utterly destroyed

[cupshalfempty]

Ok well its taken time for me to absorb my situation and I'm a complete mess.

 

Backtrack. He left his wife on a knee jerk reaction to my going nc. He was here for two whole days and went back, or to his friends for two days (if that's the truth) and then back to her. I was devistated. He kept asking for more time. He wasn't mentally ready to leave. I was melting inside. I felt he made a choice but he kept insiting he was still leaving. Of course I think I broke it off every day as that wall was building in me. Then he came back again. One day, it was nice, it was good. The second day I left him alone to give him space I could see he was agitated. I stayed in the kitchen making dinner and occupied myself on the phone with my sister trying to keep away and not smothr him or persist in asking him if he was ok.

 

He turned to me and said he made a mistake. I bawled, broke down, begged. He said he can't do this. He is so out of his comfort zone, he couldn't sleep the night before, doesn't think this feeling is ever going to go away. He left.

 

So I've been on a rollercoaster of desperation and pure anger. All those months ago when I said just let me go and he wouldn't. But ends it like that? I did the vengeful thing. I have a myriad of reasons for doing it. I was upset, I was left to pick myself up being as shattered as I was while he went home to the comfort of his life. He said it was simply because of the change and he was used to his life....so I did it. I told her. I emailed her a forwarded email and some texts. Nothing too hurtful like the million I love you's but him saying he wanted to be with me and was leaving her. Then I emailed her a description of the relationship. How long, with proof including being in the house they lived in bfore, how we found time for eachother..etc. I felt like he chose, he chose when only one of us knew there was a choice to be had. He claims he was only staying for the comfort of home and even the next day talking to me after he left he couldn't tell me it was for any other reason. I wanted to take that away from him. He was also wasting her life not only mine in this charade. It was ok not to tell her while he was claiminG to leave as neither of us wanted her hurt and the end of the relationship would have been hurt enough.

 

I came completely clean. I revealed who I was even knowing it will deeply affect me as well. We all work in the same place. Its out, I'm an adultress. She only worked there part time and quit. I went in but in all honesty I don't care what others think. I'm so consumed with my own grief I don't know if anything else in the world would affect me.

 

She responded and was utterly gracious. She told me if I wanted to pursue a relationship with him to talk to him.

 

I know he hates me. Part of telling was also to put the nail in the coffin. I knew a few days from him leaving he would be back trying to pursuade me back into the relationship. I couldn't go back to that. But now I regret it and don't. Is it horrible I still love him so much? Why would I still want him!?! Is it because I want to believe that if his real reason for leaving was his comfort zone and now he may be forced out of it if she takes this info and kicks him out he will see he is capable of getting over it? It actually wasn't even my intention to do that when I told, I was hurt and angry and wanted him to feel my pain by creating more for him. But now I just wish I had him back. He hates me intensely now, which shows me I shouldn't want him. So many reasons not to love this man as deeply as I do. But I've sat here for days now barely breathing not functioning and all I can think of is how amazing loving him felt.

 

I'm so lost, so confused, so sad, so mad...I'm so bipolar atm!!

[Spark1111]

Breathe! Stop beating yourself up here!

 

Whether you told her to keep him away for good, you told. THE TRUTH! You should never regret that no matter what the motivation was.

 

Your gut, your blink, KNEW he would come back and you would not be able to resist and that this was no good for you. Very healthy! Do not second guess your psyche committing cold turkey anyway it could.

 

Do not talk yourself out of actions that were designed to protect and preserve you from self-destructing.

 

That is what you are doing now. Stop it.

 

And think on this. Maybe you really did not love the MAN. Maybe you fell in love with the way this man made you FEEL.

 

Identify those feelings, and fill them for yourself.

 

So now you wrestle with HIS hating your for spilling the beans. Why? You had every right to disdain his slip-shoddy treatment of you.

 

Enough is enough.

 

You are courageous and should be very proud of yourself.

[Lostinlife4now]

Wow cupshalfempty!

 

Good for you! I am glad that you told his wife. Let her make the decision to either keep him or kick him to the curb. Now YOU can feel clean and good. You TOLD THE TRUTH. Let his wife have him.! You don't need or want a man like this. Believe me you will move on from this. Give yourself some time to grieve. And don't beat yourself up. We are all HUMAN and make human mistakes.

 

A little story if I may? I was with xMM for 7 years....yeah I know....and I am thrilled to tell you that I FEEL ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for him anymore. I have had NC for about 6 weeks now, and I FEEL WONDERFUL...and so will you. TRUST ME, I KNOW....MOVE ON FROM THIS......you deserve more than what he can give. and do you really need all the drama that this brings? I don't think so.

[wannabdone]

Cup....

 

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I went through a very similiar situation with my xMM leaving for a couple of days and then going back. It wasn't the "comfort excuse" it was the excuse of the W was going to tell the children, and he didn't want to hurt him. But I know how it feels to think you finally got what you wanted to have them only turn around and go back. I know how awful that feels, being so hopeful, almost on top of the world when it happens, then BOOM....total devastation.

 

I agree with everyone, don't beat yourself up. You told the truth, she didn't know. And what ever your reasoning was for doing it, you told her the truth. Something HE would have never done. You can't keep thinking about this, because what done is done, here. You are probably feeling over whelmed with it because you feel like you kind of bit off more than you can chew. Now he's pissed and never going to return. Trust me, he will. He will tell his W you lied and you chased him and you convinced him to leave. That he really never wanted anything with you, but you had confused him. And yes, he left, but he came to her. So that is where he wants to be. Once the dust is settled, he will come back, telling you how she manipulated him, and making you feel bad for what you did. All the while trying to make you feel so low, so he can have you were he wants you. This will continue to be a game that will never stop.

 

I know you don't want to hear this, but he went back. He's there and that was his choice. He showed you his intentions, screw his words. His actions are that he is home. You must start working on you healing now. Have you went to counseling? It really helped me be able to get stronger and clarity. I started going after my episode of him leaving and then going back. I did allow him back, but continuing with my therapy have now been NC with him over 3 weeks. It does get easier, but there are still hard times.

 

Why do you love him??? Girl, I wish I had that answer. I ask myself the same thing. But, you do and you have to accept it and just start seeing him for what he really is. Which by every sense of your post is a COWARD. A grown man discussing his "comfort zone", come on. You deserve better. The first step is knowing you do.

 

Right now, you just have to take it day by day. Minute by minute really. I know that feeling of not being able to breath. Its awful. You will get through this. THIS TOO SHALL PASS. You will survive, and you will be okay....even better than before.

 

So, what are your next steps? Do you have any plans of how you can help yourself heal?

[cupshalfempty]

Thank you everyone. I am a total mess.

 

Yes it was like he gave me what I thought we both wanted, then grabbed out of my arms tore it up and spat in my face. I feel so worthless. Like I wasn't good enough. The life he claimed he didn't want with the wife he claimed "there's nothing there between us". If only he gave us the chance.

 

I hate him and love him. The first day or two I was consumed with rage. I thought I could hold onto that anger. Harness it, ride it. Now I'm just absorbed in sadness. Longing, missing him, regret over his hating me. Yet I don't regret telling her. If she wants to work on their marriage so be it. She now knows about a year and a half affair, where he was proclaiming his love to me and his plans to leave her. The balls in her court. I know if I had left it for 100% certainty he would have come back to me within days. Even the day after he was calling and texting me. God even after my first email to her that let the cat out of the bag he called me again and texted me. Still telling me he made the wrong choice but couldn't leave his life. Even still said he loved me and even further told me he knew I still cared because if I didn't I wouldn't be trying to hurt him and everyone around him. I know he was trying to deflect me from going further with the truth. It didn't work. I know he was possibly still able to deny or minimalize the affair from the first email. So I sent the second, detailed how long it went on, how we saw eachother..etc. Facts he can't lie his way out of. He hasn't spoken to me since. Deleted me from his yahoo..etc. He hates me completely. That's so hard to bear, I know its because of what I did but its still killing me. I know I have to swallow it, but its like trying to swallow an apartment building.

 

I can't turn my mind off. I can't stop shaking. I know what I did was right. It doesn't even matter to me right now.

[TurningTables]

Buhahahaha..."loathe"...I love that word...that's better than hate...:laugh:

 

Can I third that? lol Especially when you say it in a deep throaty voice..

I lllloooaaathhhheeee you.

 

Anyways..Cups..I am sorry to hear of your situation. Dont beat yourself up for making the decisions that you have. You were in self-preservation mode. It natural to automatically protect yourself. In the end, I think you will thank yourself for telling the W. However, I have to ask: What concerns me is that the W told you to talk to him if you wanted a R with her husband? Is she not trying to hang onto him? I dont get it?

[wannabdone]

Thank you everyone. I am a total mess.

 

Yes it was like he gave me what I thought we both wanted, then grabbed out of my arms tore it up and spat in my face. I feel so worthless. Like I wasn't good enough. The life he claimed he didn't want with the wife he claimed "there's nothing there between us". If only he gave us the chance.

 

I hate him and love him. The first day or two I was consumed with rage. I thought I could hold onto that anger. Harness it, ride it. Now I'm just absorbed in sadness. Longing, missing him, regret over his hating me. Yet I don't regret telling her. If she wants to work on their marriage so be it. She now knows about a year and a half affair, where he was proclaiming his love to me and his plans to leave her. The balls in her court. I know if I had left it for 100% certainty he would have come back to me within days. Even the day after he was calling and texting me. God even after my first email to her that let the cat out of the bag he called me again and texted me. Still telling me he made the wrong choice but couldn't leave his life. Even still said he loved me and even further told me he knew I still cared because if I didn't I wouldn't be trying to hurt him and everyone around him. I know he was trying to deflect me from going further with the truth. It didn't work. I know he was possibly still able to deny or minimalize the affair from the first email. So I sent the second, detailed how long it went on, how we saw eachother..etc. Facts he can't lie his way out of. He hasn't spoken to me since. Deleted me from his yahoo..etc. He hates me completely. That's so hard to bear, I know its because of what I did but its still killing me. I know I have to swallow it, but its like trying to swallow an apartment building.

 

I can't turn my mind off. I can't stop shaking. I know what I did was right. It doesn't even matter to me right now.

 

 

Been there, been there, been there. You hope so badly that you can hold on to that anger and get through the time that you need to get strong. Unfortunately that does not seem to happen. Any R is tough when its over, you have to mourn it. But I think we look at it as we loved them so much we were willing to for go our moral code in order to be with them..... that we were giving love a chance. That is must have been meant to be b/cuz why would God had brought us together. Then when it comes down to not being what we want, we grieve. The saddness of a R lost, the saddness of so much time and energy that went for not, the saddness that we went agaisnt everything we believed in just to give love a chance. Feeling used, abused, alone, worthless, etc etc etc. That list can go on for miles.

 

I KNOW you feel worthless, but YOU ARE NOT!!! You are worth having someone who is avaiable for you. You are worth having someone not lie to you and hurt you. You can not allow yourself to be made feel worthless by a coward. I know....easier said than done. But, you are going to be okay. This was not for nothing. You will be stronger, you will now know what you have to offer someone, you now know what you want and you don't want. And when you start to heal, you will be able to use your experience to possibly help others. That is the way I'm trying to look at it. I think if I can help one person that is thinking about going into an A, not go into one. Then this wasn't for not. If I can live my life now knowing how much love I can give a man, it wasn't for not. If I can be in a relatiosnhip where I know what I want out of a man, and I get it, it wasn't for not.

 

I promise, you will get through this. I will help you in what ever way I can. My heart goes out to you, because I can understand each and everything you are saying. People can say all they want "well you knew he was M", "you knew he probably wouldn't leave"....and they are right. We knew all of this, but just like anything else in life, we took a chance. And it didn't work. But, we look at it like well when people want to start their own business, they have to take a chance. No risk, no reward....right???? Although we knew the risks, we had hoped for the reward. And its a horrible slap in the face, the day we realize that all this love the professed to have for us, and this life on the other end that was dead, is the life they wanted, and that undying love the professed, they might have felt, but not enough to be with us. And what that boils down to....HE JUST DIDN'T LOVE YOU ENOUGH. And that stings like hell.

 

So, what are we doing today? I know, I am the type of person that has to grieve and grieve hard to "get it out of my system", but at some point you have to dust your self off and try. What can you do to help take your mind as much as possible off of him? I know right now no matter what you do, you can't totally. But I promise you it does get less. You will have your days, I still do. Where it comes back, all the hurt and anguish. But they become not everyday. Keep posting. If you have a hard day, talk about it. If you have a good day, talk about it. Then you will be able to go back and look at your posts and see the growth and strides you are making.

 

So, again....what are your plans for today???? Don't worry about tomorrow until tomorrow. Can you get up and do anything?

[So Very Confused]

Believe me, I know how you feel. I wish I could offer you some good advice but I'm a mess myself and miserable. The only thing I can say is that you did the right thing. You're better off without him. I hope he ends up alone without you, without his W and without his "comfort". What a selfish ahole. It's what he deserves.

 

So, know you're not alone and there's a few of us on the same journey. If misery loves company, we've got that covered around here.

[Silly_Girl]

Sh*t. Oh Cups. I'm so sorry to hear this. You gave this man a great shot at happiness in a bona fide, exclusive relationship and the pillock bottled it.

 

You did your damned best. If he wants to sit and be miserable in his self-imposed prison cell - cell with an open door too - then more fool him.

 

Every day will probably be excruciating and I imagine the void is simply overwhelming. Be a wonderful friend to yourself, treat yourself, be gentle with yourself and focus on yourself and your wellbeing for the first couple of weeks. Hunker down and plod on, and keep posting. Hugs to you.

[wannabdone]

Believe me, I know how you feel. I wish I could offer you some good advice but I'm a mess myself and miserable. The only thing I can say is that you did the right thing. You're better off without him. I hope he ends up alone without you, without his W and without his "comfort". What a selfish ahole. It's what he deserves.

 

So, know you're not alone and there's a few of us on the same journey. If misery loves company, we've got that covered around here.

 

 

SVC.... I can not tell you the multiple times I have thought this very thing. How my xMM deserves to have no one. Not me, not here, just him and his miserable self. I so wish that this would be the outcome for him. Such a pleasant thought.

[wannabdone]

"Even still said he loved me and even further told me he knew I still cared because if I didn't I wouldn't be trying to hurt him and everyone around him."

 

:mad::mad::mad:WTF?!?!?!?!...Are you F'ing kidding me?...Run Cups, run...He did you a favor...What a Narcissistic B*stard?...all about him right?...NOPE...He's WRONG again...Now Cups, it's all about YOU YOU and more YOU...do something special for YOU today. You were GOOD ENOUGH. GOOD ENOUGH for him to realize that HE wasn't good enough for YOU...

 

What was that word again? Oh yeah...LOATHE...

 

LinD

 

 

So TRUE!!!! He is turning your actions into showing how you care. OF COURSE YOU CARE...YOU ARE HUMAN. But, this looking at it as an ego boost, kind of shows me the same as LID said. Narcassistic!!! Hes getting his ego stroked from all of this. What a sick and twisted game.

[wannabdone]

Cup... do you like to read? If so, I have a list of books you should look at.

[wannabdone]

^^^^^That^^^^^

 

The best day of my life will be when BS kicks his "comfortable" a$$ out the door and he comes back to me.

 

"Aaaaaaaw poor baby. That's terrible. Come on over here and I'll....LET YOU KISS ME A$$ !!!".

 

I can't wait. He'll have nothing but his own worthless image in the mirror. If he's not living in a box, he may have a wall to hang the mirror on. All alone. What a dam shame?

 

Cups...Think about that. He will come back. Think about how good you will feel then to have ALL the power back. And SMILE...

 

Keep posting here...We'll have a MM bashing party...

 

LinD

 

 

LMAO!!!!!

 

What a wonderful day that will be. Unfortunately, I will never have that day. That dumb ass will keep him forever. So,I just have to look at it that they will just get to live in hell forever. But, oh what I wouldn't give if it wasn't that way.

 

I love the idea of the MM bashing party!!!!! :bunny::lmao::bunny:

[Lostinlife4now]

Can I third that? lol Especially when you say it in a deep throaty voice..

I lllloooaaathhhheeee you.

 

 

 

Oh I also second this one..... Loathe....love the deep throaty voice, puffing on a cigarette, (and a cigarette holder) nice red lipstick, something like Bette Davis....

 

Love Love......:cool::cool::cool:

[cupshalfempty]

Thanks again guys

 

Ummm...when does this party start? Who's ordering the man shaped piniata? Do we get to play with bats? Does s**t fall out when you hit it?

 

How do we play this game?

[wannabdone]

Oh YES...nothing but SH*T falls out...u know...the usual...

 

And u know what?...regardless of what they (MM) think, it smells like SH*T too...but this time, I'll bring the roses (and wine) to cover the smell...

 

LinD

 

 

still LMAO..... love it. And yes its always bull s**t that falls out of it.

[Tenacity]

I'm so sorry, cup. I can so relate to what you are going through. Your words were extremely painful to read as I could be writing them.

 

I need to join the MM-bashing party. Can we have an anatomically-correct man pinata and a heavy stick? I get first swing. Trust me, even with a blindfold I will hit a certain area dead-on.

[fooled once]

Cup,

 

Guess what? You are now on your way to moving on. You are scared of the future. You have been so wrapped up in HIM you have forgotten you.

 

Go look in a mirror. Go see the woman you see there. Do you think she deserves to be so disrespected? Do you think she deserves sloppy seconds? You do know that prior to the detailed email he was probably telling his wife all kinds of bull about you - how you are a lonely woman, needy and he tried to be nice to you and you kept after him.

 

You are free now. Free to lead YOUR LIFE. Free to do what YOU want. Free to not sit around and wait for a call/text from him. Free to not be tied to a phone in case he calls. Free to be happy, be loved and be respected.

 

Yes, right now you are very sad. The 'man' you thought he was is really just a figment of your imagination. Would you really accept him back; knowing full well you weren't his first choice? Would you allow yourself to be his soft place to land? Where is he when you are falling apart? Oh, I know - at home with his wife. Gag, makes me want to vomit.

 

Cry, grieve and get it out. Write him a letter (but do not send it). Start journaling. Start exercising (to get your anger out). Focus on the future; not on the past words. Focus FORWARD!

 

Post here - talk to the others who are going through what you are going through. You are going to come out stronger than before!!

[cupshalfempty]

I've written him a few emails. He had an account he used just for me. I had the pw too it. He changed it and deleted me from the contacts, probably blocked me. So I've been letting out my thouights in emails, and sending them knowing they won't be read. Only a few so far but I'm thinking ill do it whenever it strikes me to write to him. I can let out my thoughts, whether they be begging for him, or hating him. I know he isn't going to that email anymore. The last email I wrote was theraputic (just a little while ago) telling him I wish he had been man enough. Its like get it out...send. I know they won't be read but it actually feels good.

 

I'm dreading going into work tomorrow. Ill be thinking everyone knows, and even if EVERYONE doesn't, I know a few do for certain. My manager approached me yesterday and said "just keep smiling". I'm damn well going to try. Paint that damn smile on my face with permanent marker.

[wannabdone]

Today is angry day...can u tell?...

 

 

Not a bad thing LID. I LIKE ANGRY DAY....I'M IRISH. WE THRIVE OFF THAT S**T!!!

[whichwayisup]

Not a bad thing LID. I LIKE ANGRY DAY....I'M IRISH. WE THRIVE OFF THAT S**T!!!

 

This totally reminds me of Tommy Gavin (Rescue Me).. If you don't watch the show (it's in a last season) rent the series, it's awesome.

[wannabdone]

I've written him a few emails. He had an account he used just for me. I had the pw too it. He changed it and deleted me from the contacts, probably blocked me. So I've been letting out my thouights in emails, and sending them knowing they won't be read. Only a few so far but I'm thinking ill do it whenever it strikes me to write to him. I can let out my thoughts, whether they be begging for him, or hating him. I know he isn't going to that email anymore. The last email I wrote was theraputic (just a little while ago) telling him I wish he had been man enough. Its like get it out...send. I know they won't be read but it actually feels good.

 

I'm dreading going into work tomorrow. Ill be thinking everyone knows, and even if EVERYONE doesn't, I know a few do for certain. My manager approached me yesterday and said "just keep smiling". I'm damn well going to try. Paint that damn smile on my face with permanent marker.

 

 

YOU WILL BE FINE TOMORROW!!!! Don't feel bad at starting your first day back to your new life and making him realize what he has lost. Get dolled up and walk like you own the world. Don't even look his way, if you do....flip him off!!!

 

Your cup is not half empty....it runs over. You have more to give and have more love and kindness than that POS has in his pinky.

 

YOU ARE BETTER THAN HIM. YOU ARE TOO GOOD FOR HIM. HE DOESN'T DESERVE YOU!!!!!!:bunny:

[wannabdone]

This totally reminds me of Tommy Gavin (Rescue Me).. If you don't watch the show (it's in a last season) rent the series, it's awesome.

 

 

I don't watch it, but my son loves that show and just asked me the other day if I wanted to watch the season finale. I will now have to rent it and watch it!

[cupshalfempty]

So today I went into work thinking he wouldn't be there. It was hard walking in knowing people knew.

 

I made contact. I called him. I guess I was looking for him to reveal his wrath to me. Instead he said he's not angry with me @ all. He's hurt me so bad he understands why I retaliated..I know where he is if I want to reach him.

 

Ok so I had a huge sigh. I felt so muich better. @ least he didn't utterly hate me. I didn't want to call him again but I'm a masochist and I left him a note saying thank you for being so understanding, ill always love you.

 

I went to go for my lunch and god he passed by me in the hall, and pinches my ass!!! Wtf is that? Are you fing serious!

 

I sat outside for my lunch hour and went back in and he left me a note that he went by me and whistled. ....ok. I replied back (yes I'm back in highschool) I didn't hear it sorry. Blah blah blah.

 

He called me about 4 times today. "Nice ass...etc. Do you want me to stop calling you? Etc" I asked him what he wanted and he stumbled and sarcastically says "are you recording this?" I answered "of course I am" he said he didn't want me sending any more pictures (oh I forgot that part before I think, I texted him pictures before I revealed the whole truth..kind of like a vengeful see what I could send but I'm not..she had his phone..) I told him I did what I did and I was finished. He went on to say it wasn't fair he had asked for pics before and I didn't send them too him. Wtf does that mean???

 

Anyhow right now I'm confused and angry.

 

On a side note my boss pulled me aside and said she doesn't think I did anything wrong and he's completely @ fault. If I had any worries over my job to not worry. This could never affect my job. And that not many people know, much less than I probably assume and I'd be surprised to know noone holds me in a bad view over this. I told her I'm a big girl, I outted myself and can handle the heat if people think badly. He was there for me, he gave me what I needed and I don't regret it. She commended me for it.

[fooled once]

Why did you feel the need to call him and send a note?

 

Are you done with him or not? If you are done, stop contacting him and stop waiting for him to contact you. Tell him to leave you alone. As for pinching your rear, how utterly disrespectful and shows that he views you as a play toy. What a jerk. And then to tell you what a nice bum you have?

 

As for this not affecting your job; remember, unless your boss is the owner, it can affect your job. If you are so distracted by him and the games that the two of you are playing, and screw up repeatedly, then you will lose your job. Also remember people gossip at work; all it takes is ONE person telling another person, even with the "don't tell anyone" line, it will get around. People may start talking about you and it could be very uncomfortable.

 

You need to decide if you want this to continue or not (the affair). If not, tell him right now enough. If you do want to continue, the rollercoaster will continue to go.

 

Good luck!