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half_ofa_heart

I have been absent for a while but have had sooooo much turmoil in my life that getting up out of bed was about all I could handle. The last update I had on here was that I had ended my 2 and a half year A because MM made plans to go on a tropical vacation with just the W.

 

I couldn’t handle it and broke it off the minute I heard the news. I remained NC for what seemed like an eternity but was more like 3 weeks. It was a daily struggle and there was some contact made by him and although I did respond, it was blunt and to the point and only a few times. He was trying to respect my wishes and only contacted me 2 or 3 times.

 

Then it happened… After almost a year of dealing with my father being ill, we lost him. It took almost 2 weeks for him to finally let go and even then it was us, his family, who had to decide to take him off of life support. I was and continue to be a mess.

 

MM called as soon as he heard the news and I just couldn’t fight both battles at the same time; losing my dad and fighting to stay away from him. He has been my best friend for 2 and half years and if there was ever a time I needed him, it was then. I made it a point to NOT see him and only speak to him on the phone. He was there as much as he could and even tried more than usual to call and text to check on me.

 

Then, after the funeral, I was such a mess; I broke down and saw him. For the first time since my dad was taken to emergency, I just fell apart in his arms. I needed to feel someone hold ME up for once. I just couldn’t hold back. We did not have sex and he just hugged me and wiped my tears and let me cry. :(

 

I know it set me WAY back but I just didn’t have the strength. And now…. He is on his tropical vacation with his wife and I feel like there is an ANVIL sitting on top of my chest. I feel like I’m wandering aimlessly with no real direction. I don’t know whether when I’m crying if I’m crying for my dad or crying for him. The pain is just too much to fight sometimes.

 

I am LOST!

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half_ofa_heart

I have been looking for a good therapist for quite some time and have gone thru 3 with no real success but that was all BEFORE the break up and certainly before my father's passing.

 

I am on a mission today to find someone as I have reached a critical stage of support.

 

I just don't have the where-with-all to figure out these feelings. Don't know how to handle MM when he gets back. Don't know how to need him, want him and still push him away all the while dealing with the loss of my dad. How did I get here?

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What OTHER support systems do you have available?

 

Mother, brothers/sisters, close friends, etc...?

 

I understand the desire to turn to him...but wouldn't you find yourself better served by turning to other support pillars instead?

 

Not insulting you or anything here...just trying to make a helpful recommendation.

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I am very very sorry about your loss and I can symphatize with you to some extent. It takes a lot of courage to mourn the loss of two important men in your life at the same time and I understand you needed to grieve your dad's passing and having the opportunity to do that in MM's arms was comforting even though it set you back and it must be so painful to know that he is on vacation with W while you mourn and are in so much pain.

 

I lost my Dad in April and I just learned today that his widow remarried a few days ago. I do not know how to feel about. She is a young attractive lady, no kids, so we all knew she would do that eventually but not even six months since he passed away and she already moved on!!

 

I have been with MM for 22 months and he was my support throughout my Dad's illness, he fell sick in January and passed in April. My Dad's passing helped me realize life is too short (he was only 54) and shortly after that I decided to end my marriage and I am in divorce proceedings. If MM does not show actions by December which will mark 2 years of relationship, I will have to let him go and I am going to be so ready for this year to be over and start fresh in 2012. I know it will be a sad New Year's Eve as I will look at it as being the year where I would have lost 3 important men in my life. 1. Most importantly my Dad, 2. my soon to be xH of 13 years and 3. the love of my life, my MM. I am hoping for the best but preparing for the worse when I tell him I cannot do it any longer than the two years. If after two years he is still confused about what to do with his life, there is absolutely nothing else I can do. I tried doing LC last month but it did not work so I am preparing my self to end it and completely go NC.

 

I am very sorry you are going through this pain, I am. I apologize for venting about my own situation but I can relate to you. Losing my Dad has been the greatest pain I have ever felt and I am preparing to kiss this year good bye, it has been filled with much sadness and it will be even more painful if I have to start the new year without MM but like I said I am preparing myself to say good bye to him as well and leave all of this behind me and concentrate on myself.

 

I wish you the best and I hope we can stay in touch.

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My condolences to you.

 

The loss of a dear loved one hurts. The grief is emotional and physical.

While you are grieving, you are at your most vulnerable.

So, it is no huge surprise that you should seek comfort from your MM in your main moment of weakness.

 

It would be worse however, if he continued to offer you comfort while you are vulnerable and weak - after being asked to respect you and leave you alone when you were feeling stronger.

 

When you are strong you can stay from him

When you are vulnerable, you weaken and see him.

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half_ofa_heart
What OTHER support systems do you have available?

 

Mother, brothers/sisters, close friends, etc...?

 

I understand the desire to turn to him...but wouldn't you find yourself better served by turning to other support pillars instead?

 

Not insulting you or anything here...just trying to make a helpful recommendation.

 

unfortunately the passing of my father has created a lot of arguements between my siblings and myself. I have 5 brothers and sisters. We are all grieving in different ways and unfortunately, not in a productive manner. That was one of the things I was leaning on MM for. it has been the roughest month I've ever had to go through.

 

I have friends and they have helped with the passing of my dad but its been tough finding the support for breaking up with MM. its just not something that is talked about. That is why I am having such a rough time - I have to work through this one alone and with the passing of my dad, just don't have the strength for both.

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So Very Confused

I'm so sorry for your loss. You've had some very traumatic experiences.

 

I understand what you mean about leaning on the MM for support. My xMM was my best friend too and it's hard without him so it makes the loss feel even worse. My xMM also went on a vacation with his W and that was the final event for me too with our A. I was miserable while he was gone and didn't exactly deal with it in a constructive way. I agree that it even makes it worse that grieving over the loss of your AP isn't exactly something you can do and get much sympathy or support for from most people in your life.

 

In my case, my therapist and a good friend have been there for me and it's really helped. I hope you find the same. Keep trying with the therapist. It's worth it when you find someone you can really talk to who will give helpful feedback and challenge you to grow and recover.

 

Don't discount the support you'll find here on LS too. I go back and re-read threads a lot and it is so helpful.

 

Here's a big {{{{{HUG}}}}}}

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whichwayisup

I'm sorry for your loss, my heart knows that pain all too well, losing a father... Tons of hugs and icecream/chips/chocolate/candy/cake/brownies to you too! ;)

 

As for your exMM, he got you at your most vunerable moment, he knew you wouldn't push him away.. Yes he cares, but him being there for you at that moment only helped you IN that moment.. He still went away with his wife and things haven't changed.

 

When he comes back, get back into NC mode. Rely on close friends and family that you are close to, to help you through this.. Even seek grief counselling too.

 

Again, I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

In time, you and your siblings may want to try to re build something slowly.. Life is short and if it's possible to mend fences, give it your best.

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half_ofa_heart

Thanks to everyone for your responses. I'm dealing with the loss of my father the best way I can... One day at a time. I realize there is nothing I can do to change that and can only cherish the memories I have of him. It isn't easy but each day gets a little better.

 

I'm here mostly for help with MM. I'm so darn lost I don't know where to go. He was there for me, he is always there for me in my time of need (as much as someone who is committed to someone else can be). He was the ONLY person I wanted when my father was sent to emergency and was the ONLY person who eased my pain when we removed him from life support.

 

So how is it that the same person that can ease my pain is also the same person to inflict so much pain???? He helped me through the storm only to lead me to a tital wave.

 

As he sat there consoling me as I cried my eyes out, he told me before he left that he loved me with all his heart and soul and that no amount of time apart will ever change that. He was thankful that I allowed him to be there for me in this horrible time as he felt helpless when he heard of the news and wanted desperately to be there for me.

 

He went on to say that he knows his impending vacation was the cause of our most recent break up and understood completely where i stood. He also said that he didn't want to leave me with any rays of hope but more to ease some of my pain by saying what he hopes to gain from this trip is clarity!!! This will be the first time they will be alone together in many many years. he said he is hoping to find out for himself if he can see himself alone with her; see if away from the daily struggles of life, if they can be amicable.

 

I have always felt he has been honest with me - I don't see why now would be any different. I know I don't have control over what HE does and only have control over what I do. I always try to do the "right" thing and end up failing. With all that is going on in my life, the loss of my father, the severe fighting with my siblings, and the loss of the love of my life, I just don't know what to do anymore.

 

help me :(

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whichwayisup

Love and what he feels for you isn't the issue. HE does love you but it's not enough for him to change his whole life, divorce and start over. He cannot have it both ways! As much as you love him, want him in your life, you can't. It's just going to be more painful because nothing will ever change. He's made his decision, as gentle as he's been about it, he STILL went away and has told you there is no hope.

 

You're hurting and double the pain, so much loss.. Better to go through this all at once then when you start to feel better, have to lose your exMM all over again, then have more pain..

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Thanks to everyone for your responses. I'm dealing with the loss of my father the best way I can... One day at a time. I realize there is nothing I can do to change that and can only cherish the memories I have of him. It isn't easy but each day gets a little better.

 

I'm here mostly for help with MM. I'm so darn lost I don't know where to go. He was there for me, he is always there for me in my time of need (as much as someone who is committed to someone else can be). He was the ONLY person I wanted when my father was sent to emergency and was the ONLY person who eased my pain when we removed him from life support.

 

So how is it that the same person that can ease my pain is also the same person to inflict so much pain???? He helped me through the storm only to lead me to a tital wave.

 

As he sat there consoling me as I cried my eyes out, he told me before he left that he loved me with all his heart and soul and that no amount of time apart will ever change that. He was thankful that I allowed him to be there for me in this horrible time as he felt helpless when he heard of the news and wanted desperately to be there for me.

 

He went on to say that he knows his impending vacation was the cause of our most recent break up and understood completely where i stood. He also said that he didn't want to leave me with any rays of hope but more to ease some of my pain by saying what he hopes to gain from this trip is clarity!!! This will be the first time they will be alone together in many many years. he said he is hoping to find out for himself if he can see himself alone with her; see if away from the daily struggles of life, if they can be amicable.

 

I have always felt he has been honest with me - I don't see why now would be any different. I know I don't have control over what HE does and only have control over what I do. I always try to do the "right" thing and end up failing. With all that is going on in my life, the loss of my father, the severe fighting with my siblings, and the loss of the love of my life, I just don't know what to do anymore.

 

help me :(

 

I'll tell you honestly...my personal experience is that people are usually far, far stronger than they ever think that they are.

 

I understand you're dealing with the loss of your father, don't take me wrong.

 

But honestly...it doesn't take any MORE strength to tell MM to get lost.

 

All you need to do is to tell him not to contact you when he gets back.

 

All you need to do is to go up and read the one line in your previous post that I bolded...that's the only line in all that he had to say that actually mattered.

 

He's not in this for you.

 

He's in this for HIM.

 

Sure, he makes himself feel good by "being there for you"...right up until he headed out on vacation with his wife.

 

See...there is NO FUTURE WITH HIM.

 

He's made his choice...as always...actions define the choices.

 

Knowing how you feel, where you're at right now...he still chose to leave with her. He didn't choose to stay, he didn't choose to tell her the truth, he didn't take measures to be with you, even in the height of your misery.

 

You want advice in reference to him? Realize that focusing on the loss of your dad can help you IGNORE the pain of the loss of him in your life. Focusing on one grief can help you overcome the other.

 

Then once your grief over both is past...you'll find yourself already in the anger phase, realizing that he really wasn't here for you when you needed him.

 

Tell him to remain on vacation with her...you've got to deal with your real life. Not his little fantasy world where he sees himself swooping in to help you...and then bailing when he isn't willing to put you first.

 

I wish you the best...really.

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I'll tell you honestly...my personal experience is that people are usually far, far stronger than they ever think that they are.

 

I understand you're dealing with the loss of your father, don't take me wrong.

 

But honestly...it doesn't take any MORE strength to tell MM to get lost.

 

All you need to do is to tell him not to contact you when he gets back.

 

All you need to do is to go up and read the one line in your previous post that I bolded...that's the only line in all that he had to say that actually mattered.

 

He's not in this for you.

 

He's in this for HIM.

 

Sure, he makes himself feel good by "being there for you"...right up until he headed out on vacation with his wife.

 

See...there is NO FUTURE WITH HIM.

 

He's made his choice...as always...actions define the choices.

 

Knowing how you feel, where you're at right now...he still chose to leave with her. He didn't choose to stay, he didn't choose to tell her the truth, he didn't take measures to be with you, even in the height of your misery.

 

You want advice in reference to him? Realize that focusing on the loss of your dad can help you IGNORE the pain of the loss of him in your life. Focusing on one grief can help you overcome the other.

 

Then once your grief over both is past...you'll find yourself already in the anger phase, realizing that he really wasn't here for you when you needed him.

 

Tell him to remain on vacation with her...you've got to deal with your real life. Not his little fantasy world where he sees himself swooping in to help you...and then bailing when he isn't willing to put you first.

 

I wish you the best...really.

 

Owl said everything I wanted to say.

 

Please don't take this wrong, but I think you are 'using' your dad's death as an excuse to see the MM. Not consciously.....or at least not manipulatively. You feel as if you HAVE to have him to lean on, as if you NEED him. Honey, you don't. You just suffered a loss, and while you know he is better off because he is out of pain and done hurting, it is still the loss of a parent. My sympathies to your family.

 

Please do not fall back into old habits. Please do not use the death of your dad as a "oh well, I'm weak, so what the heck" type of thing to get reinvolved.

 

If the MM truly gave a crap, he would LEAVE YOU ALONE. He knows you are vulnerable and he is using that to HIS advantage. Nothing has changed and you don't deserve such crappy treatment. He snuck some time away to call/text you? Think about that. Think long and hard about that. Are you supposed to be so grateful that he went to the 'store' so he could call you? Are you supposed to jump for joy that he found an extra 30 seconds to send a text? NO. You deserve more and better.

 

Please stay strong in regards to NC with xMM. Please. Going backwards will not help you, it will only hurt you in the long run. Be prepared for him to return and text you/call you to tell you how 'miserable' he was :rolleyes: and how he couldn't stop thinking about you :rolleyes: That's crap. I never understand how people believe others are 'forced' to go on a tropical vacation with someone they don't like. They aren't forced. They CHOOSE to go!!

 

Grieve for your dad. There are a ton of support groups out there and maybe even some in your area. Reach out to others, but not the xMM.

 

((hugs))

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half_ofa_heart

Gosh... Thanks to all of you. You have made me see a lot that I have forgotten or chose to set aside in my moments of grief. I knew all those things about MM BEFORE my dad passed away so I was setting them aside cuz I "needed" him.

 

Fooled, I respect everything you have said but I disagree with using my dad's death to contact him. He contacted me and just talking to him about all that I was going thru was soothing. Most of our discussions were about me and what I was going thru and it wasnt until our last meeting before he was leaving that we talked about his vacation.

 

I know I have no rays of hope to hang on to and I need to go back to NC! It has just been hard to do all at the same time. Mother Theresa once said... "I know God never gives us more than we can handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much." and I feel the same way.

 

I never thought that things were gonna go back to the way they were once he got back. I just needed help and guidance to get me thru it. Through the pain of losing my dad AND doing it without my best friend. I am mourning both of them.

 

All of your posts are things I had forgotten and set aside and you have all reminded me. I will work on keeping focused on those things. Focusing on the REAL reasons why we are not together and why he can't truly be there for me now when I need him the most.

 

Thank you

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half_ofa_heart

I know I just posted but I just wanted to say... all your words REALLY did help. I feel pretty good right now, at this moment in time, I feel good. I love and miss my dad :( but love the memories I have of him.

 

I love my MM but realize that we can't EVER have a true loving relationship therefore I need to let go of that dream. I love him for what we had, for as little as it was, it was pleasant most of the time.

 

Thank you each and every one of you cuz right now, I'm in a good place.

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I am so sorry to hear of your father's death. :-( Your post is so sad & I really feel for you. I understand how you're feeling.

 

Do you have a female friend or family member you can rely on for strength & support? A listening ear or someone to come have lunch with you or just hug you & let you cry?

 

Do any of your close friends or family members know about your affair with MM? Do you think you could tell her, please, let me lean on you for a little bit & contact you whenever I feel like contacting MM, because I know he isn't good for me & it hurts me more to be in contact with him but I get weak & need support & miss him so I contact him. Instead, I'd like to contact you, please be there for me?

 

Those are my suggestions as well as therapy which someone suggested & which I think will help a lot. I've been in therapy . . . sometimes think I still should be . . . & it is a relief to be able to sit there & cry your eyes & pour your heart out to a non-judgmental person whose job it is to support your mental health. Even if the therapist doesn't have any concrete solutions [sometimes it just takes time :-( ) I think you will feel better having gone & talked about it.

 

I hope you heal as fast as possible but I can only imagine that the death of a parent must be a really traumatic experience. Please take as good of care of yourself as you can during this hard time. Please remember you are a beautiful, intelligent, strong woman, worthy of respect & love from yourself & from everyone important to you. Best wishes.

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half_ofa_heart

I made an appointment for a therapist for Thursday... lets hope this one works out.

 

I finally slept a little last night. Thought a lot about my dad, my siblings and of course MM :(

 

I truly am tired of feeling like I do and want more than anything to get out of this rutt I'm in but like everyone here says, you have to WANT to end the relationship and what I WANT is have MORE of a relationship not to end it. I somehow need to get over the hump where I realize there is truly NO HOPE WHATSOEVER OF HAVING AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP WITH MM!!!! I need someone to pick up this anvil that is sitting on my chest and drop it on my head :confused:

 

Hoping the therapist is just that person!

 

Thanks again.

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I feel so sorry for you. I went through something similar eight years ago when I ended my marriage. It was at the same time my father was dying. I was numb through much of it.

 

Although ending a nine-year marriage is not the same as ending an affair, the experience of loss is very similar. I don't think I was able to properly grief for my father because of it. What was bizarre, and I've written about this, was that I felt was losing my husband spiritually and losing my dad physically. What I mean is my dad was a man of tremendous faith. He was dying of cancer and we (my siblings and I) spent a lot of time with him. I was able to share some beautiful moments with him (taking him out for his first and only pedicure to a spa) and rubbing his head while he slept. I felt we had said everything we needed to say.

 

With my ex, it was like I didn't even know him.

 

I kept busy running a new business I had started. I got through it. All I can say is hold on to what you can (family, friends, work) and weather the storm. You will sail through these rough waters and coast to shore.

 

Just hold on.

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half_ofa_heart
I feel so sorry for you. I went through something similar eight years ago when I ended my marriage. It was at the same time my father was dying. I was numb through much of it.

 

Although ending a nine-year marriage is not the same as ending an affair, the experience of loss is very similar. I don't think I was able to properly grief for my father because of it. What was bizarre, and I've written about this, was that I felt was losing my husband spiritually and losing my dad physically. What I mean is my dad was a man of tremendous faith. He was dying of cancer and we (my siblings and I) spent a lot of time with him. I was able to share some beautiful moments with him (taking him out for his first and only pedicure to a spa) and rubbing his head while he slept. I felt we had said everything we needed to say.

 

With my ex, it was like I didn't even know him.

 

I kept busy running a new business I had started. I got through it. All I can say is hold on to what you can (family, friends, work) and weather the storm. You will sail through these rough waters and coast to shore.

 

Just hold on.

 

Thank you so much for your response. I've said this time and time again, the decision and process to end my marriage of 9 years was much easier than the decision and follow thru of leaving my MM. There is no comparison. I "know" what I need to do and have made many attempts but somehow fail.

 

Today I was finding myself depressed again, this time not for my dad but for the loss of my MM who just happens to be vacationing with his W. A dear friend (the only one who knows about us) called me and said "why do you do this to yourself?" I sincerely did not understand what she meant by that. Clearly she must know that had I known I would end up hurt that I would not have entered into this relationship.

 

After speaking to her for a few minutes, I finally understood what she meant. She was not referring to the relationship itself but more about "dwelling" on it, "thinking" about it (him and her on vacation together); those thoughts are just torturing myself.

 

Sure, it's not so easy to just STOP thinking about someone who has lived in your every waking thought for several years; but take active steps in NOT THINKING about him anymore - Period!!! She even suggested the old rubberband on your wrist trick and snapping it everytime I thought about him. I just might try that. No one can get me out of this rutt except me. I need little epiphanies like that to help me get thru this.

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((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) I don't know what to say...I am just so very sorry for your loss.

 

I am really glad that MM was there for you considering things are not well with the family...

 

You know what girl, you can keep things in perspective, you've made up your mind your done, so remain done.

 

Halfofaheart, you are strong and know what you want, so please don't be hard on yourself or MM....hang in there girl...k...BTW, it's ok if MM hugged you...it's a hug, period.

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Try not to beat yourself up. These things take time. I floated through denial for a while. It's ok. Just keep reminding yourself of what you want in life. Make it less about him. Decide what you consider a good life, a healthy relationship. Speak it out loud. Write it down.

 

I remember exMM saying how he can't help the way he feels about me and that he had searched his heart and knew he loved me. I remember thinking, that I had to admit that I liked the way I felt about him. I enjoyed the way I felt when I was with him. But I wanted to feel that way and be that way with someone else, with someone who was available.

 

Keep reminding yourself. That it's not wrong to love somebody. Don't punish yourself for feeling sexy, fun or sensual with someone you care about. You redirect yourself and say, I want to feel like this about somebody else, not THIS guy.

 

It won't be easy. You will have relapses. Expect it. Experience it. Then keep moving on.

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half_ofa_heart
((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) I don't know what to say...I am just so very sorry for your loss.

 

I am really glad that MM was there for you considering things are not well with the family...

 

You know what girl, you can keep things in perspective, you've made up your mind your done, so remain done.

 

Halfofaheart, you are strong and know what you want, so please don't be hard on yourself or MM....hang in there girl...k...BTW, it's ok if MM hugged you...it's a hug, period.

 

You Rock Pure!!!! You guys truly don't know how much you have helped me over the years... So glad I found LS.

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half_ofa_heart
Try not to beat yourself up. These things take time. I floated through denial for a while. It's ok. Just keep reminding yourself of what you want in life. Make it less about him. Decide what you consider a good life, a healthy relationship. Speak it out loud. Write it down.

 

I remember exMM saying how he can't help the way he feels about me and that he had searched his heart and knew he loved me. I remember thinking, that I had to admit that I liked the way I felt about him. I enjoyed the way I felt when I was with him. But I wanted to feel that way and be that way with someone else, with someone who was available.

 

Keep reminding yourself. That it's not wrong to love somebody. Don't punish yourself for feeling sexy, fun or sensual with someone you care about. You redirect yourself and say, I want to feel like this about somebody else, not THIS guy.

 

It won't be easy. You will have relapses. Expect it. Experience it. Then keep moving on.

 

Thank you MzDolphin!!! I'm trying and hoping every day gets a little easier. I made a decision to FORCE myself to go out into the dating world. I've never had any luck with online dating and don't presume this time will be any different but I figured that the more I get myself out there, the less time I'll be spending thinking about MM. I have to do something to shake myself outta this rutt.

 

Truly NOT looking forward to online dating but it's just like going to the gym... Getting there is half the battle.

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Gosh... Thanks to all of you. You have made me see a lot that I have forgotten or chose to set aside in my moments of grief. I knew all those things about MM BEFORE my dad passed away so I was setting them aside cuz I "needed" him.

 

Fooled, I respect everything you have said but I disagree with using my dad's death to contact him. He contacted me and just talking to him about all that I was going thru was soothing. Most of our discussions were about me and what I was going thru and it wasnt until our last meeting before he was leaving that we talked about his vacation.

 

I know I have no rays of hope to hang on to and I need to go back to NC! It has just been hard to do all at the same time. Mother Theresa once said... "I know God never gives us more than we can handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much." and I feel the same way.

 

I never thought that things were gonna go back to the way they were once he got back. I just needed help and guidance to get me thru it. Through the pain of losing my dad AND doing it without my best friend. I am mourning both of them.

 

All of your posts are things I had forgotten and set aside and you have all reminded me. I will work on keeping focused on those things. Focusing on the REAL reasons why we are not together and why he can't truly be there for me now when I need him the most.

 

Thank you

 

I am sorry for your pain. I wasn't accusing you of actively manipulating him; I just wanted you to think about it. I wanted you to take a look and make sure you weren't making excuses for running to him. I wanted you to be aware that just maybe you might unconsciously were doing that. You wouldn't be the first one and you won't be the last one to use anything (and I honestly hate the way this sounds) to talk to him, etc.

 

I am glad you aren't using your dad's passing as an excuse to get in touch with him. I hope he doesn't use your dad's passing as an excuse to seek you out. Be prepared for that. I don't intentionally try to be negative, I just want you to be prepared for things just in case. Ya know?

 

Glad you slept a bit and I hope you get more peace as the days go by.

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half_ofa_heart
I am sorry for your pain. I wasn't accusing you of actively manipulating him; I just wanted you to think about it. I wanted you to take a look and make sure you weren't making excuses for running to him. I wanted you to be aware that just maybe you might unconsciously were doing that. You wouldn't be the first one and you won't be the last one to use anything (and I honestly hate the way this sounds) to talk to him, etc.

 

I am glad you aren't using your dad's passing as an excuse to get in touch with him. I hope he doesn't use your dad's passing as an excuse to seek you out. Be prepared for that. I don't intentionally try to be negative, I just want you to be prepared for things just in case. Ya know?

 

Glad you slept a bit and I hope you get more peace as the days go by.

 

Thanks FO!!! I'm sure you meant well with everything you were saying and I appreciate ALL of it. I'm doing what I can to move on so ALL words are beneficial. Thanks again.

 

HofaH

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