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MW now widow, how to handle ?


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I met a MW a year ago (nothing related to the xMW I was involved with). We have been only friends but at the very beginning she has shown me lots of interest, asking about my life and e-mailing back and forth. She has been slightly flirty, making compliments and asking me for coffee dates etc but I kept it light and friendly. I have met her and her H who has not been very comfortable with our friendship. She is smart, very pretty and sweet. Needless to say, after my heartache with xMW I didn't need another A.

 

Not a long time ago, she called me to say that her H passed away :eek:. She was devastated and I did my best to talk and support her. I thought the pain would drive her away for a while but instead she seems to enjoy my friendship and wanting even more to talk and to see me. I know that this doesn't mean too much as people need a shoulder to cry on in tough times but I really think she likes me.

 

I don't want to look like the guy who takes advantage of the situation but I have always thought we would be a good match. As long as she was married there was no way for me to consider anything else than friendship...but now I start to be interested in her. She is young (31), she has no kids and her M was only 2 years long so I think that one day she will want to move on with her life.

 

Things are now slowly progressing as she wants to spend time with me but I know she is still in pain and it will take a while after she feels better. She seems very strong though, she even laughs and jokes with me.

 

My main concern is how slowly do I have to go and if her family will resent us/me for starting a R ?

 

I am glad we hadn't an A, so we are both 'clean' for anything in the future.

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How long ago did her husband die?

 

It will depend on her .

 

It sounds as though you are interested in each other.

 

I think you should talk to her about it and find out her feelings.

 

You haven't given much detail about the H's death... a lot could depend on that.

 

Tread lightly . People's feelings cans still be raw.

You don't want to upset the rellies before you even meet them.

 

GG

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Wow, I'm sorry to hear about your friends loss. I can't imagine losing someone at such a young age! I think if you just keep it discrete (sp?) for now, as you are getting to know her, you should be fine. Even though she was only married for two years, her family is still mourning too and may not be ready to see her with anyone else yet. So taking it slow and respecting their feelings is probably the best way to go for now.

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How long ago did her husband die?

 

Hi GG,

Only 1 month ago, I know it is still very early.

 

I think I should let her be the one who asks first for dating and progress at her pace.

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Drop her as a friend. That seems to be the advice here about widows.

What do you mean? :confused: I shouldn't be friends with her ?

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Hmm I think it's difficult to tell.

 

In my situation the BH of my H's OW died unexpectedly and it would be fair to say she went all out to get my H and also the other MM she was having an A with, to leave their wives.

 

She succeeded with the other MM and failed with my H. Me and the other BW had our d-days within 2 weeks of each other (about 5 months after the BH's death).

 

On the other hand my brother-in-law died (his funeral was 5 days before my d-day) leaving his wife (my H's sister) distraught. Our family was twice devastated by the revelations of my H's infidelity following on so quickly after my BIL's accidental death. My SIL is still a young widow and has not found anyone else 3 years later, nor is she "looking" for anyone else. She is very attractive and has had numerous offers from men. I know she was upset when a man she was relying on as a friend, tried to take it further.

 

So if your friend is like my H's OW then go for it; but if she is more like my SIL then I suggest you hang back. If you make a move too soon you will possibly destroy your chances in the future.

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Drop her as a friend. That seems to be the advice here about widows.

 

If you were I wonder if you would say that.

 

It's what often happens because others don't know how to handle the situation.

 

I don't think it's the advice here at all.

 

I you were ever to be a widow, you would know that's the time you really need true friends.

 

Gentlegirl

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Hi GG,

Only 1 month ago, I know it is still very early.

 

I think I should let her be the one who asks first for dating and progress at her pace.

 

East,

 

I suggest you just keep in touch . YOu will obviously be concerned about her well being. A phone call every now and then to say hello and how are you will be appreciated.

 

Believe me... after the funeral, the friends evaporate like magic and the widow is often left looking at four walls, wondering where everyone has gone.

 

There is no reason why you shouldn't stay friends with her because her husband died. I can't imagine why that was posted.It was an ignorant thing to write.

 

Cheers,

 

Gentlegirl.

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Be very cautious East as families are very protective towards young widows.

 

The con men sniff insurance money and come crawling out of the woodwork. You wouldn't want her family to lump you in with those characters.

 

And you don't want to be the rebound guy either!

 

Just stay friends and take it really, really slow......

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Run. You went from one cheater to another. This woman would of cheated on her husband with you if you allowed it. Her husband was uncomfy with your friendship and yet she continued. Examine why you keep finding a lure to people such as this.

 

Oh come on...:rolleyes:

 

There has been nothing inappropriate with her so far, just friendship and she is very different from my xMW. She seemed satisfied with her M.

 

While it is true she has shown me interest, there was nothing to compare with an EA.

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So Very Confused
What do you mean? :confused: I shouldn't be friends with her ?

 

I believe that was a reference to a quote from another thread.

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One month is way too soon to start a relationship. She's vunerable, needy and is no where ready to give 100% into someone else when she is still grieving the loss of her husband, the life they shared together.

 

Be a friend, but don't be her shoulder. Don't be the one she relies on for everything, it'll be a very unhealthy relationship/dynamic.

 

You need to control your feelings around her as well because she IS vunerable and isn't thinking clearly.

 

One month is just way too soon.

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Be very cautious East as families are very protective towards young widows.

And you don't want to be the rebound guy either!

Good point Spark.

 

East you admitted yourself her husband did not approve of your friendship. If it was on the up and up you would be friends with the couple. Your friendship would be all the time not just when her husband wasn't around. People share their friendships with their spouses. This does not appear to be the case here. She would of went there if you allowed it and you know it. Why do you want to do this? I am not being contrary. I want you to view it from a diff angle.

 

Her H has been a little puzzled, not really uncomfortable. Maybe because (as far as I know) I am the only guy who she is friends with, aside her co-workers. I have met them together a couple of times so there has been nothing inappropriate.

 

One month is way too soon to start a relationship. She's vunerable, needy and is no where ready to give 100% into someone else when she is still grieving the loss of her husband, the life they shared together.

 

Be a friend, but don't be her shoulder. Don't be the one she relies on for everything, it'll be a very unhealthy relationship/dynamic.

 

You need to control your feelings around her as well because she IS vunerable and isn't thinking clearly.

 

One month is just way too soon.

 

WWIU I appreciate your post. For the moment there is nothing emotional, we are connected more on an intellectual level as friends though I consider her for a R.

 

I have to say that even if nothing happens and we stay friends I am absolutely fine with that.

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Here's how I look at it.

 

You and she have been friends, you've obviously had interest in her but kept your boundaries given her situation, etc... She appears to have interest in you as well and has been coming to you in a time of crisis.

 

The challenges are multi-fold; first she needs to grieve her relationship, that in itself could take a few years, even though she wants companionship she might also want to enjoy her freedom for awhile, when she does decide to explore relationships she might want to check out the scene for awhile. If anything this is a multi-year type process, especially for her age.

 

I know the person who said "Dont be her friend" was like most drive-by posters and didn't have the maturity to explain their point-of-view, but I don't disagree with him entirely. Others may disagree here but I think it comes down to your intentions and how much time you want to spend on this. You are her friend, she is deepening that friendship with you during her grief as you are giving her your shoulder, I think that is commendable as a friend, but you are also reinforcing in her mind that you are a "friend" and she may at some point see you just and only as that, where if you read around you become "Friend Zoned" - There's no romantic interest, it's a form of love, but she'll at some point meet someone that excites her romantically and you'll be only friends and you maybe wanting more. Only you can judge though what is right. I think spacing yourself so she can find more people to share her emotional burdens with, including going to IC would be a step in the right direction, you definitely don't want to be rebound guy.

 

It's a tricky road. A friend of our families is a widow, she has 2 kids, ever since her husband passed away (at 35) her focus has been on the kids, that has been five years, she's gone on dates but nothing serious still.

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Thanks Circular,

 

it is very tricky indeed. I think it is like dating a freshly divorced W will look more for distraction rather jumping into another R.

 

My friend is going to IC and it looks like she is keeping the **** together well so I hope she recovers quickly. Another positive point is that she has no kids so less baggage to deal with.

 

I think I will let her process her grief for at least 2-3 months before dating her and let her show signs of interest.

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WWIU I appreciate your post. For the moment there is nothing emotional, we are connected more on an intellectual level as friends though I consider her for a R.

 

I have to say that even if nothing happens and we stay friends I am absolutely fine with that.

 

Women tend to get attached easily..Especially when vunerable.. So, just keep an eye out for that.. You'll know pretty quickly if she is too attached to you.

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My main concern is how slowly do I have to go and if her family will resent us/me for starting a R ?

 

I am glad we hadn't an A, so we are both 'clean' for anything in the future.

 

 

Not having an affair prior to the tragic event is good. Stay friends. If you get into a relationship this fast, you probably will end up hurting. Not that you two wont eventually end up together, but if you two have been patient for this long, why not wait a little longer?

 

She probably doesnt know what she really needs right now. She may be trying to replace her loss and that is not a good place for you to be.

 

She may want to just "be free" and if your feelings are true, you will get hurt.

 

As to what the reaction of the family would be, im guessing , not so good. When someone dies, people tend to see their lives and marriages in this case, as perfect. In order for them to hold on to the memory of their loved ones, they need to "idolize" them and changes are really hard for them to understand. Of course if you two are a good match, you will get over this.

They may be ok with it and happy for her. It will be tough though for you.

 

In general, i too think its too early. She needs time to understand what just happened.

 

Id advise you to log on some widows forums to get better answers.

 

Take care

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East

 

You and I like stats and research, so I have one for this situation. Its been said that it takes one month per year of a relationship to grieve its ending. She was married for two years, so that's at least two months before you can be sure that its not her grief driving her feelings. It would be a good idea to find out how long she dated him and knew him before the marriage too.

 

Things are too early right now to really think about anything serious, so take your time and encourage her to process her grief.

 

And don't worry about that silly comment alleging that people here advise posters to mistreat widows. That's the result of some people taking things out of context and twisting them for malicious ends.

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One month is way too soon to start a relationship. She's vunerable, needy and is no where ready to give 100% into someone else when she is still grieving the loss of her husband, the life they shared together.

 

Be a friend, but don't be her shoulder. Don't be the one she relies on for everything, it'll be a very unhealthy relationship/dynamic.

 

You need to control your feelings around her as well because she IS vunerable and isn't thinking clearly.

 

One month is just way too soon.

 

Hey East! I agree with WWIU.

 

Each person mourns differently; there is no timeline that must be met prior to dating.

 

My grandpa married his grade school "girlfriend' when my grandmother died - I believe it was a year after her death. She too was a widow and they had 15 lovely years together before she died a year ago.

 

You will 'know' when the time is right.

 

I wish you lots of happiness!!

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East

 

You and I like stats and research, so I have one for this situation. Its been said that it takes one month per year of a relationship to grieve its ending. She was married for two years, so that's at least two months before you can be sure that its not her grief driving her feelings. It would be a good idea to find out how long she dated him and knew him before the marriage too.

 

Things are too early right now to really think about anything serious, so take your time and encourage her to process her grief.

 

And don't worry about that silly comment alleging that people here advise posters to mistreat widows. That's the result of some people taking things out of context and twisting them for malicious ends.

 

 

Really??? I'd like to know where these statistics come from? I think it totally depends on the person and the relationship, level of love. No way would it only take two months after the DEATH of a spouse unless there was no love or friendship at all. East, I would wait at least 2 years and then (if you are still single) look her up and see how she is. Seriously... You said her marriage was good. So the grief will take a while... Unless you want to set yourself up for another heartache, run...

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I hope you won't get too involved with the lady too soon.

 

I remember when my husband died was the time I really bonded emotionally with xMM in a big way.

 

It was a foolish thing to do and I have paid a huge price.

 

Just saying things can seem surreal when grief is involved.

 

Gentlegirl

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My advice to you would be to stay in touch with her but be careful not to enter the "friend" zone,be there for her and support her but don't let it get to the point where she starts seeing you as just a friend.

 

You should also make sure that you are not the rebound guy,the woman has suffered a huge loss at such a young age she must be sad and confused and probably needs time to heal properly before getting into another relationship.

 

As for how long you should wait,I think that you shouldn't start anything until at least six months have passed on her H's death to give her time to think and reflect on things and I don't think it would be appropriate to announce a new relationship to the family before a year or so has passed.So just keep it discrete and try to maintain a slow pace :) good luck!!

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Thanks to all for the inputs.

 

I have been through specialized forums. What I learned is :

 

- At best, the grief lasts 6-12 months, at worst years..

- Widows feel extreme loneliness which makes often guys misread their need for companionship as a need for starting a R.

- Widows while dating feel often very guilty as if they are being unfaithful to their late H.

- Some may "jump" into a new relationship which often is a rebound and followed but lots of roller-coaster;

 

So yeah I will take it very slow and keep my expectations low but I think we could be a great match and she is young and hasn't a lot of baggages (children). Besides she has already shown me interest even when she was married, it is not like we are meeting now. She was the one to approach me and start our friendship. So I think that there is something to start with.

Edited by East7
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You really are a viscous moron, when will the moderators ban you and your nasty , pretend :):):):):) smiley niceness?

 

 

Run. You went from one cheater to another. This woman would of cheated on her husband with you if you allowed it. Her husband was uncomfy with your friendship and yet she continued. Examine why you keep finding a lure to people such as this.
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You are calling me a moron and yet I am the vicious one? That was my opinion. He was enthralled and entwined with a married woman. He finally extricated himself from that fiasco and now he wants a woman who would of played with him while her husband was alive. Now he has been dead less than a month and he is entertaining hooking up with her. Personally, I think run is the best advice anyone could give someone who has been in a married person situation before. Why blow sunshine up his butt, That would just be too silly. We are trying to support not create fake happiness.

 

Do smiley's offend you? Does happiness offend you?

 

I don't quite understand your point of view on this matter, I find it perplexing.

 

No person walks though life not finding people they are interested in, or that they find intriguing. If two people, one that is married meet each other and find some chemistry between them, realize they get along well but respect their boundaries you classify them as a cheater!?!? How do you know she would have played with him? She didn't. To me it looks like she respected the boundaries of her relationship. East is a single guy and believes maybe he experienced something that says there is something there for him to pursue, he has that right.

 

Sometimes I get the feeling that people believe when they get married that a part of their brain gets removed, that neither them nor their spouse will ever feel a connection with another human being but their spouse. That's just not reality. It's the choices you make to enforce the boundaries, etc... I know some people who have arranged marriages, they never felt that chemistry with their spouse, there is quite a high probability they will meet someone and then have to make conscious decisions to avert getting close.

 

Feelings and thoughts do not a cheater make, if they did you'd find this forum pretty packed and loveshack would be bigger than Google.

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