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Emotional Affair is killing


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Here is my story, I will try to make it quick and short (kinda).

 

I have been employed with my company for 11 years. Last year I met a co-worker, who I have known from work but never met face to face. We became fast friends and just got along so great. We started IM'ing throughout the day, hanging out when we could (normally in a group setting) or texting at night about TV, movies or sports. I am in a longterm relationship and he is married but our friendship was just so fantastic and comfortable. Well about 3 months into it we started talking in ways that would probably not be looked at as "just friends" He would start talking about his sex life (or lack there of) and I would just listen and then start telling about mine. Then he would start texting me at night, not about TV or movies or Sports, but more along the lines of "You have the most beautiful eyes" ect, ect...

 

When I would try to tell him how I felt about him, he would turn around with "oh I was just giving you a compliment, as a friend" (yeah I tell all my friends they have the most beautiful eyes lol) or he would say, "oh you know we only talk like that for fun and we are just joking" but in another conversation he would say " You know I like you but i just cant do anything" I just want to make it clear, I NEVER made him feel like I wanted him to cheat, he would ALWAYS start these sexual conversations with me.

 

Anyway, he has now started to ignore me in a way. For the past couple of weeks, he only talks to me if I talk to him first, he does not text anymore and when he does talk to me I feel like he is just pacifying me. I think about him day and night now, I feel sick when he's not in work, I miss him on the weekends and I miss my friendship with him the most. I want to know if I did anything to him or is this just his way of ending the friendship without hurting my feelings? If it is, it is not working. I just want to come right out and ask him if I did do anything wrong but Im afraid of the response. My heart is breaking because I fell for him HARD!!! Not to mention the incredible friendship we had. I miss him alot, I miss laughing and joking and complaining and listening. Please help, I am so confused as to why he has suddenly pulled away, or am I just over thinking this and making a big deal out of nothing.....

 

PS Please be nice, this is my first post haha

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He probably pulled away because he was going too far, and decided not to risk his marriage.

 

All you can do at this point is break off all contact with him, chalk this up as a painful learning experience, and move on with your life.

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You are right, but it just makes me so angry that he did this to me...however, dont get me wrong, I had a hand in it too and I know that but i just want him to tell me. I dont want to have to guess and ponder.

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What you're hoping for is "closure"...a much-hyped and overplayed word that pretty much doesn't exist in the real world.

 

Accept that it's over, it's a lousy situation, and it's time to move on. It's simple...not easy...but simple.

 

You're going to have to deal with the end of this 'relationship' like you would any other one.

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TurningTables
Here is my story, I will try to make it quick and short (kinda).

 

I have been employed with my company for 11 years. Last year I met a co-worker, who I have known from work but never met face to face. We became fast friends and just got along so great. We started IM'ing throughout the day, hanging out when we could (normally in a group setting) or texting at night about TV, movies or sports. I am in a longterm relationship and he is married but our friendship was just so fantastic and comfortable. Well about 3 months into it we started talking in ways that would probably not be looked at as "just friends" He would start talking about his sex life (or lack there of) and I would just listen and then start telling about mine. Then he would start texting me at night, not about TV or movies or Sports, but more along the lines of "You have the most beautiful eyes" ect, ect...

 

When I would try to tell him how I felt about him, he would turn around with "oh I was just giving you a compliment, as a friend" (yeah I tell all my friends they have the most beautiful eyes lol) or he would say, "oh you know we only talk like that for fun and we are just joking" but in another conversation he would say " You know I like you but i just cant do anything" I just want to make it clear, I NEVER made him feel like I wanted him to cheat, he would ALWAYS start these sexual conversations with me.

 

Anyway, he has now started to ignore me in a way. For the past couple of weeks, he only talks to me if I talk to him first, he does not text anymore and when he does talk to me I feel like he is just pacifying me. I think about him day and night now, I feel sick when he's not in work, I miss him on the weekends and I miss my friendship with him the most. I want to know if I did anything to him or is this just his way of ending the friendship without hurting my feelings? If it is, it is not working. I just want to come right out and ask him if I did do anything wrong but Im afraid of the response. My heart is breaking because I fell for him HARD!!! Not to mention the incredible friendship we had. I miss him alot, I miss laughing and joking and complaining and listening. Please help, I am so confused as to why he has suddenly pulled away, or am I just over thinking this and making a big deal out of nothing.....

 

PS Please be nice, this is my first post haha

 

 

Hi 4 year.Welcome to LS. As much as I respect Owls's opinions, I have to disagree with him on this one. :o I believe your MM is playing head games with you.You said he would compliment you, then turn around and say he was just joking? You also stated he would say things like " He likes you but he cant do anything about it"? This right here is your warning sign to RUN.

True friendship dosent involve these types of hinting around. He is beating around the bush to say the least. How dare he tell you he likes you and then bolt? Is that really someone you want in your life that cannot be totally honest with you? The reason why he bolted could be that he didnt want to risk his M, but I find that hard to believe. He probably either got bored and moved on, or he figured you were not interested in the kind of relationship he was looking for ( no strings attached PA).

 

What I want to address with you is to go NC with him. Its time to cut your losses and move on. You might never ever get the answers you seek. However, what concerns me more is that you were willing to risk your LTR for this guy. You didnt mention how that R is going. It may be time to re-evaluate where you are at with your LT boyfriend. There is trouble there if you are looking outside of it and now is the time to address it.

Best wishes.

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It sounds to me like his attention was an ego stroke for you. Like see... hes married but likes me better than his wife! Well he is now trying to tell you in a passive way that he doesn't want an afffair with you. He loves his wife and doesn't want her hurt. Move on and find someone who is emotionally available for you.

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The cool thing is, TT...I don't think that we're really disagreeing where it matters.

 

MM's motives...whether playing or opting to work on his marriage...really are irrelevent to the OP.

 

What matters are her next steps...which is what you outlined beautifully.

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Thank You both!! I need to stop this, it is not fair to me. As I stated he has stopped talking to me...BUT he will IM me when he is leaving for the day to say bye...I think he's just trying to make sure hes staying in my head? As for my relationship, I love him very much, when i got hooked on my MM, we were going through a rough patch which is why I was able to start feelings for someone else. We are back in a very good place in our relationship but I cant forget or "unlike" MM. I hate myself for it but I hate him too...well a little lol

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It sounds to me like his attention was an ego stroke for you. Like see... hes married but likes me better than his wife! Well he is now trying to tell you in a passive way that he doesn't want an afffair with you. He loves his wife and doesn't want her hurt. Move on and find someone who is emotionally available for you.

I don't think an EGO Boost was on my end. If anything I always felt it was on his end. I just really liked the friendship we had and THEN the feelings I had started. If it was an EGO Boost from the begining for me then the friendship would not have meant as much to me...

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I'm curious about how you "love" your boyfriend, yet you are missing and wanting to continue the EA with the co-worker?

 

Maybe he felt you were too into him? Maybe he felt that you were relying on him and expecting him to end his marriage to be with you? Maybe he felt that you were too needy with wanting him to contact you and talk sexy to you?

 

It doesn't matter WHO initiated any conversation! What matters is how you reacted to conversations. He wasn't taking advantage of you, because you were inviting him to be in contact with you. YOU never kept boundaries. YOU accepted his invitation to be flirty.

 

Have you told your boyfriend of the EA?

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TurningTables
It sounds to me like his attention was an ego stroke for you. Like see... hes married but likes me better than his wife! Well he is now trying to tell you in a passive way that he doesn't want an afffair with you. He loves his wife and doesn't want her hurt. Move on and find someone who is emotionally available for you.

 

 

Sorry thomasb, but if he loved his W, he wouldnt have been messing around/EA/friendship with 4year. He certainly wouldnt have said the things that the OP stated he said to her. People who are happy with their R/M dont say things like that.

 

And just to add another thought to the OP: If you are done with the "rough" patch with your LT boyfriend, why are you still wondering about the MM? Something is still wrong somewhere. Its just my opinion.

 

PS. Owl, Thank you for the compliment! :)

Edited by TurningTables
forgot something...
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Sorry thomasb, but if he loved his W, he wouldnt have been messing around/EA/friendship with 4year. He certainly wouldnt have said the things that the OP stated he said to her. People who are happy with their R/M dont say things like that.

 

And just to add another thought to the OP: If you are done with the "rough" patch with your LT boyfriend, why are you still wondering about the MM? Something is still wrong somewhere. Its just my opinion.

 

PS. Owl, Thank you for the compliment! :)

 

Sorry TT. but you are wrong. Been there done that. Not proud of it. Disgusted really. I loved my wife. Still had an affair. You don't understand that a man can have an affair and be perfectly happy at home. Not so sure about a woman. But I could... and did.

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TurningTables
Sorry TT. but you are wrong. Been there done that. Not proud of it. Disgusted really. I loved my wife. Still had an affair. You don't understand that a man can have an affair and be perfectly happy at home. Not so sure about a woman. But I could... and did.

 

wow..can I ask as to why? If you dont want to say..its ok.

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wow..can I ask as to why? If you dont want to say..its ok.

 

What can I say? I was young...no excuse. Drunk...no excuse. And after the first time I figured my wife would never forgive me anyway. It continued for a while, but the guilt was killing me. I confessed.

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alexandria35

Interesting how so many see Thomas's experience as odd while I find it to be the norm.

 

I've had several married men come on to me over the years and with most of them I knew damn well they loved their wives and family. My perception was that they were looking for some fun and ego boosting while giving no thought to what was at risk. I've seen married men get caught at their games and then come completely unglued when they realize what they have done and what it costs them I've never been one to jump to the conclusion that a married man hitting on me must have a troubled marriage, must not love his wife or his wife must not be meeting his needs. I guess because I don't think I'm that special. I don't think being hit on by a married man tells me anything about how his marriage or wife is lacking or about how great I am but it tells me everything about the married guy.

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Don't let him jerk you around emotionally, 4year!

 

As much as I identify with your reaction to his 180 behavior (I absolutely SEE RED when that happens), it's important that you remain cool and brief and level-headed with him. You don't want to give him the impression that you'd be willing to take whatever he dishes out.

 

Focus your fabulous energy elsewhere!

 

This too shall pass.

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I dont think its that hard to love your SO and ha e feelings someone else. I also have no choice but to see him everyday which makes it harder. I never said I loved

MM.

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TurningTables
I'm trying to decide whether you're young and naive, or just very sheltered. Whatever the case, it's pretty standard knowledge that most men are able to compartmentalize - just deal with one situation at a time and box up and put away all his others at that moment. Women are hard-wired a little differently - we're used to multi-tasking so much of the time, so other parts of our lives seep in and overlap each other pretty frequently.

 

Most men can VERY much put their happy marriage in a box on the shelf and think with their genitals for a given time - and often do. I've known many men who have claimed they were happily married and their wives were great and all that..all while they were still trying to get a little excitement on the side.

 

Alot of men are able to see these two things as separate. Women? Not so much.

 

 

I am not that young nor am I naive or sheltered. I just cant wrap my head around someone loving someone, then cheating on them. I know we all as humans make stupid mistakes, but I cannot personally be in love with someone and sleep with someone else. Its just me I guess.

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TurningTables
What can I say? I was young...no excuse. Drunk...no excuse. And after the first time I figured my wife would never forgive me anyway. It continued for a while, but the guilt was killing me. I confessed.

 

Thank you for answering.This brings up a thought-provoking question though. If you are in a happy, loving, trusting relationship/marriage with someone..Are you saying that no one is affair proof?

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Thank you for answering.This brings up a thought-provoking question though. If you are in a happy, loving, trusting relationship/marriage with someone..Are you saying that no one is affair proof?

 

That is an excellent question. But off topic on this thread. If you start a thread I'm sure it would be an interesting discussion.

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