LuckyStar Posted January 15, 2004 Share Posted January 15, 2004 just a little history of where i am in my situation, i was involved with a married man and after visiting this site i gradually stopped being intimate in Sept '03 and haven't slept with him since. If it wasn't for this site i probably would have drifted back and forth due to the fact, this is a difficult subject to discuss with others. In the beginning, i tried to cut him off, not call, not have any contact, however, after a few days he called and we've minimized our contact to just calling and we've probably met (in a public place) briefly approx. 5-7 times in the last 4 months. He's expressed that he has strong feelings for me and calls me everyday, just out of concern, to see how I'm doing and we don't spend hours on the phone it's usually for a couple of minutes but because he calls every day or every other day, I'm trying my best to get over him therefore, I do not call him other than if he leaves a message and I would just return his call, however, I just want to move on from the situation and would like some advice on a realistic way of doing it. Changing my telephone number/cell number is something I will not consider because I am not in a financial situation to do that. I don't have caller id. Overall, I don't want to be childish about the situation, and i don't want to be rude but I'm at the point where i'm sick and tired of being in this situation. I've learned one thing, never to get involved with a married man, it's not worth it. In regards to the telephone calls and him wanting to see me, I would really like for it to stop, so i can move on, any advice on 1. What can I say to him? and 2. After expressing that I want him to stop calling me and he calls me what action do I take? Help!!! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 15, 2004 Share Posted January 15, 2004 Do you have or can you purchase a 'call block' option on your line? Otherwise, let your machine pick up every call and don't return his calls. Eventually, he should quit. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 15, 2004 Share Posted January 15, 2004 1. Tell him that if he doesn't leave you alone, to allow you to recover from the emotionally damaging strain that you've put on him, you will reveal the existence and nature, if not the details, of your three-year affair to his wife. 2. Do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuckyStar Posted January 15, 2004 Author Share Posted January 15, 2004 moimeme, please explain what a call block is. I like the idea of not picking up the phone, but if by chance I happen to answer the phone and it's him ????? Realistically, not to pick up the phone is impossible, I live with my daughter and we both pick up the phone, if she noticed me not picking up the phone she would question my actions and I don't believe I have a valid explanation. If and when he does call, and she answers, she would give me the phone, I don't want to have to explain to a young child if "so and so" call, I don't want to speak to him. I would rather handle the situation in another way. dyermaker, I would never tell his wife of the affair. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 15, 2004 Share Posted January 15, 2004 With call block you can program in a number that you do not want to receive calls from. Some companies offer that service for a small extra fee. Link to post Share on other sites
HurtinginVA Posted January 15, 2004 Share Posted January 15, 2004 Changing my telephone number/cell number is something I will not consider because I am not in a financial situation to do that. Check with your phone companies, I say this because my H changed his cell last month and all it took was a phone call, there was no extra charge or anything and it took effect immediately. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted January 15, 2004 Share Posted January 15, 2004 It IS hard LuckyStar..... It's one thing to break up with someone when one party isn't 'speaking words of love' anymore. It's quite different when he is still telling you how DEEPLY he feels. And he may. He just doesn't feel DEEPLY enough to get a divorce. They are such AssClowns! Anyway, the easiest thing you can do is simply say "I love you too much to share you with someone else.". Remind him that someone else legally signing his name, sharing his name on a mailbox, going on vacation with him, being a part of his family gatherings, being his WIFE....is something you can no longer live with. For your own sanity....you've got to move on. What can he really say to that? Sure....he'll get a divorce ONE DAY! Tell him you'll reconsider once he shows up with the final papers. Till then....it's over. Now, this will be the hard part. Walking away isn't as easy as one would think. You'll miss him greatly. However, if you are sharing him....you don't really have him anyway. The only person he is making more miserable than you....is his wife. Running between two women does not make him a 'nice guy'....it makes him a LIAR. Refuse to be a codependent to his foolishness. Dwell on those thoughts....till you get mad enough....to stay away from him. ..ps: read some of my friend's 'HurtinginVA' post.....understanding the other side will make you stronger..... Link to post Share on other sites
kkat Posted January 15, 2004 Share Posted January 15, 2004 First of all, congrats to you and hopefully some of your strength will rub off on me and others. Regarding options: 1. If you told him firmly, clearly, directly, that you would ask him to never call you again do you think he would respect this? 2. Call blocking is a service that allows you to block specific numbers from calling you. So, for example, you could block his home, work and cell numbers from your phone. This would certainly send him a strong message if he did call, and would mean that if he called from any of those numbers the call wouldn't reach you. If he uses a pay phone, calling card, or someone else's phone of course he can still reach you. Call your phone company and just ask them if they offer this service and how it works, how much it costs. Then decide if you can afford it. By the way, most likely you'd be able to cancel it after a few months because after a while he'd give up -- so it's not like you'd have to pay for it forever. I think a combination of the two above tactics might work. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuckyStar Posted January 15, 2004 Author Share Posted January 15, 2004 Kkat, the only thing that I made clear to him was we were never going to be intimate again and i try not to entertain conversations of a sexual nature. Therefore, I need to take your advice regarding being firm and requesting that he stop calling. I believe he would respect my request. For one thing, he has told me, if he sees that I am brushing him off, he will get the message and leave me alone but after awhile he has the potential of getting in contact with me out of concern. I will look into the call blocking. Arabess, It's virtually impossible for me to get really, really mad over the situation, due to fact that I am now thinking with my head and not my heart, I just need to get a lot of strength and courage to face the situation head on regarding the continuation of our friendship. I fault myself, because I couldn't get the courage to brush him off and although I told him once never to call again, and I really tried not to accept his calls but I failed and now I'm back to the drawing board. I was concentrating so much on not being intimate and putting up a resistance. Now I have to break off the friendship. It's not easy, and i don't want to make any excuses for the situation i'm in. Just like today, I heard my home phone ringing and since I was home alone, I decided to let the answering machine pick it up, later on my cell rang and I was able to see that he was calling from home and I did not answer, when I later retrieved the message, he stated he was calling to see how i was doing and how the weather was treating me. Now, this is where i had enough. I don't mind someone calling me once in a blue moon but if we're not in a relationship, I don't like someone calling me every day, unless it's my mother. I fault myself again, because I should tell him, I don't want to be bothered anymore. I just would like to say, that this website has helped me so much, my goal for this year is to terminate my friendship with this married man and I appreciate u guys helping me in achieving this goal! Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuckyStar Posted January 15, 2004 Author Share Posted January 15, 2004 ps: read some of my friend's 'HurtinginVA' post.....understanding the other side will make you stronger..... Arabess, I did a search to try to understand your post script above, however, it is somewhat difficult to follow the threads to get a full understanding of Hurtinginva's situation. If you are referring to the otherside, meaning the wife's side, I've been on that side of the fence. If you're referring to something else please let me know. I was once hurt by my husband having an affair with another woman. In the interim, she got pregnant and I wanted to reconcil my marriage and he continued to cheat with the other woman and I confronted the two of them and packed my bags and left with my daughter. It's been approx. 6 years, i never looked back, never would be able to trust him, however, we get along for my daughter's sake. We haven't divorced and could only imagine what he tells the other woman . Divorcing him is something I will get around to doing. Leaving him was not easy but was the best thing that ever happened, I became focused until I got myself caught up in a love triangle, waiting to get out. Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted January 15, 2004 Share Posted January 15, 2004 in some places, phone companies will enable phone block for free if you are experiencing harassment calls. i have blocked telemarketers and a ex this way before. if you have his email address, simply write him a curt note saying you have nothing further to say to him, and you are requesting, in writing, that he not contact you again. keep a record of this email, or, better yet, send it by mail. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted January 16, 2004 Share Posted January 16, 2004 .....[color=red]sending you all my strength and vision for a day when you will have a special man who belongs just to you....hang in there my friend..... [/color] Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuckyStar Posted January 21, 2004 Author Share Posted January 21, 2004 It's almost a week and shortly after i posted, we spoke and he sensed something was bothering me and knew that i wanted to end the relationship, actually he guessed what i wanted to talk to him about and expressed that he wanted to hear what i had to say so he stated he would call me back the following day, which he did not. I later found out that he didn't want to deal with what i had to tell him so after two days passed we spoke, i told him firmly not to call me, and I would not tolerate future callings out of concern on his part. I did it!!! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 21, 2004 Share Posted January 21, 2004 Congratulations! Welcome to your new life It's onward and upward from here Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts