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Sex without Intimacy vs. Intimacy without Sex??


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Someone started another thread about missing the "sex and passion" she shared with her xMM. Since I've been having those exact same thoughts lately, I thought I'd start another thread to get input on this that we're both going thru from others.

 

I'm married and 3 months out from my A. It's been really hard but I'm now angry enough, or far removed enough, to know that I don't want him and I'll never let him come back, as much as it hurts. I don't trust him, he's a liar, he's a coward, he's a doormat (I'm not trading in one doormat for another), and if I can't be his 1st choice, I won't be his 2nd. But...I cannot tell a lie...I do LOVE him a lot. But I have for 22+ years. That's not going away. *I've accepted the fact that I can love someone with all my heart and not want to be with them or not be able to be with them and I'm ok with that (today).

 

But...I still long everyday for the intimacy we shared. We had a LDR so sex was a precious *luxury, but we still shared intimacy and "passion" without sex. I guess we were "intimate" because of the closeness we felt in some form of constant communication with each other and "passion" for what we thought we wanted and might get to have one day. I really only miss just that.

 

I'm in what I would consider a sexless marriage at my choice. My H would have sex constantly if we could. For 15 years, we've never had sex more than 2-3x a month. Lately, 1x every 3-4 months. Again my choice. This has nothing to do with the A. It was pre-A. We haven't slept in the same bed for almost 3 years. For 15 years, I agree to sex so he'll stop gripping. Didn't really need or want it (or so I thought).*

 

Since the A, I now realize exactly what I was missing in my M, although I actually realized it long before the A, it just makes more sense now. My H loves me dearly (who knows why?), he's a great father, he does more than his fair share of work around the house, he doesn't go out with his buddies, doesn't drink or smoke, doesn't lie, never cheated (that I know of and I really wouldn't care), never been arrested. So other than being a needy doormat, he's really a good man. All qualities that so many woman are looking for in a man. Even with only 1/2 of those, some women would consider themselves very lucky. *Not me. To me, there's so much missing. A huge gapping hole.

 

Here's the big hairy but...I'm not now and have never been sexually attracted to H (rebound relationship and I got pregnant and got M because it was the "right thing to do"). Yeah...that stupid hindsight again. *For 15 years it's been just sex with H. Just sex. Even before the A, I craved loving someone back. Not being loved, just being able to love someone back. All I wanted was to love someone. The A gave me that. Now that I've had a taste of real "making love" and intimacy without sex, and not just sex without intimacy, I want that back. I don't want the man (xMM) and I don't want sex (ok sometimes I do), hell my H is actually better at the sex part than xMM, I want the intimacy back and to really love someone. What is wrong with me? Anyone else experience this? Would you throw a good man out (so to speak) and risk finding a not so good man, just for love and intimacy? I could so be alone, I'm not saying I'm looking for another man (ever), but I would like to share mutual love with someone.

 

Am I crazy? *Why was I ok with sex just for the sake of sex before but not now? Why now, when I want it more, but just not with who is available to me? How long can a R last without intimacy? I can't do the "just sex" thing any longer.

 

Anyway...I'm just rambling now. Any thoughts? Someone tell me something enlightening please...

 

Thanks...

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Not sure I can give you anything enlightening but... are you sure that its the intimacy your missing?

 

Was this affair with your friend or best friend?

 

How different was your husband to your affair partner? Characteristic.

 

*Gets popcorn*

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Why not get your H in front of a counselor and deal with this issue and figure out the most amicable way to divorce? I think you'll both be far healthier in the long run.

 

To paraphrase what an LS'er once told me, you just don't want to be married to your H anymore. You're saying it differently, but that's the gist of it.

 

I've been with enough MW's who had their 'intimacy' with me and then returned to their M's, some who stayed and some who've divorced. What we shared was perhaps a signpost, but their responsibility was at home to their family, one way or another. And so it is with you. Time to take responsibility and do something. What's your plan?

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Would you throw a good man out (so to speak) and risk finding a not so good man, just for love and intimacy?.

 

 

No matter how "good" a man is, I would not stay with him is there is no love or intimacy. A marriage thrives on intimacy.

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Not sure I can give you anything enlightening but... are you sure that its the intimacy your missing?

 

Was this affair with your friend or best friend?

 

How different was your husband to your affair partner? Characteristic.

 

*Gets popcorn*

 

Hmmm...yes AP was my best friend and BF for 5 years up until 18 years ago...

 

Yes...AP and H are very different in many ways...however with a little distance between me and the A now...AP has really come down off his pedestal and now I see that they are alike in many ways...which is why I don't want xMM (the man) anymore...I just miss the intimacy I had with him (I think?)...their main difference is I just always liked being around/hanging out with xMM...doing whatever...you know when you love someone you just want to be with them all the time doing anything?...I've never had fun or wanted to be around my H...ever...in fact... I make a point of trying to get away from him as much as possible...he's just not a likeable person to be around...hard to explain...but ask any of my former friends...not any left...they have all kind of gone away because they don't want to hang around H...he's dreary and depressing and they don't like the way he treats me in public...so it makes everyone uncomfortable...so...here I am...no friends...no sex...and living with someone I don't love...

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Hmmm...yes AP was my best friend and BF for 5 years up until 18 years ago...

 

Yes...AP and H are very different in many ways...however with a little distance between me and the A now...AP has really come down off his pedestal and now I see that they are alike in many ways...which is why I don't want xMM (the man) anymore...I just miss the intimacy I had with him (I think?)...their main difference is I just always liked being around/hanging out with xMM...doing whatever...you know when you love someone you just want to be with them all the time doing anything?...I've never had fun or wanted to be around my H...ever...in fact... I make a point of trying to get away from him as much as possible...he's just not a likeable person to be around...hard to explain...but ask any of my former friends...not any left...they have all kind of gone away because they don't want to hang around H...he's dreary and depressing and they don't like the way he treats me in public...so it makes everyone uncomfortable...so...here I am...no friends...no sex...and living with someone I don't love...

 

 

I think it's time for me to do a Marry Your Best Friend Thread. It seems so many people are back tracking to someone from their past that they loved. That person was always the best friend, dear friend, a friend.

 

I will say this in all honesty just from your post. It seems like your marriage was over before it began. Everything you have said is grounds for divorce. People divorce on even less than that. Honey your marriage is over. The most important thing which is love you don't even have that to hold onto. If the love was there you had a fighting chance. If you have no love for him you have nothing.

 

Why do you want to save something that is not even worth saving? Are you afraid to be alone? Afraid to hurt him? Afraid to feel like a failure?

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Why not get your H in front of a counselor and deal with this issue and figure out the most amicable way to divorce? I think you'll both be far healthier in the long run.

 

To paraphrase what an LS'er once told me, you just don't want to be married to your H anymore. You're saying it differently, but that's the gist of it.

 

I've been with enough MW's who had their 'intimacy' with me and then returned to their M's, some who stayed and some who've divorced. What we shared was perhaps a signpost, but their responsibility was at home to their family, one way or another. And so it is with you. Time to take responsibility and do something. What's your plan?

 

I am going to see a counselor soon...maybe...idk...I wish I had a plan...but I don't...

 

But as far as me "doing something" and being responsible for my "home"...I am...I'm the sole breadwinner for this family...always have been...always will be...we live a very blessed lifestyle bc of me and my sacrifices and hard work/dedication...I have 3 very happy healthy boys...and everything I do is for them...talk to someone else about being responsible...I just want someone to take care of me for a change...maybe I'll never get that who knows?

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OK, take the same skills and dedication which have served you well as breadwinner and figure this out in a way which respects both your perspective and the sensibilities of your family. You know the drill. Step by step. What's the first step? What is one thing, just one thing, you can do this week to move this forward?

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I think it's time for me to do a Marry Your Best Friend Thread. It seems so many people are back tracking to someone from their past that they loved. That person was always the best friend, dear friend, a friend.

 

I will say this in all honesty just from your post. It seems like your marriage was over before it began. Everything you have said is grounds for divorce. People divorce on even less than that. Honey your marriage is over. The most important thing which is love you don't even have that to hold onto. If the love was there you had a fighting chance. If you have no love for him you have nothing.

 

Why do you want to save something that is not even worth saving? Are you afraid to be alone? Afraid to hurt him? Afraid to feel like a failure?

 

Nope...not afraid at all of being alone...I support 5 people very well now...I can certainly support 4-1/2...

 

I'm afraid of all kinds of things:

Hurting him

Hurting the kids

Him making the kids feel sorry for him (he will do this...he a pro)

Him mooching off of me for the other 1/2 of my life

Him making my life more miserable than it already is via using my kids

 

Idk...lots to think about...but yes...M was over before it started you're right...

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I think it's time for me to do a Marry Your Best Friend Thread. It seems so many people are back tracking to someone from their past that they loved. That person was always the best friend, dear friend, a friend.

 

I will say this in all honesty just from your post. It seems like your marriage was over before it began. Everything you have said is grounds for divorce. People divorce on even less than that. Honey your marriage is over. The most important thing which is love you don't even have that to hold onto. If the love was there you had a fighting chance. If you have no love for him you have nothing.

 

Why do you want to save something that is not even worth saving? Are you afraid to be alone? Afraid to hurt him? Afraid to feel like a failure?

 

Oh almost forgot...you SHOULD marry your best friend...I didn't...in fact I married someone who I wouldn't even be friends with if he were a girl or a co-worker or a neighbor...that's just it...he's not my friend...that's the problem...a spouse should treat you like he/she would treat a friend...but better...

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I'm afraid of all kinds of things:

Hurting him

Hurting the kids

Him making the kids feel sorry for him (he will do this...he a pro)

Him mooching off of me for the other 1/2 of my life

Him making my life more miserable than it already is via using my kids

It doesn't have to be that way. There are innumerable potentials. You and he have complete control over where this goes. You each choose.

 

Your fear is valid. I remember what that was like. I picked one thing I wanted out of the mess and stuck with it. It kept me sane in the maelstrom which ensued. Your 'one thing' is unique to you. Mine was I wanted to be able to care for my mom until she died since I was her only family. It cost me a lot financially in the divorce, but I succeeded. She died with some dignity and I discharged my desired duty. What do you want? How do you propose to address your fears?

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OK, take the same skills and dedication which have served you well as breadwinner and figure this out in a way which respects both your perspective and the sensibilities of your family. You know the drill. Step by step. What's the first step? What is one thing, just one thing, you can do this week to move this forward?

 

Well...is next week good?...they're having a presentation at work about the EPA...employee assistance or something like that...it's were you can see counselors for work/life issues for free...part of the benefits...who knows...always knew I had it but never thought much about it before now...and it's free so I'll go see what it's about...they sent an email out...it was a sign...step 1...but next week...

 

This week?...I'll try to care if I wake up each morning?...idk...

 

Speaking of...I have to work tomorrow and it's late...so I'll talk more then...thanks for everyone's input so far...

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Something to consider is, notwithstanding your career, the health of your family is job #1. Money and prestige are wonderful but can be very empty when those who one loves to share themselves and their achievements with are gone. I expect you are going to have to make some difficult choices in this area in the near future. I wish you well in that pursuit.

 

A question for later..... do you work out every week, like at the gym or jogging, riding, swimming, stuff like that? If so, how many hours a week would you say that is?

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It doesn't have to be that way. There are innumerable potentials. You and he have complete control over where this goes. You each choose.

 

Your fear is valid. I remember what that was like. I picked one thing I wanted out of the mess and stuck with it. It kept me sane in the maelstrom which ensued. Your 'one thing' is unique to you. Mine was I wanted to be able to care for my mom until she died since I was her only family. It cost me a lot financially in the divorce, but I succeeded. She died with some dignity and I discharged my desired duty. What do you want? How do you propose to address your fears?

 

OMG carhill you're making me think too much...you have so much more experience than I do with this stuff...I don't have all the answers...I wish I did...I wish I knew what I wanted...but I don't...too much pressure...

 

You know...one day I'm just going to tell H exactly how I feel and stay I want a D and watch him fall apart and be done with it...I'm mean who knows...he might say "oh thank god" and run out the door...not likely but could happen...I keep checking his phone HOPING he's got a girlfriend...I'd find him one myself if I thought he would go...

 

Anyway...it's almost midnight here in Nirvana now...and I'm saying stupid things now...let me sleep on this...

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Something to consider is, notwithstanding your career, the health of your family is job #1. Money and prestige are wonderful but can be very empty when those who one loves to share themselves and their achievements with are gone. I expect you are going to have to make some difficult choices in this area in the near future. I wish you well in that pursuit.

 

A question for later..... do you work out every week, like at the gym or jogging, riding, swimming, stuff like that? If so, how many hours a week would you say that is?

 

Ok last one tonight...

 

No I don't workout...I work 8 hrs a day...I have an 1 hr commute each way...3 kids...band practice...football practice...football games...etc. etc...

 

Many years ago I used to work out a lot...I'm still in really good shape for a middle aged lady with 3 kids...the grass doesn't grow under my feet for sure...and I smoke way too much now to exercise...mostly bc I really don't care if I live any longer than necessary right now...

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18 yrs, you sound like you have your professional life sorted but are prepared to live a half life with your H, and I don't get it. In your post you say a lot about how your H is making your life miserable but not too much about what you are doing to stop this. Living life without intimacy is not something I could never imagine doing, sex for sex sake I would imagine, is cold and would leave me feeling unfulfilled. Intimacy without sex, well I would settle for that if I had to, but would always want more. Why settle?

 

I wonder if it has just become all routine and a, this is how it is, type of life when in actual fact it needn't be that way at all. To find out that a marriage or relationship has become mundane or boring and try to make it work is one thing, to realise that it is and choose to do nothing is just sad.

 

If it is so bad, then leave, it really is as simple as that, think of the waste of life you and H are living, you both might meet others who fulfill all aspects of your relationship needs, I doubt very much that he is happy with the situation any more than you are. Have you talked to him? does he know how you feel?

 

I can see how long term LD relationships can be exciting and an escape from the routine, I have known very few that make it when they have regular, face to face contact. I also think that the time spent on A's would be better spent either sorting out the relationship you are unhappy in or starting a new life where the unhappy relationship is no longer.

 

As we all know, we just get one shot at living a happy, fulfilled life. I think it's time to either sort out what you have got or leave and start again.

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Someone started another thread about missing the "sex and passion" she shared with her xMM. Since I've been having those exact same thoughts lately, I thought I'd start another thread to get input on this that we're both going thru from others.

 

I'm married and 3 months out from my A. It's been really hard but I'm now angry enough, or far removed enough, to know that I don't want him and I'll never let him come back, as much as it hurts. I don't trust him, he's a liar, he's a coward, he's a doormat (I'm not trading in one doormat for another), and if I can't be his 1st choice, I won't be his 2nd. But...I cannot tell a lie...I do LOVE him a lot. But I have for 22+ years. That's not going away. *I've accepted the fact that I can love someone with all my heart and not want to be with them or not be able to be with them and I'm ok with that (today).

 

But...I still long everyday for the intimacy we shared. We had a LDR so sex was a precious *luxury, but we still shared intimacy and "passion" without sex. I guess we were "intimate" because of the closeness we felt in some form of constant communication with each other and "passion" for what we thought we wanted and might get to have one day. I really only miss just that.

 

I'm in what I would consider a sexless marriage at my choice. My H would have sex constantly if we could. For 15 years, we've never had sex more than 2-3x a month. Lately, 1x every 3-4 months. Again my choice. This has nothing to do with the A. It was pre-A. We haven't slept in the same bed for almost 3 years. For 15 years, I agree to sex so he'll stop gripping. Didn't really need or want it (or so I thought).*

 

Since the A, I now realize exactly what I was missing in my M, although I actually realized it long before the A, it just makes more sense now. My H loves me dearly (who knows why?), he's a great father, he does more than his fair share of work around the house, he doesn't go out with his buddies, doesn't drink or smoke, doesn't lie, never cheated (that I know of and I really wouldn't care), never been arrested. So other than being a needy doormat, he's really a good man. All qualities that so many woman are looking for in a man. Even with only 1/2 of those, some women would consider themselves very lucky. *Not me. To me, there's so much missing. A huge gapping hole.

 

Here's the big hairy but...I'm not now and have never been sexually attracted to H (rebound relationship and I got pregnant and got M because it was the "right thing to do"). Yeah...that stupid hindsight again. *For 15 years it's been just sex with H. Just sex. Even before the A, I craved loving someone back. Not being loved, just being able to love someone back. All I wanted was to love someone. The A gave me that. Now that I've had a taste of real "making love" and intimacy without sex, and not just sex without intimacy, I want that back. I don't want the man (xMM) and I don't want sex (ok sometimes I do), hell my H is actually better at the sex part than xMM, I want the intimacy back and to really love someone. What is wrong with me? Anyone else experience this? Would you throw a good man out (so to speak) and risk finding a not so good man, just for love and intimacy? I could so be alone, I'm not saying I'm looking for another man (ever), but I would like to share mutual love with someone.

 

Am I crazy? *Why was I ok with sex just for the sake of sex before but not now? Why now, when I want it more, but just not with who is available to me? How long can a R last without intimacy? I can't do the "just sex" thing any longer.

 

Anyway...I'm just rambling now. Any thoughts? Someone tell me something enlightening please...

 

Thanks...

 

To the bolded, EVERYONE deserves and needs that intimacy and love....not just sex or going through the motions. You admitted marrying your husband was not for love but out of obligation....no one should do that.

 

I do not think it is a choice between throwing away a "good man" that you do not share love and intimacy with and finding a "not so good man" that you have love and intimacy with...in fact, the latter is an oxymoron. How can a not so good man provide you with love and intimacy anyway? :confused:

 

I think it is quite possible to find a fulfilling, mutually loving relationship that is intimate.....but one has to release fears and be vulnerable for that to happen. The fear of being alone or "not finding someone" can surely keep you stuck and settled with an "okay" person or even a downright horrible person or situation....but to me, "okay people" are all around and I'd rather try my luck at finding someone I am in love with, who feels the same, where we can share intimacy...if all else fails, then I suppose I can grab another "okay person" if I get desperate.....but until then, I do believe in aiming for the best and not letting fears force me into settling.

 

It's up to you to decide if your fears of not finding someone are greater than your indefinite unhappiness in your current situation....

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Hmmm...yes AP was my best friend and BF for 5 years up until 18 years ago...

 

Yes...AP and H are very different in many ways...however with a little distance between me and the A now...AP has really come down off his pedestal and now I see that they are alike in many ways...which is why I don't want xMM (the man) anymore...I just miss the intimacy I had with him (I think?)...their main difference is I just always liked being around/hanging out with xMM...doing whatever...you know when you love someone you just want to be with them all the time doing anything?...I've never had fun or wanted to be around my H...ever...in fact... I make a point of trying to get away from him as much as possible...he's just not a likeable person to be around...hard to explain...but ask any of my former friends...not any left...they have all kind of gone away because they don't want to hang around H...he's dreary and depressing and they don't like the way he treats me in public...so it makes everyone uncomfortable...so...here I am...no friends...no sex...and living with someone I don't love...

 

Wow, you just described my marriage right down to the no friends part! Oy, the horrible memories. And like you, I tried sucking it up 11 years and realized I would end up being a miserable mess if I stayed with him. Sooo, I finally got the strength to get a divorce and it was THE best decision I've ever made. Sure, I had my struggles over the years being a single parent and all, but my kids blossomed into two beautiful wonderful compassionate women and I now have the freedom to take my life where ever I want it to go. I would not change a thing and DO NOT have one single regret.

 

The beginning of the path out of that mess of a marriage started with me feeling just like you are now. My guess is, it is only a matter of time before you finally say enough is enough and you walk out.

 

So yes, there is happiness out there waiting if you are willing to do what it takes to go out there and embrace it. Hope this helps.

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No matter how "good" a man is, I would not stay with him is there is no love or intimacy. A marriage thrives on intimacy.

 

Ditto Janey

 

Nope...not afraid at all of being alone...I support 5 people very well now...I can certainly support 4-1/2...

 

I'm afraid of all kinds of things:

Hurting him

Hurting the kids

Him making the kids feel sorry for him (he will do this...he a pro)

Him mooching off of me for the other 1/2 of my life

Him making my life more miserable than it already is via using my kids

 

Idk...lots to think about...but yes...M was over before it started you're right...

 

You don't like being around your H, yet you are afraid of hurting him?

 

The kids will be fine. Yes, they will be sad; but they have to know their parents don't have a marriage to model their future relationships after. Is that fair to your boys? Do you want them to have relationships like you and your H?

 

I divorced with a 6 year old son. The BEST thing I did for him was to divorce his dad. I wanted him in a happy home, not a home filled with tension, despair, misery, etc. I had planned to never marry again... and 3 years later, I married a wonderful man and showed my son what a marriage is and how a man and woman interact. I have a son who loves with his whole heart.

 

You can give your boys a happy home free of tension and a mom who doesn't want to be anywhere near their dad. You deserve to have the best life you can.

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What a situation you have to figure out. Just remember the grass is not always greener on the other side. I also don't believe in Prince Charming. No relationship will be perfect but if your husband and you are willing...give counseling a try.

 

Seems like people are too easily disposed of these days. My heart was broken and I felt tossed out like the garbage.

 

Good luck!

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Wow, you just described my marriage right down to the no friends part! Oy, the horrible memories. And like you, I tried sucking it up 11 years and realized I would end up being a miserable mess if I stayed with him. Sooo, I finally got the strength to get a divorce and it was THE best decision I've ever made. Sure, I had my struggles over the years being a single parent and all, but my kids blossomed into two beautiful wonderful compassionate women and I now have the freedom to take my life where ever I want it to go. I would not change a thing and DO NOT have one single regret.

 

The beginning of the path out of that mess of a marriage started with me feeling just like you are now. My guess is, it is only a matter of time before you finally say enough is enough and you walk out.

 

So yes, there is happiness out there waiting if you are willing to do what it takes to go out there and embrace it. Hope this helps.

 

Thanks Spice! You give me hope. I'm going to get out as soon as I figure out the right plan.

 

If u don't mind sharing, why no friends? For me it's not b/c H won't "allow" it, it's that I don't want to bring him around other people. People are uncomfortable around him. For our whole M and including pre-M, I constantly had to address questions like "what's wrong with him?" I just get tired of that. Just recently a new co-worker started and moved here from out of town. We (H and I) have been 2x with he and his W places. After the 1st time co-worker mentioned in a nice way that he didn't really "like" him but he'd suck it up since he's my H. REALLY? ALREADY? So now I go alone. I don't bring him to any work functions or anything. It sucks because im a very social person. He's just miserable and it's apparent to everyone who meets him.

 

Thanks again for your story. It does help.

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Ditto Janey

 

 

 

You don't like being around your H, yet you are afraid of hurting him?

 

The kids will be fine. Yes, they will be sad; but they have to know their parents don't have a marriage to model their future relationships after. Is that fair to your boys? Do you want them to have relationships like you and your H?

 

I divorced with a 6 year old son. The BEST thing I did for him was to divorce his dad. I wanted him in a happy home, not a home filled with tension, despair, misery, etc. I had planned to never marry again... and 3 years later, I married a wonderful man and showed my son what a marriage is and how a man and woman interact. I have a son who loves with his whole heart.

 

You can give your boys a happy home free of tension and a mom who doesn't want to be anywhere near their dad. You deserve to have the best life you can.

 

Thanks FO.

 

Yes I don't like/love my H but I still don't want to see him hurt and knowing it is b/c of me. I mean I wouldn't purposefully hurt anyone even someone I didn't know. I wouldn't do or say something that I know would be hurtful to someone. Like my employees at work. If they didn't something wrong I wouldn't say "gosh your so stupid" go back to your desk and try again. I would help them get it right in a nice way and there not my friend or the father of my kids. Does that make sense?

 

I guess if I thought my H was a strong person like me, I'd feel better. If I thought he would cry for a few days a move on, so be it. But he's not strong, he can't support himself financially, and I really don't think he'd ever find someone else, and if he did the retention rate would b low. Maybe I'm wrong but who knows?

 

Thanks to everyone else who has responded too. I appreciate it.

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What a situation you have to figure out. Just remember the grass is not always greener on the other side. I also don't believe in Prince Charming. No relationship will be perfect but if your husband and you are willing...give counseling a try.

 

Seems like people are too easily disposed of these days. My heart was broken and I felt tossed out like the garbage.

 

Good luck!

 

I am going the counselor route. Not b/c I'm willing. I'm not. I'm done. Nothing will ever change. It's not a secret to H what the issues are. Haven't changed in 15 years. Not going to ever change. Just more wasted time. He might change for a very brief while, just until he thinks I've forgotten and the dust settles, but then SSDD. Seen it all to many times.

 

The counseling will be mostly for him so he can get thru this and move on and so we can discuss moving forward separately in the best fashion for the 3 innocent children involved. That's the worst part for me. Knowing that I may damage 3 innocent children over my poor decision is too much for me to handle right now. So that part of the counseling will be for me.

 

Who broke your heart Gabby and threw u out like the trash? H or xAP? I'm sorry you feel that way.

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Thanks Spice! You give me hope. I'm going to get out as soon as I figure out the right plan.

 

If u don't mind sharing, why no friends? For me it's not b/c H won't "allow" it, it's that I don't want to bring him around other people. People are uncomfortable around him. For our whole M and including pre-M, I constantly had to address questions like "what's wrong with him?" I just get tired of that. Just recently a new co-worker started and moved here from out of town. We (H and I) have been 2x with he and his W places. After the 1st time co-worker mentioned in a nice way that he didn't really "like" him but he'd suck it up since he's my H. REALLY? ALREADY? So now I go alone. I don't bring him to any work functions or anything. It sucks because im a very social person. He's just miserable and it's apparent to everyone who meets him.

 

Thanks again for your story. It does help.

 

You are very welcome. My situation was exactly the same, nobody wanted to be around my xH either. It definitely wasn't because I wasn't allowed, he just always rubbed people the wrong way. I always made a ton of friends where ever I worked or the activities I joined, only to see them slowly dwindle away because they didn't like him. After I divorced, I was on a date and ran into a few of the couples I knew when married and they were over joyed when they found out I was away from him. When they first saw me, they said, "look there is "spice" and she's certainly not with ****!" It was a very validating experience to say the least. :)

 

I learned what suffering meant after I left my exH - it meant staying in situation where you feel trapped and unfulfilled. I've never looked back! :)

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