so did the WS and the BS(if she's taken him back after all those cheats - she enabled his behavior).

 

I feel sorry for both women.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Maybe you could try to see why she is asking the question. It's possible she wants to know so that she can determine if he is staying with her for the right reasons. She may feel if you broke up with him, he is staying because he has no place else to go. If he broke up with you, she may see it as a sign that he truly wants to be with her.

 

You are asking her (in your email that you did not send) why she cares about you. I don't see her question to you as her caring what you say. I see is as her questioning her H's motivation for staying. I'm not sure why you consider her psycho for wanting to know the truth. How can she make a decision if she isn't sure what the truth is?

 

 

I totally agree with what you said.

 

I wonder though, how much can she trust 18's reply.

Say 18 said "oh yeah, I dumped him and he went running to you" - would she really believe that, or would she think "hmmm, that hussy is tryina ruin things more between us!!"

Link to post
Share on other sites
I don't get why the answer if so unimportant can't or won't be answered.

 

I don't think its the answer at all, I think its the mentality of "well, you took him back - trust him then! he's your problem"

 

and I do believe it is coming from a place where there is resentment that the wife kept taking the MM back.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I feel bad for both women, too :(

 

18, you could have some compassion. She probably took him back for the same reasons he stayed--desperation to keep the family together. She isn't the one who involved you in their messy situation.

 

I don't think its the answer at all, I think its the mentality of "well, you took him back - trust him then! he's your problem"

 

and I do believe it is coming from a place where there is resentment that the wife kept taking the MM back.

 

Resenting the wife for taking him back?

 

That's something I never considered. Interesting thought....

Link to post
Share on other sites
What right does she have to resent the wife? Maybe she should resent the MM for treating both women like dog doo.

 

I completely agree that if there is resentment it SHOULD be towards the MM. But from what was said in the never sent email, the reasons listed for the MM staying (although completely untrue as they may be) tell me, at least, that 18 resents the wife.

 

I'm not saying its logical or right, but maybe that's how she feels.

 

Again, that is just my guess, I'm not saying she feels that way for sure.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I feel bad for both women, too :(

 

18, you could have some compassion. She probably took him back for the same reasons he stayed--desperation to keep the family together. She isn't the one who involved you in their messy situation.

 

 

Resenting the wife for taking him back?

 

That's something I never considered. Interesting thought....

 

I do think its possible if not common to resent the person who "won". Because that person stood in the other's happiness, if you can call it that.

 

I've never been in the situation where there was a dday, but I think that if there was, and she took him back, then in my state (back in the time where I loved him), I would be a little resentful, or jealous or something, because she would have "won" (although, looking back now, I see that he is no prize at all).

For me, it would have been an emotion, its not logical, or fair, or justified, but maybe that's how I might have felt if that happened - for a while at least.

 

I dunno. I feel kinda bad saying all these things as my assumption for 18, because I'm not her, and I can't really speak for her or how she feels or should feel.

 

Wouldn't the same be true for a BS, if the MM left for the OW?

(sure, the situation is quite different, but I think the notion of letting something go that you love because of someone else would incite a whole lotta emotions, rational or otherwise)

 

ETA: Also resentment at one person like the BS might happen because its easier than resenting the real person worthy of it.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Although you may not understand why it's important, it is to her so just answer the question.

 

Being betrayed makes one feel this need to know details that most consider unimportant, however it can be a part of the healing process.

 

Please don't send such a hateful and cruel note back. Take the high road, answer back that you're so sorry for her pain and answer her question.

 

It's the least you can do to help ease the pain that you were involved in causing.

 

"The fact the HE willingly stuck his d**k into another woman's p***y many, many times on several different occasions AND professed his undying love for and future commitment to another woman for almost 1-1/2 years, including (but not limited to) 2 time periods after he got caught the 1st, 2nd AND 3rd time, is 100% ok and acceptable to you"

 

Who says it's acceptable? Perhaps she's still working on whether she wants to reconcile or not and gathering as much information as she can might help her with that decision.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

The fact the HE willingly stuck his d**k into another woman's p***y many, many times on several different occasions

 

And that ladies and gentleman, is what affairs are all about to men.....and this

 

AND professed his undying love for and future commitment to another woman for almost 1-1/2 years

 

is only used to get the the first.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

I think, somehow, this BS is hanging onto the shred of hope that if her husband left the affair of his own accord, that it means he really wants her and values his marriage, as opposed to someone who would still be banging the OW if the OW hadn't thrown him out. That's a small shred of hope given what all transpired and the length of it, but it seems to mean something to her, and right now she is trying to find out his intentions on saving his marriage. If she knew he left the affair of his own accord, that would mean something to her. I think you should tell her if he left, or was he dumped by you, and why. She seems to need that information in order to move on and progress with the reconciliation. It would be a kindness on your part to give her that information, since she seems to need it to process and get past the affair in order to reconcile. I know that sounds crazy as to why that would matter to her, but when her whole world is torn apart, and her marriage is hanging on by a thread, people sometimes try to hang onto a small shred of evidence that the WS really does still want her and the marriage.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
I don't really get giving the BS a smackdown for taking her OWN HUSBAND back 3 times. Didn't the OW do the same thing after each d-day?

 

This is a good point and something for 18 to think about. Who is it she's truly mad at? exMM's wife or at herself? Maybe she's mad the exMM after 3 times choose to go back home..

 

Either way, 18, I hope you find peace soon and are able to find forgiveness for everybody, including you! Your life has to begin without the yucky and hurt feelings, it's time to do your best to let go and move on. Change your email address if you haven't already this way they (who's to say it's his BS and not him) can't contact you anymore.

 

Book a weekend with some woman friends and go to a spa, have a fun time! You need to focus on positives in your life now.

Link to post
Share on other sites

18 BTW, as far as the dumper/dumpee question goes, without reading your entire history, IMHO knowing this helps her determine 2 things.

 

1. Your future availability to him.

2. Whether or not she has the upper hand in dealing with him.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Thoughts?

 

 

Continue to vent. If that helps you deal with what's happening go for it.

 

The wife is looking for closure possibly from you. She might need to hear that you are insignificant to him and that will make her feel valued. I still don't understand how this woman keeps tracking you down. You guys must have a person whose connected to the both of you.

 

If you want nothing to do with them anymore I would advise keeping a really low profile. If you want this situation to go away you can also give her the closure she needs. The choice is yours. Good luck to you. I hope no more drama comes your way.

Link to post
Share on other sites
18 BTW, as far as the dumper/dumpee question goes, without reading your entire history, IMHO knowing this helps her determine 2 things.

 

1. Your future availability to him.

2. Whether or not she has the upper hand in dealing with him.

 

I do have to ask 18, if he left his wife (either by his own choice or if he was kicked out) would you take him back? Start fresh? Just curious..:)

Link to post
Share on other sites

[quote

 

The fact the HE willingly stuck his d**k into another woman's p***y many, many times on several different occasions AND professed his undying love for and future commitment to another woman for almost 1-1/2 years, including (but not limited to) 2 time periods after he got caught the 1st, 2nd AND 3rd time, is 100% ok and acceptable to you *BUT* (stay with me) only as long as he was the dumper and not the dumpee...

 

Just make a god dam decision already woman. I'm sooooooooo god damned tired of dealing with your random psycho crap. This is sooooooooo ridiculous and getting you no where. Make a f**kin decision with all the info you have right now, today. What I say or don't say makes NO DIFFERENCE!!!!!

 

Thoughts?

Am I misunderstanding something here? He got caught 1st time, you took him back helping him sneak around behind his wife's back, got caught 2nd time, you took him back and again enabled him to sneak around. Then he gets caught third time and finally gets the message.

 

Now you cannot see how you too were trapped in his manipulation? You were not married to the man, had no children,past or home with him. Did you ever ask yourself why you stuck around?

 

As for his undying love talk. That was the infatuation stage talking. If he really loved you it would not have taken him 3x yo get caught to stop. As for he kids excuse. that is BS!!!! If he pays child support he will have access to his kids. If he was so concerned about his kids, why was he taking precious time away from them to have an affair?

 

I gather most people who have affairs and separate spend more time with their kids AFTER they divorce than during the affair.

 

I keep hearing everyone talking about the fact MM won't get to see his kids much if he divorces. But has anyone actually seen this happen in real life? Most divorced parents share custody unless father is dead-beat or drug addict. But cheating on their mother, bringing toxicity,chaos and drama into home is ok to do to those precious kids to love so much.

 

I forget, what is the excuse married women use as to not leaving husband? I guess they use the "kid" excuse too. Poor kids, they are being held responsible from keeping WS from being with their soulmate. too sad.

 

Meanwhile the truth is WS likes the security of home and the romance of the affair. he knows once the mistress becomes the wife, it will leave a vacancy for another mistress, as real life cannot sustain all that romance a part time affair can.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

18yrs

 

 

If I remember your story correctly you have had several contacts with the wife in this situation.

 

 

I agree with other poster's assessment that the wife is trying to gauge the sincerity of her husband regarding their reconciliation. He apparently told her HE ended it with you and she wants to know if it is true or not. Whether or not you think that should be her focus, it matters to her.

 

You could answer her question.

 

But you certainly don't have to.

 

If you don't want to have any further contact with her just ignore it. You can't control what she does as long as she is acting within the law.

 

You can only control yourself. If you don't want to answer her then don't.

 

But really, I am pretty sure that it is not 100% acceptable to her that her husband had sex with you. I am pretty sure that none of this is ok to her. In fact, if it was ok with her, you would not still be dealing with the fallout now.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...