Sound advice desperately needed

[sharon]

My leaving my married boyfriend was never at issue. I am waiting for him (looking at 6 months). I am neither looking for acceptance nor condemnation of our relationship. I am needing sound advice on how to handle the wait better and how to be more supportive of him.

 

This is not easy for him. Whether or not I ever came into the picture the end of his marriage was inevitable. It has been dying a slow death for many years. I just was able to show him that he is worthy of love and appreciation. That he, the kids, and even her (his wife) would be better off out of their toxic marriage. That he does not have to be a martyr and stay with a drug/alcohol addicted wife. Coming from personal experience the children will benefit from him taking positive steps and eventually showing them a healthy, loving relationship.

 

He has come a long way since first we met. He was so closed off emotionally. Now he more openly expresses his feelings. This means so much to me. It makes the wait worth it but at the same time that much harder.

 

When we talk all I carry on is about when are we going to be together. I realize that I keep talking about this because I want it so bad. But it's not helping and all I'm doing is frustrating myself and pushing him away. There's got to be a better way to handle this.

 

My best friend tells me to take up hobbies, etc. Which I'll try. I'm also going back to school full time for 18 weeks so that I can change jobs. The new job will not only allow me to help raise the kids later but also it is a job that has more opportunities for work. Also, I realize that being out of work is not helping matters.

 

Sound people will say hogwash to all that I've said .. and while I cannot sit in judgment of others neither can you. Please if anyone has any sound advice on how to handle the wait better and how to be more supportive of him please respond.

[Arabess]

Sharon,

Either he will never leave or he may leave at some point in the future. The end result in these things is always a toss up. How you wait it out depends on how well your nerves are set for the emotional roller coaster of your life. Some people can handle it....some can't. Some handle it....only to find they have wasted years.

 

It's in the 'total unknowing' which you are going to try to combat with finding other things to keep you occupied. I can't think of one thing which will make it easier. It's like a great big cloud over your head all the time. Your heart will tell you he loves you. Your head will tell you - you are an idiot. I don't know how to bring the two together for any quality of life while this guy can't make a decision about the obvious. You'll start wondering why he can't seem to make a decision between YOU - the love of his life and his unhappy, sexless, loveless marriage. It's a REAL ego booster!!!

 

I found it wasn't worth it. I think you can honestly love someone too much to share them with anyone else in ANY capacity. Each 'affair' has it's own story and fabric....each seems special.....but MOST will break your heart in a million pieces.

 

I would suggest meeting some other women (no pun intended...LOL!) to email with in order not to feel so alone. You can meet them in here or on some other support sites designated for people in your position. What you'll find out is....there are SO MANY with similar stories. Most of them are wonderful loving women who follow their heart and not their head. I don't judge it at all.....cause I totally understand.

 

Arabess

[jenny]

Whether or not I ever came into the picture the end of his marriage was inevitable. It has been dying a slow death for many years. I just was able to show him that he is worthy of love and appreciation. That he, the kids, and even her (his wife) would be better off out of their toxic marriage. That he does not have to be a martyr and stay with a drug/alcohol addicted wife. Coming from personal experience the children will benefit from him taking positive steps and eventually showing them a healthy, loving relationship.

 

if you want to avoid judgment, and i understand the desire, it would be a good idea to avoid judging his wife. you may think you are a better wife, and would be a better mother, but your actions thus far have not demonstrated the integrity you claim to be lacking in his wife.

 

i'm not condemning you, at all, but i think setting yourself up as his saviour is delusional at best. love affairs are one thing, but you add to the betrayal by using your precious time with him to be negative about his wife, family, or marriage.

 

to tell you the truth, i don't think you'll end up with him; just based on how much you are listening to and parroting every line he is feeding you. but who knows?

 

what is your romantic history? how did you meet this guy? do you really believe he is going to leave his wife for you, against all odds? how do you support that conclusion?

 

finally, why not let the affair just be about pleasure, fun, and erotics? why try to drag him from one suffocating domestic situation to another?

 

so, in answer to your question, you can help the wait by not pressuring him, having more light-hearted fun with him, not saying bad things about his wife, nor listening to them.

 

getting a job, going back to school, all very cool things. maybe you will begin to meet new people and expand your romantic possibilities, as well.

[Arabess]

GREAT POINTS Jenny! I totally agree.

[InLoKo]

Originally posted by sharon

I am neither looking for acceptance nor condemnation of our relationship.

 

If you write your story on a "public" forum, any person reading it is entitled to respond in any way they choose. It is not for you to try to control the responses you get.

 

My advice? Read the 2 responses, above mine, very, very carefully. Then read them again.

[sharon]

Perhaps I worded it wrong. Of course, anyone is entitled to their opinion in a "public" forum. I was simply asking for basic advice is all. I have read and continue to reread all the advice given. I appreciate all of it. It gives me much to think about.

 

Keep the advice coming .. thanks

[Skittles]

.... Your heart will tell you he loves you. Your head will tell you - you are an idiot. I don't know how to bring the two together for any quality of life while this guy can't make a decision about the obvious. You'll start wondering why he can't seem to make a decision between YOU - the love of his life and his unhappy, sexless, loveless marriage....

 

Hi Sharon,

 

Arabess is so good at bringing the internal voice of a triangle to the surface, ain't she?

 

 

Anyway, here you are, closing the barn door after the horse has run out ...(But before I continue, I believe you will get equal amounts of support as well as finger-pointing on this forum so sit tight.)

 

These are great posts, I can't add to the suggestions already given...but I will say this much....Imo, once a mm takes you as his lover, no matter what he says about his horrid wife, leaving his family etc. the process of stepping away from his life...the life that has given him purpose every day, for good or ill, ...the process of ending his life as he knows it to be with you, slows to a painstaking crawl.

 

Why you ask..he loves me, I love him etc...well imo, your married guy has just been given a huge pain killer...YOU!

 

So he is no longer in immediate and chronic emotional pain or in a sexless relationship because you have made his boo -boo go away...His is gone and yours is gonna get bigger ...He wants to keep you happy, but now where is his motivation to leave his marriage and seek a relationship that heals him?

 

If you think like a behaviorist, you will observe that a shift takes place once sex takes place...his motivation to keep it coming and your motivation to gain sole ownership get stuck somewhere in the middle.

 

Ok how does this help me you ask..Well it may help to curb the thought that love will save the day and start thinking about protecting your own interests.. Like finding them elsewhere....bringing us back to the suggestions others made in the posts above.

 

Give up on him? I would not necessarily come straight out and suggest that either, as only you know what is really going on in the triangle... this is your geometry problem.

 

I do know this much and I have said it before..Watch what he does, and give it more weight than what he says....Actions say it all...then steer your ship by it..

 

 

 

 

Good luck with your journey.